comedy story essay

• Clean Comedian
• Press-Feedback-Praise
• Testimonials
• Electronic Press Kit
• Jewish Comedy
• Shaun’s Comedy Talents
• Banking / Financial / Wall Street / Insurance / Investment Comedy
• Shows for Senior Citizen Groups
• Business School… in About an Hour
• Corporate Comedy
• Mustache Life sketch
• Obamas on Vacation sketch
• Recurring Character sketch
• Trump King Day Speech sketch
• Expired Comedy (topical humor)
• Comedic Essays
• Blog (shorter comedic essays)
• “A Tale of Two Kiddies” (short children’s story)
• Are Female Comedians Finally in Demand? (Newark Star-Ledger op-ed)
• From Justice to Laughter (NJ Lawyer Magazine article on attorneys who became comics)
• From Justice to Laughter narrated for the vision-impaired (mp3 file)
• Women Are Funny (originally published on Yahoo Shine)
• Unseen “Seinfeld” script “Health and Rackets”
• Unseen “Seinfeld” script “Private Lines”
• A Short Tribute to George Carlin
• South African Comedy
• What’s More Jewish Than Comedy? (Reform Judaism magazine)
• Earthquake Flow Chart
• How to Tell a Joke
• How to Hire a Comedian

Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

——————————————————————————–

posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

—————————————————————–

How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk:  I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron:  Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk:  Why not?  Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron:  No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both).  Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone.  Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.”  I guess that explains it.  Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways.  In NYC I often drive on 87.  Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class.  Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things.  Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne.  I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was.  The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene.  There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages.  And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway?  Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel.  And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura.  Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology.  I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry.  My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought.  The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog.  Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references.  Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who.  Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires.  Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door.  I even encourage it.  But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.  If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy.  If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume.  Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband?  Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear.  And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate.  Clearly he was a NASCAR driver.  I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them.  But your children?  Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder.  They’re not my kids.  Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween.  I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar).  That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang.  I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it.  And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door.  So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween.  One day a year is all anybody asked.  We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday.  Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy.  Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out.  When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door.  These days kids are much more efficient.  They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house.  So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door.  Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time.  And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening.  While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself.  I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door.  Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18.  If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

 If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police.  Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually.  Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone.  Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number.  Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me.  It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me.  It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word.   I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride?   What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities?  I didn’t help draft the Constitution.   I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution.   I didn’t even help win World War II*.   America’s Greatest Generation?   Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade?   I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done?  Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone.  Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately.  I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap.  And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh.  Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill.  He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight.  In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi.  Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that.  Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you.  Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder.  I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC.  The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you).  Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show.  Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name.  She laughed.  I said “Your name is Ha?  Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.”  All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show.  I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside.  She was beyond breath-taking.  She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works.  That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk.  But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind.  But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend.  Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right.  Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette.  The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back.  She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were.  She was also having trouble standing up.  At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible.  Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card.  I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show).  He said he knew.  When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show.  Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set.  The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer.  And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation.  I can’t wait to go back.  Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends.  Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees.  Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways.  At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college.  And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience.  And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention.  But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers.  The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them.  I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do.  So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it.  That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians.  The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed.  A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right.  But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.  So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach.  And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful.  Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret.  Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife.  Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party.  She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment.  I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women.  Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none!  Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman.  What does she do for a living?  Tax accountant.  Perfectly respectable profession.  Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city.  I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her.  I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer.  With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models.  She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women.  I said that doesn’t prove anything.  Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks.  If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet.  The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.”  For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly.  And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash.  He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”).  But the song is not about cars.  It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.”  Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant?  Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine.  Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”  I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three.  Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry.  Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny?  If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed.  How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes?  Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men.  When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make.  And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female.  A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional.  Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night.  And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice.  It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year.  And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out?  If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny.  It’s clearly not true.  What can your readers do?  They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics.  Comedy is a business; it runs on money.  Your money is your vote.  Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived.  I said yes.  She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me.  I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me).  But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand.  But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with.  At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead?   I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift.  The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force!  Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful?  Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.”  By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement.  That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author.  NOT research of highly-successful people.  No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years.  Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic.  Or at least out of the elevator.  Just get out of the elevator.  And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping.  There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century.  Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment.  If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert.  Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine.  You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”  WAKE UP!  You don’t get lemonade from lemons.  You get lemon juice.  You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club.  As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained.  They go to boo the performers off stage.  Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show.  And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it.  I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club.  I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room.  Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world.  Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors.  Of course the U.S. is on top by far.  Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany.  So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war.  Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited.  And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden.  More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland.  If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate.  Skip their wine.  France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ.  No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks.  I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me.  I picked it up and caught up to her.  “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily.  “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted.  I shrugged.  There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head.  She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

Copyright 2006 by Shaun Eli.  All rights reserved.  Including the rights to a car that runs on oranges, if you build it.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow.  Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd.  So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth.  As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier.  Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before.  Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine.  I’m happy.

What’s the joke?  Come to a show.  You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

Copyright 2005 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. All rights reserved, except feel free to name your son Shaun. Everyone else is doing it.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

——————————————————————————-

Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

kg klglukrlkn

qiwu sgfr,sf,dasfr;l,/. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only.  No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N   E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

101 Hilarious (or Slightly Amusing) Comedic Story Prompts

Do you need some help conjuring compelling comedy ideas? Sometimes reading simple comedic story prompts is the easiest way to find them.

Most writers are often asked,  “Where do you get your ideas from?”  A majority of the time, writers find it difficult to answer that question.

We get our ideas from a plethora of sources — news headlines, novels, television shows, movies, our lives, our fears, our phobias, etc. They can come from a scene or moment in a film that wasn’t fully explored. They can come from a single visual that entices the creative mind — a seed that continues to grow and grow until the writer is forced to finally put it to paper or screen.

In the spirit of helping writers find those seeds, here we offer 101 originally conceived and hilarious — or at the very least, slightly humorous — story prompts that you can use as inspiration for your next horror story.

They may inspire screenplays, novels, short stories, or even smaller moments that you can include in what stories you are already writing or what you will create in your upcoming projects.

Check our our other story prompt lists here!

1. Two opposing football coaches from rival schools fall in love with each other.

2. A man is afraid of everything.

3. A mom is obsessed with wanting to be popular amongst her teenage daughter's friends and peers.

4. A past arcade game champion from the 1980s quits his job to travel the country getting high scores on classic arcade game consoles.

5. A world where cats and dogs rule Earth.

6. Mark Twain is transferred into the future to experience what life is like now.

7. Someone believes that they are an amazing athlete, but nothing could be further from the truth.

8. A character desperate for a job accepts a position as an interpreter, but can't actually speak the native language.

9. A bigot's soul is transferred into a minority's body.

10. An egotistical genius is suddenly stripped of their intelligence.

11. An unethical CEO of a superstore is ordered by the court to work a month as a cashier.

12. A cowboy is forced to work in the corporate world.

13. A male mermaid falls in love with a female castaway.

14. Mrs. Claus is forced to deliver presents on Christmas after her husband runs off with a stripper.

15. A janitor enacts hilarious daily revenge on the students that mock him.

16. A man finds a loophole to enter the Miss Universe contest.

17. A disgraced angel who hates humans is forced to live amongst them.

18. A mother and her teenage son switch bodies.

19. The world's unluckiest man.

20. An Uber/taxi driver picks up a doppelganger.

21. A world where everybody suddenly tells the truth no matter what the consequences.

22. A pastor is accidentally sent to Hell for a missionary trip.

23. A talented but laid-off chef is forced to take a job in a fast food joint.

24. A group of promiscuous high school friends decides to live like do-good virgins to win the heart of a new student.

25. What if Romeo and Juliet hated each other?

26. Someone dies, only to see that their childhood wish of returning to life as a dog comes true.

27. Someone that faints at the sight of blood becomes a vampire.

28. A man discovers that's he's actually a robot.

29. An alternate universe where adults are the children and kids run the world.

30. A man suffers from a strange mental disorder that forces him to communicate only through puns.

31. High school friends of the opposite sex vow to marry each other by 40 if they're still single — only to finally reunite at a high school reunion and discover they can't stand each other, but don't want to be alone.

32. A tone-deaf singer trying to make it as a performer.

33. An egotistical Dungeons & Dragons player wakes up within the world of their campaign.

34. Pranking gets out of hand in an office building.

35. A man finds any way he can to get his wife to divorce him — but none of it works.

36. A marriage counselor that has been married five times.

37. The world's worst beekeeper.

38. The world's worst soccer player that is only on the team because their father coaches.

39. An otherwise innocent priest is disenchanted with the church, quits, and decides to make up for lost time by sinning — but their conscience is making it very difficult.

40. The world's worst hunter.

41. The angel and devil on one's shoulders are actually real.

42. A man afraid of the water decides to confront his fear by visiting the world's biggest waterpark.

43. A man afraid of clowns decides to confront his fear by attending clown school.

44. A woman is literally afraid of her own shadow.

45. The country's funniest comedian decides to run for president as a joke — and wins.

46. The world of enthusiastic parents and coaches during a week-long soccer tournament.

47. A group of childhood friends reunites for their 25th reunion only to learn that each of them has undergone drastic changes in their genders and sexualities.

48. A character obsessed with Tom and Jerry cartoons is thrust into that world.

49. The son of a secret agent is nothing like his father.

50. A princess from another country decides to go incognito and attend an American college.

51. A prince from a male-dominated society comes to America.

52. The opposite of vertigo — the fear of being too close to the ground.

53. A woman has Sinistrophobia — the fear of objects to your left.

54. A millennial who can't detach from technology is forced to go camping.

55. A romantic comedy about two dogs that fall in love against all the odds.

56. Someone that hates horror movies because the characters make stupid mistakes is thrust into a world where those scenarios play out.

57. Dogs and cats, living together.

58. The frog that was turned into a prince turns back into a frog after the princess divorces him.

59. A millennial who can't detach from technology is transported to 1980s.

60. A hipster who wishes they could live in the simpler times of the 1800s gets their wish and realizes how hard that life really was.

61. A Little House on the Prairie fan wishes they could live in that world and realizes how hard that life really was.

62. A TV personality is a fake Shark expert on a Shark Week show.

63. A popular TV Chef that can't really cook is hired by the White House to cook for the inaugural ball.

64. An egotistical President of the United States decides to pull a publicity stunt for the upcoming election — he wants to be the first president in space.

65. A family wakes up to discover that their dog, two cats, and two frogs can now talk.

66. A family is transported to the land of Oz only to be mistaken as witches because of their smartphones.

67. Unappreciative twin brother and sister are transported into the bodies of their father (brother) and mother (sister) at their birth and get a taste of what it was like raising twins.

68. Unappreciative twin brother and sister are transported into the bodies of their father (sister) and mother (brother) at their birth and get a taste of what it was like raising twins.

69. Parents travel into the future to see what their children are like — and the results are not that great.

70. Grandparents welcome their six grandchildren for a week's vacation; only the parents never come back.

71. A group of children start an underground candy factory and run it like a drug cartel.

72. A group of soccer moms start an underground cupcake factory and run it like a drug cartel.

73. A bunch of bored fathers that binge The Sopranos decides to start a suburban mafia — but they are a far cry from gangsters.

74. A farmer decides to open a knock-off of Disneyland, complete with lackluster versions of Pirates of the Caribbean , The Jungle Cruise , It's a Small World , and many other iconic Disney rides.

75. The competitive world of belly flop competitions.

76. The competitive world of cannonball diving.

77. The competitive world of adult go-cart racing.

78. The competitive world of minigolf tournaments.

79. Neighbors living in Midwest suburbia decide to get into the lucrative world of internet couples pornography.

80. A white family wants to open up a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown.

81. A group of children obsessed with 1980s movies decides to remake the classics.

82. A group of children playing hide and seek in their basement discover old VHS tapes and have no clue how to play them — leading to an adventurous journey of mystery and discovery.

83. A middle school decides to run school elections like the presidential race and prove to the world how childish adults in the political world really are.

84. A grownup butt dials their childhood phone number. Guess who answers?

85. A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.

86. The world's worst fistfight between two suburban dads goes viral.

87. A world where humans evolved from sloths.

88. A white-collar prisoner does everything he can to return to prison when he's released at an old age.

89. A spoof of The Shawshank Redemption where the protagonist is an idiot that makes the most stupid mistakes and gets caught at every escape attempt.

90. The world's easiest prison to escape.

91. A hardcore rapper that actually didn't grow up in the hood.

92. A mom that has had enough of her spoiled children and husband plans a vacation for herself.

93. A man and his best friend, his dog, switch bodies.

94. A woman and her best friend, a cat, switch bodies.

95. A movie buff that is sick of body switch movies actually switches bodies with someone.

96. The competitive world of the Summer Redneck Games —classic events include the toilet seat horseshoe toss, watermelon seed spitting, mud pit belly flop.

97. The competitive world of Quidditch.

98. The world of Renaissance fairs.

99. The world of cosplayers.

100. A 25th high school reunion committee decides to do an adult prom, leading to mirrored drama from twenty-five years ago.

101. A blogger trying to concoct a list of 101 hilarious (or slightly amusing) comedic story prompts runs out of ideas when he reaches the end of the list.

Share this with your writing peers or anyone that loves a funny story. Have some prompts of your own? Share them through comments on Facebook posts or Twitter retweets!

Keep writing.

Ken Miyamoto has worked in the film industry for nearly two decades, most notably as a studio liaison for Sony Studios and then as a script reader and story analyst for Sony Pictures.

He has many studio meetings under his belt as a produced screenwriter, meeting with the likes of Sony, Dreamworks, Universal, Disney, Warner Brothers, as well as many production and management companies. He has had a previous development deal with Lionsgate, as well as multiple writing assignments, including the produced miniseries  Blackout , starring Anne Heche, Sean Patrick Flanery, Billy Zane, James Brolin, Haylie Duff, Brian Bloom, Eric La Salle, and Bruce Boxleitner. Follow Ken on Twitter  @KenMovies

Get Our Screenwriting Newsletter!

Get weekly writing inspiration delivered to your inbox - including industry news, popular articles, and more!

Facebook Comments

Free download.

Screenwriting Resources:

$ 15.00 Original price was: $15.00. $ 12.00 Current price is: $12.00. Add to cart

Popular Posts

Recent Posts

Next Related Post

Get Our Newsletter!

Developing your own script.

We'll send you a list of our free eCourses when you subscribe to our newsletter. No strings attached.

You Might Also Like

• Hidden Name
• Email This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Connect With Us

Writing competitions, success stories.

© 2024 ScreenCraft | An Industry Arts Company

• Scriptwriting

How to Write Comedy — Tips, Techniques & Script Examples

A sk any creative writer what the hardest genre to write is and they’ll probably tell you that it’s comedy. That’s because story structure can only bring you so far in comedy writing – the fact of the matter is that if you aren’t funny, you aren’t funny. So how do you become funny? Do you read joke books? No! Like everything else, you practice until you become perfect – well, not perfect per se – most comedy writers would be happy with just okay. We’re going to show you how to write comedy, with script examples from 21 Jump Street and Curb Your Enthusiasm , but first, let’s define comedy writing.

Guide to Comedic Writing

What is comedy writing.

In simplest terms, comedy writing is a genre of writing that is intended to be funny. There’s much more to it than that, but first and foremost, the chief goal is to make the audience laugh. Let’s watch a quick video to hear one of the most successful comedy writers of all-time, Jerry Seinfeld, explain the basics of comedy writing.

Writing Comedy  •  Jerry Seinfeld on How to Write a Joke With The New York Times

Comedy writing is something you don’t see people doing. It’s a secretive thing.

— Jerry Seinfeld

As Seinfeld suggests, comedy writing is a very secretive thing. One reason why is because most comedy writers feel like their material has to be perfect before it’s presented. 

Think about it this way: let’s say you write a dramatic stage play. There’s no way to tell if the audience hated it – except if they fell asleep, then I’d say it’s fair to say they hated it. Now let’s say you write a comedic play. If the audience doesn’t laugh at the jokes, then you know they hated it.

You know, they know, everybody knows – a joke that doesn’t land is a special type of shame . It’s for this reason that comedy writing can feel so personal. The most important thing to remember is that nobody is funny 100% of the time, but by taking inspiration from some of the best, we can improve our craft.

