essays on breakups

We have Instagram, they had frescoes. Photo illustration Princeton University Press. Image: Portrait of Terentius Neo and his wife, from Pompeii. c. 50AD. Fresco. Wikimedia Commons.

Ovid’s 38 recommendations for getting over a breakup

By Michael Fontaine July 10, 2024

Trigger warning: suicide

Ever gone through a breakup? You’re not alone. The statistics are  messy but in the U.S., it seems 40-50% of first marriages  end in divorce . That rate is going down, but only because the marriage rate is going down even faster. Alas, it goes way up for subsequent marriages. For second marriages, the divorce rate is allegedly 67% and for third marriages, a whopping 75%. And for dating relationships, of course—where breakups are the rule rather than the exception—it approaches 100%. We’ve all been there.

Breakups are common, then, but that doesn’t make them any less painful—especially when they’re not our choice. Breaking up means all kinds of relationships come to an end or change. Babies will not be born and futures we had dreamed of will never happen. Practical problems ensue, too, since we sometimes need all new friends or a new place to live.

Breakups can play games with our mind, too, and make us weird. Studies suggest virtually everyone stalks their ex on social media. 

Feelings of grief are common. They can be as profound and overwhelming as when a loved one dies, but unlike after a funeral, we’re expected to carry on at work as if nothing happened. 

Feelings of despair are common, too, and can be dangerous. As Paul Skallas has pointed out , post-breakup suicide is a real risk. He cites the case of Anthony Bourdain, the wildly popular celebrity chef who took his life a day after photos surfaced of his girlfriend with another man. 

In the year 1 CE, the Roman poet  Ovid published a poem titled Remedies for Love , and it suggests that relationships haven’t changed much in two thousand years.  Of all the books in the Ancient Wisdom for Modern Readers series, Ovid’s text comes closest to living up to the contemporary title I’ve given it, How to Get Over a Breakup . His poem is the only explicit self-help manual to reach us from antiquity. In it, Ovid offers 38 practical strategies for coping with unrequited love or a painful breakup, and—what’s most unusual— he writes for women and men alike . Just reverse gender as needed, he advises us. And one of the very first points Ovid makes is the risk of suicide:

Why have some men in love turned a lasso into a necktie? And, sad sacks that they are, hung themselves from a high beam? Why have some men in love stabbed themselves in the chest with a knife thrust?

The answer, Ovid tells Love (Cupid) to his face, is Love itself: “Well, Mr. ‘I-Promote-Peace,’ You’re getting blamed for their deaths!”

Ovid distributes his 38 recommendations throughout his poem. For How to Get Over a Breakup , I’ve gathered and numbered them as an appendix. I’ve also added a few words to bridge the gap between Ovid’s time and our own and to give the recommendations an immediacy that may help you. Because technology sure has moved on from ancient Rome, but the human heart and human relations remain as tricky as ever.

It’s noteworthy that Ovid does not recommend pills or drugs to “treat” getting dumped. On the contrary, if you’ve ever tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), some of his coping strategies will look startlingly familiar. If so, that’s probably because Ovid took them from Stoicism, the pagan philosophy widely cultivated in ancient Rome that was eventually  revived and reborn as CBT in the last century. 

And with that, here they are: Ovid’s 38 recommendations for coping with unrequited love and moving on. Remember, they’re good for men and women alike—just make the necessary changes.

• Never have “nothing to do.”   In other words, keep yourself occupied at all times.
• Go out and fight on campaign—wearing a toga, downtown.   In plain English, become a lawyer.
• Heed the call of duty.   That is, join the army.
• Farm life can easily fix any fixation you have.   Get out of the city and back to nature, because “farmacology” beats pharmacology.
• Venus has often turned tail and shamefully fled after Diana prevails!   In other words, cultivate an outdoor hobby: take up hunting or fishing or bird catching.
• Get out and go far away. Take a long trip out of town. Out of sight, out of mind…
• Place not your faith in spells, abracadabras, and charms.   Spells, magic, tarot, crystals—avoid it all. It’s bunkum.
• Fixate on all that you lost, fixate on all that she cost. Count up all the money   and emotion you invested in the relationship, and you’ll feel resentment grow. Imprudent, but effective.
• Minimize and belittle your ex’s best features.  Tell yourself your ex is nowhere near as attractive or talented as you thought, especially if it’s not true. 
• Go in the morning and drop in on her, all unannounced . Catching your ladylove without makeup gives you an unfiltered view of reality.
• Go hump a random girl first.   A prophylactic release will reduce desire for your real love. Crass, evil, but presumably effective in the short term.
• Adopt an outrageous sex position—an abnormal, unflattering one. A second reality check, also evil.
• Juggle a couple of partners; go get a new flame .   You could almost say “go get on Tinder,” because a second girlfriend or boyfriend will divert your attention and your affection simultaneously.
• Come across colder than ice.   By acting indifferent, you’ll become indifferent (“Fake it till you make it.”).
• Go have a drink—in midstream. Specifically, keep having sex until you’re sick of it.
• Get over your fear. Suppress jealousy.
• Everyone ought to focus on problems they have.   Anxiety kills all the joy in life. 
• Avoid solitude. Strength in numbers!
• Unfriend all romantics. Because being around happy people in love is bad for us.
• Live, if you can, in a new—separate and opposite—world.   It’s best in a breakup to avoid all the places your ex is likely to be.
• Part ways with her mother, her sister, her chaperone/confidante , and with any and all others who are part of her life. A breakup means breaking up with your ex’s family, too. One of Ovid’s saddest recommendations.
• Don’t air your grievances. Feelings will just come flooding back. 
• Absent a lawsuit, Love wanders off somewhere else, free from His need to appear.   Litigation risks reconciliation.
• Stick to your guns. Get tough and don’t cave.
• Don’t bother combing your hair just because you are going to see her.   More generally, don’t dress to please your ex.
• Refuse to believe her sweet nothings. Be deaf to entreaty.
• Be on guard against letting the tears of an ex unnerve you. ­  I’m crying, you’re not crying.
• Silence is strength.   Forgo recrimination.
• Compare your girlfriend with ravishing women. Evil, but probably effective (at least until guilt sets in).
• Don’t reread old texts that you got, and you saved, from your girlfriend . We have phones, the Romans had wax tablets, but the principle is the same.
• Get rid of her pictures.  We have Instagram, they had frescoes. 
• Avoid places that witnessed  encounters the two of you had.  Shun the haunts of your happier times.
• Poverty lacks the resources to feed and sustain a relationship.   You shouldn’t choose poverty, but if you are poor, it helps.
• Abstain from theatrical stage shows . No tearjerker movies for you.
• Hands off the erotica poets.   Erotic fiction makes it hard to concentrate.
• Imagine she’s sleeping alone; acknowledge your rival’s presence . Stop brooding on your ex’s new flame. And when you can finally greet the new partner with a kiss on the cheek, it’s a dispositive sign that you’re cured.
• Don’t eat onions or arugula; do eat rue. They’re aphrodisiacs or anaphrodisiacs, respectively (says Ovid). 
• Don’t get drunk at all, or get yourself so drunk that you forget all your woes . Tipsiness brings back all kinds of emotions. (In the 16 th century, the poet Vincent Obsopoeus made this recommendation the basis for his sequel to Ovid’s poem,  How to Drink .)

Michael Fontaine is professor of classics at Cornell University. His books include three other volumes in the Ancient Wisdom for Modern Readers series, How to Grieve , How to Tell a Joke , and How to Drink (all Princeton).

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, please reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. To reach the lifeline, call or text the numbers 988, or use the  online chat.

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The 7 things I did to get over a big breakup — and why research says they work

by Katie Bogen

Editor’s note, October 6, 2022: This story was originally published in 2018. For more expert advice on how to get over a breakup, read the latest story from Even Better .

Tom and I broke up a few weeks before he was due to start medical school.

Our relationship had been a whirlwind. We had known each other since childhood but had been dating for just 10 days before he moved down from Connecticut to Pennsylvania and into my small one-bedroom apartment. A few months later, we were planning our wedding, deliberating what guest favors we would choose (DIY terrariums were under consideration), and stopping in at jewelers to try on engagement rings. I was elated, effervescent, convinced he was “the one.”

• Why it’s so hard to get over your ex, according to a relationship psychologist

Then all of a sudden, we were on the rocks. Arguments interrupted even the briefest phone conversations. Weekend trips ended in tears and yelling.

One afternoon at the end of my workday, eight months after our relationship began, I found myself sitting in my parked car, dialing his number in a moment of panic and confusion. “I’m not getting what I need,” I told him.

In the nights that followed, I had the dramatic push-pull experience that everyone experiences immediately following a breakup: on top of the world and triumphant in my decision one moment, certain that my ex would come crawling back, confident that I had made the right call, and then suddenly heartbroken, afraid, and completely numb, somehow all simultaneously. I cried into his voicemail. I sat by my window and listened to “A Case of You” on repeat. I wallowed.

When I spoke to Brian Boutwell, an evolutionary psychologist at St. Louis University, he gave me some insight into the science behind my sadness. He said that being in love involves the same neural circuitry as a cocaine addiction.

“Falling in love presents very much like an addictive process,” he told me. “You have this drive to get that fix in the form of being around the person that you care about.”

So my breakup was a cocaine withdrawal? Boutwell says yes.

“We have this pervasive idea that, ‘oh, it’s just a breakup, it’s not that big of a deal,’” he said. “Whereas emotionally it can be quite a big deal, and [breakups] can be a risk factor for depression, which is no clinical condition to take lightly. There is a real analogy of the, quote, broken heart. There’s some physiological rationales behind that thinking. [Breakups] can jeopardize one’s health.”

This description rings true to me: After the breakup, I felt physically ill, exhausted, and devastated. One of these particularly low moments, I scared myself into anger — at my ex, at myself, at this entire stupid situation. How dare he not fight harder for this relationship? How dare something end that was so promising and beautiful? But most importantly, how dare I — an outspoken feminist, constantly touting women’s independence, glory, power, resilience — betray women by behaving like my life was over because of something as trivial as a breakup? What had really happened here? I had lost a man, a friend, a partner, but I hadn’t lost myself.

So I embarked on a quest to reclaim myself, to turn this breakup into an opportunity for renewal and self-discovery, rather than an excuse to feel sorry for myself. I tried all sorts of things, from reconnecting with old friends to blocking my ex on every single social media channel imaginable.

Here’s a list of everything I tried, along with an honest assessment of how each one worked for me. I also wanted to know how my experiences lined up with the scientific consensus on what helps people get over breakups, so I asked relationship researchers to weigh in on my list.

1) I said yes to every social invitation

Effectiveness: 9/10

For the first few weeks following the breakup, I vowed to accept every social invitation that came my way. This was the best decision I could have possibly made. I bought myself new bathing suits and went to the beach. I took selfies in the sun. I went to cast parties and had a snuggle pile on a damp lawn with other tipsy theater kids. I kissed my co-stars and crooned along to Sara Bareilles and played Never Have I Ever around a fire pit. I went clubbing for the first time since I started seeing my ex. I found my freedom.

The clubbing was especially liberating. After the breakup, I reveled and rebelled. I went out to gay bars and embraced my bisexuality, distancing myself from my previous relationship and reasserting my queer identity. I danced on the tops of bars and on club stages. I wore my shortest skirts, highest heels, and reddest lipstick. I dove into my Snapchat story with gusto. I got number after number, smiled as widely as I could, and left the clubs exhausted, sore, satisfied, and solo. I slept starfish on my bed and gave myself permission to take up all the space.

The experience of accepting these invitations not only allowed me to create new friendships but also reminded me that I could be single without being “alone.” I am the kind of person who gets lost in their partner — I plan my weekends and evenings around them, I try to reserve my free time to spend by their side, and, in doing so, I neglect my own friendships and relationships. I forget how to effectively self-care. I allow myself to become isolated and dependent.

After my breakup, I extended friendship feelers in all directions. I let myself be swept along to late-night karaoke and cozy taverns, polo matches, and long walks through Newport. I basked in new people, and found myself feeling more and more at home in my own skin.

Downsides: During the beginning of the breakup, accepting these invitations probably won’t feel genuine. You may feel guilty for going out, or you may go out only to obsessively check your phone for the night, convinced your ex will text you. You might feel dirty for dancing with new people. You might feel ashamed for having fun, while the sad parts of you try to suck you back into the dark hole of Netflix and order-in pizza. Go out anyway. That old adage — fake it ’til you make it — rings true.

Expert opinion: Grace Larson, a researcher at Northwestern University, told me that this desire to accept invitations was likely driven by my need to regain self-concept after the breakup. Going dancing was a reclamation of my independence.

According to Larson, “One of the things we found in our study was that when people were able to really agree with statements like, ‘I have reclaimed lost parts of myself that I could not express while with my partner’ … that predicts people being less depressed. That predicts people being less lonely. That predicts people not ruminating on the breakup anymore.”

2) I nourished by body with healthy food and exercise

Effectiveness: 7/10

The farmers market became a weekend staple. I went shopping with my aunt and bought myself lush greens, miniature summer squash, ripe orchard apples, frozen lemonade. I gave my body what it wanted. I planned recipes. I made mug after mug of green tea and French-press coffee. I absolutely spoiled myself. If I saw a bar of chocolate I wanted at the grocery store? It was mine. Those vegan marshmallows? Why not? The world was my oyster.

Going to the farmers market and creating a treat-myself food mentality was delightful. Coming home and realizing I would have to eat these bounties by myself? Not so much.

Fortunately, my attempts to be good to my body didn’t stop at food. I bought a beginner yoga pass at a local studio, and the entire experience was incredible. I breathed slowly, stretched, shook, and repeated the mantra: I am the only person on my mat. The practice of yoga became a way to ground myself in my own body and my own presence. It was about taking care of myself and healing after an emotional trauma. It allowed me to recognize the way I was hurting without indulging in it. It was glorious. I left the studio feeling powerful, calm, and whole. Even if the feeling only lasted for five minutes, those five minutes were beautiful.

In addition to the yoga practice, I joined a gym close to my home and started attending group workout classes. My ex was a personal trainer and a football player: strong, hard-bodied, and confident in the presence of other athletes. I was a curved, uncoordinated gym-phobe who preferred to work out in the safety and privacy of my living room. I had balked at each one of my ex’s gym invitations.

Now I went to spin classes, barre classes, and a gym boot camp. I met with a personal trainer and planned out a way to reach my fitness goals. I supplemented my gym classes with long walks and choreography rehearsals for the show. I started to see progress. On the days when my motivation to exercise just wasn’t there, I forgave myself. Breakups suck. Sometimes they require lazy nights in front of Netflix and some order-in Chinese food (extra duck sauce and the largest order of lo mein I can get, thanks). My progress wasn’t rapid-fire. I didn’t go vegan. But the trainers at the gym recognize me, and a few even know me by name. That’s something.

Downsides: If you choose to use food as a means to cope with a breakup, do so with a friend. Eating kale by yourself and trying to stay happy is just a bummer all around. Additionally, it is really tempting to grab excessive amounts of sweets and junk to treat yourself. DO NOT. I repeat — do not. You will feel sick and crampy, and you don’t want to make things harder on your body when it is already coping with a massive emotional blow.

As for the workout component of this, there will be days when you think about the gym and you Just Can’t. On those days, you might feel worthless or lazy or like nobody will find you attractive ever again. Forgive yourself, give yourself a rest, and treat your body in other ways. Take a bath with some essential oils. Spend the night giving yourself a pedicure, complete with freshly lotioned legs. Take a long walk through the park and practice mindful breathing. You do not have to sweat every day. You only need to be kind to yourself.

Expert opinion: Grace Larson told me that it’s important to create healthy physical rhythms after a breakup. Breakups, she said, throw our daily routines into disarray: “In order to counteract this chaos and disorganization, it’s even more important to eat regular meals. It’s more important to make sure you’re getting enough sleep. It’s even more important to set a new, steady schedule for when you’re going to exercise.”

3) I reconnected with old friends

Effectiveness: 10/10 (MOST IMPORTANT)

My best girlfriends live in Maine and Massachusetts. Before Tom and I broke up, my relationship occupied most of my time. My lady loves fell to the wayside as I basked in the bliss of romance.

After the breakup, I was able to reconnect. I spent weekend after weekend taking long drives to binge Netflix and wine, snuggle, cry, and process my heartbreak out loud with people who loved me. I made the women in my life my priorities. I spent hours on the phone, catching up with the people I had lost touch with. Nothing feels like home quite like being barefoot on your best friend’s couch with a glass of red wine and a handy box of tissues.

These women reminded me that there were pieces of my past unburdened, or possibly even strengthened, by the breakup. Marie took me on long walks with her puppy, and the two of us sipped mimosas over brunch. She rooted me to my most loving self. She reminded me that I was still (and always had been) lovable. Olivia pulled me out of my comfort zone. She brought me rock climbing and to Walden Pond. She helped me celebrate my independence. She talked me through asking my ex for my things back. Marie and Olivia helped me rebuild a foundation of my strongest, happiest, and most present self. They reminded me that all was not lost.

Downsides: If you’re going through a breakup and live a long distance from your best friends, using these visits as a coping mechanism may be more challenging. If that happens: SKYPE! FaceTime. Plan phone calls. Make sure to hear their voices.

Also, when you’re in a heartbreak space, it can be challenging to remember that your friends have other commitments — partners, jobs, social lives — that they also need to tend to. When they are unavailable, remind yourself that it is not because they don’t want to help you feel better. It’s impossible to pour from an empty glass. Your biggest supporters still need to recharge between snuggle sessions. It’s not because they don’t care. It’s because they want to care most effectively for you AND themselves.

Expert opinion: Larson told me that breakups disrupt what psychologists call our “attachment systems.”

“In the same way that an infant child is reliant on their mother or their primary caregiver to soothe them … adults still have a strong need to connect deeply with one other person,” Larson said.

“And normally there is this process, when you go from being a little kid, your attachment bond is with your mom or your dad, grandparents, a close caregiver. When you transition into adolescence, that attachment bond becomes your closest, most intimate friends. And then when we become adults, our primary attachment is likely to be to a romantic partner.”

The question, as Larson put it, is this: What happens after a breakup, when you can no longer rely on your partner to be your primary attachment?

“What happens for a lot of people is they switch that attachment back to those people who in an earlier stage of life may have been the primary attachment. Your attachment might snap back to close friends, it might even snap back to your parents, or it might snap back to an ex-lover.”

4) I cut off all my hair

Effectiveness: 6/10

I went through the panicked must change everything impulsivity soon after the breakup. I made the decision to get a dramatic haircut, and chopped off about 10 inches. The new look upped my confidence and gave me back some of my sass. My ex had loved my long hair. Getting it cut off felt like reclaiming my body as my own, asserting my autonomy, and taking a risk. I left the salon feeling as glamorous as Rachel Green.

Downsides: The 30 seconds of panic after looking in the mirror for the first time post-haircut. But only those 30 seconds.

Expert opinion: Larson put this impulse in the context of both evolutionary biology and identity reassertion. She said, “Everybody knows you’re newly single. You’re going to try to be attractive — that makes perfect sense. In light of the research, it makes sense that you would try really broadcast this new, strong identity.”

5) I blocked my ex on every social media channel I could think of

I’m a Facebook stalker. I’m a rabid Instagram follower, a Snapchat checker, and a general social media addict. Immediately following a breakup, this quality was poison. I was thrilled to be able to show off my new life and my happiness, but a single update from my ex would leave me devastated and confused and missing everything about him.

The day he started posting pictures of himself with other women, I spent the afternoon feeling ill, angry, and betrayed. So rather than give up my social media accounts and the small comfort they brought me, I blocked him. On. Everything. I blocked his snaps and his Instagram feed. I blocked him on Facebook. I deleted his email address from my address book. I removed his number from my saved “favorites.”

The blocking was a very wise move. Not only did it stop me from seeing any potentially heart-wrenching posts, but it also kept me from posting unnecessary fluff, to make my life look exciting and rewarding on the off chance that my ex decided to look at my profiles. My life is exciting and rewarding, and not feeling the need to prove it helped me to actually participate in and enjoy it.

Downsides: Not being able to see what your ex is up to is actually really challenging. When you’re used to being a part of someone’s every day — when you care about their happiness, how successful they are, whether they are reaching their goals — the sudden disconnection of social media removal can feel overwhelming.

But I promise it helps in the long run. You can’t dwell on whether they are seeing other people. You can’t go through all of their recently added friends, or check to see who might be liking their photos. The pain of not knowing hurts much less than the pain of constantly obsessing — trust me.

Expert opinion: When I spoke to Larson about this habit, she referenced the work of Leah LeFebvre, a professor at the University of Wyoming who studies dating and relationships. Larson told me, “When you post glamorous pictures as evidence of your exciting new life, LeFebvre and her colleagues would call this ‘impression management.’ In contrast, they consider blocking or unfriending an ex as part of the strategy of ‘withdrawing access.’”

According to Larson, “These researchers argue that they are both part of the process of dictating the storyline of the split ("I'm the one who is winning in this breakup!"). … These tactics serve to demonstrate — to yourself, your ex, and anyone else who's watching — that you are self-reliant and flourishing in the wake the breakup.”

6) I downloaded Tinder and started dating again — casually

Effectiveness: 4/10

This was the scariest part of my post-breakup revolution. I vowed not to have a serious partner for at least a year after Tom and I broke up. However, he was the last person I had kissed. The last person I had shared a bed with. The last person who had played with my hair and warmed my (always, always) cold toes. When I thought of intimacy and flirtation, I immediately thought of him. It made the concept of dating an absolute nightmare, which is precisely why I (re)downloaded Tinder and started talking to new people.

At first, I felt cheap and guilty, as though I were betraying my ex or making false promises to these new matches. But after a few weeks, I met some wonderful people. I went for coffee and out to lunch, and got to know men and women who were brilliant, accomplished, ambitious, affectionate, warm, whose company reminded me that I myself was bright, charming, and desirable. These people treated me like I was exciting, and so I felt exciting.

Downsides: You will feel guilty. You will feel confused. You will feel unsure of yourself. You might feel dirty, or ashamed, or cheap. You might feel like you’re using other people. You might feel dishonest. Dating again after a breakup, especially soon after a breakup, is not for everyone. Having sex with someone new after a breakup, especially soon after a breakup, is not for everyone. Listen to your body and your instincts. If you feel gross or uncomfortable during a date, it is okay to cut that date short, go home, get in the bath, and listen to Josh Groban until you feel cozy again.

Expert opinion: St. Louis University’s Brian Boutwell says that dating after a breakup is a good idea because it’s almost guaranteed to result in one of two options: It will make you realize there are other fish in the sea, and therefore help you get over your ex; or it’ll inspire you see the good things about your old relationship, and therefore lead you to the decision to get back together.

“There is the potential for an evolutionary payoff in both respects,” he said. “You might either regain your old mate or you can move on, acquiring a new, maybe more promising mate.”

7) I threw myself into my work and career

Effectiveness: 10/10

The breakup might have hurt my heart, but it helped solidify my career and my professional goals. Since the breakup, I’ve been offered two competitive jobs in public health and a fellowship with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. I have been motivated to study for graduate and law school entrance exams. I have been able to dedicate myself to my work, with no distractions.

The freedom of not needing to consider another person’s aspirations has been a saving grace for my self-love, as I’ve enthusiastically fed my ambition. I accepted a new job with a better title, and transitioned back into a field of work that I am passionate about, gender-based violence prevention. At 22 years old, I gave my first lecture to university students, on sex trafficking and wartime sexual violence as human rights abuses.

I’ve submitted presentation proposals to three academic conferences, written several papers, and co-authored a book chapter on sexual violence prevention. I have joined the Toastmasters public speaking group, improved my rhetorical skills, and explored opportunities in political journalism. In short, I have achieved, in spite of — and because of — the heartbreak. I have learned never to underestimate the power of a woman in love, or the power of a woman recently out of it.

Downsides: There are no downsides here!

Expert opinion: “Breakups make you feel out of control,” Larson said. “They take agency away from you.”

As a result, she said, “Not only are you going to feel more attractive and more valuable if you’re really kicking ass in your career, it’s also an area where you can exert total control.”

These were the steps I chose in order to feel most empowered and soothed during my heartbreak. This is not to say that I am completely over it. When you truly love someone, I’m not certain there ever really is an “over it.” But I am confident and happy. My life feels gloriously like my own, and I’m grateful for this opportunity to have gotten to know myself even better.

Katie Bogen is a clinical research program coordinator at Rhode Island Hospital.

First Person is Vox's home for compelling, provocative narrative essays. Do you have a story to share? Read our submission guidelines , and pitch us at [email protected] .

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Breakups are painful. Unlike many people believe, it is painful for the both sides: the dumper, if he or she truly loved you for a period of time, feels probably the same pain as you do. It is just that when he or she finally decides to leave you, they are often already past the shock and grief. As for the dumpee, it is only the beginning. And, unlike many Internet articles suggest, there is no quick way to deal with the pain; there is no shortcut, no magic pill that would help the dumpee suddenly wake up and feel alright. A breakup is a loss, and as in case of any loss, there will be grief and all the circles of hell.

In fact, there are going to be four of these circles, and then the exit from hell. The four circles, or stages of mourning are denial, anger, bargaining, and depression; the exit is acceptance, but we will talk about it later.

Denial is the reaction of your psyche aimed at protecting your personality from the incredible intensity of the initial post-breakup emotions. Denial can last for minutes or days, depending on what kind of person you are. Sometimes (although it is a pathology, and not common or typical) denial can last for decades: in fact, as well as each of the other stages. When in the denial stage, a dumpee often believes his/her ex has made a mistake, got confused, and will eventually realize it and return. After this usually comes anger: “How could he/she do this to me?” Many people find it difficult or even impossible to feel anger towards a person they held so dear, and instead direct this anger towards themselves, or try to choke it out somehow. It is important to let yourself feel anger: write hateful emails, tear up all your ex’s photos to pieces, break contact with him or her (and usually a dumpee tries to maintain contact with an ex during the denial stage), and so on. This anger is the result of frustration caused by a sudden breakup, and is natural; during this stage, it is important to let anger out, but in a way that will not harm other people physically or emotionally. Next comes bargaining: a dumpee hopes the relationship can be restored, and starts the attempts to return to their ex. And then there comes depression: a period of deep sadness, reflection, analysis of the mistakes made by both partners, tears, and isolation. During this period, it is important to not try to shove away the negative feelings with alcohol, drugs, rebound relationships, or in any other way, but feel this deep melancholy, and stay in it while it lasts. And finally, as a way out of hell, there comes acceptance. This is also a part of the grieving process, but compared to the previous four, it brings a person hope instead of suffering. Not the hope for reconciliation with an ex, but the hope—or better said, knowledge—that a dumpee can make it alone. Acceptance is the period or letting go, when one realizes that nothing can be fixed, nothing from the past is coming back, so he or she learns to live out his or her own life, and learns to understand and enjoy themselves and his or her life ( Livestrong.com ). Acceptance cannot be rushed; it comes only if the previous stages of grief have been passed completely—this is why it is crucial that one does not try to skip any of the stages.

All this does not mean, however, that one needs to go through the grieving process alone. It is natural during this period to feel isolated, or even to try isolate oneself. At the same time, there are many people around who can make dealing with the breakup easier; reaching out to good friends or family members is a helpful and wise first step in the recovery process—especially if any of them had gone through the same hardships before. It is crucial that one can trust these people, and that they are fully over their broken relationships—otherwise, a dumpee’s negativity can only be refueled. A supporting person must be able to listen to a dumpee without judging, criticizing, giving advice, and so on. If all of one’s friendships are connected to an ex, it is recommended to see a counselor or a psychotherapist who will help the dumpee get through the grieving process without getting stuck in each of the phases. Making new friendships, or joining a support group of people who have found themselves in the same situation can also help. Interests clubs, lectures, community activities, and so on are also an alternative to staying alone 24/7 and rummaging in one’s broken feelings ( HelpGuide.org ).

It is also important that a person takes good care of themselves. It is easy to put one’s hands down, start ignoring one’s own needs, and float with the river of sadness. However, this—along with trying to ignore or suppress one’s negative feelings—is a part of what holds recovery back. Therefore, during the period of grief, it is important to eat healthy food, exercise, have enough sleep, and avoid unnecessary stress ( HelpGuide.org ).

Breakups are never easy. Sometimes it takes a person years to get fully over someone who dumped them, and it depends not only on psychic constitution, so to say, but also on how (and whether) this person had passed all the five stages of the grieving process. This process includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, and it is important that each of these stages is completely realized, felt, and lived through. Only in this case can one can fully recover and become able to build new, stronger, and more satisfying relationships.

Works Cited

“Stages of Grief after a Breakup.” Livestrong.com . Leaf Group, 03 May 2015. Web. 18 Dec. 2016. .