Comedy writing doesn’t have to be a solitary craft. Due to the advent of the internet, comedy is more collaborative now more than ever. This next video explains how the Lonely Island sketch “Dear Sister” helped to usher in a new era of comedy.

How to Write Comedy  •  How ‘Dear Sister’ Changed Comedy by Karsten Runquist

The difference between Seinfeld’s traditionalist advice on comedy writing and Karsten Runquist’s new-age analysis is that one says that comedy is achieved by plot ; the other says that plot is achieved by comedy. Think of memes for example: what makes a meme funny? Well, I’d say memes are funny because somebody doesn’t “get it.”

A meme is like an inside joke between millions of people – but once it breaks out of that “inside” bubble, then it ceases to be funny. This teaches us something essential about comedy writing; almost always, somebody has to be the butt of the joke. No matter how big or small, somebody has to be made fun of. It’s this very notion that makes comedy writing so difficult. 

Rules of Comedy, Explained

Tips and tricks for writing comedy.

One of the most difficult aspects of comedy script writing is finding the right person to perform it. You could write something really clever, but if it’s performed in a tone that’s incongruent to what you mean, then it’s not going to sound funny.

So when writing any sort of comedy, don’t be afraid to add emphasis. That’s true in more ways than one – emphasize the punch-lines to your jokes, emphasize specificity, and emphasize contradictions. 

Like any type of writing, comedy writing relies on conflict . In this scene from Meet the Parents , the family patriarch Jack interrogates his daughter’s boyfriend Greg. Pay attention to how screenwriters Jim Herzfeld and John Hamburg entice us with character conflict.

How to Write Comedy  •  Watch the Meet the Parents Lie Detector Test Scene

I wanted to look at this scene for a couple reasons. The first is that it’s a great structural example of how to put together a comedic scene. The mean dad, clueless boyfriend trope is just that... a trope. So how do the writers make it feel refreshing and new?

Well, it starts with emphasis and exaggeration. Jack isn’t just any dad, he’s a former CIA operative. And Greg’s not just a clueless boyfriend, he’s a walking bad-luck charm. So in a structural sense, this relationship is primed for comedic conflict.

Here are five great tips for writing a comedy scene:

• Take a typical situation and exaggerate it
• Let tension build
• Use specificity
• Embarrass someone
• Finish with a bang

Now let’s see how Meet the Parents  utilizes these five strategies.

• Greg is visiting his girlfriend’s family. This is a typical situation – and at some level, it’s something we can all relate to. But it’s exaggerated by Jack’s CIA background.
• Say you’re the writer of a story like  Meet the Parents  and you have a great structural conflict between two characters (Jack and Greg) – how do you take that tension and build it? Well, start by putting the two characters in close proximity.
• Specificity is a double-edged sword in comedy writing. Notice how Greg is wearing Jack’s pajamas with the little JB insignia on the chest-pocket? That’s funny. Notice how there are a bunch of pictures of Jack undercover in the CIA? That’s funny. And it’s funny because it’s not forced on us.
• Jack embarrasses Greg by asking him uncomfortable questions. Situationally, this is funny, and it’s elevated by Robert De Niro’s great deadpan delivery. 
• Like Jerry Seinfeld said, always save the best joke for last. It’s an expectation in comedy writing that you’re going to end with a bang. In this scene from  Meet the Parents , it’s when Jack asks Greg if he watches porn.

WRITING COMEDY TIPS

How to make your script funny.

Would you believe me when I say there’s a secret technique you can use to instantly make any scene funnier? No, that sounds too good to be true! But alas, it is.

The technique known as irony  – which is defined as being the opposite of what we expect – can turn any scene on its head.

How to Write Comedy  •  21 Jump Street Screenplay

21 Jump Street went through a lengthy rewrite process. In this revision of the script, undercover cops Jenko and Schmidt arrive at a scene somewhat akin to what we see in the original tv show. There’s nothing wrong with the scene as it was originally written – but the final version of the scene shows just how much a difference irony can make.

Here, Jenko takes the lead, expecting to command the crowd like he did in high school. But as Bob Dylan famously said, the times are a-changin’. 

How to Write Comedy  •  Watch 21 Jump Street 

We expect Jenko to be considered “cool.” But instead, he’s condemned. Conversely, we expect Schmidt to be considered “lame.” But instead, he’s celebrated. This is irony . This character dynamic makes 21 Jump Street feel refreshing. If you’re considering writing a comedy script, think about how contrived character stereotypes can be subverted with irony. 

Writing Comedy Taboos

Things to avoid in comedy writing.

Most comedians will tell you that no topic is off-limits in comedy writing. And although that may be true, just remember that it’s really hard to make certain things funny – and you’re not going to win audiences over making jokes about taboo subject matter. 

We’ve all heard the saying “read the room” before, but how do we “read the room” when we’re writing alone? Well, one way is to take notes when you’re out in public, then transcribe them into a routine, sketch, or scene later. If you know Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm , then this process may sound familiar.

This next video explains Larry David’s writing process for Curb in further detail.

Comedy Writing Techniques  •  How to Write Comedy Like Larry David by StoryDive

The reason I bring up Curb in regards to “what to avoid in comedy writing” is because Larry David is a master of navigating that ever-so-delicate line. Take this clip from Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Nine, Ep. 8 for example.

How to Write Humor  •  Study Perspective in this Curb Your Enthusiasm Clip

In this montage scene, a Muslim investigator looks into Larry’s past to see if he deserves a fatwa. In each part of the montage, a delicate subject matter is addressed. Why is it funny? Well, it’s all about perspective. In Curb Your Enthusiasm , Larry is consistently made out to be the bad guy. By framing him as the good guy, we see the ludicrousy of the show’s situations in a new light.

Don’t be afraid to play with perspective. Sometimes, the comedy of a scene is found in a perspective you would’ve never guessed. Consider framing your comedic situations in different ways.

This experimentation will often help you find the best angle to present your jokes.

Comedy lessons from Gene Wilder

We touched on a lot of the foundational aspects of comedy writing, but there’s so much more to it than what we went over here. In this next article, we break down how to direct actors, with special emphasis on how Gene Wilder changed comedy. By studying Wilder’s comedic style, we can learn a lot about how to be a better comedy writer.

Up Next: Directing Comedy Actors →

Write and produce your scripts all in one place..

Write and collaborate on your scripts FREE . Create script breakdowns, sides, schedules, storyboards, call sheets and more.

• Pricing & Plans
• Product Updates
• Featured On
• StudioBinder Partners
• The Ultimate Guide to Call Sheets (with FREE Call Sheet Template)
• How to Break Down a Script (with FREE Script Breakdown Sheet)
• The Only Shot List Template You Need — with Free Download
• Managing Your Film Budget Cashflow & PO Log (Free Template)
• A Better Film Crew List Template Booking Sheet
• Best Storyboard Softwares (with free Storyboard Templates)
• Movie Magic Scheduling
• Gorilla Software
• Storyboard That

A visual medium requires visual methods. Master the art of visual storytelling with our FREE video series on directing and filmmaking techniques.

We’re in a golden age of TV writing and development. More and more people are flocking to the small screen to find daily entertainment. So how can you break put from the pack and get your idea onto the small screen? We’re here to help.

• Making It: From Pre-Production to Screen
• Ethos, Pathos & Logos — Definition and Examples of Persuasive Advertising Techniques
• Ultimate AV Script Template to Write Better Ads [FREE AV Script Template]
• What is Dramatic Irony? Definition and Examples
• What is Situational Irony? Definition and Examples
• How to Write a Buzzworthy Explainer Video Script [Free Template]
• 2 Pinterest

875 Funny Writing Prompts For Funny Stories And Comedies

March 2, 2021

Commaful is supported by readers. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission at no extra cost to you. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. This does not affect who we choose to review or what we recommend.  Learn more

Have tried writing funny stories in the past, but failed because you are having a hard time thinking up ideas that you feel make people laugh? If your answer is ‘yes,’ maybe you should consider turning to writing prompts for inspiration. 

Writing prompts are great tools that could help make your story stand out from other comedies by giving you new ideas and pushing you to get your creative spirits going. They can also take your stories to the next level by stretching your imagination.  

If you are an aspiring comedy writer or an author in a writer’s rut, here are writing prompts that could inspire you to write funny stories

• There are only five minutes until you have to give the speech and you just realized you can’t speak. Inspiration never strikes at a good time.
• The wife-in-laws’ husband wife-in-law is a husband wife-in-law was a constant reminder of her own true age.
• There came a time when the world was out of handclaps. In order to resolve this grotesque situation, a boy was conscripted. A boy who had been struck on the head by the iron lever in a closed door accident, and was now incomplete in the lateral portion of his left hemisphere.
• When my headlights were going out…no one knew that the red lights on the road were actually stop lights.
• Several times during the Second World War Churchill was briefed on recent advances in weapons technology. He’d listen to the reports, only for his eyes to widen, mouth open and jaw drop. Slightly open-mouthed, patting the person on hand, he’d steer them to the door before stepping back into his office. Later, someone would walk in and add in some milk.
• You hear a sound behind you, but you know it’s my friend Billy, whose name is actually Steven. Stop making me say things two times!
• Everyone from the outside expected you to have your life together. You weren’t to be concerned with anything. Little did they know, you were worried sick about one of the most bizarre things anyone could identify with.
• Tell a story of something that happened when you were a kid. Something you’ve left out of other stories you’ve told.
• There was a family that moved into the neighborhood. Jose, Janet, and Tom. There children Mark, Maria, and Timothy. They were the nicest people you would want to meet. At least at first. One day Mark and Timothy went missing. People looked everywhere for those two boys, but they just couldn’t be found. Then suddenly the rest of the family went missing just two days later. Except the father and mother who were the last to disappear. When people looked around the beautiful house they found more of those flowers and dead bodies all around the backyard AND a port-a-potty. They looked in the bath tubs and the kitchen drawers. The bodies were hidden for a long time until someone they could take care of themselves, or they were just plain stupid. All had the same golden gates and angel wings. Everyone was certain of the fact that the family was a group of satan worshippers.
• You wake up one night covered in tiny puncture wounds. They heal over time, leaving small coffee or mocha colored spots on your person.
• “I want to believe.” was not the catchphrase of some obscure nerd, but rather my new way of saying “I need to become an astronaut.”
• The elevator could only fit one person, so they tossed a coin to see who would go up and bring down the angel.
• It’s not the same when you explain it to us, so explain it to the whores on the corner outside, the corner of forgotten children.
• She ran around with scissors in her hair so they were never able to recognize the color of her hair.
• A running joke can be funny or strange and crucial– and, ultimately, mess with your readers’ minds. A running joke also makes your novel stand out in a memorable way. Could Eva repel the biker girls? Could she use lemons to do so? Maybe she could transform into a laser beam and shoot lemon beams at them!
• You are sitting at your desk at a job you hate. Suddenly, a man you’ve never seen before approaches you with an argument you’ve never considered, and somehow your procrastinating becomes the action of the minute, the action that leads to momentous decisions in a life you never realized was yours.
• But not everything can come from a strange world. Some ideas could also come as a part of a mundane world. Perhaps the bad guy from your story didn’t arrive by meteor, but crawled down the storm drain in your backyard.
• A story about a triangular obelisk made of mud-braken and mortar replaced with a different one, solely based on observation.
• You enter a virtual reality game in the seal-clubbing business. The object of the game is to seal-club as many seals as possible. It’s the world’s most popular online game. And in no time you’re making a fortune. You’ve become the ultimate seal-clubber. How will it end?
• The Sheriff and his deputy were riding horses in a park earlier, but then, one horse just started taking off on it’s own. Naturally, the two men wouldn’t let a horse just take them anywhere. The deputy did the only thing he could’ve done, and shot the horse for ‘becoming agitated’.
• A subtle discussion of the differences between the dreaming of a historian and the degree to which a character in the fiction believes himself to be real.
• The man in the big yellow hat wanted to open the biggest lemonade stand ever. So he went out to find the lemons, only to find out that there is no more lemonade. Oopsie!
• Write into somebody else’s dialect. Write from the point of view of someone living in a different time period, like the 16th century. Write the story looking back from about 1000 years from now. What would post-apocalyptica feel like?
• For a list of funny story prompts from a simplified list and fun exercises, just go to this page . The list is fairly comprehensive but they will prove very useful in terms of idea generation. You can also simply check out my Book, “From blank page to funny page.” and start writing today!
• The Bakers left the galley messy, so Gavin and his boys decided to contribute to the clean up effort. Consequently, all their masterpieces were saved.
• More great prompts for funny stories include awkward moments, suspicious adjectives, painful events, and first meeting. Once you’ve completed a funny story, share them with friends or family.
• Never say die. Blasphemy? Ten years in prison. No trials, no innocent before proven guilty. Just burn ’em! Burn ’em!
• You were the small seedling that decided to grow up. And rise to be ten times what all the other trees were planted for.
• A man and a woman want to get married but a mutual need is preventing them from tying the knot for a closer life together.
• Pirates like to focus on the one thing most people would find most morally intriguing–avast, this is the captured story.
• Colonel Sanders bobbed up and down on a pogo stick. Do you think he shouted Colonel Sanders while he did this? Or was he just Colonel Sanders?
• Destiny doesn’t get out of bed for anything less than two million in cash. Or a really good bacon wrapped filet.
• The man on the train who stared at your arm tattoos for five minutes, despite being surrounded by countless empty seats.
• Figure out a way to be the anarchist you wanted than shouted at by the powers that wanted to redefine the relationship between you and your government without dealing with any government involvement.
• Enjoy these and enjoy writing short stories! They are a great way to provide creative writing practice.
• Don’t forget to subscribe to my RSS or YouTube channel or newsletter above for updates on when more funny prompts come out.
• I was born a beautiful baby. A beautiful baby in the ugly hospital in the ugly dying town on the dying planet.
• You were dreaming night after night. It was the same dream, you never forgot it, but it didn’t make sense. What did you dream again?
• He wore a brown fedora and a black trenchcoat. He gave me a wide goofy grin as he drew a gun from his pocket.
• The Old west meets high-tech study chambers. A Wild West error leads to a bug in the Matrix. Documented incident of spontaneity. Blue heron falls from the sky.
• They must have thought they couldn’t make it through. They split their integral selves between a state and the staid. The steady flux is a thing of delight to them, just as the balance between their vibrant impulsions and the détente is. Contact further cemented their romance, but effect dissipated into sparse numbers. They plummeted, plateaued, and now slowly strut gingerly amongst the pincushion and porcupines. Now that they know themselves incapable of tearing themselves apart, they no longer worry about trying to be whole.
• What if everything you thought you knew about vampires and the undead was a total lie? What if they were just people?
• A centipede and a butterfly sit outside on a hot summer day playing cards. After a few hands the centipede puts down his cards and says….
• It’s a curse to be beautiful in this life… or was it an enviable blessing it brought wealth and fame…
• An original fairytale about a handsome prince, damsel in distress and a white horse where the prince is the knight with a thousand faces.
• God gave you the job of calling all the shots. What happened to make you forget what He had put you on this Earth for?
• Why would it have to make logical sense for me to get that part? It’s just a frickin’ job, not graduate school.
• The struggling artist doodled in the margins of the page, oblivious that the words she wrote were changing her world…
• What shapes do you see in the pattern of life? Stories can create emotion, setting, likability, and help people learn about themselves and others. A believable story can capture the reader’s attention, if the grammar and sentence structure are good, then they should be able to read the story smoothly. If every aspect is perfect, that means nothing else is left undone. The tale could almost tell itself. The setting could almost design itself. If everything in a story feels real or plausible, then it lived up to the expectations.
• Later, the same boy pushed a goat down the school’s  staircases. It’s safe to say he was suspended from the school for a solid week.
• You can use the environment around you to bring color to your writing. Look around you at the environment. The way a roach slithers across your counter – what emotion is it trying to convey? What does a dirty leaf or a wind-blown flower invoke in you?
• Your name was a living legend. Highlander of your trade.  No one wanted to be the one that slew… you.
• When your life looked like a stick drawing, only with a few scattered among your two dimensional reality.
• TheRedheadand The Spacewoman Are Having a Good Time On The Planet of Orange at the North Pole. Prance Around and Find a Big Piece of Rock To Float To Other Planets.
• I knew they were trouble when they walked in. A girl covered in tattoos, and a guy who resembled Johnny Depp.
• Hope you’ve enjoyed these funny story prompts. If you want some more, let me know and I’ll post more funny story prompts!
• Who can discard digital music files that hold exactly one -hundred- notes of -unplayed- music without feeling awful and slightly depressed about it. Isn’t your hard drive a paradise for that lonely unused music??!
• Write a story about someone who talks about a paradox that blurs the lines between fiction and reality.
• 1. Go to the YouTube channel, How to Write Great Fiction , and watch the videos on Point of View and Storytelling. 2. After you’ve watched the videos, go to the site to read more about each of the fifteen elements by clicking on the title of the article.
• All of the writing prompts are effective because you have to get right to the point and remove any fluff from the description so you can tell a story in a creative and interesting way.
• Have you ever noticed that after a person has died, everything in the house goes to the kids? Except for the dirty underwear in the underwear drawer.
• Most people are like Slinky. With every step they take, they lose a little bit of their sturdiness and gain a little bit more tually.
• Write a story about something or someone you don’t like, to get a laugh, you need to include a disliked person in your story.
• The narrator doesn’t die immediately. Instead, he lives long enough to recount the accident to anyone willing to listen.
• The kid knocked it 400 yards and because it landed on the road, and not in the field, it wasn’t a home run.
• Write a true curious tale in which something relevant to your book has gone missing, How could it have been missing, and how could you possibly go on?
• A lifeboat washed up with two skeletons in it.  The First Skeleton popped out and grabbed his own pelvis.  The First Skeleton’s pelvis didn’t belong to him.  The Second Skeleton lunged out and said, “MY pelvis! Now!!”  Your house was haunted by a ghost.  You almost slept with a serial killer.
• A priest, a rabbi, and a blonde woman with green eyes are about to be executed and they’re out on the garden swing together one last time.
• The greatest mystery of all time hangs in the balance, and your friend and you are the only ones capable of solving it, but they, as they say, are M.I.A.
• Imagine you’re at a job interview for a completely absurd job. What job explains everything that’s happened to you?
• No one ever suspected the minister was actually a serial killer. But the numbers just didn’t add up….
• For the next 25 days, post a comment of interest that relates to one of your writing goals, trading spaces for other wants or wishes . Make it fact-based, funny or fiction. Maybe even all three.
• In the firelight preparing dinner over a barbecue the beloved grandfather of the family takes a young girl’s hand in his own and says,
• That night the stars didn’t shine because the moon is full every month. And when it’s not it’s a new moon.
• You encounter the ghost of your favorite actor. There he is in the flesh! You can’t believe your luck. And then he dies all over again and you have to write an article on what he was like.
• Your mother was the whitest woman you’d ever seen. No one’s mother was whiter than yours. Wait? What?
• The story focuses around the things that happened when, with what, who was what, who did what.   Sometimes impossibly forced, sometimes just weird, and other times just slightly funny. The point is to be funny.   Sometimes done by picking 20-50 completely random subjects, then picking out ones that are funny for whatever reason.
• Give me this day my daily bread.  Other stories stem from the imagination to list ideas. These exercises are fun, excitement and great ideas to use as a springboard for stories.  It is all about stopping the gravity of your day. Making your creative mind float up into the clouds with no limitations. To create stories to amuse yourself and anyone who reads them. To write about whatever you like. To write about the people who really interest you. Nothing makes an awkwardly normal person observe and invent rather than someone who is a headliner. Invent your own direction of your story and drive a pit of obstacles. Keep your issues in mind but allow yourself to Spin the idea on its end and make it humorous and crazy fun.  Just talking about writing stories can lead to a great idea or even a character for a story!!
• Ever walked on the sand and couldn’t find the water? Ever walked on water and not been able to find the sand?
• The White Witch is having an important guest over, a scruffy-looking nerdy guy who carries luggage larger than his own body while the creepy yet overdressed butler, dressed in purely white, escorts him to his room. As he disappears down the hall, the White Witch’s daughter walks in to ask her mother innocently where the new guest is staying, wondering if she can play with him. The mother is a bit offended by how this scruffy nerdy guy came to be a guest, and she asks her daughter “Why in the world would he be staying here?”
• My co-worker saved the company from almost certain failure only to have his efforts called into question.
• You’re in a totally haunted and abandoned house that you think is truly beautiful and charming until that really hungry yet relentless Vulture starts to nag you about what already-chewed-on bones you have back there in the cupboard that are just his size and whisper over and over, “Oh-do eat me.”
• While growing up, your dog slept with you in your parent’s bed while they slept in their bedroom. Every night.
• There was no way, no way someone who eats family pets would possibly have eaten my lost hamster. Right?
• Write a story about a ceramic or pewter or lead figurine. Go into great detail about how it was made and how it might come to life.
• In a world where noses were big business, two men vied for dominance. One noseless and the other flawed…
• See what happens when a couple is forced to leave their home by circumstance and the rules and regulations surrounding urban civilizations. The husband eventually ends up building his own home minus a few materials.
• A Silver Scoter is the most annoying bird in the world because even when it is dead people will throw it into a lake.
• Every time the narrator reached the turning point in a tragic story, cash prizes were shot out of a cannon.
• Choose people that you think are particularly familiar with someone who is close to you otherwise maybe a little bizarre.
• So in Havana, this old man yells out, “You so stupid, you had all those Castro’s beat, what’s you firstname?”
• If you use somebody’s accent to the point where they can’t speak at all, and then they decide to just leave before killing you, is it okay to say Black tax, as long as you pay it, but don’t actually take a mason jar down from anywhere and hold it out for them to put a quarter in?
• Write a story that parallels the creation of people and the world in the Bible, beginning with the creation of the universe.
• Honest Abe’s Honest Axe repair shop is across from Honest Abe’s Honest Auto Salvage. It’s across from Honest Abe’s Honest Sporting Goods in a section of the city where there is little honest business. None of us are getting any younger.
• Tell the entire story from the main character’s weakest character flaw if your character is not heroic/has no flaws.
• The quirks and oddities of the world are what make it amazing. Don’t be afraid to explore the strange!
• You have the power to make someone else disappear. You can choose to take someone or the whole world.
• The next time you tell someone to get over it they’ll die. With no one there to bring them back to life.
• She always fell in love with people she shouldn’t and dated guys that were completely wrong for her. And yet, they all had one thing in common. She left you for them.
• For the first time, the award for the worst fiction is awarded to Chuck Wiener. This is not a story about a man named Chuck Wiener, but rather is the story entitled, “Chuck Wiener’s Hair Journey.” “Chuck Wiener’s Hair Journey” will be printed on paper, and will surely be a literary success.
• If lightning bugs had leaders, they would all decamp to my front yard to live and play vigorously in my dark corners.
• A writer, reeling in self-pity over his lack of recognition, searches the nearby woods for some sign of recognition or even a single sapling with his name on it.
• Have a main character that works at a really bad job/preparing clear margaritas at the corner store for a buck.
• “Do you remember when we used to sit up all night and talk and talk and talk about the coolest things? What happened, man? Why aren’t we still talking?”
• What is the funniest short story you have ever written, but really should sell because it’s really funny.
• The new girl doesn’t have a name. Her real name is impossible to pronounce and occasionally she forgets what it is.
• Ages and ages ago, in a galaxy far away, so long ago we didn’t even know when, back when King Arthur ruled Camelot there was a cobbler…
• Have the character use a ridiculously large amount of made-up jargon to describe a situation or event, single-handedly destroying the target’s self-esteem and worldview.
• Your late-friend Johnny was the weirdest person who ever lived. He did the strangest things. Even though you think he was a weirdo, you have to admit, the results were “worth it.”
• It’s a tale with no meaning and no point– yet one that must be told elicits the most sympathetic response.
• Give your character an impossible list of tasks, ridiculous prerequisites, and insane hoops and twirls to jump through. Poetically portray humiliation, the extreme senses of frustration and despair, and/or autism.
• If you build a boat, will it hold up? If you build a raft, will it be water-tight? Are you looking out for me? Breathe. In depth. Exhale.
• What is your ultimate reality television experience? Take Lana Condor On A Blind Date spoof scene from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han for example! What is your ultimate reality television experience?
• Orhan Pamuk, a Turkish writer known for The Black Book, grew up in Kaffeebecher, an Arab neighborhood in Istanbul, where he sold lemonade called “Bean and Istanbul.”
• Nanai is a three-toed sloth who mainly feasts on prickly pear cactus to supplement his protein. He has been waiting for fair share solar panels from the energy company so he can stop eating cactus and start spinning his fiber, like many of the young sloths in his community do.
• Story about movies or books that sound cool when you’re framing the scene but are terrible when you get down to it.
• She was the sweetest girl in the whole wide world, but not a day went by without a peacock trying to ride my bike.
• Unplug everything. Feel your breathing. Slowly have a panic attack. And then plug it in and forget about it.
• Checklist, checklist. What’s something you need to make sure you don’t forget to do on a first date?
• He ran into the mead with a paper in hand. He was an author, not just a writer, but a famous…oh, never mind.
• Professor Dudley says, “No pain-no gain.” Considering this new-old adage, a sailor on a paddleboard
• No one ever went into the old meat processing plant since it closed twenty years ago. But one day someone noticed and followed the little trail of steam coming from the roof. When they got to it they were shocked. The smell of meat and fresh blood made them gag. What they saw was hard to believe at first. What they saw made them vomit. You see, the factory was now run by mad scientist cooks. They use meat that people use to buy. It doesn’t come from there. What they cook is so good people can’t resist the smell. Their main item is called Fainiburger. It is so good it is supposed to change from a gas to a solid. Fainiburger is rolled out into a tent where people buy it to go. People were buying all the meat they could get their hands on. It’s a family operated business that parents love to cater businesses with for birthdays, weddings, you name it. It’s just so popular people can’t get enough.