“Coping with a Breakup or Divorce: Moving on after a Relationship Ends.” HelpGuide.org . N.p., n.d. Web. 18 Dec. 2016. .

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Home » For You » Relationships

204 Breakup Paragraphs: Say Goodbye With Respect And Kindness

Let your partner know through a text that you no longer wish to continue your unhappy relationship.

Nirali Bhatia is a renowned counselor and cyberpsychologist with a decade of experience. She has a master's degree in Counseling Psychology and has received additional training in Cyberpsychology. She has graced the TEDx stage, been quoted in leading newspapers, and frequently appears on news channels, sharing her domain knowledge and insights. Read full bio of Nirali Bhatia

Shivani Chandel is a postgraduate in English literature from Panjab University, Chandigarh and a certified relationship coach. She has four years of experience in copy editing and writing about entertainment, health, lifestyle, and beauty. Read full bio of Shivani Chandel

Madhumati is an associate editor with seven years of professional experience. She has previously worked as an editor, proofreader, and a writer with various organizations, helping her navigate through the various facets of content creation and refinement with ease. Read full bio of Madhumati Chowdhury

Image: Created with Dall.E

“We understand the world through the stories or narratives we tell ourselves. Without any closure at the end of a relationship, we may keep wondering what it was about ourselves, the other person, or the situation that caused the relationship to end. When we do not have the ‘facts’ to answer these questions, our brains begin to make up information to fill in the missing gaps. This made-up information can cause significant distress and hinder us from entering into a new healthy relationship,” opines Sara Makin , licensed professional therapist, stressing the importance of a kind, respectful, and non-judgmental closure.

Although ending a relationship through a text or email is not recommended, if you have to do it anyway, there are some things you should include and avoid.

Makin suggests, “ Avoid blaming the other person or their qualities and traits for the ending of the relationship and stick to what you know. List your reason for the breakup clearly. Only include your thoughts and feelings; do not predict what the other person may be thinking or feeling. Finally, show appreciation for the positive times that you spent together.”

If you struggle with words and need help composing an honest and clear breakup paragraph, scroll down to pick the most appropriate breakup message.

In This Article

Breakup Paragraphs For Him

• I have been thinking a lot about us and our situation. The distance between us has grown as you have moved to a different country. Our long-distance relationship is not working. Hence, I believe we both need to part ways and move on. I will always cherish the time we spent together and the memories we created. Take care of yourself.
• The hurt of leaving you is unbearable, but being heartbroken is better than living a lie in the form of a relationship. I never thought our journey would ever end; I was so sure of you and this relationship. But as fate would have it, things changed for the worse. With a heavy heart, I am saying goodbye to this five-year-long relationship.
• While I was busy loving and enjoying our moments together, you were busy trying to mold me according to your whims and fancies. I wish you had not deceived me with your fake love and care. Maybe we could have saved our relationship. But now, all I can say is goodbye.
• It breaks my heart, but I need to do it. I have to break up with you not because I do not love you but because it is right. We cannot go on with these daily fights and misunderstandings and hurt each other. We have to accept that separating is the best decision for both of us, no matter how much it hurts today. I love you. Goodbye.
• It is such a sad reality that we failed to understand each other even after spending so much time together. Let us separate and see if things work out between us. It is the only solution I can see for now. Goodbye!
• Love is like a tide; it rises and falls. Unfortunately, my love for you is a tide that has fallen for good. I know it is hard to hear, but I owe it to you, to be honest. I hope you will move on like the mighty ocean waves with power and purpose. Good luck in the future.
• The time I spent with you was perfect, joyful, and exhilarating. But what we didn’t expect was that the storm of time would uproot all our happiness. Today, I am in such a fix in my life that I cannot promise a fulfilling future to you, my love. Hope we meet again in better circumstances. Till then, goodbye.
• It takes all the courage in the world to say goodbye to someone with whom you have so many memories to treasure. But I have concluded that breaking up is the best decision for us now. I pray to the Lord that you will have better health and a better life.
• Baby, I am sorry, but I cannot weave more lies and tell you that I still love you. We both know there is no love between us anymore. That said, I will always hold respect and admiration for you. I don’t blame you for our situation, but I blame my fate! My heart is shattered. My eyes weep as I say goodbye to you. May you have all the happiness in life that couldn’t give you!
• Everyone should have friends, and I have never discouraged you from enjoying a healthy social life. But it seems you cannot forget about your ex-boyfriend and still hang out with him. I am tired of always being your number two and cannot listen to your lies anymore. Good luck and have a very happy life.
• Bidding you farewell is like a nightmare coming to life. I will always cherish all the good times we had together. Take care, dear. You will always be a part of my heart, and I wish the best for you.
• Unfortunately, time and communication didn’t help me get rid of the mental image of you with someone else. More than the fact that you cheated on me, it hurts me that you didn’t come to me with your dissatisfaction. In some ways, I can understand – I don’t completely blame you. But I cannot accept that you chose not to be honest with me. At this point, I cannot move past this and trust you. I hope you will understand, but this is goodbye.
• All I ever hoped for was your love and trust. But when you cheated on me, all my dreams about our future came crashing down around me . Now, I need some time to gather the broken pieces of my heart, and I need to do it alone. I hope we will meet again and form a new friendship. But right now, I need to leave this relationship behind and move on.
• It is impossible to say farewell to someone who holds a special place in your heart. I don’t fully understand how we got here, but we are at a stage in life where there is no turning back. I feel powerless and cannot stop my tears from flowing. I never expected this moment to ever come between us. But here it is. I wish you well in your future. Goodbye.
• I understand things haven’t been exactly rosy between us lately. The dark clouds of mistrust and jealously have replaced the sunshine of your lovely smile. Trust me, I want to quash all these doubts, but I feel tied down by my self-respect. So, let us end it here. I hope you find someone you can trust and invest in openly.
• Hey, I want to let you know that I appreciate how good you have been to me all these months. However, I want to be solo right now, and being in a relationship isn’t my cup of tea. I am breaking up with you. Maybe I will wish I didn’t, maybe I will be happier, but it doesn’t matter. I need to move on.
• I loved you, and I know you loved me, too. However, things nose-dived when you couldn’t be honest with me and decided to cheat. There is nothing left to discuss or understand because the guy I thought I met would have treated me more kindly. It is the end for me; I want to break up.
• It is very painful for me to see that I am losing you bit by bit every day. I know you will never return, and I cannot wait any longer. So, it is in our best interest to end it right now. We don’t belong together. Thank you for being with me all this time. It is time to say goodbye.
• Today, I finally understood why they say love is not enough without communication and trust. I hope you reflect on why you chose to have an affair instead of working on our differences together. Please do not contact me; it will hurt too much. It is best if we both move on. Take care.
• I already feel I will regret this letter because you gave me such pleasure that no other man could ever give. Just by being you, you brought out the best in me. Your love has brought me to the tallest heights that could be expected. However, this is the end of the road for us.
• Our meetings no longer excite me. Our phone calls feel like a chore. I don’t mean to hurt you, but it just doesn’t feel right anymore. Sometimes feelings just fade, and we can do nothing about it. I wish you the happiest life. Goodbye.
• I tried hard to express my feelings for you, but you never seemed interested. It is painful and exhausting to be the only partner working for the relationship to succeed. I cannot take it anymore. Maybe we aren’t compatible. I want to end this and wish you the best in the future.
• I just need to get it off my chest; I am no longer in love with you. I don’t know if I ever was, but all the memories with you are beautiful. Maybe I just wanted to have what everyone has: a stable relationship, a house, and a dog. But now, my priorities have shifted. I am sorry for complicating things. Emotions are just dynamic.
• We had the best time when we were together. But it is hard to be in a relationship when there is no space to breathe, and you feel smothered. Right now, I need autonomy and independence in my life. So, we need to face the truth and walk away from each other’s life.
• I will never deny that I loved you, but things changed with time. I just want to be honest about my feelings so that both of us can move on. The love and affection are not the same as before between us. Thus, we should part ways peacefully. I am breaking up.
• Our breakup hurts me greatly, but I would rather heal a broken heart than suffer in a disappointing relationship. You promised to be better when I told you about your shortcomings several times. But now I realize they were all just hollow words. I cannot take it anymore; I want to end this relationship. Goodbye.
• There is nothing more painful than living in a phony relationship. All you get is disappointment and hurt. So, it is time to end all drama and be realistic. It is my goodbye message to you. Stay happy.
• Lately, all we do is fight, argue, and shout. So, there is no place left for love, understanding, and compassion. We both can take the blame for the eventual demise of our relationship. So, let us not stretch it further and give ourselves a break. Thank you for all the love and happy memories.
• All I want to say is we had a perfect relationship with just one fatal flaw. We have no future together. Let us be brave so that we can move on to better things. I want to end it now. Goodbye.
• You used to make me feel special during the initial phase of our relationship. I became crazy about you and never imagined my life without you. But now, with all your work stuff and social engagements, I feel ignored and taken for granted. I have to give myself the love I deserve. So, I am saying goodbye now to say hello to a new life without you.
• My feelings changed, and I am so sorry for that. There is no other man involved here; there is just a change in the way I look at you. I know you deserve more than I can give you. Please forgive me and goodbye.
• Hey, I want you to know that this decision is tearing me apart. Over time, I’ve realized that we’ve grown in different directions. Our dreams, our priorities, they don’t align anymore. It’s not about blaming each other; it’s about acknowledging that we both deserve happiness, even if it’s not together.
• I cherish the beautiful moments we’ve shared, but lately, I’ve felt like something’s missing. It’s not fair to either of us to pretend otherwise. I need to find my own path, and I believe you too deserve someone who can fully reciprocate the love you give.
• Our relationship has been an incredible journey, but I can’t ignore the fact that we’ve been drifting apart. I’ve been struggling with my own personal growth, and I feel like I need to do this alone for a while. It’s time to find out who I am outside of us.
• You’re an amazing person, and you deserve someone who can give you the love and attention you truly need. Lately, I’ve been struggling to be that person for you. I need to take some time to focus on myself and heal from my own wounds.
• This isn’t easy for me, but I have to be honest with myself and with you. Our communication has been strained, and it’s been affecting both of us negatively. I believe we both need space to grow and rediscover ourselves.
• I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching, and it’s become clear that our paths are diverging. I’ve been trying to find my own happiness within our relationship, but it’s time for me to step back and search for it within myself.
• I want you to know that you mean the world to me, but I can’t ignore the growing feeling of being held back. We have our own dreams and aspirations, and I think it’s time for both of us to pursue them separately.
• I hope you understand that this decision doesn’t diminish the love and appreciation I have for you. We’ve had some truly magical moments together, but it’s time for me to explore life independently and see what the future holds.
• I’ve always believed that honesty is the foundation of any relationship. So, it’s important for me to admit that I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I think it’s best for both of us to take a step back and breathe.
• I truly hope you get someone who can give you their whole heart because lately, I’ve been struggling to do that. It’s time for us to release each other and look for the happiness we both deserve, even at the expense of walking different paths.
• I want you to know that breaking up is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve realized that I’ve been holding onto our relationship more out of fear than love. I need to face my fears and discover who I am outside of this comfort zone.
• Our love has been a beautiful chapter in my life, but every story has an ending, and I believe it’s time for us to close this chapter. We’ve been through so much, and I hope you find the strength to move forward just as I must.
• I’ve always admired your strength and resilience, but lately, I’ve felt like I’m losing myself. This is not a decision I take lightly, but I believe it’s the best way for us both to find our individual paths to happiness.
• The laughter we’ve shared, the tears we’ve wiped away, they are moments I will always treasure. But I can’t ignore the feeling that we’ve become more like best friends than lovers. It’s time for us to set each other free.
• I’ll always remember the love and support you’ve given me, and it’s because of that love that I’m doing this. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and grow as an individual. I hope you understand.
• I want you to know that this decision doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. It’s just that we’ve been on different pages lately, and it’s time for me to turn a new one in my life’s story.
• Our relationship has brought me so much joy, but lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m drowning in expectations. I need to find myself again and figure out what truly makes me happy. I hope you can find your own happiness too.
• It’s hard to put into words how much you mean to me, but I have to be true to myself. I need space to grow, to heal, and to become the best version of myself. I hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve as well.
• I’ve always believed that love should be liberating, not suffocating. Lately, I’ve felt trapped in a cycle of uncertainty, and I need to break free to discover who I am without these constraints.
• You’ve been an incredible partner, and I will always cherish the memories we’ve created together. But it’s become clear that we’re no longer bringing out the best in each other. It’s time for us to step away and find the happiness we both deserve.
• Breaking up with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it’s also the most honest. We’ve both changed; and as much as I’ve tried to deny it, our connection isn’t the same anymore. I hope we can find the happiness we seek separately.
• Our love story has been a beautiful chapter in my life, and I will always cherish the memories we’ve made. However, I’ve come to realize that we’ve grown into different people with different needs. It’s time for us to pursue our individual journeys.
• I want you to know that my decision is not a reflection of your worth or the love I have for you. I’ve been struggling to give you the love and attention you deserve, and it’s only fair that we both have the opportunity to thrive on our own.
• The bond we shared was special, but lately, it’s felt like we’re holding onto something that’s already slipped away. It’s time for us to let go and discover what life has in store for us individually.
• Your kindness and understanding have meant the world to me, but I’ve reached a point where I need to rediscover my own strength and purpose. This isn’t about finding fault; it’s about finding ourselves again.
• I’ll forever be grateful for the love we’ve shared, but it’s time for me to take a step back and regain my sense of self. We both deserve to be with people who can offer their whole; and right now, I can’t.
• I’ve learned so much from our time together, but I can’t deny that recently I feel that this relationship is in some ways hindering my growth as an individual. It seems to me that I have lost vision of my own aspirations and dreams and only think about us. I need to rediscover myself, and I think I need to do that on my own.
• Our relationship has been a source of happiness and support, but it’s also become a crutch that’s preventing me from standing on my own. I need to learn to rely on myself and become the person I want to be.
• It’s heartbreaking to admit this, but I’ve been feeling a growing sense of emptiness in our relationship. I believe it’s crucial for both of us to experience life without each other and see where it takes us.
• You’ve been an incredible partner, and I hope you find someone who can give you the love and attention you deserve. As for me, I need to embark on a journey of self-discovery and find the happiness that comes from within.
• As I sit here writing this, my heart aches, but I know deep down it’s the right decision. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, but lately, it’s been more down than up. It’s time for us to part ways and find the peace we both need.
• Our love story has been a beautiful chapter in my life, but every chapter has its end. I’ve realized that I need to focus on my own growth and happiness, and I hope you find the same on your journey.
• I want you to understand that my decision to end this relationship is not a rejection of you as a person. You’re incredible, and you deserve to be with someone who can give you their all. Right now, I need to find myself again and heal.
• Saying goodbye to you is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it’s also an act of self-love. We’ve been drifting apart, and it’s time for both of us to rediscover what truly makes us happy, even if it means doing it separately.

You should honor how wonderful things once were and then let your ex know how you feel at this moment. Explain how things have fallen apart in the breakup paragraph for your boyfriend. Remember, it is not about blaming them but helping them understand what happened.

Breakup Paragraphs For Her

Take a look at some deep and heartbreaking breakup messages for her in the section below.

• This is going to be hard for me. I want to be honest with you nonetheless. My job has become more demanding lately. I have realized I cannot give you the attention and support you deserve. I hate the idea of you feeling stuck or unfulfilled in our relationship. It is not fair to either of us. I hope you understand that this decision comes from a place of wanting the best for both of us. Take care of yourself.
• I don’t deny that I still love you. But you have corrupted my trust with your lies. I wish you heard my heart’s silent cries. We were a perfect couple — so carefree and happy. It is a pity you just couldn’t see the beauty of our love. Goodbye.
• Love didn’t vanish from our relationship in a single day. It was a consistent and gradual decline that we failed to realize. I loved you, but not anymore. So, goodbye and live happily.
• We know the feeling is mutual but do not have the formal chance to seal the breakup. I have been thinking about parting ways since our last meeting. Finally, I have the guts to say it to you. I want to move on with my life without you. Let us call it quits.
• There is no hope for our relationship. We have lost our spark, and it is time to bid farewell to each other. Good luck with your life.
• Despite working on bridging our misunderstanding for months, I cannot feel things getting any better. So, it is best not to remain linked with each other anymore. You have been nice to me, and I will respect you always.
• Both of us can feel the lack of passion and excitement. And life is too short not to experience the best and most thrilling connections. I don’t blame you for anything. I hope you will understand my point: goodbye and good luck.
• I hope you will forgive me for all the wrongs I have done to you. All my insecurities and tantrums came from a place of love. I have always had a fear of being abandoned and ignored. For the sake of our sanity, let us break up and not get involved with each other. Goodbye!
• My heart is scared because I have realized we cannot be together. I may never discover love as real as ours, and I am unsure if I will even try. If you cannot take me with you, I hope you take a piece of my love, care, and respect with you forever. We will always be together in spirit.
• I respect you for your confidence and self-assuredness. You are always calm, and I look at you with awe. I hope you take my decision to break up with you in stride and do the right thing. You are such a lovely and good guy. I wish you the best.
• Instead of coming to me and sorting things out, you asked your friends for advice. While I understand your actions in a way, I am not sure I can accept being your second choice all the time. I will never be able to feel that level of intimacy with you. So, we should part ways.
• It was easy for you, not me. My heart aches to know that we could not understand each other’s wishes and desires even after so much time together. We should isolate for some time and see if things work out between us. I want a break from you and this relationship. Goodbye!
• I still have feelings for you, but they have diluted over time. I also think they will get weaker with time until they vanish completely. I didn’t want to hide this from you because I still care about you. I will always be here for you when you need me, just not as a girlfriend. Goodbye.
• Every day we meet many people: some are just bystanders, while some join our caravan. No matter how long these people stay with us, the truth is they eventually have to leave. I am really happy you were my companion for this period, but now I feel it is time to leave and find my path alone. Thank you for everything.
• We promised to be honest with each other at every turn of our relationship. So today, I need to tell you something: I met someone, and I fell in love. I feel so guilty and blame myself for these feelings every day. I cannot lie to you — the kindest and the most understanding man I have ever met. I am sorry to leave you like this. Take care.
• I think you will agree that we just couldn’t make our relationship work despite trying our best. I don’t want to keep watering a dead plant, so I think we should end here peacefully. I am sorry, but this is goodbye.
• You know how much I have loved you over the past years, but now I cannot stay with you. Our endless, bitter fights make me stay up at night, and I cannot find peace in my life anymore. I hope you can forgive me one day. Goodbye.
• I feel this relationship is choking me now. There are a lot of things I want to do for myself, but it is impossible to find time for them with you around. So, I want to end this. I feel like I cannot deal with all this stress anymore. I am sorry, but goodbye.
• It is said that one person always loves a little bit more than the other in every relationship. I think I am that person. But I cannot keep giving my all and receive nothing. I love you, but I don’t want to live in this parasitic relationship anymore. It is sucking the life out of me and exhausting me to the core.
• Love is when one person understands you and forgives you even before you apologize. I wish we got it before it was too late. I will never regret meeting you and falling for you; we had a wonderful time. But, like all good things, our relationship has also reached its end. This is it for me.
• Sometimes it is nobody’s fault when people break up; it just happens. I hope you don’t take it personally, but we are not right for each other. I am sure there is someone better than me for you in this world. You just have to wait for the Universe to send them your way.
• When we first met, a fire of passion burnt inside me. With time, however, your actions and ignorance extinguished this fire. I think now is the time to say goodbye. It is not that I don’t love you, but I love myself more. I am afraid I cannot be with you. Goodbye.
• Saying goodbye to you is tough, but I know we are better off as friends than lovers. I don’t want to hurt you, but I also don’t want to be hurt. Someday, we will meet again. Goodbye.
• Have you ever felt like you are sinking in a bottomless pool of water? Sadly, I feel that every day. And I don’t think it is okay for anyone to go through such terrible experiences. So, I think we should end this relationship. It was fun for a while, but now I don’t feel comfortable around you. I am sorry, but this is goodbye.
• I feel unbearably heavy and helpless; breaking up is so hard. Babe, I still have feelings for you, and I always will, but our love was a mistake. We need to end this right now else we might fall apart completely.
• We have been trying to fix our relationship for so long, but I just cannot do it anymore. It is just not working. I am so tired of feeling helpless and desperate. Everything has its end, and ours is now. Goodbye.
• We have been together for a while, but I don’t feel the same way about you as when I met you. I don’t want to hurt you by making you think that we can make this work. I hope you will find someone who will love you the way you deserve.
• I was happy with you. But I need to concentrate on myself more right now. I cannot drop everything and forget about other people in my life. I am sorry, but I cannot live like this anymore. It is goodbye.
• I have been feeling unappreciated for the last few months. And I am tired of waiting for you to respect and value me. I know I deserve better, so I am walking away to find happiness. Goodbye.
• Baby, I know I said sorry after hurting you, and you said you forgave me. But I feel you will always be judging me and never love me the way you did before. So, it is better for us to part now. Even though my heart is breaking, I still think it is better this way. I love you and wish you find a perfect girl for you.
• Baby, I am tired of our constant fights. While I know part of it is my fault, discussions are a better way of solving disputes than fighting. But, despite ongoing initiatives from my end, these ugly disputes don’t end. It seems I am not the woman for you. So, let us agree for once to part ways amicably.

Breakups involve grief and pain. The parting words echo in your conscience long after a relationship has ended. So, choose to be kind and respectful while writing a breakup message for her.

Sad Breakup Paragraphs

• I am feeling really sad as I write this, but I have to tell you something. I have been thinking a lot, and I realize that we are just not on the same page anymore. It hurts to say this, but I think it is best if we go our separate ways. Our time together was special, and I will always treasure the memories we made. Take care of yourself.
• Maybe we are not mature enough to handle this relationship. So, instead of dragging it and making it worse, let us call it off and move forward in life. Goodbye.
• While writing this message, I am in so much pain that you cannot even imagine. But it is time to face the truth. We don’t love each other anymore; we just fulfill each other’s needs. The time has come to say goodbye.
• We had wonderful chemistry, no doubt. We had our shares of joy and love. But, from the beginning, our perspectives were different. Over the year, it has created a big gap, and everything has fallen apart. Goodbye sweetheart.
• Yes, you can say I am a coward for breaking over text. The truth is, I cannot see your sad face. It is also a fact that I cannot live with you anymore. Goodbye.
• I will not hurt you: this was my commitment to you. I never anticipated that I will leave you amid storm all alone. I am sorry, but I have to go. Goodbye.
• Even when I decided to break up with you, my heart was not ready to send you this message. But, I did, because I think this is best for both of us. Goodbye.
• There was a time when the thought of separating from you used to scare me from within. But now there is no doubt that I want to end this relation.

I don’t feel you anymore. It has been great, but all things eventually end — even the best ones. I wish we could go back to the good old days, but it is not happening. Thank you, take care.

• I still love you; I do. But I love myself more. It is not working out, and I know you can see it as well. Our relationship can ruin my whole personality, and I don’t want that. It is goodbye.
• Your love used to be the only thing that felt real to me. But it was just an illusion. Sorry for wasting your time and making your life miserable. I wouldn’t do that if I could. I am leaving; it will be better for both of us.
• Of course, I will miss you. I cannot imagine my life without you in it, but I know that it is time for both of us to move on. Maybe someday we will meet again and start over again, but as for now, it is goodbye.
• We will ruin each other if we keep doing this. It is not going to work, baby. We were not meant for each other, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We both deserve better than endless fights.
• I feel extremely tired of this relationship. I know you feel it too. We need to take a break and think about what we want to do with our lives. Who knows what will happen next? It is goodbye for now.
• Twenty-four hours is not enough to explain to you how much I don’t want this to end. But I feel like I don’t have a choice. I cannot talk to you the way I could when we first met, and that’s driving me crazy. I am sorry, but it is time to say goodbye to each other.
• There is no easy way to say goodbye to someone you still love. But I don’t feel like our relationship has a future. It sounds terrible, but sometimes love is not enough to build a happy relationship. I wish you all the best in life.
• You can see through me, and probably you have already noticed that something has changed between us. It seems our love has gone. I don’t feel it anymore. Your eyes don’t shine as they did before. We must confess that we are both unhappy in this relationship. Then why shouldn’t we try to find our true love elsewhere?
• You know you found me in the darkest times of my life when I tried to get over my previous relationship. I know you tried your best to heal my wounds, but it still hurts. I am not sure if I will get better, but one thing I know for sure: you shouldn’t be with a man who still loves another woman. I am sorry.
• I don’t want you to be sad just because our relationship ended. Life goes on, and you will have a lot of amazing precious moments in your future. Everything is going to be okay.
• I am not afraid to lose people because, actually, I never lose them. The part of them stays with me, in my heart. I am sorry, darling, but we have to break up. I don’t think this is going to work.
• There is nothing worse than trying to revive an already dead relationship. We have to admit it and move on. Let us break up and walk our ways.
• You cannot blame me for letting us go now as you let go a long time ago. It is hard for me to look into your eyes and not feel butterflies in my stomach. I used to think that you were the love of my life, but now I know that I have to keep searching.
• It is not fair to pretend our relationship will work when I know in my heart my attention is elsewhere. You deserve someone who will love you, and only you, and I know you will find someone who will treat you right. Goodbye.
• I want you to know you deserve a person who will see you as I see you every day, as the most incredible human being alive and a jewel that should be cherished and protected to allow it to shine. I am sorry I cannot be that person for you.
• Thank you for teaching me to trust my instincts; you were the first to show me my truth. I don’t lie anymore, as you can probably tell from all of this.
• There may be billions of women in the world, but none will ever shine more brightly than you. You will lead my heart throughout my life like the North Star, no matter where I am. Your love will come to give me hope even when the night skies are packed with gloom.
• It is best for us to move forward and choose our preferred directions. Life was wonderful with you, and I am going to take time to get out. I am going to move out eventually. So, farewell, and take good care of yourself.
• My mind hates you so much that it may stop me from texting you. But my heart will never stop loving you. Be happy and take care.
• I will never be the same person as you knew, from this moment on. Now, I know how pain can transform people into something they are not.
• The things you have done for me will always earn my respect for you until my last breath. I truly have no harsh feelings for you. Have a great life. Goodbye.
• I consider myself lucky to have someone in life who loved me with a true heart. I will always be grateful to you for giving me a taste of true love.
• Time may heal my broken heart but it can never erase your memories from my head. Our paths are divided, but my love for you will remain the same!
• I never thought I would have to bid goodbye to you, but sometimes nightmares become a reality. I will always cherish all the good times we had together. Take care, dear.
• I always thought love could melt the pain away, no matter how painful it is. But I never thought pain could also melt love away, no matter how great it is.
• My love for you was so true. You know I would never forget you, but now my heart is crushed and broken in two. I should have never fallen in love with you.
• Some wounds never appear on the body, but they are way too deeper in the heart and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. This separation yields similar wounds. But, it is something that we should bear for our future.
• Just because a relationship ended doesn’t mean two people stopped loving each other. Sometimes, they just stopped hurting each other. It is what I think we should do, too.
• We don’t feel pain at the time of missing our dears. The pain starts when you live without them and with their presence in your mind.
• I wanted to love, and I honestly tried my best to love you as you love me. But I cannot lie to myself anymore. We cannot be together; it just doesn’t seem right. You are a wonderful person, and I know you will eventually find someone who will be just right for you.
• I have realized that there is more to me than loving you. I got so used to being your other half that I completely forgot I needed to be myself in the first place. I am sorry, but we cannot see each other anymore.
• I have tried countless times to set things straight, but every time I try to compromise and take one step forward, you move three steps back. Thus, I am sorry, but this is the end. Goodbye.
• I feel like I don’t want to kiss you back when you kiss me. When you hug me, I cannot wrap my arms around you with the same tenderness you have for me. When you say you love me, it is so hard for me to say I love you too. I am sorry, but I am not the one you need.
• Every moment without you feels like a cruel eternity. But I’ve realized we can no longer mend the cracks in our love. It’s with a heavy heart that I let you go, wishing you all the love and joy in the world.
• The thought of life without you is a storm cloud that refuses to pass. Our love has become a bittersweet memory, and I need to find my own way through this rain. Please remember the love we shared, even as we part.
• It’s like a part of my soul is missing, and I can’t keep pretending everything is alright. Our love was once a beautiful masterpiece, but now it’s become a faded canvas. I hope you find a brighter palette for your future.
• The emptiness in my chest is a constant reminder of what’s been lost. I never wanted to say these words, but it’s time for us to let go. You deserve a future filled with love and laughter, and I hope you find it.
• Time can’t erase the memories we’ve created, but it’s clear that we’re no longer the same people we once were. I’ll always cherish the moments we shared, but it’s time for us to find our own paths to happiness.
• The pain of this goodbye is etched deep within my heart. We’ve weathered storms together, but this storm seems too overwhelming. I hope you can forgive me for needing to find solace in my own journey.
• Our love was a beautiful garden, but it’s with a heavy heart that I admit it’s withered away. I’ll forever carry the scent of our memories, but I must let go and allow you to bloom anew in a different garden.
• I wish I could undo this pain, but my heart can no longer bear the weight of our struggles. Our love story was a chapter in my life I’ll never forget, but it’s time for us to close the book and write our separate stories.
• It feels like a hurricane of sorrow is tearing through my soul, but I believe this is the only way forward. I’ll always cherish the love we had, but it’s time for us to release each other and seek our own paths to healing.
• Each day without you feels like a slow descent into darkness. Our love has become a shadow of what it once was, and I can’t bear to see it wither further. I hope you find a love that rekindles the light in your heart.
• The tears I’ve shed could fill an ocean, but they won’t change the fact that we’ve grown apart. I’m breaking inside, but it’s time for us to release each other and seek the happiness we both deserve.
• It’s agonizing to admit that our love has lost its way. We once danced together in the moonlight, but now the music has faded. I wish you a life filled with love and harmony as we part ways.
• The weight of this decision presses on my chest, but I can’t ignore the chasm between us. Our love story was perfect– until it wasn’t. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
• It’s like a never-ending storm within my soul, and I can’t find shelter in our love anymore. I hope you can understand that this goodbye is not a choice made lightly, but a necessary step toward our individual healing.
• I wish I could turn back time and rewrite our story, but reality is unforgiving. Our love was a symphony that’s become a melancholic tune. I hope life composes a beautiful melody for you in the days ahead.
• The echoes of our laughter still haunt my thoughts, but it’s clear we’ve reached a crossroads. Our love has become a tangle of thorns, and I must release you to find a gentler path to happiness.
• The pain of losing you scars my soul, but I believe it’s time for us to find solace in our own worlds. Our love was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’ll carry it with me as I move forward.
• It breaks my heart to say that I can’t find that spark in your eyes when you look at me now. I think you also realize that something is missing from my side as well. No matter how sad it makes me feel, I have to admit that there is no other way than breaking up now.
• The pain of this farewell is a relentless storm inside my heart. We once promised forever, but now our love feels like a distant memory. I hope you find the sunshine you deserve as we part ways.
• It feels like I’m saying goodbye to a part of myself as I say goodbye to us. Our love was a thing of beauty but now it has started to turn into something ugly. I do not want bitterness to consume us and so, I think it is best to part ways.
• Leaving you will leave a void in my life that will never be fulfilled. But for both of our wellbeing, we must call it quits.
• Knowing that I will see you at the end of the day used to make me happy. But I cannot find that happiness anymore and I believe we all deserve to be with people who bring us genuine joy. I am sorry to say but I have decided to break up with you.
• I wish I could hold onto you forever, but I can’t ignore the fact that our love has become a broken promise. We once danced under the stars, but now they’ve dimmed. I hope you find your own constellation to guide you.
• I’m haunted by the memories of what once was, but we’ve become strangers in this love story. I hope this break up helps us find who we are as individuals and be happy in our own ways.
• The pain of this goodbye is a constant companion, but I hope it leads us both to a brighter future. Our love was a majestic river, but it’s changed course. I hope you find your own path to happiness.
• The echoes of your laughter still resonate in my heart, but our love has lost its harmony. Our symphony has become a dissonant chord, and I hope you find a new melody to dance to.
• It’s as if a part of me is missing, and I need to find it on my own. Our love was once a guiding star, but now it’s faded in the night sky. I hope this breakup helps us find our guiding stars, individually.
• It’s been a while since I have been feeling a sense of disconnection with you. I thought I would be able to work it out but unfortunately, I cannot. With a heavy heart, I have to tell you that I want to break up.
• It’s so sad to think that our relationship has become so overwhelmed with doubts and suspicions. I don’t think a healthy relationship should have so many questions that go unanswered. For my own sanity and your well-being, I think it’s best that we break up.
• Our love was a candle that burnt out, leaving only a trace of melted wax. I hope you find a new flame to light your way, as I embark on a journey to rediscover the spark within me.
• I never thought our love would become a riddle with no solution. It’s time for us to stop searching for answers in each other and seek the clarity we both need separately.
• It’s as if the colors have faded from my world since we started drifting apart. Our love used to be a vibrant painting, but now it’s a grayscale memory. I hope life adds new hues to your canvas as we part ways.
• I never imagined the day would come when I’d have to say these words, but our love has become a puzzle missing crucial pieces. I hope you find the missing parts of your heart and complete your own picture of happiness.

Amid heartbreak, there is often no answer to ease the grief and loss. “In times like these, the final moment of honesty is a way to honor the hard work and intimacy you have practiced up until now. Then, focus on saying it with kindness. Avoid blaming and shaming for what may have happened between you. And finally, share what is necessary; this is not a debate or negotiation, and you don’t need to defend your decision,” recommends Melissa Spaulding , a licensed clinical mental health counselor.

Misty, a blogger, shared a letter she wrote to her lover. She shared, “I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried, believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to make it work. I’ve tried to hang onto the good times. But there’s just nothing left. The time has come for us to go our separate ways ( i ).”

Infographic: What To Do After Sending A Breakup Paragraph

Illustration: StyleCraze Design Team

Breakups are never easy, no matter who makes the first call for the separation. However, there are manners to part ways that can, if not lessen the heartache, can avoid adding insult to the injury. To end things positively, you need to communicate the reason for the separation without resorting to blaming and shaming. While breaking up in person is recommended instead of over text, there may be situations where the former is not a valid option. In such cases, you can take inspiration from the breakup messages shared in this post.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it OK to write a breakup letter?

While it’s not the preferred way, you can break up via a letter under certain circumstances: • If seeing the person is too hard because they cheated on you. • If your partner tends to get aggressive or violent. • If you are in a long-distance relationship. But, let them know why you chose to break up over a letter instead of a call or meeting them face to face.

Is it okay to break up over text?

There are certain circumstances in which breaking up over text is practical. If you are in a long-distance relationship or if your partner is abusive, you can break up via text. You can also choose this method if you know meeting them will put you in an on-again-off-again cycle.

Why is silence so powerful after a breakup?

If you keep communicating with an ex after breaking up, it may give them hope that there is a chance you both can get together again. Talking to your ex after breaking up may also not let either of you move on. Disconnect from them and maintain radio silence so they know exactly where you stand. You may also want to go silent on social media and with certain friends to give yourself time to heal from the breakup.

Key Takeaways

• Breakup paragraphs can help end relationships with dignity, showing respect and kindness to both parties involved.
• Communicate your feelings and reasons for the breakup clearly and respectfully to foster understanding and give your partner the chance for closure.
• These paragraphs help you acknowledge the other person’s feelings and express empathy, even if you are the one initiating the breakup.
• Breakup paragraphs can help encourage personal growth and healing, emphasizing positivity and moving forward.

Personal Experience: Source

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From Heartbreak to Healing: Navigating the 7 Stages of a Breakup

The pain won't last forever

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Ivy Kwong, LMFT, is a psychotherapist specializing in relationships, love and intimacy, trauma and codependency, and AAPI mental health.  

David Prado / Stocksy

Stage 1: Ambivalence

Stage 2: denial and shock, stage 3: anger and resentment, stage 4: bargaining and negotiation, stage 5: depression and sadness, stage 6: acceptance and healing, stage 7: growth and moving on, keep in mind.

We know that breakups can be devastating, no matter how they play out. One minute you’re strolling through the park hand in hand, picturing your future together. Next thing you know, you're left alone with visions of your future plans crumbling around you.

Going through a  breakup can be  as painful as grieving the death of a loved one because we’re essentially losing one of the most important relationships in our lives, says  Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licens ed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

The grieving process can feel like an emotional roller coaster, where you’re riding waves of  anger , sadness, confusion, loneliness, anxiety, guilt, and regret, interwoven with moments of relief, hope, and acceptance. Sometimes you go through these stages one by one, other times you repeat them or bounce back and forth between different emotional states so fast that it gives you whiplash.

When it comes to breakups, you can experience anger, resentment, and loss all in the same breath, says Clarissa Silva , a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and developer of “Your Happiness Hypothesis.”

But at the end of this road, there is acceptance and growth, so hang in there!

At a Glance

The stages of a breakup are similar to the stages of grief. Here's what you can expect to go through:

• Ambivalence: “ Was breaking up the right thing to do?”
• Denial and shock: “ This cannot be happening!”
• Anger and resentment: “How dare they do this to me?”
• Bargaining and negotiation: “Things will be different this time.”
• Depression and sadness: “No one will ever love me.”
•  Acceptance and healing: “The relationship ran its course and it's over now. I'll be OK.”
• Growth and moving on: “I’ve moved on. I'm happy for them, wherever they are.”

A million thoughts and feelings run through your head immediately after a breakup . At this stage, your heart and head play tug of war with your emotions, pulling you in different directions.

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Wondering if you did the right thing: Sometimes, you’re convinced that breaking up was the best thing to do. Other times, you find yourself wondering if maybe, just maybe, you could've made it work.
• Playing out all the scenarios: Your mind keeps playing out all the different “what-if” scenarios: “What if I had said this? What if they had done that? Would we still be together then?”
• Getting emotional whiplash: One moment you're feeling empowered, imagining your future without them, and the next, you're drowning in a sea of nostalgia, going through old photos and texts, desperately trying to hold onto something that’s slipping away.
• Experiencing mixed emotions: Your emotions are all over the place. You’re relieved that the fights are over, but you don’t want to be single again. You’re angry at your ex about the way they treated you, but you also miss them.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope with mixed feelings:

• Acknowledge your feelings: Remember that it’s OK to have conflicting feelings. Acknowledge your emotions and allow yourself to feel your feelings fully as they arise so they can be felt, expressed, and moved through you.
• Be honest with yourself: Take the time to understand your needs, desires, and priorities. Reflect on what you want in a relationship and whether the ambivalence you’re feeling is because you genuinely want to be with the person or because you’re afraid of change . “Don’t lie to yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and define your truth,” says Silva.
• Make a pro and con list: It may be helpful to make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship. This can help you objectively figure out whether or not breaking up was the right thing to do.
• Consider a grief ritual.  Rituals can help you regain a sense of stability and work through your emotions. They can be powerful and symbolic ways to help you in the process of healing and letting go. It may help to write a letter to your ex of all the things you want to express and then burn it, intentionally dispose or give away physical reminders of the relationship, or clean and update your environment in a way that brings you feelings of peace and hope.

Shock tends to set in soon after a breakup. At this stage, we’re in denial about the breakup and our emotions. “Denial is a protective mechanism that absorbs the pain as we slowly deal with a shifting reality,” says de Llano. 

• Refusing to accept reality: You’re probably thinking that this can’t be happening. You’re hoping that things get better and go back to the way they were. According to de Llano, common thoughts at this stage are: “We’ve been through this before, we can fix it,” or “They’ll come around and we’ll get back together.” 
• Avoiding painful emotions: Denial serves as a protective shield against the intense emotions that come with a breakup. Instead of facing the pain head-on, you bury your emotions and distract yourself with work or other responsibilities, to avoid thinking about it.
• Forgetting it happened: You keep forgetting that you’re not together anymore. You may find yourself reaching for them in your sleep or expecting to see them when you walk through the door.
• Staying in touch with your ex: You may continue to text and call your ex as though you’re still together, consulting them about your life as though nothing has changed, says de Llano.
• Not sharing the news: You may not have told your friends and family members about the breakup yet, because you’re not ready to face it and a small part of you is still hoping that maybe you’ll get back together.

These are some strategies that can help you cope with shock and denial :

• Allow yourself to feel: Stop hiding from your emotions and busying yourself with other tasks to distract yourself. Allow yourself to feel all the feels, no matter how painful they are in the moment.
• Share the news with loved ones: De Llano recommends sharing the news with your loved ones and telling them how you feel, so you can begin to process the situation.
• Adjust to your new reality: Forgetting that you’ve broken up, only to be reminded of it again and again can be painful. Allow yourself to grieve when you find yourself forgetting that things in your life are not the same anymore, says de Llano. Slowly, you will start to adjust to your new reality.
• Avoid contact with your ex: Follow the no contact rule and avoid calling and texting your ex. Stalking them on social media is off limits too, says Silva. “This habit only slows your progress because it occupies your brain with thoughts of their activities and whereabouts.” Research shows that staying in touch with your ex makes it harder to move on.

In the wake of a breakup, you may feel intense anger and resentment toward your ex.

• Feeling hurt: You may feel hurt at your ex’s actions. This hurt can manifest in the form of anger, says de Llano. She explains that you may find yourself thinking: “How dare they ignore me/hurt me/leave me?”
• Picking fights: Your anger may prompt you to act out in reactive ways, such as sending hurtful messages, saying things you don’t mean, and picking fights with your ex even after the breakup, says de Llano.
• Playing the blame game: You may look for a target to direct your anger toward. You may blame your ex, yourself, or other factors for the breakup.
• Replaying past offenses: A reel of your ex partner’s offenses may play in your head on a loop. Every little thing they did to offend you over the course of your relationship can pile up and intensify your anger.
• Sending them bad vibes: You may hope and pray that misery befalls your ex, so that they can’t be happy without you.
• Destroying memories: Your anger may manifest in physical ways, prompting you to discard or destroy items that remind you of them.
• Becoming bitter: Your anger can color your view of life, making you feel bitter, cynical, and resentful toward others.

These are some strategies that can help you cope with anger and resentment:

• Sit with it: De Llano explains that it’s natural to feel angry in these circumstances. She recommends sitting with your anger, even though it’s uncomfortable, so that it can rise and fade away on its own.
• Channel your anger: It’s important to channel your anger toward healthy outlets such as exercise, art, or music, says de Llano. 
• Set healthy boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your ex-partner to avoid any situations that may trigger your anger or resentment.
• Avoid badmouthing your ex: Avoid badmouthing your ex’s negative traits and character flaws to others as it reflects poorly on you, says Silva. She recommends using your conversations with others to focus on rebuilding yourself and not diminishing your ex.
• Seek professional help: If your anger and resentment are overwhelming, consider seeking therapy . A mental health professional can provide guidance and support as you deal with your anger.
• Forgive: Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or condoning everything that happened. Rather, it's about releasing the hold that the resentment has on you. This process can take time and it may involve forgiving yourself as well.

The bargaining stage is where we negotiate with ourselves and our partners ways in which we can change ourselves or our situation in order to regain the relationship, de Llano explains. “It's a grief response that helps us cope with the pain of a breakup.”

• Wishing for another chance: You might find yourself wishing for a second chance, thinking: "If only I had one more chance, things could be different."
• Promising change: You may promise your ex that you’ll change, in the hopes of getting them back. For instance, de Llano says some common promises are: “I’ll change,” “I promise things will be different this time,” or “I’ll do what you asked me to do.”
• Seeking compromises: You may try to compromise with your ex, by agreeing to attend couples therapy for example.
• Negotiating relationship terms: You may try to renegotiate relationship terms with your ex to keep them in your life, proposing friendship, friends with benefits , an open relationship , or other alternatives instead of a complete separation.
• Compromising personal values: You may compromise on your personal values, boundaries, or lifestyle choices to try and make things work with your ex-partner.

These are some strategies that can help you cope:

• Avoid reminiscing about the relationship: Although it may be difficult, try not to reminisce about the relationship because when you do that, you’re only extracting the moments of the relationship you want to remember, says Silva. “When you start to think that they should be back in your life, avoid reminiscing and weigh out the reasons that you're no longer together.”
• Don’t idealize the person: Once you’ve broken up with someone, it’s easy to over-idealize the person, says Silva. It’s important to remember both the good and the bad.
• Don’t compromise your values: Don’t compromise the values that are important to you. Remember that you can have a fulfilling relationship on your own terms with someone who shares your values .

Breakups can be painful and even lead to depression.

• Overwhelming sadness: You may feel sad and low all the time, which can make it difficult to function. Even things you once enjoyed may not seem exciting anymore.
• Crying spells: You may find yourself crying frequently, triggered by memories or reminders of your relationship.
• Hopelessness: You may experience a sense of hopelessness about the future. According to de Llano, some common thoughts at this stage include: “I’ll never love again,” “I’ll be single forever,” “I’ll never be loved in the same way,” “I feel lonely,” “I can’t handle this all alone,” “I don’t know if I can go on,” or “This feels hopeless.”
• Social withdrawal: You may find yourself isolating yourself from friends and family, as socializing can feel emotionally exhausting.
• Physiological changes: You may also experience changes in appetite and sleep patterns.

In this phase, it feels as if the rug has been pulled out from under you and the ground you once stood on is no longer there to support you.

These are some strategies that can help you cope with depression and sadness:

• Let yourself grieve: Understand that it's normal to grieve after a breakup. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship. “Be patient with yourself and the process,” says de Llano. Avoid putting pressure on yourself to "just get over it."
• Redirect negative thoughts: Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive and balanced perspectives. For example, if you tend to think “I’ll be single and alone forever,” reframe the thought to "I'm single and this is a great opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth. I have the chance to build a fulfilling life on my terms."
• Create a self-care routine: Take care of your mental and physical health, making sure you get enough sleep, exercise, and nutrition. Do things that make you feel happy and relaxed.
• Reach out to loved ones: Lean on your closest friends and family members for comfort. “​Keep yourself surrounded by those that help you feel most supported,” says de Llano.
• Focus on the present moment: Practice mindfulness to stay present and avoid being overwhelmed by thoughts of the past or future. Meditation and journaling can help with this, says de Llano.
• Seek professional support: “In this state, it is particularly recommended that you seek the help of a professional mental health clinician who can help you navigate the loss and process the feelings of sadness,” says de Llano.

You will heal over time and eventually be able to accept the loss. 

When we reach this stage, we allow ourselves to integrate the feelings, experiences, lessons, and memories of the relationship and come to the realization that it has run its course.

• Embracing the new normal: You're able to recognize that the relationship has ended and accept the new normal.
• Feeling more stable: Your emotions are more stable and you’re less likely to experience sadness, anger, or regret.
• Getting closure: You're finally able to understand and accept the reasons for the breakup. This understanding gives you closure and helps you grow as a person.
• Letting go: You're able to forgive yourself and your ex, letting go of your anger and resentment.
• Being open to moving on: The idea of moving on may have been unimaginable when you first broke up, but now you feel more ready for it. According to de Llano, common thoughts at this stage include: “That was a time in my life that has run its course. It’s over now,” or “I’m moving on. They are moving on and I’m fine with it.”

Healing Strategies

These are some strategies that can help promote healing:

• Reframe the narrative: Shift the narrative of the breakup from loss to an opportunity to learn and grow. 
• Recognize your strength: Recognize the strength and resilience within you that has helped you overcome this difficult time.
• Be grateful for the relationship: Be grateful for the positive parts of the relationship—all the memories, experiences, and lessons you took away from it.

Allow yourself to recognize and feel the loss while still remembering you will love again.

Eventually, you will reach a frame of mind where you're ready to move on and grow as a person.

• Regaining self-esteem: You may start to regain your self-esteem , feeling more confident and sure of yourself.
• Reconnecting with your social life: You may start to reconnect with your friends and start engaging in more social activities.
• Being open to new relationships: You may feel ready to start dating again and be open to the idea of a new relationship.

Growth Strategies

These are some strategies that can help promote growth:

• Read: De Llano recommends reading about relationships and personal growth, to help you process your emotions, broaden your horizons, and grow.
• Connect with others: Cultivate a network of support that has diverse perspectives , says Silva.
• Explore new interests: Start exploring new interests. You will undoubtedly learn new things about yourself in the process.
• Travel: Visiting new places can help reset your frame of mind.

A breakup can be quite an emotional journey. Although the process can be painful, each stage is a stepping stone toward a stronger, wiser version of ourselves.

If you’ve recently been through a bad breakup, hang in there and remember that things will get better. It will take time, but one day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so much. Focus on practicing self-compassion and  taking care of yourself in the meantime. You’ve got this!

O'Hara KL, Grinberg AM, Tackman AM, Mehl MR, Sbarra DA. Contact with an ex-partner is associated with psychological distress after marital separation . Clin Psychol Sci. 2020 May;8(3):450-463. doi: 10.1177/2167702620916454

Verhallen AM, Renken RJ, Marsman JC, Ter Horst GJ. Romantic relationship breakup: An experimental model to study effects of stress on depression (-like) symptoms . PLoS One . 2019 May 31;14(5):e0217320. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0217320

Kansky J, Allen JP. Making sense and moving on: the potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups . Emerg Adulthood . 2018;6(3):172-190. doi: 10.1177/2167696817711766

By Sanjana Gupta Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Breakups Always Hurt, but You Can Shorten the Suffering

Three steps to get over your ex

“ How to Build a Life ” is a column by Arthur Brooks, tackling questions of meaning and happiness. Click here to listen to his podcast series on all things happiness, How to Build a Happy Life .

L iterature is full of brutally jilted lovers and cruelly broken hearts, whether Anna Karenina’s or Heathcliff’s in Wuthering Heights . But for my money, the most extreme case is Miss Havisham in Charles Dickens’s Great Expectations . In the classic novel, she never gets over the pain of being abandoned at the altar on her wedding day, decades before. Shut away in her dark house, Miss Havisham is described as a cross between a skeleton and a wax statue, frozen in a state of traumatic rejection.

As cartoonish as these characters are, they can seem achingly realistic to readers in the midst of the terrible heartbreak that can come when a romance ends. Miss Havisham’s fate seems plausible: You will never again see love as anything more than an exercise in futility. Little by little, of course, most people do get over a breakup, move on, and, eventually, love someone else. In those early days and months, however, the pain can feel like it will never end.

There is no magical remedy for a bad breakup, but that doesn’t mean you have to just suffer and read Victorian novels while you wait to feel better. There’s actually a lot you can do to speed the healing process, learn from the experience, and find new love (and, ideally, not make the same mistake again).

B reaking up is part of an ordinary life. Although the data are limited and results vary widely, some U.K. research estimates that people average roughly two serious relationships before settling into one that is considered permanent. In 2013, the average number of times Americans said their heart had been broken was five.

If your breakups have been awful, that’s normal. According to a 2018 poll from YouGov, 58 percent of American adults say breakups tend to be “dramatic/messy.” Only 25 percent said they tend to be “casual/civil.” No wonder people try to avoid them: Scholars who recently surveyed adults ages 18 to 29 found that about half said it was either moderately or exactly true that “I sometimes stay in a relationship longer than I should because I don’t know how to end it.”

Read: This is your brain on heartbreak

Breakups, at least for the breakee, are literally painful. Modern neuroscience has found repeatedly that social pain—of which abandonment is an especially acute example—can stimulate many of the same brain regions as physical pain, notably the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex. When you are in great pain, it can be hard to comprehend that you’ll ever feel better. Indeed, people experiencing depression often say that they forget what “normal” feels like.

But the pain does diminish. Psychologists writing in 2007 in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that when a romantic relationship dissolves, the average person rates her stress at a bit more than three on a one-to-seven scale of severity. Each week, that number falls, on average, by about 0.07. Think of it this way: If your grief is a solid 3.5 after a breakup, assuming you follow the average pattern, you can expect to feel better each week and only about half as bad after six months—a longer time than you perhaps want or expect, but not a permanent state of affairs.

Especially after a long relationship, a breakup can make you feel like you’ll never find love again. You most likely will, though, and maybe sooner than you think. One 2013 study published in the science journal PLOS One found that the length of the dissolved relationship is positively correlated with the proclivity of the newly single to rebound into a new relationship. Whether your specific rebound relationship is a good thing is something you have to decide, but the data suggest that you will be able to open your heart again.

K nowing your emotional wounds will heal with time doesn’t necessarily make sitting through the pain any easier in the early aftermath of an ugly split. There are a few things you can do to hasten the process of feeling better, however.

1. Think about what a jerk your ex is.

In one of the most novel experiments I have seen in the past few years, researchers at the University of Missouri recruited people upset after a breakup to try different techniques to reduce their feelings of love toward their ex and lighten their unpleasant mood. The researchers measured the effectiveness of each approach by showing the participants photos of their ex-partner while observing their brain activity on an electroencephalogram and asking them how they felt.

Read: The evolution of the desire to stay friends with your ex

When participants were instructed to think about what they truly disliked about the person they loved—for example, by focusing on questions such as “What is an annoying habit of your ex?”—their feelings of love fell by a whopping 18 percent. It didn’t come without a cost, though: It also temporarily lowered the overall pleasantness of mood by 17 percent. You have to decide whether reduced heartbreak outweighs the unpleasant memory of your ex’s bad habit. If it doesn’t, move on to technique No. 2.

2. Go have fun.

Another strategy tested in the paper above was distraction. The participants were instructed to think about positive things in their lives, such as their favorite food. This was also effective, but in a different way: Although love feelings for the ex did not decrease, mood improved by 8 percent on average. So if your principal problem after a breakup is fixating on how much you love your ex, meditate on him picking his nose. But if your problem is that you’re feeling depressed, do something fun and enjoyable to occupy your mind. Read a good book, maybe, or go for a hike (perhaps not where you and your ex liked to go).

3. Put on some sad music.

Psychologists over the years have repeatedly remarked on what seems like counterproductive behavior when people feel sad: listening to sad songs. After a breakup, you should listen to “Happy,” not “I Will Always Love You,” right?

Actually, sad music can benefit a broken heart. Writing in the journal The Arts in Psychotherapy in 2016, a psychologist reviewed the available studies and found that people seek out sad music in order to help themselves understand and find meaning in their emotions. Breakup songs can help you feel less alone in your suffering and less unique in your misfortune. And sitting with your bad feelings (rather than pushing them away) is important for your emotional well-being and growth.

Read: Sit with negative emotions, don’t push them away

I n this essay, I have offered you a few ways to shorten your heartbreak. Here is one way to extend it: Keep tabs on your ex on social media. This is strikingly common; in a 2011 study, 54.3 percent of college students confessed to having perused an ex’s social-media posts in search of photos with a new partner. In the race for fresh ways for tech to hijack our brain chemistry and make us insane, there is a huge, obvious market for an app that surveils exes and sends alerts to your phone when they look happy. You might call it Creepster, or perhaps, Havisham.

As tempting as it might be, such surveillance is a huge mistake for happiness. Research on Facebook stalking shows that it is associated with greater distress, longing, negative feelings, and sexual desire for the ex-partner; it also inhibits personal growth in the wake of the split. It is a near-perfect way to ensure that you don’t feel better.

Read: How to break a phone addiction

In order to get over a breakup, you have to let your life move on and let your ex’s life move on as well. Don’t hold on to the source of your suffering. Your pain will decrease, you will be able to love again, and you can leave Miss Havisham to wander her lonely house without you.

UNDERSTANDING COLLEGE STUDENTS’ ROMANTIC BREAKUP EXPERIENCES: AN INTERVENTION STUDY

Romantic breakups are a relatively common life event for college students, with as many as 98% of young adults reporting having experienced a breakup at any point in their past (Mirsu-Paun & Oliver, 2017). Although the events are common, breakups have been associated with several adverse outcomes, including loneliness and social isolation (Field et al., 2009; Larson & Sbarra, 2015), onset of major depressive disorder (Monroe et al., 1999), increased anxious and depressive symptoms (Samios et al., 2014), and suicidal ideation (Mirsu-Paun & Oliver, 2017). A common source of support for students experiencing adverse outcomes from a breakup has historically been university counseling centers, which have reported continued increases in the demand for counseling services (Xiao et al., 2017). Indeed, a clear need exists for interventions to support students experiencing a breakup, especially interventions that are low-resource and easy to implement in a variety of ways.

One such low-resource intervention is the use of expressive writing interventions, such as the kind frequently used by Pennebaker (2017). An extensive body of literature exists supporting the use of expressive writing interventions as an effective means to reduce an array of possible adverse outcomes, including physical health problems and anxious and depressive symptoms (see Collison, 2016; or Reinhold et al., 2018 for a review). However, researchers have also found inconsistent support for the use of expressive writing interventions, including meta-analytic findings showing no long-term benefits from engaging in expressive writing (Collison, 2016; Reinhold et al., 2018).

One area of the expressive writing literature that may explain the inconsistent findings is the use of targeted writing prompts, or writing instructions that target specific components of an individual’s experience, or encourage them to interpret a stressful event in a new way (Lichtenthal & Cruess, 2010; Ullrich & Lutgendorf, 2003). An example of this is Facchin et al. (2014), who found a benefit finding writing prompt led to a greater decrease in distress than a more “standard” expressive writing prompt in a study of adolescents’ adjustment to a new school.