• Declare pestilence on the previously killer garden gnomes that are now holding your neighbor’s son hostage under your stair step.
• Madness victims are happier than the sane, who just want to get fourteen hours of sleep in one night, without the disruption of yet another “loud noise scare”.
• No one was sure if his mother was pushing the boundaries of time, space, and his mouth just to hear him scream.
• They say curiosity killed the cat. And ever since you got curious about the wrong thing and followed that dog, you’ve regretted every decision you’ve made.
• As Gary Larson did for comics, compose a hyper-stylized, exaggerated prose that mimics the surface qualities of a very different kind of writing.
• That expression on your face, bemused and awry, one side of your mouth curling up in a mocking half-smile. The blind rage upon seeing my drawings, my close-guarded secrets, the pieces of my heart laid bare, stained in carbon soot.
• You’re not a real shifter until you’ve had your skin eaten off, your body drained of blood, and had your eyeballs pecked out by a crow.
• Travel back in time to observe a historical event, alive and in person. Use your knowledge of the future to influence the outcome of said event.
• Just after his mother had died, he saw the apparition next to him with her arms outreached. Good thing it was seen through the webcam of his computer.
• We demolished a small, defenseless, sandcastle and the world crushed us like it crept up on a surprise party.
• What if every word you wrote was written in pineapple upside-down cake? Would anything make any sense?
• Write a funny poem. This could be a parody on Old King Cole, or another famous poem. You might want to try to whole Sonnet 43 nevertheless inquire of me…
• You’ve had moments of Clarity. A heightened awareness that gives you the sense that you have your feet on solid ground. But for the most part, you meander, unsure of your place. With a slight sense of fear, you’ve built walls around yourself and your heart, using your past experiences as bricks. But at this best, you are Chaotically Neutral… photographic proof.
• 1. Africa Revisited  – ‘On civilizing Western civilization, African masks, cold weather and the skull’ – Makgoba
• A man went into a shop, asked for “six back scratchers.” Mentioned ticks. “Been bitten by a dog recently?” he asked. So he asked for a “pea shooter” to “blow all those ticks away.” He said this at an old-fashioned general store. They sold everything from guns and paints to “tack and feed.” “Geesh,” says Bob. “This puppy will blow every one of those ticks right out of their blood.” Lermontov Palmerrell was able to shoot all the ticks away with a pea shooter.
• Make the reader think the story is going to follow a straight line, when, in fact, you’re going to take it on a sharp left turn.
• As he drifted off, he pinched his wife’s leg until she hit him on the belly. “Hey!” she said. “That’s not a good idea.” He said, “I was swimming and my head fell off.”
• Fiona Smythe, a four year old lives whenever her father isn’t around. Once he’s blessedly gone, she transforms into her evil knock-off of Barbie. One afternoon, her father is just about to head out to a business meeting, so he asks her to give him a kiss for luck. The request, of course, makes Fiona sick. Instead, she tells him that Holiday Barbie will kiss him on the cheek instead of “dry rubbing her lips”. Disgusted, the father leaves. The audience expects this story to go down a typical road. But no, when Dad returns home a few hours later thinking he’d made a major business deal, the father is met with a post-it note which says, “I need a bigger attic”. It turns out that, for her “treat”, Fiona took a pretty BB gun and did some barrel racing with a broom handle. Thus, the note.
• Write the story of someone who’s really, really good at PowerPoint. Even in an era of Google and Twitter, their slides are so good, the audience is hypnotized.
• Think of the space capsule scene in “Wrath of Khan” and what ensues when a man with healthy “curiosity” and a few jumplings of plunk get together.
• Imagine your laundry folder is a person. Cool, yet annoying. So you dump them out in a single heap and they jumble around like an angry drunk.
• During the Time of Gray, no one dared voice their true thoughts in public or in private. It took courage to gain new knowledge.
• A New York caveman was trying to spelunk, but could not climb up because he had a belly. So he yelped as loud as he could…then a few minutes later, his buddy dropped him a ladder. That’s not real real, but so real it’s real.
• Go inside your car and write. Give all the details – make it like no one else could have experienced this exact thing.
• Until society is prepared to accept its place within the natural order and begin setting reasonable goals for alternatives, there is no choice but to rely on the perpetuation of primitive and environmentally atrocious technologies like nuclear power.
• Write about how you woke from the most fascinating dream just to find yourself in the most boring situation you’ve ever been in!
• Tell it all. Do not be sensitive.   Trust the reader to catch only the essentials of your story while filling in the gaps. Embrace the fact that there is so much more to understand and experience than you will ever write.
• After reading these, breathe out or exhale. Still holding your finger against the key, remove your finger and look through them! Breathe out and then do this 2 more times.  See what happens.
• The longer you looked at your face, the longer you were convinced a monkey could do a better job, but he was an idiot.
• Make the thread exactly the right size to fit through the hole, and then turn it one thousand times to the right as you enter the hole… from which things currently come out.
• Why did the poet love his cabin in the woods so much? He simply loved it more than anything else in the woods.
• The terraforming is a certainty the simulations proved it. Nothing could go wrong, we planned for every eventuality. You can’t hide in spilled milk.
• Sometime in the future, a human might fall in love with a robot and other pieces of monumental fiction.
• A bear, a car, a tire, a wheel and a turkey walk into a bar. Sounds a lot like the start of a joke. But it’s no joke when the turkey comes in shooting. And the only joke you get out of it is the one on your tombstone.
• You haven’t spoken to your father in a very long time. He has been remanded to the sub-basement laundry facilities for the past several years and forced to tend to the mundane needs of the wealthy. You are ready to go see him and release him from the duties of the laundry worker.
• You’re distracted by a magnificent sunset. Succumbing to its warm and welcoming glow, your thoughts begin to drift apart as you become enchanted by the burning blue hue that dances in the sky.
• That hidden side of yourself that usually doesn’t get displayed in everyday company has to be hidden no more because the surprise party your spouse has planned for you is sneaking up on you and it’s going to be occupying every corner of your house, so, get in harmony with yourself…cause it is all out now.
• Things lay broken and forgotten, scattered as if a storm had swept through somewhere, regretting di…
• Everyone can be silent and noisy at the same time. You just need to have earbuds that are plugged into your ears…
• There are times when you write for the world to see, and then there are times when you write to see if the words will fit.
• There once was a man from Nantucket, who had a whack of almonds, and a lady from Racine, who couldn’t disarm him.
• A pleasant stroll, or maybe a marathon run is what you usually experienced on your bike tour around your neighborhood and imagined on your couch in front of the TV.
• A very hot summer day, as you laid your head on her lap, she told you a long, sad story which you never forgot. She was buried in a seaside grave, with her action figures never to be played with again.
• How many Jifs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three! One to unscrew the world, one to screw the future, and one to screw the future back on. Or you could just add all your Jifs together…
• A Greek chorus of a dozen people stand behind you one by one and speak 2 lines. It is irrelevant as to what they say. It is merely the sound of their voices.
• You are asleep within a dream, within another dream, within another dream, within another dream, within another dream, within another dream, within another dream…
• Three little pigs.  Pop! Goes the first pig’s house!  Pop! Goes the second pig’s house!  Whoops! There goes the big bad wolf…  Oh, no…Not the third little pig’s house.
• I spent all night cleaning up blood from the lobby. It was hard to get out of the cracks of the floor.
• A ship was floating in the water far below the mountains with hope in the captain’s eyes. Here it comes. One second. One…
• One of these days is sadly about to be your last. Unless you can think up a quick and clever ending.
• An important lesson for all authors who wish to create scenes of tension – make your characters talk about the farthest thing from the trouble at hand.
• Freeze time for 2 minutes. When the timer goes off, you’ll be one month older. What does the future hold for you?
• While you were away on holiday, your aunt decided to redecorate your living room in red and white and where your couch used to be is now a large bird cage.
• Einstein never wore greetings. Mohandas Gandhi never wore pants. Amelia Earhart never wore underwear.
• Have your main character wake up to themselves having done something absolutely and totally different from your previous work.
• If you could go back in time and witness the birth of anything or anyone, what would it be? What would the circumstance be, what year would it be back to? Where would you be, …?
• The Most Interesting Man in the World explains why all flags are bad and go 170 kilometers per hour in 45 seconds.
• Deconstructing the pro wrestling persona – make the wrestler into a non-wrestler and tell why that character became a non-wrestler.
• When your TV makes too much noise while on the phone, you need a remote that allows you to effectively bat at the volume control.
• You’re playing your cosmic stereo and tripped over a sidewalk crack. That’s strange. There had never been one there before.
• A journal between two friends, one who lost his wife in a car accident and one who has just admitted a one night stand after she told him she is starting to see someone else.
• You live in an average world. There is nothing special about the world you inhabit. Something or someone will come along to show you that there is.And this last one has always been a favorite of mine. It comes from video games. That’s right. VIDEO GAMES!
• You got off the bus in the morning and greeted your friend with, “Hi, Napping! Did you have a good napp?! Ha ha! Keep on sleeping and your dreams will come true.”
• Desperately searching for what idiot lost your pet bunny.  The little tyke was wearing an army helmet too. What was he training for?
• Hansel and Gretel were lost, children’s bones were forgotten next to the four day old ash of the campfire.
• One, two, Freddy’s coming for you. — Slight variation on the above creepypasta prompt, “Five Tries Not to Wake up”
• Junk was gold in California. People would pay top prices just to have back whenever they thought the world was about to end.
• It has been said that the element of surprise is very important in horror novels. Surprise works extremely well and is oftentimes one of the most powerful tools in horror writing. The element of surprise will help pack a more powerful emotional punch.
• And that was that. Abraham Lincoln had saved the country once again, thus realizing his mother’s dream of him becoming President.
• Your name will be mispronounced all your life, people will get it wrong and you can’t seem to make them stop.
• Write an elevator pitch for a killer morphological virus that eats human bones. No. Make that human flesh.
• There was a man they sent to a giant rocket! But something was wrong with the world. Something was definitely wrong.
• Mom and Dad always loved you best. You were the one they called on to make decisions and rescue them from challenging and inconvenient situations. Be careful…they may be the reason you’re in prison and can’t call your own family.
• You carry the love of your life with you everywhere you go. Unfortunately, she dies every day at midnight. It’s worse than a story in a book.
• This is more of an art technique. You pick a cool or funny sentence and then crop Griff before while typing it or doing something.
• Only humans could take over natural resources for ourselves leaving behind a mess for another species.
• You win some, you lose some. When Tagore’s car breaks down during a family vacation his life takes a turn for the worst but is it more than that. Will the sale of a winning lottery ticket unravel even harder times ahead or is it the answer he is looking for?
• Write without letting the pencil ever touch the paper. Have the fingers glide across the page as you type.
• You are sealed in a room that is temperature controlled perfectly. You can never be too cold or too warm, but you are not allowed to leave.
• Your life was in black and white. You were used to the setting, and you liked it that way. Then one day you discovered there was a color channel you had completely missed out on. What would you see with a color camera now that you’re no longer entirely shielded from color…?
• Write about a time despite a nagging voice in the back of your head you did something crazy and insane.
• Interrogate your lawn mower. Praise him for launching the first successful lawn mower satellite at the feverish apex of his mechanical orgasm.
• There once was a woman who was so attractive, four men were fighting to their deaths for the right to marry her, but the question was…. Which one would she choose?
• Dogs eat homework. It’s what they do. Period. End of sentence. The end. The era of the Thompson family.
• I saw a cockroach skittering up your arm to your shoulder. Don’t be scared. I’ll grab it and put it outside.
• Your father’s wealth and popularity have meant you one thing so far—privilege. Is that where your laundry list of qualifications end? Or have a few gaps gone unfilled?
• The Iceman Prank. Buy an 1/8 of weed then go to the freezer. Make all your friends think the weed is just covered in ice. Wake them up, and the Iceman will have come and gone.
• Think about someone you know who is either really short, really tall, or really fat. Have him/her walk into the room.
• Arthur was a child of fantasy and truth. Not often could he tell the difference, thus his name, which seemed fitting.
• Everyone else is a redbird and you’re a robin. What happened, how can they all be redbirds and you be a robin?
• Everyone thought you were Egyptian. But it turned out you were just a little black boy whose father was a dentist for the Egyptian royal family.
• Something old… Something new… Something borrowed… Something gray… The time he slipped on a banana skin and broke his leg. The dress she wore on her first date with him. They taught the millionaire to sing his last will and testament.
• What happens when you put the world’s grumpiest man in front of a mirror, and let him complain and moan about his life for ninety minutes…?
• And the following prompts are about more common submissions, and my feeling is that they did not deserve an accept, however funny stories.
• Somebody worked really hard drawing something on your face or body. Emphasize how impressed you are that they drew a dinosaur on you, or a plane, or a flower, or a penis, or a pot leaf. It has to have love in the work, of course, and detail. You’ll realize this as the story builds.
• Your school was so boring you decided to explode it. In the end this resulted in you getting expelled.
• Things the stars say. Things that wouldn’t disturb, but wouldn’t exactly lull you to sleep at night.
• Let go of every single bit of sanity you ever had and go completely insane. Hold on to hope and don’t let go of it.
• When there was nothing but sand in the brick, you had to pick up one of the bricks. Maybe it was my brick? Was my brick the one picked up last?
• An astronaut landed and grew tomato plants. If he sees another astronaut do the same, what would he think?
• Every so often, Mr. Grant comes into the break room and does an impression of Clifford Pearson’s grandmother who answers the phone at her nursing home that badly, and you notice that Meeka is terribly upset.
• It seems only yesterday we had a family of wolves, a family of mice, a family of mice that lived in a wolf, a bulldog and a cat that lived in a bank.
• After nearly destroying his village, the Lazy Prince makes sure not to repeat the same mistakes again.
• When bored at a convention, one is advised to see the before and after photos. That should liven things up.
• Two co-workers ran into each other they hadn’t seen in a while. “Good to see you,” they greet. Then one says a little sarcastically . . .
• At the murder trial, the prosecutor said that the victim had 30 stab wounds but bite marks showed that 42 teeth to be involved. The murderer confessed, but said that it was a “joint effort”.
• They warned him not to eat the fiddle player, but he did not listen. He did, of course, get sick. Everything in…
• Throw your main character in a situation that is completely wrong and confusing for him/her. His/her normal behavior will seem very out of place.
• Exactly how it sounds—nonsense punctuation. Bold and italic letters if you prefer, use as many words as you wish, be as silly as you want… just make it nonsense.
• Cold and brittle bark, the delicate touch and the delicate scent. Her hands and lips were mine. Hers and she would not be comforted.
• I tried bondage, but you don’t get quite the same screams from younger women after removing their clothes.
• If you find a way to fulfill your wish or dream would you stop wishing or dreaming? Or would you make the most of it?
• A computer woke up in a new millennium, asked itself “where am I?” and answered “Negative Space.” God was not there.
• Every action hero story needs a protagonist who needs help getting their suit on. What’s your story?
• Make something funny out of reality. Maybe you want to make a laughing stock of yourself, or you might just want to share the humdingers of reality.
• 3. Next, find an oddity in the story. Something out of place from what should normally be the case. Ask it to tell you the story. Place the story back in the box and take it somewhere completely different. Pluck out a new story of the absurdity of the first in some bizarre variant.
• This one is great because it gives you the opportunity to tap into a deep, dark place in your soul and create a detestable Exceeder with one simple adjective…
• Frodo realised as he walked down the final stretch of the yellow-brick road that it might not have been quite as easy as all that being the last ring bringer.
• The woman three houses down has been staying up until three in the morning knitting mittens for kittens.
• A one-armed man is shooting dice with God. God always wins. The one-armed man does not understand why.
• Why did the chicken cross the road? Why?  You better know the answer to that philosophical question, or you are going to die.
• Start worse and make it progressively worse until it’s extremely out of whack and you suddenly get a happy ending. Springtime for Hitler.
• Think specifically and thoroughly about the last helicopter you saw. Then the last car you saw with its lights off. The last bag of bird seed.
• Look both ways before you cross. No one cares about the people or the dog that crosses against the light. If you want to stay alive, you need to know where they are.
• The woman’s shoulder blades brushed against one another whenever she stretched her arms above her head
• A few of these prompts are more for free writing exercises than for actual stories, but either way they both have potential to inspire your creativity. If you have TONS of ideas flowing about your prompt, zip up your overalls and start writing! If you’re still looking for some fresh inspiration, don’t worry. You’ll be able to get a lot out of these so keep reading!
• The kick is a novelist, struggling to cope with a bad writing day. Unfortunately, she has no idea how to solve this problem. Her Muse has abandoned her, and every word she types expends more agony on her and less on the keyboard. There is no spell for this. There are no charms or potions that will bring the Muse back to her. So, she gets creative.
• This list is a good way to begin when you don’t know what else to write. It gets the creative juices flowing and can open up new events to put in your flash fiction.
• As long as a character has multiple dimensions to him or herself, it can be funny to throw in an eclectic mix of traits. Just when a reader thinks you’ve made a character’s outlook on life clear cut by developing her beyond the generic-ness, toss in a personality trait that prevents such a judgment.
• The person who gives you the most rhetorical questions about your life is the one who divulged information best saved for yourself.
• A kid whose father owned the local book store dresses up as the Sesame Street icon and blocks the aisle hock
• Just when you thought you couldn’t make use of laughter yoga. This book will open your heart,…