In the present study, I examined the extent to which expressive writing conditions impacted college students’ reports of breakup distress, suicidal ideation, intrusive thoughts, and perceived gains compared to a control writing condition. Additionally, I examined the extent to which targeted expressive writing conditions reduced breakup distress differentially compared to a standard emotional expression writing condition.

Using an experimental design, I randomly assigned 73 college students to one of 4 expressive writing conditions. Participants in each condition completed pretest measures and completed 15-minute expressive writing tasks on 3 consecutive days, followed by completing posttest measures. I analyzed the data using a series of ANCOVAs, and I conducted four paired-samples t-tests to assess any differences that existed regardless of expressive writing condition.

No significant differences emerged among the four expressive writing conditions, and the two targeted expressive writing conditions were not statistically different from the standard expressive writing condition. Paired-samples t-tests revealed significant decreases in breakup distress and intrusive thoughts, as well as a significant increase in perceived gains. The results may support the use of expressive writing interventions in attempting to reduce breakup distress in college students experiencing romantic breakups. The results did not support the differential impact of writing condition, suggesting that the act of writing itself may be more important than the specific writing prompt individuals respond to. The findings could possibly aid clinicians in college counseling centers in treating individuals presenting for services following a breakup, as well as providing outreach programs to students, or providing expressive writing activities as self-guided, self-help resources. 

Degree Type

• Doctor of Philosophy
• Educational Studies

Campus location

• West Lafayette

Advisor/Supervisor/Committee Chair

Additional committee member 2, additional committee member 3, additional committee member 4, usage metrics.

• Counselling psychology

Breakups aren't all bad: Coping strategies to promote positive outcomes

Writing about the positive aspects of a relationship's end can build empowerment and fend off negative emotions

Almost everyone will experience the break-up of a romantic relationship at some point in their lives (and unfortunately, most will likely experience break-ups several times). Break-up or divorce can initially result in negative outcomes such as depression (Monroe, Rohde, & Seeley, 1999). In fact, when asked about how a recent break-up has influenced them, list numerous negative outcomes such as loneliness, distress, and a loss of self or sense of who they are as a person (Lewandowski, Aron, Bassis, & Kunak, 2006). Thus, an ideal coping strategy should encourage those who have experienced a romantic relationship's end to purposefully focus on the positive aspects of their experience while simultaneously minimizing negative emotions. Exploring positive outcomes in the context of otherwise negative events follows from a growing body of literature based in positive psychology that examines the positive elements of experience that promote growth and personal prosperity (Seligman & Csikszentmihalyi, 2000).

In fact, research has established that positive emotions can occur following break-up, particularly when the previous relationship did not expand the self, and when personal growth occurred after the break-up (Lewandowski & Bizzoco, 2007 ). Expressive writing or journaling is an intervention that is well-suited to coping with break-up due to its focus on cognitive-processing, simple format, and successful track record (Pennebaker, 1997). A meta-analysis suggests that writing in other contexts leads to a decrease in negative outcomes (Smyth, 1998) as well as increased subjective well-being (Frattaroli, 2006).

Consistent with this approach, researchers have also examined whether a writing-based intervention facilitated coping with a romantic break-up in nearly a hundred single participants who experienced break-up in the past three months. Those in the experimental group wrote about the positive aspects of their break-up. A separate group wrote about the negative aspects, while a third group wrote about a superficial topic not related to the break-up. All groups wrote at home for 15 to 30 minutes a day for three consecutive days without receiving any feedback from the experimenter.

They found that those who focused their writing on the positive aspects of their break-up (factors leading up to the break-up, the actual break-up, and the time right after the break-up) reported experiencing more positive emotions regarding their relationship's end and did not experience an increase in negative emotions. The increased positive emotions included feelings of such as: comfort, confidence, empowerment, energy, happiness, optimismism, relief, satisfaction, thankfulness, and wisdom.

Writing about positive writing aspects of a break-up was most effective, particularly if the break-up was mutual, while those in the negative and neutral writing conditions only increased in positive emotions if the break-up was initiated by the participant. Writing was equally effective for males and females.

Significance

This research demonstrates how a simple intervention like writing can have a beneficial effect on those coping with the end of a romantic relationship. More importantly, the present findings indicate that writing about positive aspects of the break-up can increase positive emotions and can do so without a corresponding increase in negative emotions. Further, the ability of the positive writing to produce improvements in positive emotions in the short term is important due to the potential for romantic break-up to lead to more serious problems (Monroe et al., 1999). This is especially true since many people may not automatically focus on the potential positive aspects of romantic break-up.

The fact that writing did not increase negative emotions contrasts some previous work (e.g., Pennebaker, 1997; Smyth, 1998). This may be because a break-up is less negative and less absolute compared to other traumas. As a result, participants may be more comfortable discussing the event, and may have done so with members of their social network. The ability for positively -focused writing to facilitate coping with a typically negative experience such as a break-up without increasing negative feelings is promising for the future application and efficacy of this intervention, (and perhaps other everyday problems such as job loss).

Practical application

Although break-ups are stressful events, they have the potential to produce positive outcomes (Tashiro & Frazier, 2003; Tashiro, Frazier, & Berman, 2006). These findings coincide with previous findings that a break-up can lead to positive outcomes such as personal growth, particularly when the former relationship did not provide sufficient opportunities for self-improvement (Lewandowski & Bizzoco, 2007). This research also suggests that positive outcomes of break-up were less likely when people coped by venting, but were more likely when people coped through positive reinterpretation of the break-up experience. Positively focused writing can help those who have recently experienced break-up purposefully take a new perspective and reinterpret the break-up in beneficial ways. The resulting positive outcomes can lead to greater resiliency and promote additional positive outcomes (Fredrickson & Joiner, 2002).

Cited research

Frattaroli, J. (2006). Experimental disclosure and its moderators: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 132(6), 823-865.

Fredrickson, B., & Joiner, T. (2002). Positive emotions trigger upward spirals toward emotional well-being. Psychological Science, 13(2), 172-175.

Lewandowski, G., Aron, A., Bassis, S., & Kunak, J. (2006). Losing a self-expanding relationship: Implications for the self-concept. Personal Relationships, 13(3) , 317-331.

Lewandowski, G., & Bizzoco, N.* (2007). Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2(1), 40-54.

Monroe, S., Rohde, P., Seeley, J., & Lewinsohn, P. (1999). Life events and depression in adolescence: Relationship loss as a prospective risk factor for first onset of major depressive disorder. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 108(4), 606-614.

Pennebaker, J.W. (1997). Opening up: The healing power of expressing emotion . New York: Guilford Press.

Seligman, M., & Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2000). Positive psychology: An introduction. American Psychologist, 55(1 ) , 5-14.

Smyth, J. (1998). Written emotional expression: Effect sizes, outcome types, and moderating variables. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 66(1), 174-184.

Tashiro, T., Frazier, P., & Berman, M. (2006). Stress-related growth following divorce and relationship dissolution. In M. A. Fine, & J. H. Harvey (Eds.), Handbook of Divorce and Relationship Dissolution (pp. 361-384). Mahwah, NJ, US: Lawrence Erlbaum and Associates.

Tashiro, T., & Frazier, P. (2003). 'I'll never be in a relationship like that again: Personal growth following romantic relationship breakups. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 113-128.

Original publication information

Lewandowski, G. (2009). Promoting positive emotions following relationship dissolution through writing. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(1), 21-31.

Contact information

Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. Department of Psychology Monmouth University West Long Branch, NJ 07764 Phone: (732) 263-5476 E-mail Website

• Relationships

What to Do If Your Worst Breakup Keeps Haunting You

Many people get stuck and can’t move on from their worst breakup..

Updated July 8, 2024 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

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Many people get stuck and can’t move on from the “big one.” They keep playing it back, over and over. They can’t show up as their true self, or be present in new relationships. They fall into the trap of comparison because they can’t forget what they felt. and they compare what they’re feeling now—or not feeling—to what they felt then.

Do you still play back “the “big one”? Do you find yourself comparing young love to new love and wondering why it doesn’t feel as powerful? Is it difficult to stay present in a current relationship or with someone you’re dating? If your first big breakup keeps haunting you, the following four journaling prompts may help you revisit and process what happened so you can move through it.

1. Reflect on the relationship.

Write about the positive aspects of the relationship, the lessons you learned, and the growth you experienced. Explore any underlying patterns or dynamics that might have been happening underneath. What was the tug that was fueling the attraction and that you may not have been aware of? Is it tied to any false beliefs about yourself and your story?

2. Express your emotions.

Allow yourself to freely express your feelings about the relationship and the breakup. Write about your sadness, anger , confusion, or any other emotions you’re experiencing. Give yourself permission to be honest and raw in your writing. Don’t hold back.

3. Identify self-discoveries.

Explore the ways in which this break-up has led to any self-discovery. What have you learned about yourself during this breakup? How are you different today? Do you have new definitions of love, dating, and relationships? Have you discovered or rediscovered any personal strengths or qualities?

4. Play it out.

Imagine how you think the relationship would have actually played out if you didn’t hadn’t broken up, knowing what you know today about love and relationships. How would it have unfolded? What problems would have persisted? How would you both have handled conflict? What would it have been like after the honeymoon phase? How does it keep you from falling in love? What would it look like to close that chapter of your life? To fully let go of it?

Know that if you went back to that relationship now, you would have a very different experience.

When you reminisce, you are playing back what you experienced through the lenses of your younger self. What you see is likely a distortion, not truth. You are remembering what you felt—not what it actually was. Read that again.

When you fall in love, your brain undergoes a complex series of changes. The brain regions associated with reward, pleasure, and motivation become highly active, releasing chemicals like dopamine , oxytocin , and serotonin.

These neurotransmitters cause feelings of euphoria, attachment , and a desire to be close to the person you’re in love with. Activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and critical thinking, might also show decreased activity, putting you into a certain “lovestruck” state that keeps you from seeing your partner’s flaws as readily.

Part of letting go is practicing self-compassion and forgiveness. I find myself blaming myself often for how I showed up (or didn’t) in my “big one,” and self-blame also keeps me stuck to that story. By blaming yourself, you are holding on. Giving yourself grace and knowing you loved to the best of your capacity from where you were at that time in your life is what starts to release the anchor of self-blame.

Know that you did your best. You didn’t have the awareness or tools then. Be kind to yourself. The more you blame yourself for what happened, the tighter the grip the event has on you. It was that chapter of your story, which was an important one. It's not about wanting it, and it can’t be ripped out. It’s about you writing a new one.

We collide with people. We make decisions based on how we feel. Then we realized that other things were happening underneath the surface. We tried our best. It didn’t work out. We can look back and beat ourselves up for our choices we now regret, and wish that they never happened, and let those collisions become stains on our story. We then internalize and believe we are less than, defective, or unlovable.

Or we can believe we needed to play it out. The rock needed to be turned over, even if there was nothing there. Because to discover there was nothing there was of value. Otherwise, we would have lived in regret. As long as we have value in learning about ourselves and love through the process.

This is the path that leads to acceptance and self-forgiveness (of self). This is the path that leads to our evolution and learning about ourselves through love, especially lost love. It’s not about why the relationship didn’t work (going backward on the path) but rather what we were meant to learn from the collision (going forward on the path).

Most of us get stuck in reverse. We dwell on “the one that got away” and on what could have been, and it keeps us locked in that one gear. We shift gears when we start to believe (feel) that we were meant to collide with the one we collided with, because there is learning to be had from every collision. And we would not have that learning if we never played it out.

Reminder: You needed to go through what you went through to know what you know now. Not all love is supposed to be forever. Each expired relationship is meant to connect you more to you.

John Kim, LMFT , pioneered an online coaching movement called Lumia Coaching years ago when he started working in unconventional ways. He continues to ride his motorcycle to sessions all over LA, meeting clients in coffee shops, gyms, on hikes. He's a published best selling author and speaker.

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Relationships  • Breaking Up & Heartbreak

A Non-Tragic View of Breaking Up

News of the end of relationships tends to be greeted with deep solemnity in our societies; it is hard not to think of a breakup except in terms of a minor tragedy. People will offer condolences as they might after a funeral.

This in turn reflects an underlying philosophy of love: we are taught that the natural and successful outcome of any love story should be to seek to remain with a person until their or our death and (by implication) that any break up must be interpreted as a failure governed by overwhelming hostility on one or both sides.

But there’s another scenario in which we understand that we are separating not because our relationship has gone badly but, precisely, because it has gone well; it is ending because it has succeeded. Rather than breaking up with feelings of hurt, bitterness, regret and guilt, we’re parting with a sense of mutual gratitude and joint accomplishment.

This counter-intuitive, but real, possibility has an unexpected source: it comes from having kept a crucial question in mind throughout our time together: what is this relationship for? The inquiry may feel negative: we imagine it being asked in deeply a disillusioned tone of voice. But it can, and should be, asked positively and eagerly – with the aim of finding a good answer that goes to the heart of love.

Normally, we imagine love as a kind of ownership: full of admiration, two people agree to buy one another as they might a static beguiling object. But there is another, more dynamic and less hidebound way to interpret love: as a particular kind of education. In this view, a relationship essentially comprises a mutual attempt to learn from and teach something to another person; we are drawn to our partners because we want to be educated by them and vice versa: we love them because we see in them things that we long for but that are missing in us; we aspire to grow under the tutelage of love.

For example, a partner might at the outset have been confident but gentle – a combination that, until we met them, seemed impossible. Or they knew how to laugh at themselves, while we were too withheld and solemn to do so. Or they had a practical competence that we found delightful and moving precisely because it was lacking in us. We could accurately say in such cases that the purpose of the relationship was to teach us confidence, or gentleness or how to laugh at our own idiocy or to become more dexterous – or a thousand other qualities depending on who we both are. The point is: there will be some specific and highly important things we need to do together, which define what the relationship is for.

By being with the partner, by intertwining our lives, by listening to them, even by being criticised or nagged by them, we will be able gradually to internalise what they have to teach us. But there may legitimately come a point where we have absorbed as much from them as we can. Thanks to our partner we really are more mature beings than we were when we got together: we’re more balanced and wiser; they’ve helped us to become a little more like the people we always wished to be.

Precisely because our relationship has had a great, intimate, loving purpose, it can get completed. It can be finished in the sense in which a novel can be finished – not because the writer has got sick of the trials of writing but because they have, through plenty of difficulties, brought the project to a good resolution. Or – more poignantly perhaps – a relationship can be finished in the way that childhood can be finished: a child – thanks to the immense devotion of their parents – arrives at a point at which, in order to progress further, they need to leave home. They’re not being kicked out in anger or running away in despair; they’re leaving because the work of childhood has been done: it isn’t a rejection of love, it’s love’s good consequence. Finishing isn’t a sign of failure, but of background success.

The difference in these cases is that we’ve clearly understood what all our efforts were for. There was a goal in mind: the writing shouldn’t go on forever, the child should leave home. But because – unfortunately – we have not asked what our relationship is for we can’t normally get to this sense of having reached a proper ending. Or else we are refusing to ask because the only motive for the relationship is to ensure that we are not alone – which is never, when we reflect on it, really ever a good enough reason to monopolise someone else’s life.

In an ideal relationship, the sense of completion would be completely mutual. The painful reality, however, is that we may sometimes want to leave while our partner wants us to stay together. But the idea of love as education can still apply: our unbearable conflicts mean that we’ve stopped being able to teach one another anything. We may know important qualities they should learn but we’re not the right teacher: we currently lack the patience, the skill, charm or self-confidence to transmit insights in a way that will work for them. We have done all we can. Our task is complete not because our partner has nothing left to learn but because we aren’t the right person to guide them; we are entitled to leave without feeling we are abandoning anyone.

We can avoid feeling devastated by a break up knowing that there are still so many other ways in which we still need to develop: we may have learned so much but we’re still far from complete. It’s just that the lessons we now have to take on board are going to come from someone else – or from the always profoundly educative experience of being on our own for a while.

Full Article Index

• 01. Ostracism Anxiety
• 02. The Need For A Modern Monastery
• 03. Why the world can seem so frightening - and how to make it feel less so
• 04. Four Ways of Coping With Anxiety
• 05. Might You Be Hypervigilant? A Sombre Questionnaire
• 06. A Question to Ask Ourselves When We're Feeling Low and Paranoid
• 07. The Importance of Not Knowing
• 08. Why We May Be Addicted to Crises
• 09. The Causes of Obsessive Thinking
• 10. What Our Bodies are Trying to Tell Us
• 11. Anxiety-as-Denial
• 12. Our Anxious Ancestry
• 13. Auditing Our Worries
• 14. Why We May Need a Convalescence
• 15. Don't Hope for the Best; Expect the Worst
• 16. The Age of Agitation
• 17. How to Sleep Better
• 18. How and Why We Catastrophise
• 19. On Being 'Triggered'
• 20. OCD — and How to Overcome It
• 21. How Mental Illness Impacts Our Bodies
• 22. Signs You Might Be Suffering from Complex PTSD
• 23. On Skin Picking
• 24. Stoicism and Tigers Who Come to Tea
• 25. The Seven Most Calming Works of Art in the World
• 26. After the Storm
• 27. Thoughts for the Storm
• 28. Emotional Maturity in a Crisis
• 29. Preparing for Disaster
• 30. How to Stop Being Scared All the Time
• 31. The Ultimate Dark Source of Security
• 32. What Everybody Really Wants
• 33. Simplicity & Anxiety
• 34. A Way Through Panic Attacks
• 35. Self-Hatred & Anxiety
• 36. The Question We Should Ask Ourselves When Anxious
• 37. On Anxiety
• 38. The True Cause of Dread and Anxiety
• 39. On Being Scared All the Time
• 40. The Importance of Having A Breakdown
• 41. On Asking for Help
• 42. The Normality of Anxiety Attacks
• 43. On Panic Attacks
• 01. A Place for Despair
• 02. On Being Gaslit In Our Childhoods
• 03. How to Make It Through
• 04. When Our Battery is Running Low
• 05. The Many Moods We Pass Through
• 06. When I Am Called to Die
• 07. If You Stopped Running, What Would You Need to Feel?
• 08. Can We Live With the Truth?
• 09. Five Questions to Ask Yourself Every Evening
• 10. Why Things May Need to Get Worse Before They Can Get Better
• 11. The Limits of the Conscious Mind
• 12. Why Life is Always Difficult
• 13. What is a Transcendental Experience?
• 14. Building the Cathedral
• 15. Rewriting Our Inner Scripts
• 16. What Sleeping Babies Can Teach Us
• 17. How to Endure
• 18. Everything Is So Weird
• 19. Escaping Into History
• 20. The Inevitability of Choice
• 21. What Would Jesus Do?
• 22. Stop Worrying About Your Reputation
• 23. You Still Have Time
• 24. I Will Survive!
• 25. On Trying to Control the Future
• 26. A Few Things Still to Be Grateful For
• 27. No One Knows
• 28. There is No Happily Ever After
• 29. The Catastrophe You Fear Will Happen has Already Happened
• 30. There is Always a Plan B
• 31. The Consolations of History
• 32. The Lessons of Nature
• 33. What Others Think of You - and The Fall of Icarus
• 34. On the Sublime
• 35. Gratitude for the Small Things
• 36. Why ‘Earthrise’ Matters
• 37. On Flowers
• 38. The Valuable Idea Behind the Concept of the Day of Judgement
• 39. The Wisdom of Animals
• 40. The Lottery of Life
• 41. Untranslatable Words
• 42. The Wisdom of Rocks: Gongshi
• 43. Wu Wei – Doing Nothing 無爲
• 44. The Faulty Walnut
• 45. Perspectives on Insomnia
• 46. On the Wisdom of Space
• 47. Memento Mori
• 48. On the Wisdom of Cows
• 49. On Calming Places
• 50. Why Small Pleasures Are a Big Deal
• 51. The Consolations of a Bath
• 52. The Importance of Staring out the Window
• 53. Clouds, Trees, Streams
• 54. On Sunshine
• 01. The Ecstatic Joy We Deny Ourselves
• 02. Why Illusions Are Necessary to Achieve Anything
• 03. Preparing for a Decent Night of Sleep
• 04. Returning Anger to Where It Belongs
• 05. Controlling Insomnia – and Life – Through Pessimism
• 06. How to Be Cool the Yoruba Way
• 07. Why We Should Refuse to Get into Arguments
• 08. The Perils of Making Predictions
• 09. Making Peace with Life's Mystery
• 10. The Promise of an Unblemished Life
• 11. Daring to Be Simple
• 12. Haikus and Appreciation
• 13. The Call of Calm
• 14. What Would Paradise Look Like?
• 15. How to Process Your Emotions
• 16. The Wisdom of Dusk
• 17. The Appeal of Austere Places
• 18. How to Go to Bed Earlier
• 19. Why We All Need Quiet Days
• 20. The Benefits of Provincial Life
• 21. How to Live in a Hut
• 22. For Those Who (Privately) Aspire to Become More Reclusive
• 23. The Hard Work of Being 'Lazy'
• 24. Expectations - and the 80/20 Rule
• 25. Taking It One Day at a Time
• 26. Spirituality for People who Hate Spirituality
• 27. How to Spill A Drink Down One’s Front - and Survive
• 28. How To Stop Worrying Whether or Not They Like You
• 29. On Soothing
• 30. What Is Wrong with Modern Times - and How to Regain Wisdom
• 31. The Disaster of Anthropocentrism - and the Promise of the Transcendent
• 32. On Needing to Find Something to Worry About — Why We Always Worry for No Reason
• 33. How We Are Easily, Too Easily, 'Triggered'
• 34. Hypervigilance
• 35. If The Worst Came to the Worst...
• 36. The Wonders of an Ordinary Life
• 37. In Praise of the Quiet Life
• 38. The Pursuit of Calm
• 39. Insomnia and Philosophy
• 01. African Proverbs to Live By
• 02. Why We Are Haunted by Ghosts of the Past
• 03. How to Be Cool the Yoruba Way
• 01. What Goes With What
• 02. Eight Rules to Create Nicer Cities
• 03. The Secret Toll of Our Ugly World
• 04. Henri Rousseau
• 05. Albrecht Dürer and his Pillows
• 06. On the Consolations of Home | Georg Friedrich Kersting
• 07. Francisco Goya's Masterpiece
• 08. How Industry Restores Our Faith in Humanity
• 09. Rembrandt as a Guide to Kindness
• 10. Buildings That Give Hope - and Buildings That Condemn Us
• 11. Katsushika Hokusai
• 12. Agnes Martin
• 13. The Importance of Architecture
• 14. The Secret of Beauty: Order and Complexity
• 15. Le Corbusier
• 16. Two World Views: Romantic and Classical
• 17. Oscar Niemeyer
• 18. Against Obscurity
• 19. Why Do Scandinavians Have Such Impeccable Taste in Interior Design?
• 20. Art for Art's Sake
• 21. Why We Need to Create a Home
• 22. Why You Should Never Say: ‘Beauty Lies in the Eye of the Beholder’
• 23. Andrea Palladio
• 24. Why Design Matters
• 25. On Good and Bad Taste
• 26. On How to Make an Attractive City
• 27. Art as Therapy
• 28. On Ugliness and the Housing Crisis
• 29. Johannes Vermeer
• 30. Caspar David Friedrich
• 31. Henri Matisse
• 32. Edward Hopper
• 33. Louis Kahn
• 34. Coco Chanel
• 35. Jane Jacobs
• 36. Cy Twombly
• 37. Andy Warhol
• 38. Dieter Rams
• 39. A Therapeutic Approach to Art
• 40. Christo and Jeanne-Claude 
• 41. On the Importance of Drawing
• 42. On Art as a Reminder
• 43. On the Price of Art Works
• 44. Secular Chapels
• 45. Relativism and Urban Planning
• 46. What Art Museums Should Be For
• 47. On Fakes and Originals
• 48. The Museum Gift Shop
• 01. What We Might Learn From The Dandies of The Congo
• 02. The Beauty of Komorebi
• 03. The Past Was Not in Black and White
• 04. The Drawer of Odd Things
• 05. Why Middle-Aged Men Think So Often About the Roman Empire
• 06. The Consolations of Catastrophe
• 07. What is the Point of History?
• 08. What Rothko's Art Teaches Us About Suffering
• 09. The Value of Reading Things We Disagree with
• 10. Easter for Atheists
• 11. The Life House
• 12. Why Philosophy Should Become More Like Pop Music
• 13. Why Stoicism Continues to Matter
• 14. The School of Life: What We Believe
• 15. Cultural Mining
• 16. Lego – the Movies
• 17. Philosophy – the Movies
• 18. History of Ideas – the Movies
• 19. Sociology – the Movies
• 20. Political Theory – the Movies
• 21. Psychotherapy – the Movies
• 22. Greek Philosophy – the Movies
• 23. Eastern Philosophy – the Movies
• 24. Art – the Movies
• 25. On Aphorisms
• 26. What Comes After Religion?
• 27. The Serious Business of Clothes
• 28. What Is the Point of the Humanities?
• 29. Why Music Works
• 30. The Importance of Music
• 31. The Importance of Books
• 32. What Is Comedy For?
• 33. What Is Philosophy For?
• 34. What Is Art For?
• 35. What Is History For?
• 36. What Is Psychotherapy For?
• 37. What Is Literature For?
• 38. The Joys of Sport
• 01. Following in the Buddha's Footsteps
• 02. Six Persimmons
• 03. The Four Hindu Stages of Life
• 04. Rice or Wheat? The Difference Between Eastern and Western Cultures
• 05. Eastern vs Western Views of Happiness
• 06. Four Great Ideas from Hinduism
• 07. Zen Buddhism and Fireflies
• 08. Six Ideas from Eastern Philosophy
• 09. Wu Wei – Doing Nothing 無爲
• 10. Kintsugi 金継ぎ
• 12. Lao Tzu
• 13. Confucius
• 14. Sen no Rikyū
• 15. Matsuo Basho
• 16. Mono No Aware
• 17. Guan Yin
• 18. Gongshi
• 20. Kintsugi
• 22. Why so Many Love the Philosophy of the East - and so Few That of the West
• 01. It Isn't About the Length of a Life...
• 02. On Luxury and Sadness
• 03. On Not Being Able To Cook Very Well
• 04. Food as Therapy
• 05. What We Really Like to Eat When No One is Looking
• 06. What Meal Might Suit My Mood? Questionnaire
• 01. Charles Dickens's Secret
• 02. Giuseppe di Lampedusa — The Leopard
• 03. Sei Shōnagon — The Pillow Book
• 04. Kakuzo Okakura — The Book of Tea
• 05. Victor Hugo and the Art of Contempt
• 06. Edward Gibbon — The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
• 07. How to Read Fewer Books
• 08. The Downfall of Oscar Wilde
• 09. What Voltaire Meant by 'One Must Cultivate One's Own Garden'
• 10. James Baldwin
• 11. Camus and The Plague
• 12. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
• 13. Charles Dickens  
• 14. Gustave Flaubert
• 15. Fyodor Dostoevsky
• 16. Marcel Proust
• 17. Books as Therapy
• 18. Jane Austen
• 19. Leo Tolstoy
• 20. Virginia Woolf
• 21. James Joyce
• 01. Machiavelli's Advice for Nice Guys
• 02. Niccolò Machiavelli
• 03. Thomas Hobbes
• 04. Jean-Jacques Rousseau
• 05. Adam Smith
• 06. Karl Marx
• 07. John Ruskin
• 08. Henry David Thoreau
• 09. Thoreau and Civil Disobedience
• 10. Matthew Arnold
• 11. William Morris
• 12. Friedrich Hayek
• 13. John Rawls
• 01. What Should A Good Therapist Do For Us?
• 02. The Usefulness Of Speaking Your Feelings To An Empty Chair
• 03. What's the Bit of Therapy That Heals You?
• 04. Why We Need Therapy When We Give Up on Religion
• 05. How Psychotherapy Might Truly Help Us
• 06. Why You Should Take a Sentence Completion Test
• 07. Carl Jung's Word Association Test
• 08. Freud's Porcupine
• 09. How Mental Illness Impacts Our Bodies
• 10. How the Modern World Makes Us Mentally Ill
• 11. Twenty Key Concepts from Psychotherapy
• 12. Why Psychotherapy Works
• 13. The True and the False Self
• 14. What Happens in Psychotherapy? Four Case Studies
• 15. The Problem of Psychological Asymmetry
• 16. Freud on Sublimation
• 17. Sigmund Freud
• 18. Anna Freud
• 19. Melanie Klein
• 20. Donald Winnicott
• 21. John Bowlby 
• 22. A Short Dictionary of Psychoanalysis
• 23. Jacques Lacan
• 01. You Are Living in the Greatest Museum in the World
• 02. When Something is Beautiful...
• 03. Albrecht Dürer and his Pillows
• 04. How Giraffes Can Teach Us to Wonder
• 05. Sun Worship
• 06. The Importance of Dancing Like an Idiot
• 07. Walking in the Woods
• 08. Getting More Serious about Pleasure
• 09. On Going to the Zoo
• 10. The Fish Shop
• 11. On Small Islands
• 12. On Stars
• 13. On Grandmothers
• 14. Up at Dawn
• 15. On Crimes in the Newspapers
• 16. Driving on the Motorway at Night
• 17. On Sunday Mornings
• 18. A Favourite Old Jumper
• 19. Holding Hands with a Small Child
• 20. Feeling at Home in the Sea
• 21. The Book That Understands You
• 22. Old Photos of One’s Parents
• 23. Whispering in Bed in the Dark
• 24. On Feeling That Someone Else is So Wrong
• 25. The First Day of Feeling Well Again
• 01. St. Benedict 
• 02. Alexis de Tocqueville 
• 03. Auguste Comte
• 04. Max Weber
• 05. Emile Durkheim
• 06. Margaret Mead
• 07. Theodor Adorno
• 08. Rachel Carson
• 01. Three Essays on Flight
• 02. The Wisdom of Islamic Gardens
• 03. A World Without Air Travel
• 04. Walking in the Woods
• 05. Why We Argue in Paradise
• 06. The Advantages of Staying at Home
• 07. The Wisdom of Nature
• 08. The Holidays When You're Feeling Mentally Unwell
• 09. The Shortest Journey: On Going for a Walk around the Block
• 10. How to Spend a Few Days in Paris
• 11. Why Germans Can Say Things No One Else Can
• 12. Travel as Therapy - an Introduction
• 13. Lunch, 30,000 Feet – for Comfort
• 14. The Western Desert, Australia – for Humility
• 15. Glenpark Road, Birmingham - for Boredom
• 16. Comuna 13, San Javier, Medellin, Colombia - for Dissatisfaction
• 17. Pumping Station, Isla Mayor, Seville - for Snobbery
• 18. Eastown Theatre, Detroit - for Perspective
• 19. Capri Hotel, Changi Airport, Singapore - for Thinking
• 20. Cafe de Zaak, Utrecht - for Sex Education
• 21. Corner shop, Kanagawaken, Yokohama - for Shyness
• 22. Monument Valley, USA - for Calm
• 23. Heathrow Airport, London – for Awe
• 24. Pefkos Beach, Rhodes - for Anxiety
• 01. On Flying Too Close to the Sun - And Not Flying Close Enough
• 02. Kierkegaard on Love
• 03. Aristotle
• 04. Baruch Spinoza
• 05. Arthur Schopenhauer
• 06. Blaise Pascal
• 07. Six Ideas from Western Philosophy
• 08. Introduction to The Curriculum
• 10. The Stoics
• 11. Epicurus
• 12. Augustine
• 13. Boethius and The Consolation of Philosophy
• 14. Thomas Aquinas
• 15. Michel de Montaigne
• 16. La Rochefoucauld
• 17. Voltaire
• 18. David Hume
• 19. Immanuel Kant
• 21. Hegel Knew There Would Be Days Like These
• 22. Ralph Waldo Emerson
• 23. Nietzsche
• 24. Nietzsche, Regret and Amor Fati
• 25. Nietzsche and Envy
• 26. Martin Heidegger
• 27. Ludwig Wittgenstein
• 28. Jean-Paul Sartre
• 29. Albert Camus
• 30. Michel Foucault
• 31. Jacques Derrida
• 32. E. M. Cioran
• 01. What to Say in Response to an Affair
• 02. How To Handle the Desire for Affairs?
• 03. What Does It Take To Be Good at Affairs?
• 04. What Ideally Happens When An Affair is Discovered?
• 05. When Does An Affair Begin?  
• 06. A Brief History of Affairs
• 07. How to Reduce the Risk of Affairs
• 08. The Role of Sex in Affairs
• 09. How To Spot A Couple That Might Be Headed For An Affair
• 10. How Can An Affair Help A Marriage?
• 11. The Pleasures of Affairs
• 12. The Pains of Affairs
• 13. The Meaning of Infidelity
• 14. Loyalty and Adultery
• 15. Why People Have Affairs: Distance and Closeness
• 01. Those Who Cannot Feel Love Until It Is Over
• 02. The Heroism of Leaving a Relationship
• 03. Exquisite Agony in Love
• 04. Why It Should Not Have to Last Forever...
• 05. When Does a Divorce Begin?
• 06. Rethinking Divorce
• 07. Three Questions to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in or Leave a Relationship
• 08. Stop Repeating the Same Mistakes
• 09. There's Nothing Wrong with Being on Your Own
• 10. The Wrong Idea of a Baddie
• 11. Finding Closure After a Breakup
• 12. Should Sex Ever Be a Reason to Break Up?
• 13. When a Relationship Fails, Who Rejected Whom?
• 14. The Fear of Not Being Able to Cope Practically Without a Partner
• 15. The Fear of Ending a Relationship
• 16. What About the Children When Divorce is on the Cards?
• 17. What If I Just Repeat the Same Mistakes Next Time?
• 18. Are My Expectations Too High?
• 19. Overcoming Nostalgia for a Past Relationship
• 20. The Feeling of Being Back in Love with the Person You're About to Leave
• 21. The Capacity to Give up on People
• 22. For Those Stuck in a Relationship
• 23. 10 Ideas for People Afraid to Exit a Relationship
• 24. People Who Want to Own Us - but Not Nourish Us
• 25. The Hardest Person in the World to Break up With
• 26. A Non-Tragic View of Breaking Up
• 27. A Guide to Breaking Up
• 28. How to Reject Someone Kindly
• 29. When Someone We Love Has Died
• 30. Why Did They Leave Us?
• 31. How to Break Up
• 32. How We Can Have Our Hearts Broken Even Though No One Has Left Us
• 33. The Psychology of Our Exes
• 34. 'Unfair Dismissal' in Love
• 35. How Not to Be Tortured By a Love Rival
• 36. Coping with Betrayal
• 37. Can Exes be Friends?
• 38. How to Get Over Someone
• 39. Why True Love Doesn’t Have to Last Forever
• 40. How to Get Over a Rejection
• 41. How to End a Relationship
• 42. Stay or Leave?
• 43. How to Get Divorced
• 44. On Forgetting Lovers
• 45. How Not to Break Up with Someone
• 01. People Not to Fall in Love With
• 02. Picking Partners Who Won't Understand Us
• 03. How Do Emotionally Healthy People Behave In Relationships? 
• 04. The Avoidant Partner With The Power To Drive You Mad
• 05. On Picking a Socially Unsuitable Partner
• 06. How to Sustain Love: A Tool
• 07. Questions To Ask About Someone We Are Thinking Of Committing To
• 08. Our Two Great Fears in Love
• 09. The Pains of Preoccupied Attachment
• 10. Are You Afraid of Intimacy?
• 11. Why You Will Never Quite Get it Right in Love
• 12. Understanding Attachment Theory
• 13. Why We 'Split' Our Partners
• 14. Why We Love People Who Don't Love Us Back
• 15. Should I Be With Them?
• 16. The Seven Rules of Successful Relationships
• 17. Why We Must Explain Our Own Needs
• 18. How Good Are You at Communication in Love? Questionnaire
• 19. Why Some Couples Last — and Some Don't
• 20. The Difference Between Fragile and Strong Couples
• 21. What Relationships Should Really Be About
• 22. The Real Reason Why Couples Break Up
• 23. 6 Reasons We Choose Badly in Love
• 24. Can People Change?
• 25. Konrad Lorenz & Why You Choose the Partners You Choose
• 26. The Stranger You Live With
• 27. The Attachment Style Questionnaire
• 28. Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Find It Hard to Leave One Another
• 29. The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships — Can Couples With Different Attachment Styles Work?
• 30. On Rescue Fantasies
• 31. How to Cope with an Avoidant Partner
• 32. What Is Your Attachment Style?
• 33. 'I Will Never Find the Right Partner'
• 34. Too Close or Too Distant: How We Stand in Relationships
• 35. How Are You Difficult to Live with?
• 36. Why We're Compelled to Love Difficult People
• 37. Why Your Lover is Very Damaged - and Annoying
• 38. Why Tiny Things about Our Partners Drive Us Mad
• 39. How to Love Ugly People
• 40. Why Polyamory Probably Won’t Work for You
• 41. Why We Go Cold on Our Partners
• 42. An Instruction Manual to Oneself
• 43. The Terrors of Being Loved
• 44. The Partner as Child Theory
• 45. On the Fear of Intimacy
• 46. Meet the Parents
• 47. On Finding the 'Right' Person
• 48. If You Loved Me, You Wouldn't Want to Change Me
• 49. The Problems of Closeness
• 01. How to Break Logjams in a Relationship
• 02. The Miseries of Push-Pull Relationships 
• 03. A Way To Break Logjams In A Couple
• 04. When Your Partner Loves You – but Does Their Best to Drive You Away...
• 05. A Rule to Help Your Relationship
• 06. Secret Grudges We May Have Against the Other Gender
• 07. The Demand for Perfection in Love
• 08. On Being Upset Without Knowing It
• 09. Who is Afraid of Intimacy?
• 10. Why Good Manners Matter in Relationships
• 11. A Role for Lies
• 12. The Secret Lives of Other Couples
• 13. On Saying 'I Hate You' to Someone You Love
• 14. When Love Isn't Easy
• 15. Two Questions to Repair a Relationship
• 16. Three Steps to Resolving Conflicts in Relationships
• 17. Stop Avoiding Conflict
• 18. An Alternative to Passive Aggression
• 19. Why We Must Soften What We Say to Our Partners
• 20. How to Be Less Defensive in Love
• 21. On Gaslighting
• 22. Why We Play Games in Love
• 23. On 'Rupture' and 'Repair'
• 24. Why it's OK to Want a Partner to Change
• 25. On Arguing More Nakedly
• 26. Do You Still Love Me?
• 27. Why We Need to Feel Heard
• 28. Five Questions to Ask of Bad Behaviour
• 29. The Art of Complaining
• 30. The Challenges of Communication
• 31. How To Have Fewer Bitter Arguments in Love
• 32. The Arguments We Have From Guilt
• 33. Attention-Seeking Arguments
• 34. When Our Partners Are Being Excessively Logical
• 35. When We Tell Our Partners That We Are Normal and They Are Strange
• 36. When Your Partner Tries to Stop You Growing
• 37. When Your Partner Starts Crying Hysterically During an Argument
• 38. Why We Sometimes Set Out to Shatter Our Lover's Good Mood
• 39. Why People Get Defensive in Relationships
• 40. A History of Arguments
• 41. The Fights When There Is No Sex
• 42. What We Might Learn in Couples Therapy
• 43. On the Tendency to Love and Hate Excessively
• 44. An Alternative to Being Controlling
• 45. Why We Should Not Silently Suffer From A Lack of Touch in Love
• 46. Why Anger Has a Place in Love
• 47. The Importance of Relationship Counselling
• 48. How to Argue in Relationships
• 49. Why We (Sometimes) Hope the People We Love Might Die
• 50. Be the Change You Want To See
• 51. I Wish I Was Still Single
• 52. Love and Sulking
• 53. On Being Unintentionally Hurt
• 54. The Secret Problems of Other Couples
• 55. On the Dangers of Being Too Defensive
• 56. On How to Defuse an Argument
• 57. How to Save Love with Pessimism
• 58. How 'Transference' Makes You Hard to Live With
• 59. Why You Resent Your Partner
• 60. Why It Is Always Your Partner's Fault
• 61. If It Wasn't for You...
• 62. Why You Are So Annoyed By What You Once Admired
• 63. Why You’re (Probably) Not a Great Communicator
• 01. The Need for Honesty on Early Dates
• 02. Why Dating Apps Won't Help You Find Love
• 03. Being Honest on a Date
• 04. Why Haven't They Called - and the Rorschach Test
• 05. Dating When You've Had a Bad Childhood
• 06. Varieties of Madness Commonly Met with On Dates
• 07. How to Seduce with Confidence
• 08. A Brief History of Dating
• 09. How to Prove Attractive to Someone on a Date
• 10. Existentialism and Dating
• 11. What to Talk About on a Date
• 12. What to Eat and Drink on a Date
• 13. How to Seduce Someone on a Date
• 14. How Not to Think on a Date
• 01. Getting Better at Picking Lovers
• 02. How We May Be Creating The Lovers We Fear
• 03. What If the People We Could Love Are Here Already; We Just Can't See Them?
• 04. The Lengths We Go to Avoid Love
• 05. Our Secret Wish Never to Find Love
• 06. Why We All End up Marrying Our Parents
• 07. True Love Begins With Self-Love
• 08. The Importance of Being Single
• 09. Why We Keep Choosing Bad Partners
• 10. Celebrity Crushes
• 11. Romantic Masochism
• 12. What Do You Love Me For?
• 13. If Love Never Came
• 14. On the Madness and Charm of Crushes
• 15. Why Only the Happy Single Find True Love
• 16. Should We Play It Cool When We Like Someone?
• 17. In Praise of Unrequited Love
• 18. Two Reasons Why You Might Still Be Single
• 19. How We Choose a Partner
• 20. Why Flirting Matters
• 21. Why, Once You Understand Love, You Could Love Anyone
• 22. Mate Selection
• 23. Reasons to Remain Single
• 24. How to Enjoy a New Relationship
• 01. Alternatives to Romantic Monogamy
• 02. Twenty Ideas on Marriage
• 03. For Moments of Marital Crisis
• 04. What to Do on Your Wedding Night
• 05. Who Should You Invite to Your Wedding?
• 06. Pragmatic Reasons for Getting Married
• 07. The Standard Marriage and Its Seven Alternatives
• 08. Utopian Marriage
• 09. When Is One Ready to Get Married?
• 10. On the Continuing Relevance of Marriage
• 11. On Marrying the Wrong Person — 9 Reasons We Will Regret Getting Married
• 01. What Are We Lying To Our Lovers About? 
• 02. Those Who Have to Wait for a War to Say ‘I Love You’
• 03. What Celebrity Stalkers Can Teach Us About Love
• 04. The Achievement of Missing Someone
• 05. How Love Can Teach Us Who We Are
• 06. Beyond the Need for Melodrama in Love
• 07. True Love is Boring
• 08. How to Make Love Last Forever
• 09. How to Be Vulnerable
• 10. Why You Can't Read Your Partner's Mind
• 11. What Teddy Bears Teach Us About Love
• 12. What Role Do You Play in Your Relationship?
• 13. Why We Should Be 'Babyish' in Love
• 14. The Maturity of Regression
• 15. The Benefits of Insecurity in Love
• 16. Taking the Pressure off Love
• 17. A Pledge for Lovers
• 18. A Projection Exercise for Couples
• 19. A New Ritual: The Morning and Evening Kiss
• 20. Can Our Phones Solve Our Love Lives?
• 21. If We're All Bad at Love, Shouldn't We Change Our Definition of Normality?
• 22. Other People's Relationships
• 23. How to Cope with an Avoidant Partner
• 24. The Pleasure of Reading Together in Bed
• 25. 22 Questions to Reignite Love
• 26. The Wisdom of Romantic Compromise
• 27. How to Complain
• 28. How We Need to Keep Growing Up
• 29. Teaching and Love
• 30. Love and Self-Love
• 31. Humour in Love
• 32. The Advantages of Long-Distance Love
• 33. In Praise of Hugs
• 34. Why Affectionate Teasing is Kind and Necessary
• 35. The Couple Courtroom Game
• 36. Getting over a Row
• 37. Keeping Secrets in Relationships
• 38. A Lover's Guide to Sulking
• 39. Artificial Conversations
• 40. On the Role of Stories in Love
• 41. On the Hardest Job in the World
• 42. On the Beloved's Wrist
• 01. How Even Very ‘Nice’ Parents Can Mess Up Their Children
• 02. The Parents We Would Love To Have Had: An Exercise
• 03. Fatherless Boys
• 04. How to Raise a Successful Person
• 05. The Problems of Miniature Adults
• 06. Mothers and Daughters
• 07. The Importance of Swords and Guns for Children
• 08. When Parents Won't Let Their Children Grow Up
• 09. The Fragile Parent
• 10. Parenting and People-Pleasing
• 11. Three Kinds of Parental Love
• 12. A Portrait of Tenderness
• 13. What Makes a Good Parent? A Checklist
• 14. On the Curiosity of Children
• 15. How to Lend a Child Confidence
• 16. The Importance of Play
• 17. Why Children Need an Emotional Education
• 18. Coping with One's Parents
• 19. Are Children for Me?
• 20. How Parents Might Let Their Children Know of Their Issues
• 21. How We Crave to Be Soothed
• 22. Escaping the Shadow of a Parent
• 23. On Being Angry with a Parent
• 24. What You Might Want to Tell Your Child About Homework
• 25. On Apologising to Your Child
• 26. Teaching Children about Relationships
• 27. How Should a Parent Love their Child?
• 28. When people pleasers become parents - and need to say 'no'
• 29. On the Sweetness of Children
• 30. Listening to Children
• 31. Whether or not to have Children
• 32. The Children of Snobs
• 33. Why Good Parents Have Naughty Children
• 34. The Joys and Sorrows of Parenting
• 35. The Significance of Parenthood
• 36. Why Family Matters
• 37. Parenting and Working
• 38. On Children's Art
• 39. What Babies Can Teach Us
• 40. Why – When It Comes to Children – Love May Not Be Enough
• 01. What We Really, Really Want in Love
• 02. Falling in Love with a Stranger
• 03. Why We Need 'Ubuntu'
• 04. The Buddhist View of Love
• 05. What True Love Looks Like
• 06. How the Wrong Images of Love Can Ruin Our Lives
• 07. Kierkegaard on Love
• 08. Why Do I Feel So Lonely?
• 09. Pygmalion and your Love life
• 10. How to Love
• 11. What is Love?
• 12. On Romanticism
• 13. A Short History of Love
• 14. The Definition of Love
• 15. Why We Need the Ancient Greek Vocabulary of Love
• 16. The Cure for Love
• 17. Why We Need to Speak of Love in Public
• 18. How Romanticism Ruined Love
• 19. Our Most Romantic Moments
• 20. Loving and Being Loved
• 21. Romantic Realism
• 22. On Being Romantic or Classical
• 01. The Difficulties of Impotence
• 02. What is Sexual Perversion?
• 03. Our Unconscious Fear of Successful Sex
• 04. The Logic of Our Fantasies
• 05. Rethinking Gender
• 06. The Ongoing Complexities of Our Intimate Lives
• 07. On Post-Coital Melancholy
• 08. Desire and Intimacy
• 09. What Makes a Person Attractive?
• 10. How to Talk About Your Sexual Fantasy
• 11. The Problem of Sexual Shame
• 12. Who Initiates Sex: and Why It Matters So Much
• 13. On Still Being a Virgin
• 14. Love and Sex
• 15. Impotence and Respect
• 16. Sexual Non-Liberation
• 17. The Excitement of Kissing
• 18. The Appeal of Outdoor Sex
• 19. The Sexual Fantasies of Others
• 20. On Art and Masturbation
• 21. The Psychology of Cross-Dressing
• 22. The Fear of Being Bad in Bed
• 23. The Sex-Starved Relationship
• 24. How to Start Having Sex Again
• 25. Sexual Liberation
• 26. The Poignancy of Old Pornography
• 27. On Porn Addiction
• 28. A Brief Philosophy of Oral Sex
• 29. Why We Go Off Sex
• 30. On Being a Sleazebag
• 31. A Brief Theory of Sexual Excitement
• 01. Work Outs For Our Minds
• 02. Interviewing Our Bodies
• 03. The Top Dog - Under Dog Exercise
• 04. A Guide For The Recovering Avoidant
• 05. Where Are Humanity’s Problems Really Located?
• 06. On Feeling Obliged 
• 07. Why We Struggle With Self-Discipline
• 08. Why We Should Practice Automatic Writing
• 09. Why We Behave As We Do
• 10. Mechanisms of Defence
• 11. On Always Finding Fault with Others
• 12. The Hidden Logic of Illogical Behaviour
• 13. How to Weaken the Hold of Addiction
• 14. Charles Darwin and The Descent of Man
• 15. Why We Are All Addicts
• 16. Straightforward vs. Complicated People
• 17. Reasons to Give Up on Perfection
• 18. The Need for a Cry
• 19. On Confinement
• 20. The Importance of Singing Badly
• 21. You Don't Need Permission
• 22. On Feeling Stuck
• 23. Am I Paranoid?
• 24. Learning to Be More Selfish
• 25. Learning How to Be Angry
• 26. Why We're All Liars
• 27. Are You a Masochist?
• 28. How Badly Adapted We Are to Life on Earth
• 29. How We Prefer to Act Rather Than Think
• 30. How to Live More Wisely Around Our Phones
• 31. On Dreaming
• 32. The Need to be Alone
• 33. On the Remarkable Need to Speak
• 34. Thinking Too Much; and Thinking Too Little
• 35. On Nagging
• 36. The Prevention of Suicide
• 37. On Getting an Early Night
• 38. Why We Eat Too Much
• 39. On Taking Drugs
• 40. On Perfectionism
• 41. On Procrastination
• 01. Why We Overreact
• 02. Giving Up on People Pleasing
• 03. The Benefits of Forgetfulness
• 04. How to Take Criticism
• 05. A More Spontaneous Life
• 06. On Self-Assertion
• 07. The Benefit of Analogies
• 08. Why We Need Moments of Mad Thinking
• 09. The Task of Turning Vague Thoughts into More Precise Ones
• 10. How to Catch Your Own Thoughts
• 11. Why Our Best Thoughts Come To Us in the Shower
• 13. Confidence
• 14. Why We Should Try to Become Better Narcissists
• 15. Why We Require Poor Memories To Survive
• 16. The Importance of Confession
• 17. How Emotionally Healthy Are You?
• 18. What Is An Emotionally Healthy Childhood?
• 19. Unprocessed Emotion
• 20. How to Be a Genius
• 21. On Resilience
• 22. How to Decide
• 23. Why It Should Be Glamorous to Change Your Mind
• 24. How to Make More of Our Memories
• 25. What’s Wrong with Needy People
• 26. Emotional Education: An Introduction
• 27. Philosophical Meditation
• 28. Honesty
• 29. Self-Love
• 30. Emotional Scepticism
• 31. Politeness
• 32. Charity
• 34. Love-as-Generosity
• 35. Comforting
• 36. Emotional Translation
• 38. On Pessimism
• 39. The Problem with Cynicism
• 40. On Keeping Going
• 41. Closeness
• 42. On Higher Consciousness
• 43. On Exercising the Mind
• 44. Authentic Work
• 45. The Sorrows of Work
• 46. Cultural Consolation
• 47. Appreciation
• 48. Cheerful Despair
• 01. Your Self-Esteem is a Record of Your History
• 02. Why Some People Love Extreme Sports
• 03. The Overlooked Pains of Very, Very Tidy People
• 04. On Feeling Guilty for No Reason
• 05. The Fear of Being Touched
• 06. Why Most of Us Feel Like Losers
• 07. One of the More Beautiful Paintings in the World...
• 08. The Origins of a Sense of Persecution
• 09. How to Overcome Psychological Barriers
• 10. The Sinner Inside All of Us
• 11. How to Be Less Defensive
• 12. Are You a Sadist or a Masochist?
• 13. You Might Be Mad
• 14. Fears Are Not Facts
• 15. Why It's Good to Be a Narcissist
• 16. Am I a Bad Person?
• 17. Why Some of Us Are So Thin-Skinned
• 18. The Five Features of Paranoia
• 19. Why So Many of Us Are Masochists
• 20. In Praise of Self-Doubt
• 21. Why We Get Locked Inside Stories — and How to Break Free
• 22. Why Grandiosity is a Symptom of Self-Hatred
• 23. The Origins of Imposter Syndrome
• 24. The Upsides of Being Ill
• 25. The Roots of Paranoia
• 26. Loneliness as a Sign of Depth
• 27. How Social Media Affects Our Self-Worth
• 28. How to Be Beautiful
• 29. Trying to Be Kinder to Ourselves
• 30. The Role of Love in Mental Health
• 31. Trauma and Fearfulness
• 32. On Despair and the Imagination
• 33. On Being Able to Defend Oneself
• 34. The Fear of Death
• 35. I Am Not My Body
• 36. The Problems of Being Very Beautiful
• 37. 6 Reasons Not to Worry What the Neighbours Think
• 38. Am I Fat? An Answer from History
• 39. The Problem of Shame
• 40. On Feeling Ugly
• 41. The Particular Beauty of Unhappy-Looking People
• 42. How Not to Become a Conspiracy Theorist
• 43. The Terror of a ‘No’
• 44. On Being Hated
• 45. The Origins of Everyday Nastiness
• 46. The Weakness of Strength Theory
• 47. On Self-Sabotage
• 48. FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out
• 49. On a Sense of Sinfulness
• 01. We All Need Our North Pole
• 02. We Need to Change the Movie We Are In
• 03. Maybe You Are, in Your Own Way, a Little Bit Marvellous
• 04. Why We Deny Ourselves the Chance of Happiness
• 05. How to Live More Consciously
• 06. Our Secret Longing to Be Good
• 07. Why Everyone Needs to Feel 'Lost' for a While
• 08. On the Consolations of Home | Georg Friedrich Kersting
• 09. On Feeling Rather Than Thinking
• 10. How to Be Interesting
• 11. Am I Too Clever?
• 12. A More Self-Accepting Life
• 13. 'Let Him Who Is Without Sin Cast the First Stone'
• 14. The Roots of Loneliness
• 15. Small Acts of Liberation
• 16. Overcoming the Need to Be Exceptional
• 17. The Fear of Happiness
• 18. The Truth May Already Be Inside Us
• 19. What Is the Meaning of Life?
• 20. The Desire to Write
• 21. Are Intelligent People More Lonely?
• 22. A Better Word than Happiness: Eudaimonia
• 23. The Meaning of Life
• 24. Our Secret Fantasies
• 25. Why We’re Fated to Be Lonely (But That’s OK)
• 26. Good Enough is Good Enough
• 27. An Updated Ten Commandments
• 28. A Self-Compassion Exercise
• 29. How to Become a Better Person
• 30. On Resolutions
• 31. On Final Things
• 01. The Stages of Development - And What If We Miss Out on One…
• 02. Who Might I Have Been If…
• 03. Yes, Maybe They Are Just Envious…
• 04. We Are All Lonely - Now Can We Be Friends?
• 05. How to Make It Through
• 06. 12 Signs That You Are Mature in the Eyes of Psychotherapy
• 07. The Breast and the Mouth
• 08. A Test to Measure How Nice You Are
• 09. What Hypochondriacs Aren't Able to Tell You
• 10. The Origins of Sanity
• 11. The Always Unfinished Business of Self-Knowledge
• 12. Learning to Laugh at Ourselves
• 13. A Simple Question to Set You Free
• 14. Locating the Trouble
• 15. Who Knows More, the Young or the Old?
• 16. Beyond Sanctimony
• 17. The Ingredients of Emotional Maturity
• 18. When Illness is Preferable to Health
• 19. What Should My Life Have Been Like?
• 20. Why We Need to Go Back to Emotional School
• 21. The Point of Writing Letters We Never Send
• 22. Self-Forgiveness
• 23. Why We Must Have Done Bad to Be Good
• 24. Finding the Courage to Be Ourselves
• 25. What Regret Can Teach Us
• 26. The Importance of Adolescence
• 27. How to Love Difficult People
• 28. On Falling Mentally Ill
• 29. Splitting Humanity into Saints and Sinners
• 30. Becoming Free
• 31. Learning to Listen to the Adult Inside Us
• 32. The Ultimate Test of Emotional Maturity
• 33. Can People Change?
• 34. When Home is Not Home...
• 35. Learning to Lay Down Boundaries
• 36. You Could Finally Leave School!
• 37. When Do You Know You Are Emotionally Mature? 26 Signs of Emotional Maturity
• 38. How to Lengthen Your Life
• 39. We Only Learn If We Repeat
• 40. The Drive to Keep Growing Emotionally
• 41. On Bittersweet Memories
• 42. Small Triumphs of the Mentally Unwell
• 43. The Importance of Atonement
• 44. How To Be a Mummy's Boy
• 45. On Consolation
• 46. The Inner Idiot
• 47. The Dangers of the Good Child
• 48. Why None of Us are Really 'Sinners'
• 49. How We Need to Keep Growing Up
• 50. Are Humans Still Evolving?
• 51. On Losers – and Tragic Heroes
• 52. On the Serious Role of Stuffed Animals
• 53. Why Self-Help Books Matter
• 01. Suffering From A Snobbery That Isn’t Ours
• 02. How to Recover the Plot
• 03. Why We Have Trouble Getting Back To Sleep
• 04. When, and Why, Do We Pick up Our Phones?
• 05. What is the Unconscious - and What Might Be Inside Yours?
• 06. Complete the Story – and Discover What's Really On Your mind
• 07. Complete the Sentence – and Find Out What's Really on Your Mind
• 08. The One Question You Need to Understand Who You Are
• 09. Six Fundamental Truths of Self-Awareness
• 10. Why Knowing Ourselves is Impossible – and Necessary
• 11. Making Friends with Your Unconscious
• 12. Do You Believe in Mind-Reading?
• 13. Questioning Our Conscience
• 14. A Bedtime Meditation
• 15. How to Figure Out What You Really, Really Think
• 16. Why You Should Keep a Journal
• 17. In Praise of Introspection
• 18. What Brain Scans Reveal About Our Minds
• 19. What is Mental Health?
• 20. The One Question You Need to Ask to Know Whether You're a Good Person
• 21. Eight Rules of The School of Life
• 22. No One Cares
• 23. The High Price We Pay for Our Fear of Being Alone
• 24. 5 Signs of Emotional Immaturity
• 25. On Knowing Who One Is
• 26. Why Self-Analysis Works
• 27. Knowing Things Intellectually vs. Knowing Them Emotionally
• 28. The Novel We Really Need To Read Next
• 29. Is Free Will or Determinism Correct?
• 30. Emotional Identity
• 31. Know Yourself — Socrates and How to Develop Self-Knowledge
• 32. Self-Knowledge Quiz
• 33. On Being Very Normal
• 01. How History Can Explain Our Unhappiness
• 02. How Lonely Are You? A Test
• 03. The Wisdom of Tears
• 04. You Don't Always Need to Be Funny
• 05. On Suicide
• 06. You Have Permission to Be Miserable
• 07. The Pessimist's Guide to Mental Illness
• 08. Why Do Bad Things Always Happen to Me?
• 09. Why We Enjoy the Suffering of Others
• 10. The Tragedy of Birth
• 11. What Rothko's Art Teaches Us About Suffering
• 12. Our Tragic Condition
• 13. The Melancholy Charm of Lonely Travelling Places
• 14. Nostalgia for Religion
• 15. Parties and Melancholy
• 16. Why Very Beautiful Scenes Can Make Us So Melancholy
• 17. On Old Photos of Oneself
• 18. Are Intelligent People More Melancholic?
• 19. Strangers and Melancholy
• 20. On Post-Coital Melancholy
• 21. Sex and Melancholy
• 22. Astronomy and Melancholy
• 23. Nostalgia for the Womb
• 24. Melancholy and the Feeling of Being Superfluous
• 25. Pills & Melancholy
• 26. Melancholy: the best kind of Despair
• 27. On Melancholy
• 01. We Are Made of Moods
• 02. Why Sweet Things Make Us Cry
• 03. Overcoming Manic Moods
• 04. Learning to Feel What We Really Feel
• 05. Exercise When We're Feeling Mentally Unwell
• 06. Why You May Be Experiencing a Mental Midwinter
• 07. Living Long-Term with Mental Illness
• 08. The Role of Sleep in Mental Health
• 09. The Role of Pills in Mental Health
• 10. Mental Illness and Acceptance
• 11. Mental Illness and 'Reasons to Live'
• 12. Taming a Pitiless Inner Critic
• 13. Reasons to Give Up on Human Beings
• 14. The Window of Tolerance
• 15. On Realising One Might Be an Introvert
• 16. Our Right to be Miserable
• 17. How to Manage One's Moods
• 18. On Living in a More Light-Hearted Way
• 19. On Disliking Oneself
• 20. Of Course We Mess Up!
• 21. Learning to Listen to One's Own Boredom
• 22. On Depression
• 23. In Praise of the Melancholy Child
• 24. Why We May Be Angry Rather Than Sad
• 25. On Not Being in the Moment
• 26. 'Pure' OCD - and Intrusive Thoughts
• 27. Twenty Moods
• 28. How the Right Words Help Us to Feel the Right Things
• 29. The Secret Optimism of Angry People
• 30. On Feeling Depressed
• 31. The Difficulty of Being in the Present
• 32. On Being Out of Touch with One's Feelings
• 33. Our Secret Thoughts
• 34. The Psychology of Colour
• 35. On Self-Pity
• 36. On Irritability
• 37. On Anger
• 38. On the Things that Make Adults Cry
• 39. Detachment
• 01. On Those Ruined by Success
• 02. The Demand for Perfection in Love
• 03. The Secret Lives of Other Couples
• 04. How the Wrong Images of Love Can Ruin Our Lives
• 05. Self-Forgiveness
• 06. How Perfectionism Makes Us Ill
• 07. Reasons to Give Up on Perfection
• 08. Are My Expectations Too High?
• 09. Of Course We Mess Up!
• 10. Expectations - and the 80/20 Rule
• 11. Good Enough is Good Enough
• 12. The Perfectionist Trap
• 13. A Self-Compassion Exercise
• 14. On Perfectionism
• 01. How Good Are You at Communication in Love? Questionnaire
• 02. How Prone Might You Be To Insomnia? Questionnaire
• 03. How Ready Might You Be for Therapy? Questionnaire
• 04. The Attachment Style Questionnaire
• 01. Intergenerational Trauma
• 02. How the Unfinished Business of Childhood is Played Out in Relationships
• 03. How to Raise a Successful Person
• 04. Can Childhoods Really Matter So Much?
• 05. What Some Childhoods Don’t Allow You to Think
• 06. The Legacy of an Unloving Childhood
• 07. Why You Don’t Need a Very Bad Childhood to Have a Complicated Adulthood
• 08. When People Let Us Know What the World Has Done to Them
• 09. The Healing Power of Time
• 10. You Are Freer Than You Think
• 11. On Parenting Our Parents
• 12. Letting Go of Self-Protective Strategies
• 13. How to Tell If Someone Had a Difficult Childhood...
• 14. Childhood Matters, Unfortunately!
• 15. How Should We Define 'Mental Illness'?
• 16. Taking Childhood Seriously
• 17. Sympathy for Our Younger Selves
• 18. How Music Can Heal Us
• 19. What Your Body Reveals About Your Past
• 20. Why Adults Often Behave Like Children
• 21. How to Live Long-Term With Trauma
• 22. Should We Forgive Our Parents or Not?
• 23. Reparenting Your Inner Child
• 24. The Agonies of Shame
• 25. How Trauma Works
• 26. Why Abused Children End Up Hating Themselves
• 27. Why We Sometimes Feel Like Curling Up Into a Ball
• 28. How to Get Your Parents Out of Your Head
• 29. Why Parents Bully Their Children
• 30. On Projection
• 31. Self-Archaeology
• 32. It's Not Your Fault
• 33. If Our Parents Never Listened
• 34. Why Everything Relates to Your Childhood
• 35. Why Those Who Should Love Us Can Hurt Us
• 36. The Upsides of Having a Mental Breakdown
• 37. How Perfectionism Makes Us Ill
• 38. How We Should Have Been Loved
• 39. Self-Hatred and High-Achievement
• 40. A Self-Hatred Audit
• 41. How Mental Illness Impacts Our Bodies
• 42. Two Reasons Why People End up Parenting Badly
• 43. What is Emotional Neglect?
• 44. How Unloving Parents can Generate Self-Hating Children
• 45. How Mental Illness Closes Down Our Minds
• 46. Trauma and EMDR Therapy
• 47. How to Fight off Your Inner Critic
• 48. The One Subject You Really Need to Study: Your Own Childhood
• 49. Sharing Our Early Wounds
• 50. Trauma and How to Overcome It
• 51. Why We're All Messed Up By Our Childhoods
• 52. The Golden Child Syndrome
• 53. The Importance of Being an Unhappy Teenager
• 54. How We Get Damaged by Emotional Neglect
• 55. The Secrets of a Privileged Childhood
• 56. What We Owe to the People Who Loved Us in Childhood
• 57. Criticism When You've Had a Bad Childhood
• 58. On Suffering in Silence
• 59. How a Messed up Childhood Affects You in Adulthood
• 60. Daddy Issues
• 61. The Non-Rewritable Disc: the Fateful Impact of Childhood
• 62. On the Longing for Maternal Tenderness
• 01. The Need for Processing 
• 02. The Subtle Art of Not Listening to People Too Closely
• 03. The Art of Good Listening
• 04. Becoming More Interesting
• 05. In Praise of Small Chats With Strangers
• 06. Why We Should Listen Rather Than Reassure
• 07. How We Can Hurt Without Thinking
• 08. Leaning in to Vulnerability
• 09. How to Become Someone People Will Confide in
• 10. How To Write An Effective Thank You Letter
• 11. How to Be a Good Listener
• 12. How to Comment Online
• 13. Listening as Editing
• 14. The Importance of Flattery
• 15. How to Narrate Your Life Story
• 16. The Art of Listening
• 17. How to Narrate Your Dreams
• 18. How to Talk About Yourself
• 19. Communication
• 20. How to Be a Good Teacher
• 21. On How to Disagree
• 22. On the Art of Conversation
• 01. On Feeling Painfully Different
• 02. Abandoning Hope
• 03. How to Leave a Party
• 04. On Becoming a Hermit
• 05. How to Have a Renaissance
• 06. Think Like an Aristocrat
• 07. Van Gogh's Neglected Genius
• 08. How to Be Quietly Confident
• 09. How to Live Like an Exile
• 10. How to Cope With Bullying
• 11. Stop Being So Nice
• 12. The Origins of Shyness
• 13. On Friendliness to Strangers
• 14. What to Do at Parties If You Hate Small Talk
• 15. How to Approach Strangers at A Party
• 16. How to Be Comfortable on Your Own in Public
• 17. Akrasia - or Why We Don't Do What We Believe
• 18. Why We Think So Much about Our Hair
• 19. Aphorisms on Confidence
• 20. How Knowledge of Difficulties Lends Confidence
• 21. How Thinking You’re an Idiot Lends Confidence
• 22. How to Overcome Shyness
• 23. The Mind-Body Problem
• 24. The Impostor Syndrome
• 25. On the Origins of Confidence
• 26. Self-Esteem
• 27. On Confidence
• 28. On Not Liking the Way One Looks
• 02. Why Losers Make the Best Friends
• 03. Our Very Best Friends
• 04. The Difficulties of Oversharing
• 05. Is It OK to Outgrow Our Friends?
• 06. Why Everyone We Meet is a Little Bit Lonely
• 07. On 'Complicated' Friendships
• 08. The Friend Who Can Tease Us
• 09. Don't Be Too Normal If You Want to Make Friends
• 10. The Forgotten Art of Making Friends
• 11. The Friend Who Balances Us
• 12. The Purpose of Friendship
• 13. Why the Best Kind of Friends Are Lonely
• 14. How to Lose Friends
• 15. Why Misfits Make Great Friends
• 16. How to Handle an Envious Friend
• 17. Loneliness as a Sign of Depth
• 18. Companionship and Mental Health
• 19. How Often Do We Need to Go to Parties?
• 20. Virtual Dinners: Conversation Menus
• 21. The Cleaning Party
• 22. On Talking Horizontally
• 23. Dinner Table Orchestra
• 24. On Sofa Jumping
• 25. On Studying Someone Else's Hands
• 26. What Women and Men May Learn from One Another When They are Just Friends
• 27. How to Say 'I Love You' to a Friend
• 28. How to End a Friendship
• 29. What Can Stop the Loneliness?
• 30. Why Men Are So Bad at Friendship
• 31. What Would An Ideal Friend Be Like?
• 32. 'Couldn't We Just Be Friends?'
• 33. On Acquiring an Enemy
• 34. Why Old Friends Matter
• 35. Why Not to Panic about Enemies
• 36. What Is the Purpose of Friendship?
• 37. Friendship and Vulnerability
• 38. On Socks and Friendship
• 39. The Teasing of Old Friends
• 01. The Boring Person
• 02. The Loveliest People in the World
• 03. The Life Saving Role of Small Chats
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Romantic Breakup: Difficult Loss for Some but Not for Others