• Cats act like real cats and are the best all around pets. Dogs act like we would expect and better adapt to a modern society. Explain how boring this would be.
• Little old me, lost in the city. Feeling crushed by the magnitude of it all, the cold, hard concrete. Oh, better yet. The city was frozen in a thick layer of snow, making every movement sound heavy. It was the city’s yearly tradition to remain encased in ice, adding on to the city’s beauty and making everyone provide one another with warmth of all kinds… After all, we needed to move forward from the ice age.
• Tell us a story of a true heartbreak. Or you could talk about how that one time Jim chose Sue over me for the basketball team going to the state championship almost got me a heart attack.
• No matter how popular some other brand might be,  there was none better and more loved than the one you were using.
• Turn your antagonist into a godly complex being, and pretend to be winning the battle for all of five minutes. Then get beaten by a fifteen-year-old boy driving a borrowed car.
• These stories often have a punchline at the end, there may be an irony, weirdness or fantasy surrounding the premise, or the character may come to a realization.
• A bird falls from the sky and into your soup. You scream and jump out of your chair, food and broth tumbling to the floor. The maid misunderstands and burns down your house.
• You have unbelievably super powers. Seriously, you can make anything possible. How do you squander them away?
• Thanatos, my boyfriend, just broke up with me. He saw me with Keith at the Winter Carnival. Even though Keith has a mohawk, gold teeth and a skull and crossbones dimestore ring. Even though I’ve never even liked Thanatos in that way.
• On a clear, cold day, the sky is blue. If it is in the middle of summer, the sky can smell like butter melted into hot toast. On this sort of day, you think that there will be corn.
• Flip a coin, heads or tails? Both phrases mean either, and the reader just keeps flipping the coin back and forth.
• If you have a funny story, but you’re at a loss for how to actually write it, you might try writing a paragraph pretending it’s a very serious story. And then go through and periodically, CONSCIOUSLY write the funnier version of the same thing. My advice is…  to take a break from writing for a while and sort of have a little fun with what you’ve written. Don’t let yourself take it too seriously. Think of it as entertainment.  If your writing style lends itself more to humor, then let yourself go and enjoy yourself.
• Some stories are being told at dinner-time. Somewhere in the world. Some for the first time. Someone somewhere is listening for the first time. And someone else somewhere is listening for the last time.
• Oxymoron! The Wag Bag.   Also, look up this link! It’s a great website, but there’s so many great links included in Wikipedia that it baffles me how many can fit in there! It’s important to look at this page too if you’re a beginner! It’ll teach you terminology!
• My parents were involved in a cult, and there’s this ritual they performed where they sacrificed me.
• Have you heard the one about the person who just sat around and killed time all the time? One day…
• The letter is a lie. You may be a better writer than you think. Consider each sentence to be a letter, each paragraph a word, each chapter a paragraph, each book a chapter. Pulling those words apart you see meaning and find original story ideas in the same manner.
• This is your captain speaking, we will be experiencing some slight turbulence for the next five minutes. Please remain seated and keep your seatbelts fastened.
• Divorce isn’t easy, especially when trying to divide up all your pent-up rage. Good luck untangling these plots.
• A war has destroyed the human race leaving only robots, molded to look human. Now there is a war between the dark and light robots.
• The devil goes to at least one parent-teacher conference every year, and sometimes they even make him feel guilty.
• In order to get to the garden party, she would have to negotiate 1,967 miles of tunnels before emerging into the sunlight.
• You put on a wig and head on a quick trip to the store. You forgot your wallet, but they have it on camera, so you decide you won’t mind paying. As you exit, you see the curtain fall and hear the dial tone in the background of the camera shop.
• If a character is mentioned in one section of the story, then he or she must be cast as a character who speaks a great deal later in the narrative.
• Imagine you are a copywriter for a clothing store. Your task is to come up with some made-up sign slogans.
• Jimmy raised an ear to the lamp light to play. He could feel it loosening, maybe he could make it fall.
• A car stopped at a red light. It was a robot car. The lights turned green, but the car didn’t move. When the car was about to get a ticket, the light turned to yellow, to orange and the car hurried away.
• There once was a pirate who made out with a mermaid’s wet Wardrobe. From that day forth, he was covered in scales, and started swinging a noose around.
• The dog’s name was confusing. It looked like it was supposed to be a newly created dog ending in the suffix -y, but the dog instead ended with the suffix -day. And, to top it all off, the dog did not look like a dog.
• Another Sunday, another family argument about hair. A haircut of disproportionately epic proportions that not only divides a family, it hermetically seals them off from others and the outside world.
• A deaf person hears a knock at the door and opens it to find a race of others who live without doors.
• You didn’t look at my test grade right away. You placed the test in your backpack and went fishing.
• Make someone feel something. It can be an emotion. It can be the feeling of something. And it should lead to the next feeling. Feelings are lead. – Joss Whedon, an earlier TV writer with an earlier success on one of those small messaging things.
• Be cool. Like nothing’s wrong. Of course your then wife is not going to meet you. Why would she? You took the dog you love. Kimmy, the Chihuahua and your credit cards, car and your money. You can always borrow money from your buddy Owen. That’s what friends are for. You think you are at his house. You woke up one morning just an hour ago and came right here. You were at a party and his neighbors came over for a party. You hung out until it was time to go to work. But you don’t think you work. Yet you went to your bank and tried to withdraw money out. But the money wasn’t there. What is going on? You get up to leave. Go to his living room and you try to call Noel. But you can’t get through. She is not answering. You have a wife Sidney and a daughter Marie. You dated once. But you left what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. At the moment you wish you never stepped foot into the city. This is too strange.
• I finally lost the last stubborn 10 pounds the week before my husband deployed. By the time he came back, I’d gained it all back and then some.
• You’re stuck on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere, with an iPad that never runs out of power and creates online jobs for you to do.
• I’ve always wanted to work with children. They are so innocent and vulnerable. Timmy is my first. Isn’t he darling?
• I lay down on a meadow, looked up at the sky and sensed there was something out there in the background.
• What is the last thing left in your fridge that is particularly delicious/mutant/vicious when preserved?
• There have been many articles, books, and many other creative works and compilations of comedic writing prompt ideas.
• Think of a belief about how the world works and write a story embodying the belief, then tell a story that says the opposite.
• A meteor destroys the Earth and turns everything–including one of the characters–to dust. Whether the dust remembers being made of people is up to you.
• An even funnier version is that the more things change, the more they stay the same…no one would suspect something was amiss with the status quo.
• He cares for his patients with a sincere and serious demeanor, and he is obsessed with caramel popcorn.
• Humor is in everything, even in a research writing– as Clotho always knew. Just by taking a couple of minutes or even a whole semester to look for a literary device, your paper will be funny. Why? Because…well, excuse me, but you were looking and Clotho approves of that effort.
• Hum, Um, Umm, Ahh… those were the only noises that existed before the great ‘Eu’n’ to begin existence.
• Someone dies, and their ghost lingers on, not able to cross over until the person responsible,” takes ownership” of the mistake and apologizes.
• The tricky thing with a word is that you keep using it the more you use it, the more you have to keep using it until it loses all of it’s mystery and nuance, and the more it stands for what it means and the more it doesn’t stand for what it means.
• The terrible things youngsters with the best intentions do not only to their bodies, but also their minds.
• Cue bedtime story, The Princess and the Pig. One characteristic of a princess is that they are beautiful. This describes Dawn, the princess in the Hunter family. She is just about as
• Humor is delicate. Laughing at a story only happens if one buys into all the elements of a story. This happens when everything works, if all the pieces fit together.
• The Sith created a vacuum-sealed, pressure-cooked chamber that conserves foods’ freshness while dropping their caloric content.
• For two days you and your friends have traveled across unexplored land. A cry of warning guides you as you see two large mountains on the horizon. Over the next four hours you spy nearly 17 different creatures, some you’ve never seen before.
• Suffer the little children. Let them suffer. Just pour the gasoline and strike the match. Feed the fire until it burns to your fingertips and beyond.
• In the worst of times, there is good. In the best of times,there is bad. The number of bad times as the number of good times will tell you just how good or bad life is.
• And lastly the romantic prompt. This can work in all areas of love. A crush/love is always fun to write about.
• Each time the mother checked on her child’s progress in writing, she found an addition to the story. The change was small and subtle but the words took on a sinister tone and a darker scene played out within the pages. Read more HERE . There’s no better time than Halloween to read something spooky.
• I’m a single girl in New York City who is very satisfied with her life and doesn’t need a boyfriend.
• Imagine a world in which people can read and write without actually learning how. The entire language is pre-programmed into people from birth and cannot be changed. They learn how words fit together by watching TV. Imagine a whole society like that.
• You’re in an alternate timeline in which you have to get from A to B to save the world. You’ve got one hour.
• Everyone you knew was an accountant. Steven loved accountants. He was seventeen. His father said, “Be an accountant, son. Work isn’t as much fun when you smooth out the numbers for a living.” So, Steven smoothed out the numbers for a living. It was billed as his lifelong dream. Until, one day, Steven was completely, absolutely and utterly bored. His secretary, an incredibly attractive French Exchange student, Mimi, grudgingly handed out thick piles of paperwork. Steven reported her to human resources. It wasn’t her disgust that compelled him so much as her complete and unconditional love of his miserable work life. He hired her out of desperation. For no reason but to relieve her suffering, Steven committed a small infraction on his tight little scale of morality. It felt good.
• You know the drill people. To all the great people who contributed so far , thanks once again for your time, trouble and talent. Keep on ’em coming.
• Each night you buried part of a body in the backyard. The body parts would be right there in the morning with you, with no sign of digging.
• What is hidden in the closet? A monster? A creature from your imagination? The memory of your mother’s hands when she tucked you in when you were little? Maybe it’s nothing…
• You had a jar of cookies. You opened one to make sure they were fresh but… they weren’t. That jar was fresh as your grandmother’s pie crusts!
• The Fiddler on the Roof story is a nice one to do if you want a long story with some foolishness and a touch of magic.
• A man’s fingers on his right hand are amputated. Only his thumb remains.  He uses it to give advice by saying, “Use your thumb. It’s more clever than the other fingers.”
• If you like these story prompts, please share any favorite funny-story-telling-prompts that you have.
• This is a great list of jokes and funny stories you can use to practice your oral storytelling. And as a member of Story Club, you get unlimited access to this and even more. So sign up today to help your telling skills blossom!
• Someone attacked you with odorant cologne/perfume that smells horrific. You faked illness so you wouldn’t have to wait until the scent went off.  The attackers came to give you a treatment that cleared out your sinuses so the smell could be inhaled through them.
• The pencil refused to be sharpened, chipping its point instead of yielding to the knife each and every time.  It would have been more appropriate to sharpen the knife, or at least the pencil taking the most logical action to avoid being sharpened but that is not how it happened.
• It escalated from a simple party prank, into a brawl, into a gun fight, into a city-wide scourge.  Bobsled Team Nitrocide broke their sponsor’s blockade in an attempt to find a better look.
• Write eight lines of dialogue between two people. First person speaks four beats and the other person speaks three.
• Theodore is a dominatrix. One night, her parents walk in on her getting goodies from the guy next door.
• The 91 bus picks up and drops off at various local places. One time, a local place was an old folks’ home.
• Joan and John were in their kitchen. They had dinner waiting for them. But they forgot to set a place for Bill.
• The old man at the end of the driveway found the bodies and the dog. He didn’t do anything about it. He lived down the block and down the street from every neighbor on the street. And everyone knew that the old man followed people with his eyes down and up, down and up. Everyone knew that the old man was not to be trusted.
• Every time you do something well, every time you praise someone, first think about your satisfaction right after he finishes when no one is looking.
• The professor asked the question and she sat there, her hand raised, finger poised and ready, waiting for a moment to shine. She didn’t know she was supposed to speak. But she wanted to be the best student…ever after all.
• The only thing more disheartening than someone not liking you is the thought of them knowing you don’t like them.
• This is a type of short story frequently found in stand-up comedy. You list a few abnormal points, then finish with the punch-line that ties them together. This family rock collection was a complete load.
• You know how that imaginary friend you made up when you were little stars coming for you late at night.
• Imagine how different your life would be if a few things had a different outcome or someone made a different choice.
• Run someone over without getting caught. The terms of the contract are this, you will have to disguise or conceal the accident.
• In one night, you could be best friends with babies, elderly, bosses, high school and college siblings. No judgments. An equal opportunity grub.
• It seemed a shame to use these prompts on your day-to-day work. You might want to wait for a day that you have a looming, not-dealt-with issue. It can turn out to be a powerful tool in helping you see a new side to a problem and potentially solve this issue more easily. It can also be demoralizing to see a problem solve itself immediately with resolving some sort of less-than-intimidating issue.
• Stretching? She’s been practising how to crack her bones to make them longer and stretchy like rubber bands since she was a child.
• Write a character profile of yourself. What’s your epic flaw? What impression do people have of you?
• The sight of a white rose in bloom left the villagers speechless and senseless. One spindly blossom was white. One plant, in all the village, had produced a white rose. The villagers had seen white flowers before, but always in person. Never in the art form, because the white heather and albiflora were not flowers. This single, perfect blossom was no more than a mirage, but nothing so horrible could bring the people of this village to their knees.
• Where does the lost city that never existed in the middle of Europe of a desolate country that had been torn apart by war stand?
• You’re a trolley. You have to follow the rail. If you veer off the tracks a voice shouts, “You’re going the wrong way, trolley!”
• The kid across the street has fallen from grace, but did the kid across the street fall hard enough?
• Two nine-year-old girls were whispering about their mother when one said, “I think it’s such a shame that Mom has to work. She doesn’t even notice what any of us are wearing.”
• Two guys and one girl must decide who is going to break up with who in order to save everybody’s self-esteem.
• The urge to fit the story into the shape of the prompt is as strong in the author as it is in the story editor.
• Your total is six twenty-two but you had loose change and only one bill which amounted to six dollars and twenty-two cents. Which item would you purchase?
• Your two thousand monkeys are going crazy and you can’t keep them on task. They’re everywhere on every site giving out spoilers and secrets.
• Your elementary school teacher and your best friend get in a giant fight. They call out each other’s weaknesses and failures, and just before the teacher is about to tell your friend he’s a fraud, your friend interrupts.
• Ending It needs not be said, but all of the following are very open ended. Your choices are unlimited. This is an opportunity to produce your own original fiction.
• Use in a character’s name something that is anatomically wrong, but which everyone refuses to see as incorrect.
• We’ve all done something weird when we think we aren’t being watched. Write about it and post it in a public space. See what happens!
• PETA sent you their monthly newsletter in the mail one day. Did you know they recreate the slaughter of your steak?
• Ask questions to get back at an enemy. There are only two ways he can answer with both being negative.
• Starting with “The little Red Hen” tells a story making the effort of the heroes the hardest thing imaginable.
• The Flintstones versus the Jetsons. What if Josie worked at a lingerie store and Pebbles wanted to buy some lingerie but she doesn’t have any money. So Steve makes it so the Jetsons can get free lingerie? What happens next?
• A magician is never late because he gets there twice. –Arkan Gus……. My favorite story is the one about the magician.
• You wake up and discover you’re the only person left on Earth. How will you maintain the power grid? What are you going to eat, if anything at all?
• It was a bright mountain day, but on the top of this cliff it was lonely, cold, and windy. An eagle could have circled and landed, but no one would have ever known the difference.
• Sometimes we forget to think. Thinking a pretty big word. A lot of people don’t really know how to use it.
• Write a scene where the last survivor of the human race returns to find everyone long gone. What does he do to get through the day? What reminds him of people? What does he miss about his fellow man?
• You were coming home from school one day. You were behind a house, sitting on a hill. You noticed clothes hanging on the line. You wondered if, instead of jeans and skirts, they wore socks.
• Teacher- One day you have a frog and you put it in a blender, and you can make frog smoothies. BLARGH~ That’s what you should use the blender for instead of drinks.
• What if you discovered a secret restaurant? And not just any secret restaurant but a secret restaurant with really good food.
• A unicorn walks into a bar, points to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a beer, and no one better speak or look at me!”
• Pick one object and one emotion. Have your character act out that emotion through the use of this object.
• Write about an anonymous character. No names, no description of the character, just write the events of the day as if you were this person.
• Once upon a time there was a progressive left-wing liberal chick enamored by socialist/leftist ideologies.
• You drink your favorite drink, and when no one is looking, and there’s a drip of liquid left at the bottom of the cup… you quietly eat it!
• A man walks into a bar and sits down. “I’d like to get some wine.” The bartender replies, “You’re out of luck. There is no wine in this bar.”
• You’re the new girl in town, and you don’t know what food to eat. Soylent Green? Peak Purple? Purple Flavored Soylent Green?
• Add some food coloring to your drink. Neck it in about thirty seconds. Then act completely oblivious as your friends try to point out that orange soda does not come with blue straws.
• Take 2 very different characters with an unlikely pairing and drop them into a common situation, great conversation, or funny setting.
• Explain to others what is going on in a beautiful way, that you understand as clear as day, but the others can not understand because they aren’t thinking like you, and vice versa.
• You’re at a lonely motel on a dark night in Texas. Open up the kind of horrors you’d expect and the circumstances surrounding the same.