• January 2019
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• 12 Psychological Effects of Breakups

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As the old song goes, “Breaking up is hard to do.” Just as every relationship is unique, every breakup goes down differently — some breakups leave us feeling relieved while others leave us shattered. What are the psychological effects of breakups?

Depending upon the circumstances surrounding the split, it’s normal to experience a crazy mix of emotions not unlike meatloaf slathered in ice cream. You might feel elation one minute, anger the next and despair to top it off. Here are 12 psychological effects of breakups you can expect as well as when it’s time to ask for help with managing your emotions.

1. The Good

Can you feel positive emotions after breaking up? Absolutely! In fact, after getting out of a very negative relationship earlier in life, my psychological outlook improved dramatically. Here are some upbeat psychological effects of breakups, which hopefully leave you smiling:

• Unparalleled independence:  One of the major positive psychological effects of breakups is regaining your independence. Want to head out to after work happy hour with the girls from the office? No need to call home unless you need the sitter to stay late. Feel like taking a spontaneous vacation in the name of health? One plane ticket is cheaper than two, and if your ex snored, there’s no need to have your hotel bedtime sanctuary interrupted by snuffing and snorting.
• Rediscovering your authentic self:  When we’re in a relationship, like it or not, we change. A breakup is the perfect time to rediscover who you are as your own person. Besides, when you love yourself and your life, you attract people with a similar vibe into your tribe.
• Making your space sacred: I’m a bit of a neat freak, and my bad ex was to housekeeping what the proverbial bull is to a china shop. After the break, no one could tell me my aromatherapy diffusers made them sneeze or leave their dirty underwear on the bathroom floor!
• Freedom to explore your own dreams: Differences in how the members of a relationship view the future can cause a lot of strife in a relationship, and even lead a lot of women to put their goals on hold. Did you know research shows that women in relationships are 15% more likely than men to say they’d move all the way to a whole new country for their partner’s job? Where’s the adaptability, boys? Well, you no longer have to worry about the answer to that question. Maybe you want a farmhouse in the country with a few chickens in the yard, but your partner thrives on city life. You’re now free to head to the boonies and get your crazy cluck lady groove on.
• Finding purpose beyond relationships:  As women, we’re often raised to think marriage and having kids represents the pinnacle of success. That’s a fine choice for some! But life has other things to offer, too. Maybe you dream of writing a novel, traveling to Africa to help build schools for girls in rural areas or running for Congress — guess what, sweetie? The only limit, now that you’re free, is the sky.

Unless your relationship was unbearably toxic, you indubitably were drawn to your partner for a reason. Those reasons were valid no matter what lead things south, and negative feelings are normal. You may not spend every weekend for a month curled up in your bathrobe eating ice cream and binge-watching “Criminal Minds,” but if that’s what you need to do to heal, listen to yourself.

• The loneliness:  If you were partnered or hitched for a long time, coming home to an empty house at the end of the day can feel lonely. And when you mourn, leaving the house to attend a social event can seem akin to undergoing root canal surgery without anesthesia. Lean on your besties during this time. Let them chill with you while you binge watch or help you with cooking a decent, healthy meal.
• The self-doubt:  If you and your previous partner seemed so perfect once upon a time, it’s normal to doubt yourself and wonder what you did wrong. Remind yourself people grow apart for different reasons. Those reasons aren’t necessarily wrong or bad, and may not have anything to do with you.
• The question of what might have been:  If you planned to wed or you were married and thought it was a forever thing,  wondering what might have been  comes hand in hand with splitting up. Remind yourself gently that things do have a way of happening for a reason. The reason for the split may not appear until years later, but have faith the universe has your best interests at heart.
• Watching your friends get hitched:  Did you break up shortly before an upcoming wedding? Having to serve as maid of honor the week after a split can leave you feeling like Adam Sandler singing about his ex Linda in “The Wedding Singer.” If you don’t feel able to handle it psychologically, a true friend will understand — take time to heal if that’s what you need.
• Insecurity about your future:  Many couples plan for their long-term futures together. When you lose that vision, it can leave you reeling, adrift like a boat without an oar. Give yourself time — you will find your direction again as you heal.

3. The Ugly

Sometimes, if the circumstances surrounding the breakup were abusive in nature, or if you find yourself falling into major depression following a breakup, seeking help becomes necessary.

• Dealing with PTSD:  Yes, you can get PTSD from an abusive relationship. Furthermore, if you suffered abuse, you probably feel guilt and shame for allowing it to go on for so long and for possibly ignoring or failing to notice the red flags at the beginning. Working with a qualified therapist can help you process your emotions and also rebuild your ability to trust.
• Feelings of overwhelming despair:  Feeling depressed after a breakup is normal, but if you find yourself thinking of ways to harm yourself, please reach out for psychological help. You can text the crisis line at 741741 or  call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline  to speak with a qualified counselor. They can help you determine if a course of inpatient or outpatient care is best to help you manage your grief.
• Finding the help you need:  Check with your health insurance company for a list of therapists accepted on your plan. Some employers offer assistance programs for staff in need — if you have access to such a resource, continue using it.

Dealing With the Psychological Effects of Breakups

Like any major life shift, dealing with the psychological effects of breakups takes time. However, with self-love, you don’t need to suffer alone, nor do all your feelings need to be negative to be valid. Breaking up may be hard to do, but it does offer you a chance to fall back in love with everything that makes you the amazing woman you are!

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Romantic relationship breakup: An experimental model to study effects of stress on depression (-like) symptoms

Anne m. verhallen.

University of Groningen, University Medical Center Groningen, Department of Biomedical Sciences of Cells & Systems, Cognitive Neuroscience Center, Groningen, the Netherlands

Remco J. Renken

Jan-bernard c. marsman, gert j. ter horst, associated data.

The data will not be stored at a public repository due to restrictions from the informed consent (subjects have not given consent to have their data publicly stored) and European data privacy regulations (GDPR). The data are available on request. A data access committee has been put in place, consisting of Prof G.J. ter Horst (Principal Investigator of the study), J.B.C. Marsman and Prof A. Aleman (head of the Cognitive Neuroscience Center), who will review requests and assure accessibility of the data. This access committee can be reached via [email protected] .

The occurrence of a stressful event is considered to increase the risk of developing depression. In the present study we explore whether the breakup of a romantic relationship can be used as an experimental model to study a depression-like state during a period of stress in individuals without a psychiatric disorder. The primary aim of our study was to investigate: 1) whether individuals with a recent romantic relationship breakup (‘‘heartbreak”) demonstrate symptoms of depression, 2) how to describe heartbreak characteristics based on data from a comprehensive questionnaire battery, and 3) whether this description can capture severity of depression symptoms. Secondary, we were interested in gender differences with regard to the above study objectives. Subjects who have experienced a relationship breakup in the preceding six months ( N = 71) or are in a romantic relationship ( N = 46) participated in our study. A questionnaire battery was administered to acquire information related to depression, mood, the breakup and (former) relationship. Principal Component Analysis with Procrustes bootstrapping was performed to extract components from the questionnaire data. Even though our sample of individuals who recently have experienced a relationship breakup can be on average considered non-depressed, group-level depression scores were elevated compared to individuals in a relationship ( p = .001) and 26.8% reported symptoms corresponding to mild, moderate or severe depression. We described heartbreak by two principal components interpreted as ‘‘sudden loss” and ‘‘lack of positive affect”, respectively. Highly significant correlations between the component scores and depression scores were found ( p < .001 and p < .001, respectively), although these correlations differed between the genders. Based on these findings, we propose that the experience of a romantic relationship breakup is a viable experimental model to examine symptoms of depression in individuals without a psychiatric disorder. This way, stress-related coping and depression vulnerability can be studied in further research.

Introduction

Stressful life-events are considered to be risk factors for the development of depression[ 1 ]. Kendler et al.[ 2 ] investigated the interplay between stressful events, genetic predisposition and depression among female twins and found that both heredity and occurrence of stressful events contributed to the onset of depressive episodes independently. Especially events with a high impact, such as death of a close family member and divorce, elevated the probability of developing a depressive episode[ 2 ], although the majority of people do not develop a depressive episode following the experience of an upsetting event. Hence, research focusing on stressful and emotionally upsetting events can give valuable insights into individual differences regarding stress-related coping and the link between stress and depression.

In this study we set out to investigate mood and depression symptoms during a period of stress in a population without a psychiatric disorder. More precisely, we explore whether the breakup of a romantic relationship can be used as an experimental model to study a depression-like state. Previous research already showed that the breakup of a romantic relationship can be seen as an emotionally upsetting event that can lead to multiple symptoms related to sadness, grief and depression and even can result in an increased risk of developing a depressive episode[ 3 – 6 ]. In a university student sample, severe breakup distress, measured with a questionnaire concerning symptoms of grief, was accompanied by feelings of betray and rejection, depression symptoms, anxiety symptoms, intrusive thoughts about the ex-partner and sleep disturbances[ 3 ]. The elapsed time since the breakup, self-reported quality of the former relationship, feelings of betray and depression scores especially predicted the severity of breakup distress[ 3 ]. Additionally, women reported higher breakup distress scores compared to men in that study[ 3 ]. In a study of Stoessel et al.[ 4 ], all of the subjects with a relationship breakup in the preceding six months and experiencing feelings of sadness about the breakup reported symptoms corresponding to clinical depression. In women with a breakup in the preceding four months, high levels of complicated grief (extreme symptoms of grief interfering with daily life functioning) were present in four of the eight subjects. In addition, a different brain pattern (increased activity in posterior regions such as the cerebellum and decreased activity in anterior regions such as the insula and temporal cortex) was found in these women when ruminating about their ex-partner in comparison with thinking about an acquaintance in a neutral manner[ 5 ]. Moreover, epidemiological data indicated an association between the occurrence of a romantic relationship breakup and first onset of major depression in a young population[ 6 ].

As it is known that the prevalence of depression is higher in women, we were also interested in differences in depression (-like) symptoms between the genders in our study. For example, data from a United States survey revealed a 1.7 times higher lifetime prevalence of depressive episodes among women[ 7 ]. Differences in stress sensitivity between the genders could play a role, as stress paradigms in rodents elucidated different stress responses between males and females[ 8 , 9 ]. Moreover, gender differences with regard to rumination might be involved. It is known that women tend to ruminate more during periods of stress[ 10 ]. A ruminative coping strategy was associated with both anxiety and depression symptoms and correlated significantly with occurrence of new depressive episodes in patients with major depressive disorder[ 11 ]. In addition, experiencing ruminating thoughts about the loss during grief was found to be related to maladaptive grieving and the development of symptoms of depression[ 12 ].

In the present study, we primarily aimed to investigate: 1) whether individuals with a recent romantic relationship breakup (‘‘heartbreak”) demonstrate symptoms of depression, 2) how to describe heartbreak characteristics based on data from a comprehensive questionnaire battery, and 3) whether this description can capture severity of depression symptoms. Secondary, we were interested in gender differences with regard to the above study objectives. To this end, young men and women, either with a recent romantic relationship breakup (the ‘‘heartbreak group”) or in a romantic relationship (the ‘‘relationship group”) participated. The relationship group was included in the study as a reference group with absence of stress resulting from a romantic relationship breakup. We expected a higher severity of depression symptoms in the heartbreak group compared to the relationship group. Given that women are more at risk for developing depression in the general population, we expected a higher severity of depression symptoms among the women in the heartbreak group than the men in the heartbreak group.

Materials and methods

Experimental design.

Subjects were invited to our laboratory to participate in the study between 2011 and 2013. The experiment comprised a self-report questionnaire battery and fMRI paradigm with a cross-sectional design. fMRI results will be reported elsewhere. Before the start of the study, written informed consent was obtained from every subject. Study procedures were approved by the Medical Ethical Committee of the University Medical Center Groningen and conducted in accordance with the principles of the Declaration of Helsinki. Subjects received a financial compensation for their participation.

Recruitment strategy

Subjects were recruited by distributing posters around faculty buildings of the University of Groningen and promoting the study using (social) media. Women of the heartbreak group (‘‘heartbroken females”) were recruited using recruitment material with terminology implying that subjects have to suffer from breakup distress to participate. With this recruitment strategy it was not possible to include a sufficient number of male subjects. Therefore, a subsample of the men of the heartbreak group (‘‘heartbroken males”) was recruited using recruitment material referring to the experience of a relationship breakup instead of suffering from breakup distress. Potential subjects could send an email to show their interest in the study and exchange contact information. A telephone intake interview was planned to explain study procedures and check inclusion and exclusion criteria. Additionally, subjects received written information. During the first stage of the study, heartbroken females were pre-selected at the intake interview based on their self-report level of sadness about the breakup on a scale from 1 to 10, because at that time we intended to compare women with contrasting levels of breakup distress. For the results presented in this paper we did not divide the heartbreak group in subgroups based on information obtained at the intake interview.

Inclusion and exclusion criteria

For both the heartbreak group and the relationship group, subjects had to be between the age of 18 and 26 years, right-handed, Western, heterosexual and Dutch speaking. Female subjects could only participate if they used hormonal contraception and were in the continuation phase on the day of the experiment to minimize possible effects of fluctuating sex hormone levels on our outcome measures. To participate in the heartbreak group, subjects had to have a relationship breakup within the preceding six months and a relationship duration of at least six months. To participate in the relationship group, subjects had to have a relationship duration between 6 and 24 months because we intended to include subjects whose relationship has not yet evolved into a companionate stage[ 13 ]. Subjects with a relationship duration shorter than 6 months were excluded due to previous research on increased stress hormone level during these first periods[ 14 ]. For both the heartbreak group and the relationship group, subjects with neurological abnormalities, MRI contraindications such as ferromagnetic metal parts in the body, (suspected) pregnancy and claustrophobia, use of psychotropic medication in the last five years, alcohol and/or drug abuse and physical and/or sexual abuse during the relationship (all self-reported) were not allowed to participate in the study. 71 and 46 subjects were included in the heartbreak group and the relationship group, respectively. After the fMRI scanning session, one subject from the heartbreak group was excluded because of substantial brain ventricle abnormalities.

Questionnaire battery

A self-report questionnaire battery in Dutch was administered to assess psychological and behavioral information of the subjects. Before filling in the questionnaire battery, background information, such as highest completed educational level according to the Dutch educational system and current occupation status, was acquired from the subjects. The heartbreak questionnaire battery consisted of the Major Depression Inventory (MDI) and adjusted versions of the Inventory of Complicated Grief (ICG), Positive and Negative Affect Schedule (PANAS), Perceived Relationship Quality Components Inventory (PRQC), the Hurt-Proneness Scale and the Passionate Love Scale (PLS)[ 13 , 15 – 19 ]. Additionally, in-house designed questions about the breakup were added to the questionnaire battery, covering aspects such as unexpectedness of the breakup and ruminating thoughts about the ex-partner. For each questionnaire, except the in-house designed questionnaire about the breakup, total scores were calculated and used in further analyses. Cronbach’s alpha scores were calculated for each questionnaire (can be found in S1 Table ). The MDI is a 10-item questionnaire to assess symptoms of depression (both core symptoms such as anhedonia and accompanying symptoms such as sleeping difficulties), based on the DSM-IV and ICD-10 diagnostic criteria[ 15 , 20 ]. MDI scores were calculated according to the scoring guidelines for the use of the MDI as a rating scale to measure severity of depression symptoms[ 20 ]. MDI scores theoretically range between 0 and 50. Scores between 0 and 20 indicate absence of clinical depression, scores between 21 and 25 correspond to mild depression, scores between 26 and 30 and scores above 31 indicate respectively moderate and severe depression[ 20 ]. The ICG is used to assess maladaptive grieving after the loss of a loved one[ 16 ]. Similar to the study of Najib et al.[ 5 ], the ICG was adjusted so that it was suitable for heartbreak. Thirteen items were extracted from the original 19-item version, by removing items only applicable to death. ICG scores were calculated by summing the scores of the 13 questions and theoretically range between 13 and 130. The PANAS comprises questions about positive and negative affect, representing current mood[ 17 ]. PANAS scores were calculated for both the positive affect and negative affect part by summing the scores of the 10 questions and theoretically range between 10 and 100[ 17 ]. The PRQC was used to assess self-reported former relationship quality[ 18 ]. In this study a 9-item version of the PRQC was extracted from the original 18-item version. PRQC scores were calculated by summing the scores of the 9 questions and theoretically range between 9 and 90. To what extent the subjects were prone to experience hurt feelings was measured with the Hurt-Proneness Scale[ 19 ]. Hurt proneness scores were calculated by summing the scores of the 6 questions and theoretically range between 6 and 60. Questions 3, 4 and 6 were reversed scored because high scores characterize low hurt proneness. The PLS can be used to assess intensity of romantic love[ 13 ]. A 28-item version of the PLS was extracted from the original 30-item version, by removing two items that are not appropriate for heartbreak. The PLS was filled in exclusively by the subjects who reported to be still in love with their ex-partner at the time of the testing day. PLS scores were not analyzed further. As the PLS was only filled in by the heartbroken subjects who reported to be still in love with their ex-partner, the sample size turned out to be insufficient. All questionnaires, except the MDI, were scored on a 10-point Likert scale, ranging from 1 (‘‘not at all”) to 10 (‘‘extremely”). The MDI was rated on a 6-point Likert scale, ranging from 1 (‘‘not at all”) to 6 (‘‘all the time”). Questions about the relationship breakup were categorical or measured on a 10-point Likert scale. The questionnaire battery of the relationship group consisted of the MDI and adjusted versions of the PANAS, PRQC, Hurt-proneness scale and PLS, similar to the heartbreak group.