• -Each character has one weapon, one piece of armour, one accessory, and one special skill. It’s a dungeon-crawler game, and you’ll need to roll dice to beat the monsters each round.
• You’re in the garden swearing at the neighbours cat. It’s just run off with your favourite pot plant. And you’ve got a very rare, pure white, orchid in there. You can’t believe that he’s stolen your expensive orchid, this special blossom indeed! “CAT!” you yell! “Did you take my orchid! He runs off with the cutest little grin! “Cat.” you scream!” He never learned his lesson, not even once, that sneaky cat.
• In the sea were several huge rectangular sea-veggies. They had been married for several months and were arguing about things in their life.
• Your grandmother had to explain, show and tell to your father because he thought it would be something physical that he could do instead of just talking.
• All of history, well the first forty second of it. The history of an entire world… condensed into forty two seconds… And you could not read lips, but you knew everything… and you were present.
• Our five year old neighbor/friend, or whoever you’d like, died in a tragic accident. Circa 1990, say.
• Larry would be home early every Tuesday. For years this went on silently. Tonight was his first Tuesday coming home.
• You need to isolate the main character. Take your main character out of where he first appeared and put him/her/they in an entirely different time or place.
• Remember when you were younger, how you had to wear those ugly clothes your mum and dad bought you.   Enjoy those days because now you’re too old and don’t want to wear them.
• BUT WAIT. We’re getting ahead of ourselves. This only covers the beginning. This only covers the first bit of the story. As the story goes on, you will become more and more immersed in the story. You will have bigger problems to deal with, and that will change everything. Simultaneously your protagonist will develop and improve herself. The deeper she gets into the story, the more immersed she will become. The more she immerses herself in the story, the more it consumes her life. The more it consumes her life, the harder it is to immerse herself anymore. And… you get the idea.
• And the creature spoke of a place where he could find me…. In the warm glow of his eyes…. It soothed my worries…
• Then a small bird landed on his window sill and pecked at the egg for what must have been hours, days maybe even weeks. Another appeared, then a third. Before he knew it he had a whole flock of birds. Which one of them started pecking first, he couldn’t be sure. — Hills Behind the Hills
• Sometimes staying in bed seemed like the best option. The hot water was so, so, so deliciously inviting. What a mighty quandary…to take a bath and reflect upon the warm wax structured layers of Cthulhu that impregnated the many dimensional universe.
• Your story must include a parent of yours… Who must in the beginning, seem like the most intimidating, or bossiest parent in the world. Deep into the story, you reveal that your dad just likes cookies.
• Gravel and tar make a peculiar red, the color of dried blood. The red makes the deserted town feel like a crime scene from a t.v. show.
• Waking up in the middle of the night you notice that a small, circular cleaning device is hovering directly above you. Brandishing a small broom, the device begins to work.
• When you told your sister about the pee covered toilet seat you stubbed your toe on she laughed. She just didn’t want you to accidentally tell your mom. So then you told your mom and she goes, “This is why you need a cat.”
• Several months after his dad died, Travis Hanson’s mom asked him to dig out the frozen ground in the flower bed and replace the barren dirt that their landscaper had spread. It was way too late into the year for planting new flowers, but Travis wanted to comply anyway. Besides, the whole summer before Dad had laid out plans to spread new over the old which had withered and died. He really appreciated the attention she was giving things around the old house. This was one of the first steps on their road back to healing.
• I get the junk, like what comes at the bottom of a Christmas tree. Not the pretty, caramel colored hard candy, but the rock hard sticks of sugar, faded red and green swirl candy canes, broken toffee candy bits, and the occasional Gummy bear.
• At night when everyone else was asleep, she would cry in her pillow so no one could hear her. When she was done, she would go to sleep crying. Her bed would be a little damp. If anyone were to lie next to her, it would be damp, too.
• There was a small boy who had a special hanky, one with magical powers.  The hanky knew the boy only had 12 days to live.
• When you pause to think about life and death, you realize something strange. A pause may make your life epic.
• Me and my friends were lost in an enchanted forest. We wandered for hours and hours until we couldn’t take it anymore. We finally stumbled upon the moon
• Explain brilliant commentary during a movie that the patrons had hated due to the movie theater being empty.
• People used to stop and stare at the paintings in the hallway, but by the end of the month, they still did.
• Another day, another death, another invitation into an unbelievably realistic TV world. You climbed in, twice as dyed as everyone and not worried about it all. Why?
• A diligent husband is about to hurl when he realizes he will have to tell his sweet bride-to-be that their house is infested with – what else – termites.
• Write a story that involves a character whose nose is two different colors who is brought in to solve your problem.
• Noah gathers animals of every shape and form onto an ark in preparation for a flood of Biblical proportions… Did God really say?’
• I was at the park and saw a very small police officer chasing a hobo in speedos. They were having a really good time…
• What would it be like if the weather forecast was 100% accurate? What if we knew no surprises? What if…forecasts could predict the past?
• “Wait till you see my next trick.” And then the magician’s head disappeared into the striped rabbit.
• A shape spun off the blackboard, screwing its way into the floor and down into your neighbor’s crawl space. Eventually its grinding and crunching in the dirt dissipated and all that remained was the blackboard.
• In order to change the world you want to have a younger lover. Will you wait for him or her to grow up?
• Lost and alone in the winter wilderness – 100 miles from the nearest settlement – completely broken mitten!
• Those who walk in sunlight shall become vampires, and walk at night. Those who walk in darkness shall become werewolves, and become white in the moonlight, howling at invisible dogs.
• “She got you good.  She really got you good.”  Over and over again this line gets repeated, but as the story goes on it is not as clear if someone is being serious or was someone who played a joke on him.  There might even be a third possibility in this story.
• Ginny had been writing a letter all week and it was wholly involved in her biggest secret of all. If she were to tell you, it might get out. She did not want anything to leak out. It was about the handsome young American flexing his muscle by the fireplace. He was her ticket to the stars. He had told her a lot about himself… he said he had been in the Navy and that he had sailed along the coast of Texas. He had told her he loved strong women of Texas. He enjoyed their head strong personalities and that their curvy bodies were fascinating. Beyond comprehension. But Ginny did not believe him. She knew this boy was all fluff, like cotton candy. He seemed so funnel-like. Too fluffy to be outright and he enjoyed being vague. She could tell he had also been reading a lot. Vagueness in particular.
• Let’s play pretend. You pretend to be a mother and I’ll pretend to be a child. Let’s call the imaginary friend we invented together, Wanda.
• You are possessed by a Werewolf, but it’s okay…you are in love with one. Explain why you use your new found powers for ill rather than good.
• Congratulations, we’ve all been transported into a game in a completely new dimension. One where you will have to fight for your life, or utilize any mad skills and abilities you might have to get by. You can wear all the armor you want, but if you don’t have a sword hanging over your fireplace? You’re coming with me. Is that coming with me a yes or no?
• All of a sudden, you find yourself on trial for your life, yet you’re the accused.  What do you think led you here, and how do you intend to plead?
• The couple took out a life insurance policy on their infant daughter. Two years later, McGuire’s baby was run over by a city bus. To collect on their insurance they gave the agent a list of all the babysitting they’d been doing. Turns out, they’d been babysitting the bus driver.
• A cop pulled me over for speeding. He looked at my ticket and said, “This is you, sir, here, not here.”
• Win the Lottery, a new Lexus every year, celebrity-status, play sports with other celebs, become a political powerhouse…then realize all of that is exactly the same as what you had before.
• Don’t mourn for the loss of humanity. Show us what happened in the wiring of the first murderbot. Show us how they were born. This could be a dark and twisted story or a philosophical exploration of autonomy and empathy in one of impossibility. If you can show the empathy and mercy in a robot it could be compelling and moving.
• You know how you hear of a story in the news about how criminals are rethinking their original choice of career…?
• You are watching The Sound of Music with your family and Julie Andrews breaks out into song and your family wishes you were dead.
• Sweetheart, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then catch it and keep it. If it doesn’t, let it go. Believe me, you’ll be happier.
• What if somewhere in history an anomaly exists where instead of Germany being on the winning side of World War II, the Axis powers were victorious in the great conflict.
• 1. Light travels faster than sound 2. It is a mathematical certainty that you will never reach your destination if you travel on trains. 3. Read books
• Write a story in which your shoelaces all fall off in the middle of a big event. And they’re not tied correctly. And they’re laces instead of ribbons.
• The story must have a beginning, middle, and end. The ending must not be pat, but surprising, yet in keeping with the tone and style you have established. Tell the story in one complete paragraph.
• Write a story about someone or something exploding, imploding, or tribulationing. Write a backstory for that bomb or superhero.
• A bunch of red ants. A bunch of green ants. Punch them together and what have you got? About a thousand mixed-up ants!
• Purple smoke pumped the car out of the garage. It was a lemon – not even a year old and supposed to be at top of the line for safety and power. Yet here we were…burning in front of a roadside diner.
• He was a sunburned football player, she was a skinny semi-star pitcher. He liked to make a fool of himself and cheer, while she watched and occasionally took tips when he wanted to learn something.
• Aunt Suzy works for the Owl Order. They both start with O. Now you have a bizarre connection to make.
• The world’s end was put off for a time when cotton was king. Dogs had curly tails and only the rich were.
• The perception of your mental narrator is always in the present tense. Show rather than tell. Show the events in the action rather than explaining what’s happening. This concrete action will demonstrate the consequences that are often left to the imagination.
• A man’s hand hurts, because his beautiful wife would like him to get rid of the crab that’s living underneath his hand for three months. But that crab is his best friend! Catch-22.
• A book is a collection of stories written down. Sort of. A gun is a collection of metal bullets in a cardboard cylinder. Sort of. A body is this collection of cells we call a “person”.
• They said he was bad. Evil. A monster. But that didn’t bother me. Nothing in their tales bothered me. Nothing except for the truth–the horrifying, blood-curdling, reality of what my father had become.
• A powerful and suspenseful story from the view of a normal automobile that reminisces a car crash story.
• A democracy isn’t a democracy without freedom, and then when freedom was found it was taken away… when it was the only thing that mattered.
• In a time before time, Where remembering was time for reckoning, A dark stranger, instilled to be loyal, Was the only creature to be Without condemning morality or technique to ascertain his closest friend
• You can’t learn anything from your mistakes if you fail to learn from your success! – Ivan R. Lobotka
• My character gets into a small argument with a family member who went missing… or rather didn’t go missing. Stopped going missing, went missing. Sorry about that.
• Kermit the Frog recounts the one time he met Jim Henson and Gene Roddenberry in Texas. Hasta la vista, until we greet again, my friend. Until we meet again.
• The couple was getting ready for bed.  The man brought in the fish bowl with the pet goldfish that he’d caught earlier that day at the park. Both the man and the fish were surprised that the fish was still alive. He thought the fish was a goner. As he went to brush his teeth, he told his wife that he was going to flush the fish down the toilet. She interrupted him mid-sentence, pointing out to him that the fish had feelings too. He backed away from the toilet insinuating that he had already been caught for what he was about to do.
• A teenage boy realizes he has the ability to reincarnate anyone who died tragically or illustrated. The teenage boy understands he can help the world or simply save the one girl he desires to have.
• Parking violation tickets are too easy to get so they should be made harder to get. Everyone speeds so there should be no speeding.
• What is your scene missing? Legs? A head? Skulls? Hearts? Tell us what is missing from your story scene and leave the rest blank.
• Going overboard and embellishing an insignificant detail. Show off how fabulously ridiculous you’re willing to get.
• Writing a short story when you don’t know what’s going to happen can be a difficult problem when trying to hammer out a story. People go at it all different ways. Four Seat Round Table has a great exercise to help you figure out your story’s plot.
• Write a character and then write another character meeting him/her for the first time. Don’t show your character to the other character.
• Upton Sinclair once said, “It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.” Could Hollywood be the same way?
• If you really didn’t like the second book in this series, it’s probably because you were waiting for this one.
• All of these prompts are designed to help you with your first idea. Starting with a common subject is great for beginners because it can help get your mind thinking about how to create a unique and humorous take on the subject. Eventually you’ll want to start writing creatively without the prompts. This will help you pare down ideas to your own creative voice.
• , written for the Tortured Heroines anthology, in which you are called upon to play yet another tragic character, and it’s up to you whether you choose to tamely submit or get out and leave murkier destruction in your wake.
• You were always the good girl. The one that did everything right. With christian parents. That went to church. Daily. You were the pious one and the most respected. Everyone wanted to be you. To be good like you. Separated by line drawn. Thunder. Lightning. Beach. What keeps you fed. God is a good god. Or was it the Devil in disguise? Oh. It was Jesus? Ha. No. No one told you to kill your husband after he tried to sacrifice you. No one. Let that sink in. Oh you killed your husband? When you were on acid. Weed. Sanity. What’s that? They never informed you about her, of him, your sister, your half-brother. The daughter you met or the son you didn’t.
• Navigating this space between what is and what could be… or better yet, what should be… but isn’t.
• Writing prompts will be used as a starting point for the writing exercises in The Practicum in Creative Writing resource module for The Gazetteer of Mechanical And Mythological Boston, which is available now. More on that in the coming weeks!
• His mother, who had subscribed to the mistaken belief her first child had been born a boy, always tried to dress him in masculine clothing.
• You will have a bouquet of flowers waiting for you. A very special surprise bouquet. The flower delivery boy will be with you shortly, the voice over the phone stated.
• The neighbor across the street from you went missing and no one noticed. You are having a yard sale cheaping out all of their household items and no one seems to notice.
• Write a story in which something is at first glance what it appears to be, but on second glance isn’t.
• There used to be a barber who left around midnight and the next day, he realized the barbershop was much sweeter!
• So, this nerd gets struck by lightning and becomes a genius. He gets the Nobel Prize but does not stop there. He also invents a Death Ray.
• Two-hundred eighty-two candles, one hundred eight cake slices, three eighteen-year-olds, one bride, one groom…
• Organized religion was outlawed. The Chosen One still became the savior and led the remaining faithful outside the walls and into the great unknown…as outlaws.
• The sound you’ve never heard before. The taste that you haven’t tasted. The color that you can’t see. The name you’ve never said.
• Shakespeare’s Macbeth is full of funny situations. Consider putting characters in something similar.
• You’re a chicken crossing a road. What’s hilarious is that directly under you is a road sign that says “Do not cross the road. You will get killed.”
• None of the lights would turn on. In fact, if you were to risk turning one on, the bulb won’t even light up.
• Now people need you to complete a mission, contract, or head out on an adventure. The thing is… you don’t know who sent you. Who do you listen to?
• Take three characters from three different stories or books and make them sing Let it be during the zombie apocalypse.
• The Director did not like my performance! Do you want your acting career to go? Get Actors! Read Group Acting Scenes! In The Coffee Shop Click Here To View Video Featured Below!
• You’re walking into town. There are soldiers there, armed and scribbling madly on decrees. You’re to be shot. As they raise their rifles, somehow you can hear the captain say…
• Call a girlfriend/boyfriend you’ve been wanting to talk to and start the conversation by saying something totally inappropriate. Don’t explain why.
• A mother lost her young son in the grocery store and, while looking for him, happened to notice some beauty products being used in some odd way, and she found him.
• Each day we, with the keys in hand, unlock the door to the station marked with the number 18. We look ahead. We see the bare tiled walls. Yet…
• I heard the story about me through my sister. She heard it from her boyfriend who heard it from his cousin who attends the same college as the person who knows a guy who knows the girl who is sleeping with the other girl who is my lover’s girlfriend.
• They call it day, but that’s a misnomer—”night” is so much more fitting. After all, he’s a vampire, and work’s over for the day.
• Your internal monologue asks all the wrong questions and for some reason the internet wants to attack you for trying to make the situation right.
• There’s a higher power of some sort. Kind of divine up there. But this power doesn’t answer anyone’s prayers. Just send down a single strawberry at Christmas time every year. Everyone kills each other at Christmas.
• Everything in the fridge had a face, a personality. A table full of appliances. A family, you used to call it.
• Samantha had always wanted to be a princess. It was just that she didn’t think anyone would want to be a princess in a place where fairies were made of spun sugar and princes were made of peanut butter. It was the day of her thirteenth birthday and she was trying on her whore’s outfit and riding her pony over to her boy toy when the weirdest thing happened.
• The game doesn’t always have to be obvious. Find a way to slip it in without the reader knowing even after they finish. Also note that there is never an incorrect choice, only a misleading one.
• A cold pair of hands touching warm skin, fingernails drawing marks across skin as licks dip into every prey hole.
• I know this wonderful ghost, we’re brothers in all but blood.. we’re in the process of writing a book about him, but when asked who it’s about we pretend it isn’t about the ghost. We have to worry about the serious consequences of being taken seriously.
• You know the old saying “don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” But times get hard and temptation gets the best of us…
• Write something that’s totally normal. Like, a door’s normal, right? What happens when you show me one that isn’t? How about if it’s a ghost door?
• You’re on a train. Everyone is stone faced and silent. You claim you’re on a train in the very distant future, and it’s infrequent.
• Go to the most inconvenient or least visited place in your house. There you will find your cell phone. Pick it up, only to find there’s no charge. What do you do?
• A defense attorney crawls on his hands and knees chained to a small bag of cocaine. He tells the judge he isn’t addicted and has a lot of “will power”. Really, he can quit any time.
• The nagging wife represents nature’s inquisitor, continuing to bore her thesis into the wall until it hits a hollow space, in which it booms and echoes hollowly. For those who want to bore through the wall, they suffer the most, from every other bore in history, who now become the full body of the wall. Those who stand to the side, don’t suffer a thing.