Data analysis

Statistical analyses were conducted with IBM SPSS Statistics version 24 for Windows. A Shapiro-Wilk test for normality was used to check if our data were normally distributed. When data distribution was found to be skewed, non-parametric statistical tests were conducted in further analysis steps.

Group-level comparisons

Background information and questionnaire data were compared between the heartbreak group and the relationship group using a Mann-Whitney U test. Concerning the questionnaire battery of the relationship group, only MDI scores are considered in this manuscript, since we aimed to compare severity of depression symptoms between the heartbreak group and the relationship group.

Principal component Analysis-varimax

An exploratory Principal Component Analysis (PCA) followed by varimax rotation was performed to extract components representing heartbreak in a data-driven manner. We intended to focus on subjective measures. Consequently, 19 variables were entered into the analysis; ‘‘unexpectedness breakup”, ‘‘feeling rejected”, ‘‘feeling betrayed”, ‘‘feeling angry”, ‘‘feeling sad”, ‘‘feeling disappointed”, ‘‘feeling independent”, ‘‘feeling alone”, ‘‘feeling relieved”, ‘‘feeling hopeful”, ‘‘ruminating thoughts”, ‘‘intrusive thoughts”, ‘‘affection for ex-partner”, ‘‘in love with ex-partner”, ‘‘ICG”, ‘‘PANAS positive”, ‘‘PANAS negative”, ‘‘PRQC” and ‘‘Hurt proneness”. Subjects with missing data were deleted listwise, resulting in a sample size of 69 for the PCA. Principal components were extracted using the correlation matrix, and rotated with varimax with Kaiser normalization[ 21 ]. Parallel analysis was performed to determine the optimal number of components[ 22 ]. We adapted the online available SPSS script for parallel analysis, written by Brian O’Connor, to our dataset ( https://people.ok.ubc.ca/brioconn/nfactors/nfactors.html ) [ 23 ]. Thousand sets of normally distributed data were randomly generated. For each component an eigenvalue belonging to the original data and an eigenvalue belonging to the 95% confidence interval (CI) of the generated data was computed. Components with an eigenvalue greater than the corresponding eigenvalue derived from random normal data generation were considered as ‘‘components”. Subsequently, a PCA followed by a varimax rotation was performed with a fixed number of components to extract, based on the results of the parallel analysis. The outcome of this combined PCA and varimax rotation, a component matrix, was used in the subsequent analyses.

Procrustes bootstrapping

A Procrustes bootstrapping PCA was performed to select the component loadings to be interpreted further. Thousand samples of component matrices were generated by resampling with replacement. To this end, we adjusted the online available SPSS script for component analysis with Procrustes bootstrapping from Linda Reichwein Zientek and Bruce Thompson[ 24 ]. Note that, just like the original PCA-varimax, components were not normalized row wise. Bootstrapping results were rotated towards a target matrix. The target matrix was constructed by binarizing the component matrix retaining the sign. Variables were assigned 1 or -1 for the component they loaded strongest on and 0 elsewhere. 95% CIs were calculated for each variable across the thousand bootstrap resamples.

Interpretation components

Only variables with a 95% CI that does not cross zero were interpreted further. Labels were assigned to each component based on the component loadings acquired with the original PCA-varimax.

Component scores analysis

For each subject, component scores were computed using regression. A Spearman rank test was conducted to see how well the component scores correlate with MDI scores. A Spearman rank test was used to assess the correlation between the component scores, time since breakup and relationship duration. Component scores were compared between men and women with an independent samples t-test. Additionally, Spearman rank correlations between the component scores and MDI scores were calculated for men and women separately.

For all conducted statistical tests, results were considered significant at p -value < .05 (uncorrected), two-tailed.

Study population

The relationship group consisted of 23 men and 23 women with a relationship duration between 6 and 24 months ( Mdn = 13.00, IQR = 9.00–19.00). Age ranged between 18 and 26 years ( Mdn = 21.00, IQR = 20.00–23.00). The heartbreak group consisted of 33 men and 38 women. Age ranged between 18 and 25 years ( Mdn = 22.00, IQR = 21.00–24.00). Relationship duration prior to the breakup ranged between 6 and 81 months ( Mdn = 20.00, IQR = 13.00–37.00). Time since breakup ranged between 0 and 5 months ( Mdn = 2.00, IQR = 1.00–4.00). In 42.3% of the subjects, the ex-partner decided to break up, whereas in 35.2% the breakup was initiated by the subject and in 22.5% the subject and ex-partner decided together. 70.4% of the subjects reported to still be in touch with their ex-partner. Five subjects (7.0%) reported to have found a new romantic partner. 70.4% reported to still think about their ex-partner on a daily basis and 25.4% experienced physical complaints after the breakup. The heartbreak group was significantly older than the relationship group ( U = 1241.00, Z = -2.21, p = .027, r = -.20). Additional background information of our study population can be found in S2 Table .

Severity of depression symptoms

Fig 1 shows the severity of depression symptoms for the relationship group and the heartbreak group. MDI total scores ranged between 2 and 22 ( Mdn = 7.00, IQR = 4.75–10.25) in the relationship group. 97.8% were found to have a MDI score below 21, corresponding to an absence of depression. 2.2% had depression symptoms corresponding to mild depression. MDI scores ranged between 1 and 45 ( Mdn = 9.00, IQR = 7.00–21.00) in the heartbreak group. 12.7% reported depression symptoms corresponding to mild depression. 1.4% and 12.7% reported symptoms corresponding to respectively moderate and severe depression. In total, 26.8% reported symptoms corresponding to mild, moderate or severe depression. MDI total scores were higher in the heartbreak group compared to the relationship group ( U = 1042.00, Z = -3.31, p = .001, r = -.31). No gender differences were found ( U = 213.50, Z = -1.13, p = .260, r = -.17) between the males ( Mdn = 6.00, IQR = 4.00–8.00) and females ( Mdn = 7.00, IQR = 5.00–14.00) in the relationship group. MDI scores differed ( U = 380.00, Z = -2.85, p = .004, r = -.34) between heartbroken males ( Mdn = 7.00, IQR = 4.50–14.00) and heartbroken females ( Mdn = 15.50, IQR = 7.75–25.00). S3 Table shows the median and interquartile range for the individual items for the two groups. With regard to the core symptoms of depression, the heartbreak group scored higher on the item ‘‘feeling sad or low in spirits” and the item ‘‘loss of interest in daily activities” ( p = .001 and p = .013), while the item ‘‘lack of energy and strength” did not differ between the two groups ( p = .218). Concerning the accompanying symptoms of depression, the items ‘‘feeling less self-confident”, ‘‘the feeling that life was not worth living”, ‘‘concentration difficulties”, ‘‘feeling restless/listless” and ‘‘sleeping difficulties” differed significantly between the two groups (all higher in the heartbreak group, p = .019, p = .002, p = .019, p < .001, and p = .004, respectively). No differences were found regarding the items ‘‘feelings of guilt” and ‘‘decreased/increased appetite” ( p = .112 and p = .151).

Outliers (values that are between Q1-1.5*IQR or Q3+1.5*IQR and Q1-3*IQR or Q3+3*IQR) are indicated with a circle. Extreme outliers (values that are beyond Q1-3*IQR or Q3+3*IQR) are indicated with a star.

Characterization of heartbreak

To characterize the heartbreak group, a PCA-varimax was performed on the questionnaire battery. Subsequently, the relation with the depression scores was investigated.

Components extraction

Parallel analysis revealed two components with corresponding eigenvalues greater than the concomitant eigenvalue calculated for a random dataset, explaining respectively 45.8% and 13.8% of the variance.

Component loadings and interpretation

Table 1 shows the component loadings for the included variables for the two components. Additionally, the 95% CIs of the component loadings are shown. Given that the variables ‘‘feeling betrayed”, ‘‘feeling rejected”, ‘‘feeling angry”, ‘‘unexpectedness breakup” and ‘‘ICG” load highly on component 1 (95% CI does not straddle zero), this component was interpreted as ‘‘sudden loss”. The variables ‘‘feeling hopeful” and ‘‘PANAS positive” load strongest (inversely) on component 2 and have 95% CIs that do not contain zero. Therefore, this component was interpreted as ‘‘lack of positive affect”.

Association between the components and time since breakup and relationship duration

No significant correlation between time since breakup and each of the two components was found (‘‘sudden loss”: r s = .06, p = .600, “lack of positive affect”: r s = -.22, p = .071). Relationship duration correlated significantly with the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component ( r s = .25, p = .039) and did not correlate significantly with the ‘‘sudden loss” component ( r s = -.07, p = .559).

Association between the components and depression scores

Positive correlations between the component scores belonging to the two extracted components and depression scores were prevalent ( r s = .57, p < .001 and r s = .49, p < .001 for the ‘‘sudden loss” component and the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component, respectively). The scatterplot between the ‘‘sudden loss” component and MDI and between the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component and MDI are shown in Fig 2A and Fig 2B , respectively.

(A) Relationship between the ‘‘sudden loss” component and MDI. (B) Relationship between the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component and MDI.

Gender effects components

Gender differences with regard to the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component were found: heartbroken females had higher component scores ( t (67) = 2.95, p = .004, r = .34). Component scores belonging to the ‘‘sudden loss” component did not differ between the genders ( t (67) = .88, p = .385, r = .11). MDI scores correlated positively with both components (see above). However, the MDI score showed a gender effect as well (see above). Therefore, correlations between MDI scores and each of the two components were examined for men and women separately. For heartbroken females, highly significant correlations were found for both ‘‘sudden loss” and ‘‘lack of positive affect” ( r s = .57, p < .001 and r s = .70, p < .001 respectively). Heartbroken males showed a partially different result: a significant correlation between MDI scores and the ‘‘sudden loss” component was prevalent ( r s = .55, p = .001). In contrast, the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component did not correlate significantly with MDI scores ( r s = -.01, p = .951).

In the present study, we primarily aimed to investigate: 1) whether individuals with a recent romantic relationship breakup demonstrate symptoms of depression, 2) how to describe heartbreak characteristics based on data from a comprehensive questionnaire battery, and 3) whether this description can capture severity of depression symptoms. Secondary, we were interested in gender differences with regard to the above study objectives.

In accordance with our expectations, severity of depression symptoms was found to be higher in the heartbreak group compared to the reference group, i.e. subjects in a romantic relationship. MDI total scores as well as individual items, including core symptoms of depression, were elevated. However, median MDI scores of the heartbreak group fell within the range of absence of depression as defined by Bech et al.[ 20 ]. Nonetheless, 26.8% and 14.1% of the heartbroken subjects reported severity of depression symptoms corresponding to respectively mild to severe depression and moderate to severe depression. In contrast, only one subject reported symptoms corresponding to (mild) depression in the relationship group. In a study by Forsell et al.[ 25 ], a mean MDI score of 8.8 (95% CI 8.6–9.0) was found in a large sample of men and women drawn from the general population. Note that even in this general population, 8.0% reported symptoms corresponding to moderate or severe depression[ 25 ] (compared to the 14.1% found in this study). Thus, we consider the heartbreak group as a good population to study a depression-like state in otherwise healthy individuals.

We described heartbreak by two principal components. Feelings of betray, rejection and anger, unexpectedness of the breakup and symptoms of complicated grief contributed substantially to the first component that was therefore interpreted as ‘‘sudden loss”. Feeling hopeful after the breakup and current positive affect (i.e. the ability to experience positive emotions) contributed largely (inversely) to the second component that was consequently interpreted as ‘‘lack of positive affect”. The finding that the feeling of being betrayed is an important parameter of heartbreak is consistent with the study of Field et al.[ 3 ]. Moreover, our findings show similarities with a retrospective study concerning emotions following a relationship dissolution by Barbara and Dion[ 26 ]. In that study, a component labeled as ‘‘negative emotions” was extracted and rejection and anger were found to be important variables for that specific component[ 26 ]. This is in accordance with the high loadings of the variables ‘‘feeling rejected” and ‘‘feeling angry” on the ‘‘sudden loss” component as found in our study.

Within the heartbreak group, both components correlated highly with depression scores. The ‘‘lack of positive affect” component is primarily defined by positive affect scores, as measured with the PANAS. This is in accordance with a study by Crawford and Henry[ 27 ] in which positive affect was found to be specifically related to depression scores in a large sample of men and women drawn from the general population. The ‘‘sudden loss” component also correlated highly with depression scores. This is consistent with literature regarding grief. For example, Keyes et al.[ 28 ] found associations between the experience of an unexpected death of a loved one and prevalence of psychiatric problems including clinical depression.

As expected, heartbroken females reported higher depression scores than heartbroken males in our study. This cannot be explained by general gender differences, given that the depression scores of the men and women of the relationship group did not differ, and therefore seems to be breakup-related. Among the heartbroken males examined separately, no association between the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component and severity of depression symptoms was found. Additionally, women had higher scores on the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component than men. Tentatively, these findings suggest that men are less likely to demonstrate and/or report reduced abilities experiencing positive emotions during a period of stress than women and this possibly relates to the well-known differential depression rates among the genders.

Limitations

By conducting the present study, detailed knowledge about behavioral and psychological consequences of a recent romantic relationship breakup and its association with symptoms of depression was acquired. A potential weakness of our study is that differences in recruitment strategy and pre-selection prior to inclusion between the genders could have influenced our findings. This makes it difficult to draw strong conclusions about effects of gender. Nevertheless, gender-specific application rates can be considered a finding as well in our opinion. Another possible weakness is that already having a new romantic partner was not an exclusion criterion in our study and in our sample five of the 71 subjects reported to have found a new partner on the day of the experiment. One could argue that this will reduce sadness and mood problems associated with a breakup. However, excluding those subjects from our dataset did not change either group-level differences regarding depression scores or the strength of the correlation between the components and depression scores noticeably (data can be found in S1 Appendix ). Therefore, possible effects of having a new romantic partner on our results were considered minimal. Perhaps, finding a new partner cannot diminish breakup-related effects within this limited period of time.

Conclusions

In the present study, we investigated whether the breakup of a romantic relationship can be used as an experimental model to study a depression-like state. We demonstrated an increased range of depression scores among our sample of individuals who recently have experienced a relationship breakup. Furthermore, our results show that the effects of experiencing a relationship breakup can be captured with two descriptors: “sudden loss” and “lack of positive affect”. Both were associated with (severity of) depression (-like) symptoms. Nota bene, this association was gender-dependent. Therefore, we propose that this life-event is a viable experimental model to investigate symptoms of depression in individuals without a psychiatric disorder. This paves the way to investigate the involvement of stress in the transition from healthy-to depressive behavior. Consequently, further longitudinal research using this model could provide new insights into individual-specific coping and vulnerability factors contributing to the development of depression symptoms during a period of stress.

Supporting information

Values are shown as percentage or median (Q1-Q3) for respectively categorical variables and numerical variables.

Values are shown as median (Q1-Q3).

S1 Appendix

Acknowledgments.

The authors would like to thank the undergraduate students who contributed to the design of the study, recruitment of subjects and data collection (Els van der Meijden, Antina de Boer, Femke van der Velde, Lisa Brouwer, Dafne Piersma, Floor Rodijk, Renske Lok, Kenney Roodakker and Thom Steenhuis). In addition, the authors would like to thank Dr. Marie-José van Tol and Sonsoles Alonso Martinez, MSc for contributing to the interpretation of the results.

Funding Statement

The study was funded by a donation of Mr Hazewinkel to the Research School of Behavioural and Cognitive Neurosciences and Prof G.J. ter Horst. Mr Hazewinkel had no role in study design, data collection and analysis, decision to publish, or preparation of the manuscript.

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Coping with an Emotional Breakup

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Break up of a Relationship Essay

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A marriage is defined as a legal contract or a social union between persons who gives rise to families or relationships. It is also an association where sexual and intimate affairs are accepted in various ways; depending on the cultures, it is found. People marry for a number of reasons, which may include social and emotional.

They might also include arranged marriages, libidinal or a forced into the marriage through forced marriages. Marriage usually creates legal commitments between the people involved. In some cultures, marriages can be broken or ended through divorce.

To the state and to an extent the religious group a marriage is a contract. In different societies, the governing authorities hold civil marriage as the official or legal concept of marriages. This is regardless of what the religious authorities or personal prejudices may be.

What are the particular issues related to marriage and the dynamics associated with it?

Marriages like any other type of relationship be it friendship or work faces many problems. Some of these problems might be minor but at times, the problems become a major source of stress, which may lead to dire consequences such as divorce. Problems that face many marriages include but are not limited to money, children, daily stress, poor communication, bad habits, blended family issues, affairs and many more.

Fighting and stress brought about by money has been cited as the most common source of conflict in marriage. A fight over money is symbolic and represents power struggles in the family or difference in values that each couple holds.

In hard economic times, issues about money become a source of stress and may sometimes manifest itself in general stress. For example if one of the couple is stressed about money, the person becomes easily agitated and generally more stressed. The person may start picking fights with their partner about trivial things and may at times not even realize it.

The lack or presence of children in marriage has been attributed to some extent causing marital problems. In some cultures, having children is the primary driving force in marriage.

In this situations lack of children becomes a major source of stress in the relationship and this mostly affects the person seen or is suspected as the reason. Children bring joy and are a gift to married couples. They, however, can be a source and ground for many disagreements between married couples.

Caring for children asks for more responsibility and at the same time brings about changes in roles, which may place couples at opposing sides creating disagreements. Caring for the children also demands a lot of time and this consequently reduces amount of time spent by couples. This reduction in intimate time between couples strains the relationship and can cause resentment between them.

Stress from everyday chores or work may also wear down relationships. This in marriages may just like financial stress leads to arguments between couples testing their patience and optimism.

This usually leaves the couple with little to give to one another emotionally leading to resentment building up. Careers that demand lot of time from persons also leaves individuals worn out and trickles down to their marriage leading to conflicts. If couples do not work together and agree on each other responsibilities may find this straining their marriage.

Every relationship with time disintegrates if there is no good communication. Poor communication is a major cause of failing marriages and this finds its way to any other form of arguments that occur in marriage.

Poor communication leads to misunderstandings within the marriage causing both spouses to resent each other. Individuals in the marriage start to feel unappreciated unloved and get provoked easily by the other party.

Another cause of marriage failure is extramarital affairs by one or both of the couples. When one spouse is found or admits to having an affair, it strains the marriage. One or both the couple feel betrayed, hurt, and at time are filled with hatred. In most of these cases the person who feels betrayed opts out of the marriage though at times the couple can seek professional help from a counselor.

Discuss how the breakup of a relationship or a divorce affects the people involved.

Sometimes marriages fail to work and the best option left to the individuals is divorce. However, some of the reasons that may lead to divorce can be sorted out through counseling others are dire and divorce is the only answer.

Divorce adversely affects the people involved especially the couple and their children. Divorce is a life-changing event for the persons involved. It becomes a major source of stress and a life transition for both the children and parents.

Divorce marks a new beginning to the people involved. Many societies today have accepted and at times embrace divorce as a solution to bad marriage yet divorce, though amicable tends to tear apart the basic unit of a society. Those in strained marriages, unfulfilling marriages, mostly will not stay for the sake of the children; rather will abandon the marriage instead of working on the marriage.

The emotional stress associated with divorce takes many years to overcome. New adjustments to the new status have to be made and this may causes a crisis in one’s life. Some people adjust quickly to the new life while others simply do not. During this time a lot of changes occurs and change at this time become a way of life. Mostly, roles, economic classes, residence, sexual habits, personal behavior, and at times careers change.

Divorce leaves the lives of everyone involved affected either socially, psychologically or economically and these changes interrupt development and growth of both parent and children. While most will come out of divorce surviving major problems, every person’s life experiences setbacks. A study concluded that though this type of life change in a person may be used to foster further development and growth it should be viewed also as a life change that has the potential of leading a person’s life to regression and disorganization.

As seen divorce affects every person in the family, but it does this differently to adults and children. Effects of divorce on adults differ from each person to the next. Stress caused by divorce causes the immune system of a person to weaken. Newly divorced persons suffer from both psychological and physical problems.

The newly divorced have to deal with feelings as failures as this sometimes might lead to depression and committing suicide. In relation to married people, divorced people show higher rates of stress and depression related illnesses. Depression, which may lead to suicide, is the most serious problem facing divorced adults.

After a divorce, the individual feels lost through the changes happening in their lives. Some feel a loss of identity having had their former marriage define who they are. When people divorce, they do so to end conflicts in their marriage, but usually it does not end here. This is seen in the many post divorce litigation, which takes place at times for years. One of the divorcees who feels raged usually seeks revenge does this.

Divorce is usually costly and brings about a financial crisis to both or one of the adults. The high divorce legal fees demanded by lawyers and having the assets split bring this financial crisis. The variance in finances results in increase of stress, which can make the divorcees irritable. Due to the stress caused by divorce, a person’s job performance reduces.

Time taken to attend court proceedings, personal counseling, and illnesses related to stress can have a negative impact on a person’s job performance. This inability to work or reduced performance may lead to a person being dismissed or demoted. Divorce thus does not only affect the divorce but can be seen to affect the employer when he loses money in lost productivity.

Divorce affects also the larger families who have created longtime relations. It affects parents, aunties, uncles, grandparents, and other extended family members. These people find themselves in awkward situations not knowing who to support. Also relations forged with in-laws are severed badly even despite having been close to each other.

Adult’s relationships with their offspring suffer as their (children) is divided between the two parents. Special occasions such as birthdays and holidays become reason for fight between the parents rather than celebrations.

Divorce also not only lead to changes in the relationships within the larger family, their social networks also changes dramatically and the divorcing couples become alienated from mutual friends. Often both the wife and husband will lose the support systems of their friends they need to cope with the new challenges.

As much as the society accepts divorce in the society, many people are mostly find themselves at cross roads when their friends divorce and do not know how to handle it.

When parents divorce, the children are also affected. The children are profoundly affected and for long. Although these children might grow up to be better than children from intact families the divorce affects them for the rest of their lives. Once the divorce process is done, children must become accustomed to new surroundings and relationships.

This have to do mostly on their own as the parents are often busy trying to rebuild their own lives. This period presents a major challenge to their growth and development as they lack nurturing and guidance of their parents.

Children whose parents have divorced suffer from loss in different ways; physical separation from one parent, loss of a home they knew and at times separation from other siblings. Though it is proclaimed that one parent can raise the children as well as both, the reality is the children no one parent can replace the role of the other.

An example a mother can do many things a father, can but she can never replace the children’s father. Children are likely to experience increased levels of stress and often become anxious and depressed which may lead to antisocial behavior (Cherlin 124).

The children have trouble in relating with their parents, siblings, and teachers. Adolescent girls from divorced families are prone to engaging in sex while they are younger than those from intact families. They are also likely to engage with multiple sexual partners. In comparison to children from intact families, these children are more likely to drop out if school and exhibit delinquent behavior.

These new circumstances robs of the children off their childhood as at times they have to cater for themselves and their younger siblings as the parents try to meet financial challenges that face them. When left alone these children are at greater risks of connecting with predators and face the risk of abuse than those living with both their parents. These children may face abuse from their stepfathers, mothers, and siblings if their parents decide to remarry.

After divorce, the children are faced by many challenges, as they have to contend with confusion and change that continues all through their lives. The child now finds himself or herself pulled into two different worlds. They become both insiders and outsider of their parent’s worlds and are forced to adapt to these changes.

They are torn between their parents and are at times placed at awkward situations when they have to choose between their parents. Sometimes the children are merely used as pawns in the fight between their parents. This affects them as the fight involves two people they care and love.

Is it possible to have a “good” divorce? What would that good divorce look like?

Divorce is frowned upon in many societies and is viewed as socially undesirable. When the word divorce is mentioned most people tend to think of the long litigation period marked by insults, hatred and resentments.

For these people divorce is a failure as none of them is free of the other and is actively involved in each other’s life but in a destructive way. This raises the question of whether there really exists a “good “divorce.

Just like there exist bad divorce that is characterized by bad things and mutual self defeat, there also exists “good” or successful divorce in which the couple has agreed on the most contentious issues leaving both parties and children in a position to adapt well in the new life.

Key to understanding good divorce is in understanding that most divorces are resolved amicably through a settlement agreement. The divorce agreement also known as the settlement agreement is taken as the marriage final task.

This agreement solves all economic issues between the parties by describing the rights and responsibilities of each parent. This agreement gives a guideline of how property will be shared, child support, and at times spousal support. If all parties agree upon the settlement agreement, it becomes the blueprint of the family’s future.

A good divorce offers emotional closure for both parties meaning that both have disengaged from the marriage and conflict. Each of the partners has the strength to move on and foster new relationships if they want. A good divorce also entails each partner feeling a sense of economic justice and none feels victimized by the other.

A good divorce should offer the family both parent and children a chance to develop and accept the new status. This shows that when informed and willing couples can work through their divorce in an amicable and fair way with neither of them resenting each other.

Works Cited

Cherlin, Andrew J. Public and Private Families: An Introduction . Boston: McGraw-Hill, 2010.

• Causes of Divorce in America
• Quantitative and Qualitative Research: Characteristics and Comparison
• Divorce and Its Effects on Women
• Women and Divorce in China
• How Divorce and Single Parenting Affects Children
• Five Viewpoints on Human Nature
• Pre Marriage Counseling: One Year Before Getting Married
• Social Welfare Influences
• The Role of Social Initiatives in the Alleviating Social Problems in Society
• Social Work as a Profession
• Chicago (A-D)
• Chicago (N-B)

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Research Article

Romantic relationship breakup: An experimental model to study effects of stress on depression (-like) symptoms

Roles Conceptualization, Formal analysis, Writing – original draft

* E-mail: [email protected]

Affiliation University of Groningen, University Medical Center Groningen, Department of Biomedical Sciences of Cells & Systems, Cognitive Neuroscience Center, Groningen, the Netherlands

Roles Conceptualization, Investigation, Methodology, Writing – review & editing

Roles Conceptualization, Funding acquisition, Investigation, Methodology, Writing – review & editing

• Anne M. Verhallen, 
• Remco J. Renken, 
• Jan-Bernard C. Marsman, 
• Gert J. ter Horst

• Published: May 31, 2019
• https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320
• Reader Comments

The occurrence of a stressful event is considered to increase the risk of developing depression. In the present study we explore whether the breakup of a romantic relationship can be used as an experimental model to study a depression-like state during a period of stress in individuals without a psychiatric disorder. The primary aim of our study was to investigate: 1) whether individuals with a recent romantic relationship breakup (‘‘heartbreak”) demonstrate symptoms of depression, 2) how to describe heartbreak characteristics based on data from a comprehensive questionnaire battery, and 3) whether this description can capture severity of depression symptoms. Secondary, we were interested in gender differences with regard to the above study objectives. Subjects who have experienced a relationship breakup in the preceding six months ( N = 71) or are in a romantic relationship ( N = 46) participated in our study. A questionnaire battery was administered to acquire information related to depression, mood, the breakup and (former) relationship. Principal Component Analysis with Procrustes bootstrapping was performed to extract components from the questionnaire data. Even though our sample of individuals who recently have experienced a relationship breakup can be on average considered non-depressed, group-level depression scores were elevated compared to individuals in a relationship ( p = .001) and 26.8% reported symptoms corresponding to mild, moderate or severe depression. We described heartbreak by two principal components interpreted as ‘‘sudden loss” and ‘‘lack of positive affect”, respectively. Highly significant correlations between the component scores and depression scores were found ( p < .001 and p < .001, respectively), although these correlations differed between the genders. Based on these findings, we propose that the experience of a romantic relationship breakup is a viable experimental model to examine symptoms of depression in individuals without a psychiatric disorder. This way, stress-related coping and depression vulnerability can be studied in further research.

Citation: Verhallen AM, Renken RJ, Marsman J-BC, ter Horst GJ (2019) Romantic relationship breakup: An experimental model to study effects of stress on depression (-like) symptoms. PLoS ONE 14(5): e0217320. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320

Editor: Angel Blanch, University of Lleida, SPAIN

Received: February 18, 2019; Accepted: May 8, 2019; Published: May 31, 2019

Copyright: © 2019 Verhallen et al. This is an open access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License , which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original author and source are credited.