• What if the student could induce creativity/trust or understanding – etc – into the subject that other methods/techniques couldn’t, for drawing, for example. Can this be done with technology?
• All the women in prison can cook but only my sister can make beef stroganoff from the convict’s rectum. Then again, for some reason, it’s the can-opener that they all hate most. And don’t get me started on the giants! They’re huge, all of them, even the women. My sister makes the beef stroganoff…
• These impressions need to be written out, polished, and perfected. They need to be as funny as possible, but also acceptable, given the scenario they are written for.
• Write a letter in the format of someone applying for a job. In the letter, state why you’re applying for the job, and give a brief summary of your past employment experiences. For a twist, apply for an exaggerated or impossible job. For example, Yo Gabba Gabba seeks qualified candidates to climb out of the 2-year old demographic and make a smooth transition into family viewing. Only candidates with four years experience with preschool children or advanced degrees in early childhood appropriate curriculum can apply.
• You had the best shoes in your whole town. No one had better shoes.  And then…you lost them. Gone forever.  What would you do?  How would you feel?
• Pain is a way of warning something is wrong. Pleasure is a trick to persuade you to keep feeding it after it’s over its proper amount.
• Upon being asked, “Is there a reason for this interruption?!” the interviewer responds by saying, “I’ll get back with you.”
• You were just sitting on your hands and they fell off. Nickels and dimes dropped between your fingers as they slipped off your wrists. Your bones were no longer connected to each other and detached from the skin. They were small bits of green gelatinous liquid and knowing as they landed in piles around you. What do you tell your parents at the hospital?
• Write about a mundane day where something strange happens, but it’s so normal that it’s not taken seriously.
• The forehead of a teenager, like a wrinkled, pink, fleshy fruit mysteriously growing on a cereal box.
• This list can be used as a Writing Prompts Life hack or an ice breaker when interacting with others.
• Have a childlike curiosity to find out why things are the way they are. To search for truth. Become a child of philosophy.
• Did mom have a cat? No, she had a raccoon. It was very nice as well.  Routine thundershowers yesterday. Nothing to worry about.
• You should have seen the train traffic coming from the toyland yesterday… boy can they move a lot of toys around!
• Birdsong in the morning would wake me to the most glorious day since God handed the world over to man.
• Chop up sentence structure into a partial nonsense that creates internal rhymes and makes your reader sort the rest out
• We’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here.
• Imagine that your whole family was in a plane crash.  You find yourself out on a satellite planet with a bunch of unclothed space pirates.
• People here love it when you underestimate them. They lap it up and feast on it with fervour.  Well, at least most do.
• Mr. Funnybunny writhed in agony as Mr. Crowbar plunged the crowbar into his skull and twisted it round and round. “Your mind has always been the most delicious part of your body,” crowed the crowbar-man. “Now I’ll feast on it.”
• You are shrunken down to the size of and stuffed into a plastic bag and then washed down a sink drain.
• Your grandmother has a rule for everything – and she says you’ve broken them all. You hope that when you tell her you’re pregnant it won’t be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
• Hum trills in the highest of pitches, screeches in the lowest of tones. Strings shudder, vibrations resonate, pipes shatter as shrill trills and breathy croaks erupt into the air.
• Don’t be afraid of cliché situations. They are work horses and teach you the rules of writing comedy. Overusing them is different from relying on them. They will stick with you in your writing forever and keep you from becoming dry as a desert.
• Close your eyes and put your left hand out. Keep it there. Now put your right hand out. Keep it there too. Now how many hands do you have out?
• Kermit wasn’t real. He was a smoke puppet. There was no him at all. To reveal this would be to rob all Muppets of purpose and existence, including myself.
• I once did a voice for a character on “Death Battle”. The character’s name was “Professor Filip Desmond”.
• Click here to head over to Chapter 1 and try out creating a new chapter.   Let us know how we’re doing!
• You don’t know anything about this. To even mention it will increase tenfold the probability that you’ll be institutionalized.
• Once upon a time there was a woman in a cave. And you just have to read it to find out where she’s at.
• It was the heat of summer, and most days were spent at the Mermaid’s cove or Skinny dipping off the pier.
• You never knew if the werewolf was a slobbering, drooling werewolf or an astronaut werewolf taking some time off from the moon. Please consider sharing this page with others! There’s a lot of readers here.
• They climb up onto the table and balance wires in my face, hoping my brain will accidentally fry itself.
• The top was taken off the mayonnaise jar. The green apple made its home outside the jar, and you ate it.
• The cockroach had a baby. Got nursed in a chest full of snakes. But it was soft. It was warm. It was safe.
• Your enemy moves backward in time and causes events to occur that when in real-time produce a series of unfortunate circumstances for you. The enemy eventually stops interfering with the past and they go about their business, but you must continue to react to set occurrences, any of which may have been the direct or indirect consequences of the enemy’s time-travel tampering.
• There’s a connector in your car. It plugs into your brain. Then, every time you think of a name…that’s the car name.
• The last line is always, “the nerve of that guy!” No one else would dare it. The guy is never convicted. How can they convict a perfectly good man? He had all the best reasons but he lost.
• There is a moment where she’s no longer a figure of curiosity, mystery and enigma, She’s just a girl.
• You walk into a bar, and the bartender says $10 for a scalding drink. It was the last drink you had.
• You were arguing with your friend over the definition of love and you saw a shooting star. You decided it was a sign.
• I could once move a full set of teeth from one part of my body to another, so a) please don’t question my abilities and b) back off a little.
• A marriage in South America is held over the volcano. The participants make vows and pray for their love to never be torn apart by the fiery lava. They marry, although it is just for a taste of the ceremony. They never come close to the volcano. Though this is difficult to understand in modern days, the bride and groom celebrate their “wedding day” for them and not for anyone else. They may not have made friends in the volcano, or made a congregation of others that stood around them at the time they said, “I do.”
• What if your ability to sing didn’t matter. Everyone could see you but no one could hear you.  What would happen?
• You’re one of those guys at the reunion who still talks about your Dad’s truck. What if he never owned a truck? What if he drove a bus, like me? Or a train, like Harry.
• What might you find in a place you would never normally look? Or would you pick a place you’d never look?
• Story By Degrees- Write a story in three episodes beginning at the stage of your life where you left off with the last episode and working forward towards the present.
• Don Quixote wandered the roads searching for adventure… refusing to accept that the world had changed.
• You arrive in a village in a distant place. Prince Charming is gone. No one will tell you why or where to start looking.  They will only tell you it will not be easy to find what you’re looking for.
• A fleeing circus elephant knocks down your door. It takes ten minutes to convince them it’s not a Cirque De Mimes.
• For the bonus points, write from the point of view of someone else, choosing something that didn’t happen, providing it doesn’t hurt anyone.
• Good storytelling is distinct from merely good writers. There are numerous good writers who do not have the storytelling skill. As such, there is no universal method of writing a good story. Reader’s digest suggests that there are some feel-good principles that are helpful in the grand scheme of narration. Keep in mind, these tips are best for non-flash fiction.
• All my characters are named after colors. My best character’s name is red! Everyone fears him, especially the yellow guy, cause he’s got short-term memory loss.
• There was a shadow falling across her, too dark to be any earthly thing, and far too big to be anything of this world.
• You go to knock for “7” and notice that the doorknob is missing. Put the story together from there. Whenever a character is introduced, perhaps they can disappear right before your eyes.
• You met your one true love in the most unlikely of places. Even stranger is the fact that they didn’t mean a thing to you.
• Your mouth was stuffed with cotton candy and you just couldn’t stop eating it until your stomach was stretched to capacity.
• What is that song that gets stuck in your head because you’ve heard it so many times? What did you do to try to get it out?
• Everyone needed a unique talent to display before the king. When it was your turn to perform, you called forth your goat. Everyone gasped in awe as you unleash your goat to roll a most magnificent hoop.
• Your friend in the Humvee deserts your unit for another overnight mission saving his own life leaving you to die. You do.
• She reasoned that if 0.999… is the same as 1, then anytime she said she loved me one-hundred percent, she was leaving me empty.
• Start out with “Once upon a time” and close with “happily ever after”. Change only one word in the story, but you don’t know which one.
• The story until that day hadn’t been unusual in any way. The cat sat on the mat, the sun came up, James arrived at work. But the fact of the matter is… what came after proved to be anything but ordinary.
• Think about an event in your past, or possibly your current life, from a different perspective. The night of the prom, but your prom date was dead and your car was possessed. Therefore, you have become a successful horror writer, still stuck with your prom date who is now a twisted, ghastly ghost that hates your guts. You also just moved in with someone you used to babysit. He’s a nice guy. Get along with your friends. Same name as your prom date.
• Woman about to receive the highest honors awarded by the U.S. president is turned away from the White House.
• What is the deal with people spelling words differently? They’ll write “you” when they mean “u.” It’s enough to make you cry. Write about someone who cries when people spell words wrong.
• You get noticed when you’re happy and your energy radiates goodwill and cheer. You are so amazing when you’re happy- wave the sleep thing off the table right now and get that spirit full on!
• There’s a man who can help you. He can fix anything, make anything better, and won’t charge you more than a fair price. He supports himself by selling fake ‘holy water’, but it works just as well as normal holy water.
• There used to be blood and now there is none. There used to be screams and now there are almost none. There used to be couples getting lucky and now there are no clues.
• Observe your surroundings and then write about them. Maybe what you have to say comes in the way you say it.
• It was a gift. That’s not what name five on the list was. Your little sister’s. Flowers. Better. But… wh-wh-where did you tell you wanted them to go?
• 100 words. A prompt can be a person, an inanimate object, a situation, a dialogue–just present it to your audience.
• And the boss says, “there’s no such thing as authorized overtime. You wanna finish the project? Then you’ll need to steal hours.”
• Write your own story about the world according to snow, either adding onto the story below, or making your own.
• And you wake up in the morning and you look at your arm and it’s- it’s covered in another arm. Oh no.
• One Monday morning, all of them were to run a time trial and then they discovered that their shoes were gone. No one owned up.
• Others can’t read your minds… But you can still communicate with them, even if they normally don’t.
• You are the Queen of Sheba. You’ve sent word to the King of Israel asking him for an honor. What is the honor you’re seeking?
• Someone out there on the highway, a hitcher or a hitchhiker, was in dire need of a lift and a trusty Samaritan gave them one.
• The characters lose their voice. How do they communicate? What do they do? Are they unable to live without voice? Who do they turn to?
• Write something normal, then write something absurd that would happen before or after your normal story.
• Tell the story of a failed attempt at writing an essay, playing a piano concerto or saving the world.
• Be sure to check out the next article in this ongoing writing series where I’ll show you how to outline your short story!
• When you were four, you loved princesses. You loved princesses. When you have a daughter, you will love princesses. When you have a son, you will love princesses.
• Well, Janet got turned to stone, Dorothy got to go home, and Carrie puked up her pig’s blood everywhere.
• What if someone told you to always be honest and you had to tell the absolute truth to everyone you met for the rest of your life?
• What’s Red and White and Blue and Green? A baby that’s been covered in blueberries from head to foot!
• There once was a wise man who said the tree that falls highest in the forest makes the most noise when it hits the ground. He forgot to say anything about the thorny trees. They tend to really hurt when they come crashing down with a fierce velocity.
• When you made the window into the bathroom extraordinarily large. Extraordinarily large. Your window was the biggest of the bunch. That’s why they climbed out the window, right?
• A rich banker lives in a tall apartment building. He hears a gunshot in the adjoining unit and opens the door to find his neighbor slumped over dead in a pool of blood. The detective asks “Do you know anyone who would want him dead?” The banker blurts out “I do! He foreclosed on one of my factories!”
• Write about your best friend or your worst enemy. Then, write some of the same scenes from their point of view.
• You walk into a room and without knowing why, the audience starts clapping. What have you done and what are you wearing?
• Come out from the shadows and shine. There’s a whole neighborhood out there waiting. Don’t be afraid.
• Two brothers we were born, inseparable we were. We did everything together and when dad said “Go cut that wood!” we said “Yes sir! Alright!” without a second thought.
• Maybe you will laugh at these funny statements. Or maybe they will make you think, just a little bit.
• While at the grocery store, you purchase a small child, apples, oranges, a turkey, cigarettes and marshmallows. Why?
• The baby was born just as your parents were buying the area’s first VCR . They named it VideoVCR John Lennon Lennon. Yes, way before iPods, there were just people walking around named John Lennon Lennon.
• If Juan were alive today, he’d probably be running Petrolica. Leave it all behind and that sort of thing. …If Juan had been born at all.
• You know you’ve lived in your house a long time when you look down the hallway and you see the same footprint that has been there since you moved in. And that was three pets and two kids ago!
• Someone from history goes back in time and makes themselves appear as they are now, living the life they have always dreamed of. Who is it?
• Write about how horrible and mundane your life is. Challenge yourself to come up with a positive spin to this.
• When you were younger, cops would drive by and roll down their windows, walking in slow and giving it their best roaring children a Christmas.
• A Blonde kidnapper is running down the street to get away from the police. A girl tells her to hide in her house. The blonde goes inside and the girl locks the door behind her. What happens next?
• You belonged to a group that no one believes exists. If you told a lie, would that belief branch out and spill over onto the rest of the world?
• The team was in the locker room. They were all insisting someone had to shoulder the blame for when they lost this evening. This team was one of the best in college history. No one could ever think that it had been a humiliating defeat that had been at hand. But, it was…
• A vampire is walking around with a lamp looking for the evilest person in the world. They have already visited Mr. Hyde, who was definitely evil. He tried to stab you with a fork but you escaped. You have left the house looking for the next evilest person you can find in the town. It is snowing and very cold.
• Your dog saves your bike from falling off the roof of your car. His intentions bring your family to look at you like you should move somewhere else.
• These are funny story prompts for kids, good family fun, inspirational funny story prompts, and funny story ideas you never thought of.
• You have to laugh, because otherwise you’ll cry. But you’re already crying because of that gorilla pounding your head against the wall through your computer monitor. You’re doing some crying, pounding, laughing, yelling, fighting…all at the same time, so…
• Farmer Akkbar, staring at his newborn calf of rare aqua in color on this day, May 21st, always grew sad each year at the thought of the day ending. Farmer Akkbar, an old man who had farmed long, lonely days himself, took each day personally and developed relationships with each of the days that he grew up with. As a matter of fact, his first memory began by being laid into the arms of his mother by his father as she yawned and gently sung a lullaby.
• Folded paper can only end up a peculiar shape, The shape you were when you first noticed a peculiar feeling.
• You have met all the people who will come to be the most important figures of your lifetime. You haven’t met the last two.
• The most fascinating/weird character in the park is thinking about/preparing for/having/coming back from?
• Write about a random song running through your head. Ensure it is as far from your subject as possible.
• In a Magic Kingdom in America there was a big blue house, the house was so big that it needed the efforts of hundreds of people just to maintain the paint job. Looking back now, it is not as big as it used to be.
• You discover that you have to go randomly murdering someone each day. You can’t stop killing, nor can you tell anyone.
• Receive a letter from someone you don’t know. Try to figure out why they sent it to you. Maybe it’s just to show off how pretty their handwriting is… or maybe there’s a deeper meaning…..
• Tell the story of the first car you ever learned to drive. Tell why it was your favorite car to drive.
• A lesson dealing with uprooting the heartache of physical or emotional death, or relating to death of a person or metaphorically in some way in the story.
• Everyone in public office should be replaced with an emoji. We would see less corruption and more emoticon appeasement.
• If the narrator knew about the mythology of Orpheus and Eurydice, they probably wouldn’t mention them.
• A New York City that never sleeps? A farming village where you dance all day? A knocking shop where prostitutes have active libidos! A battlefield where you’ll face a friend who’s an enemy? A business trip you wished will become a leisure trip. A religious team that does not follow the word of God? A relationship that’s mutually exclusive for partner’s sake. A toast that wanders around…
• After rejecting allTM, your parents become cross because you lied for nothing but a weak lasting punishment.
• The day before yesterday was a holiday. Canceling France’s victory over Russians on the common holiday occasions during French Middle Ages ///OR/// the day after tomorrow
• Standup comedy often requires a jockey premise, with the premise illustrated by some amusing situations. The punchline usually comes at the end, and is often an abrupt realization by the protagonist.
• A chimney sweep had fallen asleep on your fire escape when you woke that evening. It was New Year’s Day, the year was 1953. It was a cold winter night he had spent there…
• Be a good old-fashioned customer service representative and fix your problem by billing it to another department.
• Introduce a random trio of characters and end it with something that sounds like the answer to the question “what did you do while you were there?”
• Talk about very ravenous creatures in a nearby pond. They punch sharks every day. Very powerful ravenous creatures.
• Example A would lead one to hypothesize that B might be horrible. Example B would lead one to hypothesize that C might be horrible.
• A living doll, a “baby” with its arm ripped off, someone’s head in a refrigerator, an overgrown Dachshund, with dreadlocks, spitting into his own mouth, all play pivotal roles in this story of romance and suspense under the bright blue hot Florida skies at a rest stop along I-95, halfway between my hometown and Jacksonville, where lovers go for their final rendezvous before heading, full of hope and promise, into the light of their respective futures and perhaps, oblivion.
• The old lady wanted the house to cost only five dollars, and the realtor wanted to make lots of money, so an agreement was reached…