Data Availability: The data will not be stored at a public repository due to restrictions from the informed consent (subjects have not given consent to have their data publicly stored) and European data privacy regulations (GDPR). The data are available on request. A data access committee has been put in place, consisting of Prof G.J. ter Horst (Principal Investigator of the study), J.B.C. Marsman and Prof A. Aleman (head of the Cognitive Neuroscience Center), who will review requests and assure accessibility of the data. This access committee can be reached via [email protected] .

Funding: The study was funded by a donation of Mr Hazewinkel to the Research School of Behavioural and Cognitive Neurosciences and Prof G.J. ter Horst. Mr Hazewinkel had no role in study design, data collection and analysis, decision to publish, or preparation of the manuscript.

Competing interests: The authors have declared that no competing interests exist.

Introduction

Stressful life-events are considered to be risk factors for the development of depression[ 1 ]. Kendler et al.[ 2 ] investigated the interplay between stressful events, genetic predisposition and depression among female twins and found that both heredity and occurrence of stressful events contributed to the onset of depressive episodes independently. Especially events with a high impact, such as death of a close family member and divorce, elevated the probability of developing a depressive episode[ 2 ], although the majority of people do not develop a depressive episode following the experience of an upsetting event. Hence, research focusing on stressful and emotionally upsetting events can give valuable insights into individual differences regarding stress-related coping and the link between stress and depression.

In this study we set out to investigate mood and depression symptoms during a period of stress in a population without a psychiatric disorder. More precisely, we explore whether the breakup of a romantic relationship can be used as an experimental model to study a depression-like state. Previous research already showed that the breakup of a romantic relationship can be seen as an emotionally upsetting event that can lead to multiple symptoms related to sadness, grief and depression and even can result in an increased risk of developing a depressive episode[ 3 – 6 ]. In a university student sample, severe breakup distress, measured with a questionnaire concerning symptoms of grief, was accompanied by feelings of betray and rejection, depression symptoms, anxiety symptoms, intrusive thoughts about the ex-partner and sleep disturbances[ 3 ]. The elapsed time since the breakup, self-reported quality of the former relationship, feelings of betray and depression scores especially predicted the severity of breakup distress[ 3 ]. Additionally, women reported higher breakup distress scores compared to men in that study[ 3 ]. In a study of Stoessel et al.[ 4 ], all of the subjects with a relationship breakup in the preceding six months and experiencing feelings of sadness about the breakup reported symptoms corresponding to clinical depression. In women with a breakup in the preceding four months, high levels of complicated grief (extreme symptoms of grief interfering with daily life functioning) were present in four of the eight subjects. In addition, a different brain pattern (increased activity in posterior regions such as the cerebellum and decreased activity in anterior regions such as the insula and temporal cortex) was found in these women when ruminating about their ex-partner in comparison with thinking about an acquaintance in a neutral manner[ 5 ]. Moreover, epidemiological data indicated an association between the occurrence of a romantic relationship breakup and first onset of major depression in a young population[ 6 ].

As it is known that the prevalence of depression is higher in women, we were also interested in differences in depression (-like) symptoms between the genders in our study. For example, data from a United States survey revealed a 1.7 times higher lifetime prevalence of depressive episodes among women[ 7 ]. Differences in stress sensitivity between the genders could play a role, as stress paradigms in rodents elucidated different stress responses between males and females[ 8 , 9 ]. Moreover, gender differences with regard to rumination might be involved. It is known that women tend to ruminate more during periods of stress[ 10 ]. A ruminative coping strategy was associated with both anxiety and depression symptoms and correlated significantly with occurrence of new depressive episodes in patients with major depressive disorder[ 11 ]. In addition, experiencing ruminating thoughts about the loss during grief was found to be related to maladaptive grieving and the development of symptoms of depression[ 12 ].

In the present study, we primarily aimed to investigate: 1) whether individuals with a recent romantic relationship breakup (‘‘heartbreak”) demonstrate symptoms of depression, 2) how to describe heartbreak characteristics based on data from a comprehensive questionnaire battery, and 3) whether this description can capture severity of depression symptoms. Secondary, we were interested in gender differences with regard to the above study objectives. To this end, young men and women, either with a recent romantic relationship breakup (the ‘‘heartbreak group”) or in a romantic relationship (the ‘‘relationship group”) participated. The relationship group was included in the study as a reference group with absence of stress resulting from a romantic relationship breakup. We expected a higher severity of depression symptoms in the heartbreak group compared to the relationship group. Given that women are more at risk for developing depression in the general population, we expected a higher severity of depression symptoms among the women in the heartbreak group than the men in the heartbreak group.

Materials and methods

Experimental design.

Subjects were invited to our laboratory to participate in the study between 2011 and 2013. The experiment comprised a self-report questionnaire battery and fMRI paradigm with a cross-sectional design. fMRI results will be reported elsewhere. Before the start of the study, written informed consent was obtained from every subject. Study procedures were approved by the Medical Ethical Committee of the University Medical Center Groningen and conducted in accordance with the principles of the Declaration of Helsinki. Subjects received a financial compensation for their participation.

Recruitment strategy

Subjects were recruited by distributing posters around faculty buildings of the University of Groningen and promoting the study using (social) media. Women of the heartbreak group (‘‘heartbroken females”) were recruited using recruitment material with terminology implying that subjects have to suffer from breakup distress to participate. With this recruitment strategy it was not possible to include a sufficient number of male subjects. Therefore, a subsample of the men of the heartbreak group (‘‘heartbroken males”) was recruited using recruitment material referring to the experience of a relationship breakup instead of suffering from breakup distress. Potential subjects could send an email to show their interest in the study and exchange contact information. A telephone intake interview was planned to explain study procedures and check inclusion and exclusion criteria. Additionally, subjects received written information. During the first stage of the study, heartbroken females were pre-selected at the intake interview based on their self-report level of sadness about the breakup on a scale from 1 to 10, because at that time we intended to compare women with contrasting levels of breakup distress. For the results presented in this paper we did not divide the heartbreak group in subgroups based on information obtained at the intake interview.

Inclusion and exclusion criteria

For both the heartbreak group and the relationship group, subjects had to be between the age of 18 and 26 years, right-handed, Western, heterosexual and Dutch speaking. Female subjects could only participate if they used hormonal contraception and were in the continuation phase on the day of the experiment to minimize possible effects of fluctuating sex hormone levels on our outcome measures. To participate in the heartbreak group, subjects had to have a relationship breakup within the preceding six months and a relationship duration of at least six months. To participate in the relationship group, subjects had to have a relationship duration between 6 and 24 months because we intended to include subjects whose relationship has not yet evolved into a companionate stage[ 13 ]. Subjects with a relationship duration shorter than 6 months were excluded due to previous research on increased stress hormone level during these first periods[ 14 ]. For both the heartbreak group and the relationship group, subjects with neurological abnormalities, MRI contraindications such as ferromagnetic metal parts in the body, (suspected) pregnancy and claustrophobia, use of psychotropic medication in the last five years, alcohol and/or drug abuse and physical and/or sexual abuse during the relationship (all self-reported) were not allowed to participate in the study. 71 and 46 subjects were included in the heartbreak group and the relationship group, respectively. After the fMRI scanning session, one subject from the heartbreak group was excluded because of substantial brain ventricle abnormalities.

Questionnaire battery

A self-report questionnaire battery in Dutch was administered to assess psychological and behavioral information of the subjects. Before filling in the questionnaire battery, background information, such as highest completed educational level according to the Dutch educational system and current occupation status, was acquired from the subjects. The heartbreak questionnaire battery consisted of the Major Depression Inventory (MDI) and adjusted versions of the Inventory of Complicated Grief (ICG), Positive and Negative Affect Schedule (PANAS), Perceived Relationship Quality Components Inventory (PRQC), the Hurt-Proneness Scale and the Passionate Love Scale (PLS)[ 13 , 15 – 19 ]. Additionally, in-house designed questions about the breakup were added to the questionnaire battery, covering aspects such as unexpectedness of the breakup and ruminating thoughts about the ex-partner. For each questionnaire, except the in-house designed questionnaire about the breakup, total scores were calculated and used in further analyses. Cronbach’s alpha scores were calculated for each questionnaire (can be found in S1 Table ). The MDI is a 10-item questionnaire to assess symptoms of depression (both core symptoms such as anhedonia and accompanying symptoms such as sleeping difficulties), based on the DSM-IV and ICD-10 diagnostic criteria[ 15 , 20 ]. MDI scores were calculated according to the scoring guidelines for the use of the MDI as a rating scale to measure severity of depression symptoms[ 20 ]. MDI scores theoretically range between 0 and 50. Scores between 0 and 20 indicate absence of clinical depression, scores between 21 and 25 correspond to mild depression, scores between 26 and 30 and scores above 31 indicate respectively moderate and severe depression[ 20 ]. The ICG is used to assess maladaptive grieving after the loss of a loved one[ 16 ]. Similar to the study of Najib et al.[ 5 ], the ICG was adjusted so that it was suitable for heartbreak. Thirteen items were extracted from the original 19-item version, by removing items only applicable to death. ICG scores were calculated by summing the scores of the 13 questions and theoretically range between 13 and 130. The PANAS comprises questions about positive and negative affect, representing current mood[ 17 ]. PANAS scores were calculated for both the positive affect and negative affect part by summing the scores of the 10 questions and theoretically range between 10 and 100[ 17 ]. The PRQC was used to assess self-reported former relationship quality[ 18 ]. In this study a 9-item version of the PRQC was extracted from the original 18-item version. PRQC scores were calculated by summing the scores of the 9 questions and theoretically range between 9 and 90. To what extent the subjects were prone to experience hurt feelings was measured with the Hurt-Proneness Scale[ 19 ]. Hurt proneness scores were calculated by summing the scores of the 6 questions and theoretically range between 6 and 60. Questions 3, 4 and 6 were reversed scored because high scores characterize low hurt proneness. The PLS can be used to assess intensity of romantic love[ 13 ]. A 28-item version of the PLS was extracted from the original 30-item version, by removing two items that are not appropriate for heartbreak. The PLS was filled in exclusively by the subjects who reported to be still in love with their ex-partner at the time of the testing day. PLS scores were not analyzed further. As the PLS was only filled in by the heartbroken subjects who reported to be still in love with their ex-partner, the sample size turned out to be insufficient. All questionnaires, except the MDI, were scored on a 10-point Likert scale, ranging from 1 (‘‘not at all”) to 10 (‘‘extremely”). The MDI was rated on a 6-point Likert scale, ranging from 1 (‘‘not at all”) to 6 (‘‘all the time”). Questions about the relationship breakup were categorical or measured on a 10-point Likert scale. The questionnaire battery of the relationship group consisted of the MDI and adjusted versions of the PANAS, PRQC, Hurt-proneness scale and PLS, similar to the heartbreak group.

Data analysis

Statistical analyses were conducted with IBM SPSS Statistics version 24 for Windows. A Shapiro-Wilk test for normality was used to check if our data were normally distributed. When data distribution was found to be skewed, non-parametric statistical tests were conducted in further analysis steps.

Group-level comparisons

Background information and questionnaire data were compared between the heartbreak group and the relationship group using a Mann-Whitney U test. Concerning the questionnaire battery of the relationship group, only MDI scores are considered in this manuscript, since we aimed to compare severity of depression symptoms between the heartbreak group and the relationship group.

Principal component Analysis-varimax

An exploratory Principal Component Analysis (PCA) followed by varimax rotation was performed to extract components representing heartbreak in a data-driven manner. We intended to focus on subjective measures. Consequently, 19 variables were entered into the analysis; ‘‘unexpectedness breakup”, ‘‘feeling rejected”, ‘‘feeling betrayed”, ‘‘feeling angry”, ‘‘feeling sad”, ‘‘feeling disappointed”, ‘‘feeling independent”, ‘‘feeling alone”, ‘‘feeling relieved”, ‘‘feeling hopeful”, ‘‘ruminating thoughts”, ‘‘intrusive thoughts”, ‘‘affection for ex-partner”, ‘‘in love with ex-partner”, ‘‘ICG”, ‘‘PANAS positive”, ‘‘PANAS negative”, ‘‘PRQC” and ‘‘Hurt proneness”. Subjects with missing data were deleted listwise, resulting in a sample size of 69 for the PCA. Principal components were extracted using the correlation matrix, and rotated with varimax with Kaiser normalization[ 21 ]. Parallel analysis was performed to determine the optimal number of components[ 22 ]. We adapted the online available SPSS script for parallel analysis, written by Brian O’Connor, to our dataset ( https://people.ok.ubc.ca/brioconn/nfactors/nfactors.html ) [ 23 ]. Thousand sets of normally distributed data were randomly generated. For each component an eigenvalue belonging to the original data and an eigenvalue belonging to the 95% confidence interval (CI) of the generated data was computed. Components with an eigenvalue greater than the corresponding eigenvalue derived from random normal data generation were considered as ‘‘components”. Subsequently, a PCA followed by a varimax rotation was performed with a fixed number of components to extract, based on the results of the parallel analysis. The outcome of this combined PCA and varimax rotation, a component matrix, was used in the subsequent analyses.

Procrustes bootstrapping

A Procrustes bootstrapping PCA was performed to select the component loadings to be interpreted further. Thousand samples of component matrices were generated by resampling with replacement. To this end, we adjusted the online available SPSS script for component analysis with Procrustes bootstrapping from Linda Reichwein Zientek and Bruce Thompson[ 24 ]. Note that, just like the original PCA-varimax, components were not normalized row wise. Bootstrapping results were rotated towards a target matrix. The target matrix was constructed by binarizing the component matrix retaining the sign. Variables were assigned 1 or -1 for the component they loaded strongest on and 0 elsewhere. 95% CIs were calculated for each variable across the thousand bootstrap resamples.

Interpretation components

Only variables with a 95% CI that does not cross zero were interpreted further. Labels were assigned to each component based on the component loadings acquired with the original PCA-varimax.

Component scores analysis

For each subject, component scores were computed using regression. A Spearman rank test was conducted to see how well the component scores correlate with MDI scores. A Spearman rank test was used to assess the correlation between the component scores, time since breakup and relationship duration. Component scores were compared between men and women with an independent samples t-test. Additionally, Spearman rank correlations between the component scores and MDI scores were calculated for men and women separately.

For all conducted statistical tests, results were considered significant at p -value < .05 (uncorrected), two-tailed.

Study population

The relationship group consisted of 23 men and 23 women with a relationship duration between 6 and 24 months ( Mdn = 13.00, IQR = 9.00–19.00). Age ranged between 18 and 26 years ( Mdn = 21.00, IQR = 20.00–23.00). The heartbreak group consisted of 33 men and 38 women. Age ranged between 18 and 25 years ( Mdn = 22.00, IQR = 21.00–24.00). Relationship duration prior to the breakup ranged between 6 and 81 months ( Mdn = 20.00, IQR = 13.00–37.00). Time since breakup ranged between 0 and 5 months ( Mdn = 2.00, IQR = 1.00–4.00). In 42.3% of the subjects, the ex-partner decided to break up, whereas in 35.2% the breakup was initiated by the subject and in 22.5% the subject and ex-partner decided together. 70.4% of the subjects reported to still be in touch with their ex-partner. Five subjects (7.0%) reported to have found a new romantic partner. 70.4% reported to still think about their ex-partner on a daily basis and 25.4% experienced physical complaints after the breakup. The heartbreak group was significantly older than the relationship group ( U = 1241.00, Z = -2.21, p = .027, r = -.20). Additional background information of our study population can be found in S2 Table .

Severity of depression symptoms

Fig 1 shows the severity of depression symptoms for the relationship group and the heartbreak group. MDI total scores ranged between 2 and 22 ( Mdn = 7.00, IQR = 4.75–10.25) in the relationship group. 97.8% were found to have a MDI score below 21, corresponding to an absence of depression. 2.2% had depression symptoms corresponding to mild depression. MDI scores ranged between 1 and 45 ( Mdn = 9.00, IQR = 7.00–21.00) in the heartbreak group. 12.7% reported depression symptoms corresponding to mild depression. 1.4% and 12.7% reported symptoms corresponding to respectively moderate and severe depression. In total, 26.8% reported symptoms corresponding to mild, moderate or severe depression. MDI total scores were higher in the heartbreak group compared to the relationship group ( U = 1042.00, Z = -3.31, p = .001, r = -.31). No gender differences were found ( U = 213.50, Z = -1.13, p = .260, r = -.17) between the males ( Mdn = 6.00, IQR = 4.00–8.00) and females ( Mdn = 7.00, IQR = 5.00–14.00) in the relationship group. MDI scores differed ( U = 380.00, Z = -2.85, p = .004, r = -.34) between heartbroken males ( Mdn = 7.00, IQR = 4.50–14.00) and heartbroken females ( Mdn = 15.50, IQR = 7.75–25.00). S3 Table shows the median and interquartile range for the individual items for the two groups. With regard to the core symptoms of depression, the heartbreak group scored higher on the item ‘‘feeling sad or low in spirits” and the item ‘‘loss of interest in daily activities” ( p = .001 and p = .013), while the item ‘‘lack of energy and strength” did not differ between the two groups ( p = .218). Concerning the accompanying symptoms of depression, the items ‘‘feeling less self-confident”, ‘‘the feeling that life was not worth living”, ‘‘concentration difficulties”, ‘‘feeling restless/listless” and ‘‘sleeping difficulties” differed significantly between the two groups (all higher in the heartbreak group, p = .019, p = .002, p = .019, p < .001, and p = .004, respectively). No differences were found regarding the items ‘‘feelings of guilt” and ‘‘decreased/increased appetite” ( p = .112 and p = .151).

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Outliers (values that are between Q1-1.5*IQR or Q3+1.5*IQR and Q1-3*IQR or Q3+3*IQR) are indicated with a circle. Extreme outliers (values that are beyond Q1-3*IQR or Q3+3*IQR) are indicated with a star.

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320.g001

Characterization of heartbreak

To characterize the heartbreak group, a PCA-varimax was performed on the questionnaire battery. Subsequently, the relation with the depression scores was investigated.

Components extraction

Parallel analysis revealed two components with corresponding eigenvalues greater than the concomitant eigenvalue calculated for a random dataset, explaining respectively 45.8% and 13.8% of the variance.

Component loadings and interpretation

Table 1 shows the component loadings for the included variables for the two components. Additionally, the 95% CIs of the component loadings are shown. Given that the variables ‘‘feeling betrayed”, ‘‘feeling rejected”, ‘‘feeling angry”, ‘‘unexpectedness breakup” and ‘‘ICG” load highly on component 1 (95% CI does not straddle zero), this component was interpreted as ‘‘sudden loss”. The variables ‘‘feeling hopeful” and ‘‘PANAS positive” load strongest (inversely) on component 2 and have 95% CIs that do not contain zero. Therefore, this component was interpreted as ‘‘lack of positive affect”.

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320.t001

Association between the components and time since breakup and relationship duration

No significant correlation between time since breakup and each of the two components was found (‘‘sudden loss”: r s = .06, p = .600, “lack of positive affect”: r s = -.22, p = .071). Relationship duration correlated significantly with the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component ( r s = .25, p = .039) and did not correlate significantly with the ‘‘sudden loss” component ( r s = -.07, p = .559).

Association between the components and depression scores

Positive correlations between the component scores belonging to the two extracted components and depression scores were prevalent ( r s = .57, p < .001 and r s = .49, p < .001 for the ‘‘sudden loss” component and the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component, respectively). The scatterplot between the ‘‘sudden loss” component and MDI and between the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component and MDI are shown in Fig 2A and Fig 2B , respectively.

(A) Relationship between the ‘‘sudden loss” component and MDI. (B) Relationship between the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component and MDI.

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320.g002

Gender effects components

Gender differences with regard to the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component were found: heartbroken females had higher component scores ( t (67) = 2.95, p = .004, r = .34). Component scores belonging to the ‘‘sudden loss” component did not differ between the genders ( t (67) = .88, p = .385, r = .11). MDI scores correlated positively with both components (see above). However, the MDI score showed a gender effect as well (see above). Therefore, correlations between MDI scores and each of the two components were examined for men and women separately. For heartbroken females, highly significant correlations were found for both ‘‘sudden loss” and ‘‘lack of positive affect” ( r s = .57, p < .001 and r s = .70, p < .001 respectively). Heartbroken males showed a partially different result: a significant correlation between MDI scores and the ‘‘sudden loss” component was prevalent ( r s = .55, p = .001). In contrast, the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component did not correlate significantly with MDI scores ( r s = -.01, p = .951).

In the present study, we primarily aimed to investigate: 1) whether individuals with a recent romantic relationship breakup demonstrate symptoms of depression, 2) how to describe heartbreak characteristics based on data from a comprehensive questionnaire battery, and 3) whether this description can capture severity of depression symptoms. Secondary, we were interested in gender differences with regard to the above study objectives.

In accordance with our expectations, severity of depression symptoms was found to be higher in the heartbreak group compared to the reference group, i.e. subjects in a romantic relationship. MDI total scores as well as individual items, including core symptoms of depression, were elevated. However, median MDI scores of the heartbreak group fell within the range of absence of depression as defined by Bech et al.[ 20 ]. Nonetheless, 26.8% and 14.1% of the heartbroken subjects reported severity of depression symptoms corresponding to respectively mild to severe depression and moderate to severe depression. In contrast, only one subject reported symptoms corresponding to (mild) depression in the relationship group. In a study by Forsell et al.[ 25 ], a mean MDI score of 8.8 (95% CI 8.6–9.0) was found in a large sample of men and women drawn from the general population. Note that even in this general population, 8.0% reported symptoms corresponding to moderate or severe depression[ 25 ] (compared to the 14.1% found in this study). Thus, we consider the heartbreak group as a good population to study a depression-like state in otherwise healthy individuals.

We described heartbreak by two principal components. Feelings of betray, rejection and anger, unexpectedness of the breakup and symptoms of complicated grief contributed substantially to the first component that was therefore interpreted as ‘‘sudden loss”. Feeling hopeful after the breakup and current positive affect (i.e. the ability to experience positive emotions) contributed largely (inversely) to the second component that was consequently interpreted as ‘‘lack of positive affect”. The finding that the feeling of being betrayed is an important parameter of heartbreak is consistent with the study of Field et al.[ 3 ]. Moreover, our findings show similarities with a retrospective study concerning emotions following a relationship dissolution by Barbara and Dion[ 26 ]. In that study, a component labeled as ‘‘negative emotions” was extracted and rejection and anger were found to be important variables for that specific component[ 26 ]. This is in accordance with the high loadings of the variables ‘‘feeling rejected” and ‘‘feeling angry” on the ‘‘sudden loss” component as found in our study.

Within the heartbreak group, both components correlated highly with depression scores. The ‘‘lack of positive affect” component is primarily defined by positive affect scores, as measured with the PANAS. This is in accordance with a study by Crawford and Henry[ 27 ] in which positive affect was found to be specifically related to depression scores in a large sample of men and women drawn from the general population. The ‘‘sudden loss” component also correlated highly with depression scores. This is consistent with literature regarding grief. For example, Keyes et al.[ 28 ] found associations between the experience of an unexpected death of a loved one and prevalence of psychiatric problems including clinical depression.

As expected, heartbroken females reported higher depression scores than heartbroken males in our study. This cannot be explained by general gender differences, given that the depression scores of the men and women of the relationship group did not differ, and therefore seems to be breakup-related. Among the heartbroken males examined separately, no association between the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component and severity of depression symptoms was found. Additionally, women had higher scores on the ‘‘lack of positive affect” component than men. Tentatively, these findings suggest that men are less likely to demonstrate and/or report reduced abilities experiencing positive emotions during a period of stress than women and this possibly relates to the well-known differential depression rates among the genders.

Limitations

By conducting the present study, detailed knowledge about behavioral and psychological consequences of a recent romantic relationship breakup and its association with symptoms of depression was acquired. A potential weakness of our study is that differences in recruitment strategy and pre-selection prior to inclusion between the genders could have influenced our findings. This makes it difficult to draw strong conclusions about effects of gender. Nevertheless, gender-specific application rates can be considered a finding as well in our opinion. Another possible weakness is that already having a new romantic partner was not an exclusion criterion in our study and in our sample five of the 71 subjects reported to have found a new partner on the day of the experiment. One could argue that this will reduce sadness and mood problems associated with a breakup. However, excluding those subjects from our dataset did not change either group-level differences regarding depression scores or the strength of the correlation between the components and depression scores noticeably (data can be found in S1 Appendix ). Therefore, possible effects of having a new romantic partner on our results were considered minimal. Perhaps, finding a new partner cannot diminish breakup-related effects within this limited period of time.

Conclusions

In the present study, we investigated whether the breakup of a romantic relationship can be used as an experimental model to study a depression-like state. We demonstrated an increased range of depression scores among our sample of individuals who recently have experienced a relationship breakup. Furthermore, our results show that the effects of experiencing a relationship breakup can be captured with two descriptors: “sudden loss” and “lack of positive affect”. Both were associated with (severity of) depression (-like) symptoms. Nota bene, this association was gender-dependent. Therefore, we propose that this life-event is a viable experimental model to investigate symptoms of depression in individuals without a psychiatric disorder. This paves the way to investigate the involvement of stress in the transition from healthy-to depressive behavior. Consequently, further longitudinal research using this model could provide new insights into individual-specific coping and vulnerability factors contributing to the development of depression symptoms during a period of stress.

Supporting information

S1 table. cronbach’s alpha scores questionnaire battery..

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320.s001

S2 Table. Additional background information of the heartbreak group and the relationship group.

Values are shown as percentage or median (Q1-Q3) for respectively categorical variables and numerical variables.

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320.s002

S3 Table. Individual MDI items for the relationship group and the heartbreak group.

Values are shown as median (Q1-Q3).

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320.s003

S1 Appendix. Group-level differences depression scores and correlation components and depression scores after excluding subjects with a new partner.

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320.s004

Acknowledgments

The authors would like to thank the undergraduate students who contributed to the design of the study, recruitment of subjects and data collection (Els van der Meijden, Antina de Boer, Femke van der Velde, Lisa Brouwer, Dafne Piersma, Floor Rodijk, Renske Lok, Kenney Roodakker and Thom Steenhuis). In addition, the authors would like to thank Dr. Marie-José van Tol and Sonsoles Alonso Martinez, MSc for contributing to the interpretation of the results.

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Breakup as a theme in one of my college essays

One of the supplemental essays asks about a challenge I have faced. I was thinking I could write about my breakup, which made me go into a sort of depression state. But I could then talk about how I used it as motivation to achieve what I wanted. Do you think this could be a good essay for my application or is it to cliche?

Paragraph on Breakups

Students are often asked to write a paragraph on Breakups in their schools. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 200-word, and 250-word paragraphs on the topic.

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Paragraph on Breakups in 100 Words

Breakups are when two friends or people who like each other a lot decide not to be together anymore. It can be sad and may make you feel bad. It’s like when you stop playing with your favorite toy because it’s broken. You may cry and miss the toy, but after some time, you start playing with other toys and feel happy again. Breakups are just like that. It’s okay to feel sad, but remember, you will feel happy again soon. It’s a part of life, like the changing seasons.

Paragraph on Breakups in 200 Words

Breakups can be tough. Imagine you have a best friend, and you both love playing together, sharing secrets, and having fun. But one day, your friend moves to another city, and you can’t play or talk as you used to. That’s a bit like a breakup. When two people are in love, they are like best friends. They enjoy spending time together and share many things. But sometimes, things change. Maybe they start to like different games, or they want to spend time with other friends. This can lead to fights and sadness. So, they decide to stop being a couple. This is called a breakup. It might feel very sad at first, like losing a best friend. It’s okay to feel this way. But remember, it’s also a chance to make new friends, discover new games, and learn more about yourself. Just like when your friend moved away, you found new friends to play with, right? Breakups can be hard, but they can also help us grow stronger and understand ourselves better. And who knows, maybe you’ll find a new best friend who loves the same games as you!

Paragraph on Breakups in 250 Words

Breakups are tough moments in life when two people who were once close decide to stop being together. It’s like a friendship that ends, but often it’s even harder. This could happen for many reasons. They might argue too much, or they might feel they don’t love each other anymore. Sometimes, one person might hurt the other one’s feelings too much. It’s normal to feel very sad when a breakup happens. You might miss the other person a lot, even if you know the breakup was the right decision. You might feel lonely, and that’s okay. It’s important to remember that it’s okay to feel this way and it’s part of the healing process. It’s also important to talk to friends or family about how you feel. They can support you and help you feel better. Over time, the pain from a breakup will start to fade. You’ll start to feel happy again and enjoy doing things you love. You’ll also learn from the experience. You’ll understand more about what you want in a relationship and what kind of person you want to be with. So, even though breakups are hard, they can also help you grow as a person. It’s okay to take time to heal, and it’s okay to ask for help if you need it. Remember, it’s just a part of life and everyone goes through it.

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