• When Joseph woke up, he found the necklace gone. “Your brother took it!” said Mary. “That jerk!” said Joseph. “But he’s family…”
• These examples are simple but can be used for creating more complicated and funny stories. Remember to keep it simple because it’s easy to make your story excessively complicated. Yet, try not to bend the truth. We know you could spin a yarn if you wanted to, so keep it real.
• What are some of your favourite topics to get people’s funny bones tickled? Signs, Metaphors, Visuals…
• You’re alone in a bar, with a complete stranger, who strikes up a conversation about your lack of company. What’s the first thing to come out of your mouth?
• Due to the amount of structure involved in this creative writing idea , not everyone will feel comfortable with the prompt.
• The demons on the wall seemed to multiply. Last night you prayed to God they’d leave you alone. Today you told Satan to take care of them for a moment while you finished the yard work.
• Get someone’s name wrong. Accidentally quote someone famous. After telling the story two times, you get to make up your own details.
• The family of four, mother, father, and two children were ideal, eating chocolate together in their kitchen, before the mother of the family screamed “Where did all the chocolate go!?”
• Make one small change that is so absurd and strange that it changes the course of the character’s life.
• Every time they opened drawers they found a pig. As a matter of fact there were meaty clumps of pig bursting into the drawers and everywhere there was snow. It was very cold.
• Robin Hood steals from the rich to give to the poor. Why didn’t he do it my way? Give it back to the rich?
• Tell me. If your hair is pure hemp, and you don’t hurt anyone, would a lawyer really call you a criminal?
• When Aragorn finally grew a beard on his expedition to Mordor, it was a sign that evil was doomed. It was a beard of justice and of revenge. There was much of mankind to free, and many of that man were clean-shaven.
• Begin, or lead-in with the bizarre fact that when you become a man/woman, you don’t get a grown woman/man as your reward, but an immature teenager.
• No matter how many times you ask how to get started with your science fiction work out, your creator insists that you take a swim instead. He also tells you that trees and other plants love moving around and that you should run as fast as possible and plant your feet wherever they’re touching.
• Imagine how weird or strange a setting can be just because of the patrons, employees, or decor of a restaurant.
• There once was a girl called Maya who ate nothing but onions because she wanted to know what chicken tasted like.
• Stephanie wasn’t sure what to do or where to turn. All the answers she always seemed to know were only blurry refractions playing tricks on her in the mirror along with some sort of mistake.
• This comic could be used when a woman is beside someone telling a story in an animated or excited manner. Click on the preview to enlarge.
• When life gives you step-mothers, shuck them and make delicious spicy friendship bracelets or necklaces instead.
• There is always the guy who swam a lot, then ate the oyster. Problem was, it was followed around by the griefer. That guy did everything he could to swim and he could not shake Griefer ..
• Crickets chirped and the fireflies shined. For miles, around the hills, and all up and down the valley, the crickets chirped and the fireflies shined. It was a perfect July night, birds chirping, crickets chirping, and fireflies shining. This was the night Bob set out to kill his wife with a firefly. During the walk to his house he thought, “I can’t bring myself to do this” and he quickly turned around. The following day, Bob caught a firefly. That night, he said to his wife, “This is for you. Happy anniversary.” and released it into the air. This went on for years. Each year Bob caught a firefly and tried to hoist, strangle, poison, electrocute, or drown his wife. He even at times prayed to a god he would not believe in for help and often felt that there was no way he could go through with it again.
• Woke up one morning and picked up the newspaper and the television was obsessed with your funeral. Try to find out which one it was.
• She was tall. Taller than the tallest giraffe. Taller than the tallest tree. Taller than the tallest something.
• I’ve never seen a purple elephant. I’ve never seen a purple elephant. I’ve never. I’ve never. I’ve never seen a purple elephant!
• It’s been days since she completely took control of my thoughts. How can this be? They say the heart was the most important muscle in the body, for some reason mine is in a condition of extreme hunger and fatigue.
• The secret to remembering these stories is how they wrap up. Make sure you make the payoff a solid punchline. It makes the audience feel rewarded for listening.  Just remember this is a storytelling game.  Funny story still counts as a comic book. Allowing the storyteller to improve the ending gives you a bit of a wildcard factor.  Use that to your gamemastering advantage.   What funny story is more outrageous than a time traveling cat? improvise that ending.
• It was just them and they were never sure who did it. Every year they would ask What was that Crusaid we bought last year?, That was good, who would like another one?
• That last question could be anything. Maybe about your pet. Maybe a question about how you felt yesterday, or a memory you have of something that happened to you. Play with it. Have fun. Make up the most absurd thing you can imagine and answer in complete 100% seriousness. Try to answer any and all questions in detail – remember, your grade on the essay is based on both the quality of your grammar/language and your ability to follow the prompt given.
• Haven’t you ever wanted to write a story that threatened people with unpleasant disciplinary action? Here are fifty ways to threaten someone with spanking.
• You stumble upon a druid ceremony while camping and get trapped under a paralyzing spell, then get attacked by a flock of bats.
• Superheroes must adhere to a strict Code. Here is your chance to experiment and write a story using actual coding.
• Papers should be free . Taxes should be illegal . . .crime should be legal because crime doesn’t exist.
• Try using the work of others to write your own. Many books choose your own adventure or comedy like scenarios which can be a fun way to… well… write the proceeding comic.
• Plot a course. Set a goal that seems attainable or achievable. Now go for it! It’s only time, you only live once. So plunge the depths! What would it hurt if you could go through it once? Did you try? Yes? Then, you’re probably more prepared for it than you realize. Besides, the fear and jubilation are on the other side of the wall, waiting for you. Risk anything for the sake of brevity. And get it done.  Write about it.
• Coffee doesn’t break the laws of physics, especially if you decide to do it in reverse. And if that’s a problem for you then we don’t have to be friends.
• The garbage collectors called one night. They insisted you have too much garbage. They wanted it the next day!
• Now known as the “Pear of Anguish,” the Captain’s Harpoon was seen hanging next to the Granite Annihilator, above the Pirates Den at The Burrow on Friday, March 4th, 1865, the day he vanished without a trace.
• She talks with a southern accent even though she’s from the north. Someone’s been putting microchips in her diet coke!
• You start using a word, then suddenly realise it won’t fit into the sentence and just stand there staring – dopey.
• Remember that old computer game? Harvest Moon?  Yeah. You have that. You will always have it. Make it work for you. Till it hurts.
• The story of a tiny character in a big world. Who could be more opposite to someone than a micro-size specimen?
• Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, and experiencing the coolest of all cool reveries? Now, it is satire.
• You approach a bar with the most delicious-looking men…and they greet you dressed in the riot gear and armor of the Societas Quarta Flavium. You cough politely, but nothing happens. So, you roll up your sleeves and prepare to make someone’s day . . .
• this  cheerleader jumped over the school and ended up in Africa… the moral of this story is don’t do drugs kids…
• He spoke, but his words didn’t match the movement of his mouth, making it impossible to determine what language he was speaking.
• On dogs’ backside are a series of nodes in insurgents to make your dog like some people, your dog might have inadvertently contributed to the act of terrorism.
• What comic superheroes do you know of? All of them? Give me/us the origin story of more unknown/lesser known comic superheroes.
• What is normal to you might not be to someone else. What do you “see” white as? What did you do that no one saw?
• Wendell E Carson, also known as “Close-Up Magic” resides in and hails from Cincinnati, Ohio. A man of many talents, he has many stories for us to read. His story ‘The Tortoise‘ was nominated for the Drabbles4Review prize, and will appear in an upcoming issue of On Spec magazine in Canada. He reminds himself every day not to cut his hair short.
• God was going on vacation, and instead of taking one of His decoys He decided to let you run the universe.
• As a child, your father convinces you to always lie. He knows you can’t always be responsible, or keep up with the truths, and he needs you to always be honest with him. Sometimes, at night, when kids your age are playing or hanging out around you, their parents ask if you’re staying over for the night.
• Twins! Aren’t they great?! At least they are when they don’t share the same name and the name shows up in each story.
• Say someone is doing a very mundane task that they hate, and introduce a monarchy. Make this kingdom be a parody of how alive most modern monarchic dynasties are.
• Open with an apocalyptic scenario. What’s happening when you kick off the story? If you begin just after the problem, it’s not exciting enough. Make it seem like the end of the world.
• The descriptions of your friends’ eyes were very interesting and specific. And important, which is why you’re now in your third story about this.
• A steamroller, musical, cannibal family who all happen to speak with an English accent and still live in an attic together. And they invite a lonely, depressed, depressed God. Who continues to repeat his story titles over and over again.
• Somewhere in a desolate place an old man and old woman bury a black box in a shallow grave in the sand.
• God was telling a story. He told you to do something really important. He forgot to give you the punchline.
• Write with a sleight of word or an easily skimmed over detail that may have a whole other deeper layer of meaning underneath.
• Introduce a story as if it happened to your roommate’s best friend last week  –  with a lot of detail.
• There was a point in history where everything made perfect sense. Somehow, for some inexplicable reason, it’s all become totally insignificant.
• A family of monks have lived inside a sequoia for generations. When they were discovered by loggers, the monks, with no other option, moved to their spacious concrete bunker in an undisclosed location under Northern California.
• To begin, compose humorous poems, form words into sudden verses and lines. Inspired writing catches the reader by surprise! Read examples of funny poems.
• The best lie is not the one that hurts another person. The best lie is one that helps another person.
• The mouse took the mocha and scurried out of the cafe as quickly as his little feet would take him… stolen.
• There was a board game. Takes place in a hospital. You had internal injuries. Everything about you was in authentic order. Life was merely a mimicry of reality.
• A story that starts off normally enough but quickly changes into something strange because the reader was not paying close enough attention to what was going on around them.
• So to use this list of funny story ideas, you can either use them as starting points for your own stories or you can copy out the story starters below and then map out your own stories. Young people should definitely incorporate these writing exercises into their writing schedules. Folks who have never written before will find that these funny story ideas will fire their imagination. Warning. Writing is addictive. Instead of looking at these story starters an hour later, you will have written your own funny stories and found out why they are so much fun to discover.
• There was this kid during elementary school who tried to trade the life of another student for an ice-cream…
• Your town resides in the shadow of the next town over. Is there exposition? Is there conflict? Either would make a nice short story.
• If you happen to walk into your house and your mother is wearing your underwear, don’t panic. If this happens approximately every day, consider yourself adopted.
• Your favorite vampire. Why is he or she your favorite? How will you make your vampire a character to adore?
• A lost and found ticket somehow made it into the umbrella you are taking home from the airport. What is on it?
• Find the comic in your everyday life, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t look funny to others. Focus on it to ring the comic’s innermost bell.
• A long time ago, when on vacation and staying with his grandparents, a young boy sees something that no child should see.
• A bunch of flowers grow around the wall of a castle. The flowers are beautiful and smell great. Sensing a growing threat, the flowers burst through the wall.
• Bob Rader never liked school. He always got sick a day or two before exams.  It happened so many times his mom got a letter from the principal saying that Bob didn’t do his homework because he was superb at coughing up a lung.
• Bring a character from another media to your story and do your best to fit him or her into the story.
• Love is wanting what’s best for the other person. Love is wanting the other person to live a life without regret. Love is wanting to give… not just take. Love is like Michael Jackson’s music. Love is when you apologise and the person you’re apologising to tells you it’s OK – because they know you’re really sorry. Love is…
• It was midnight in Allentown and all the creatures were stirring from their slumber and Frankie Gorshin cackled, “The clown you hate is heeeeeeeee!”
• Introducing a new flavor of potato chips forces everyone to reexamine the relationship between your brand audience and your primary offering.
• This two-sided coin of consciousness – an absurdity reflected in a mirror – forms itself into fractured magnificence.
• A sentient corporate entity who is unhappy with some policy or other attempts to negotiate a favorable change, only to gain more than he expected.
• If you wanted something you waited until Christmas. If you wanted money to buy something you saved until you could pay for it.
• Personality tests? Of course you took them. What? What did you think? That everybody ‘just knew’ who you were?
• There once was a man who lived downstream from a bar. Every night, as he slept peacefully in his bed, he kept dreaming about the things that other people had left behind.
• Two shopkeepers, identical. They’ve been doing business together for a long time, but now they hate each other.
• Two old ladies, one old man and a group of rebellious penguins decide to take a flight to the Arctic.
• A man and a woman were getting married and the man asked his wife to pick a color for the leaves to be at the wedding that was to be in May. And the wife said, “I don’t care, you pick.” And the new groom said, “Then they’ll be green.”
• Go back to about three years ago. Talk about a few painful events that have hurt your life. Then, set up the time machine. Go back and have a messy breakup before the relationship begins.
• Amelie didn’t eat raw worms and she wasn’t a libertine but she had a pretty big world, especially for one so very tiny.
• You’re in a race against three others. They bother you for answers as you frantically solve math problems and the littlest she asks “why does Dad let you play video games all summer?” How do you respond to her?
• The additional dialog and explanations for the oddly out of place duck in this short story are surely what make it so absurd. The irony, humor and unexpected events or plot twists in stories are what leave you laughing. Take a look at how many funny speech topics you can think of by delving into the worlds of fiction. The first world of funny writing is the story , another is the article , and third is the joke .
• All cops are penguins. Take a short file of dialogue or a monologue and change it just enough so that the reader never “skims” it.
• You’re running from the mob… time is short. You enter the bank, shake the terrified teller and shout, “Fill the bag, FAST!” but the teller looks at you with a blank stare. “Tell me that you believe in the 50 cent pizza slice!” you implore him. “I do?” he responds quizzically. The barrel of a gun touches your temple. You start to lose faith in God. Zen masters may say that faith in God is illogical and blind. Has this monk transcended politics and realized war must be won on Capitol Hill? Does this mean that the sacral koan will be mathematically solved? Wait! You step past the threshold of normal execution and realize the somewhat warm red velour interior. Promising lad!
• Prince Charming crashed your party. In a bad way. He got punched in the face by your Fairy Godmother for being a leecher and a retard, and because your Fairy Godmother hates him.
• Part of the refrigerator door wouldn’t shut all the way, and so, when it opened and closed one day it briskly slapped a chipmunk….. right on the back of it’s head… Check this out for some other story writing prompts
• You wake up in the morning and open your curtains, and see a volcano in your front yard. Just sitting there, calm as day.
• Don’t be afraid if the first draft makes no sense whatsoever. If it makes sense, great! If it doesn’t, you know that you’re on the right track.
• When God separated East from West, allowing humanity access to distant lands, the exploration that took place at the end of the fourteenth century was a once in a lifetime chance to find the “Lost Continent.”
• It becomes a one-way ticket back to Africa. For whatever reason, your character feels compelled to return to their birthplace. What stopped them? How?
• The Bastille Day parade starts. You are surprised because you are only expecting the stroke of midnight.
• Write the instructions, dialogue, and stage direction in the form of a monologue or interior monologue.
• Now that you’re married you’re like his wife. You love him despite his character flaws. Until he has a lesbian affair with the neighbor you geht along well. It’s fun. Oh, isn’t she so nice…Wait, she looks familiar…
• An author writes a steamy novel and makes it into the present-day New York Best Sellers list. While reading this novel, readers become overly aroused and, Pollyanna like, go around kissing complete strangers.
• You’ve got to really love the person you’re taking to. After all, it’s going to be the best time she’s ever had.
• When the author was a child he lost his first tooth, and when no one came to pick it up he grew a new one.
• Blow your mind, let your imagination run free, fill your mind with silly thoughts. Your fantasy might just be a silly one, but at least it’s creative.
• You’re reading and while you are reading hot steam rises from a tall cup of coffee. You look down and notice that you’ve also read a page with a giant coffee stain. You turn back to the page you were reading, drink some coffee from that cup and return to your book.
• Your story is not a happy story. You’re writing the story of your life – it’s happy until now. It’s time to go deeper.
• Tell about discovering an ancient farm in your living room that is inhabited by tiny octopi. Look, one just scurried across the back of my neck. Tsk. And it just left a spot of octopus slime.
• And so, you ended up walking through the woods until you became lost for 12 years, but it doesn’t matter, you survive. Is it possible that this is the happiest story of all time?
• Think of the most popular global retail corporation and then write a story about them without using the company’s name.
• What’s in my hand? Could you guess? Let me show you that…ok, ok…I’ll hand it over. It’s in fact, a purple snake.
• You’re stuck in a building with three other strangers, and there’s no  way out. Give us a play by   play and a thrilling bit of dialogue!
• Unfortunately, such easy steps will leave you with four unfinished, unappreciated stories, and maybe you’ll still have the “writer’s block.” What do you do, then?
• I had a dog named Toothpaste and it was my best friend. When Toothpaste died my parents got me a new dog… it was orange.
• Pretend you are a magician along the lines of Harry Potter or Aladdin . Designing magic will work to solve your problem.
• To get over a hurdle, you had to devise an elaborate and complicated system of pulleys, ropes, insulators, and a pony.
• Tell a story in the second person, meaning, you write as though you are not present, using both “you” and “I.”
• 1.  Your first memory is of walking out of your house from behind as a child looking over your shoulder at…
• As you are walking up to a house knocks on the door and realizes they are not at their own home and guess what? They don’t have a home anymore. Where did they go? Who are they? WHY?
• There once was a man from Racine. Who invented a bacon tree. Made of acacia and hazelwood. Then you were encouraged to eat nuts from it.
• In this land of orcs, hobbits, and ogres, one accomplished warrior must stand alone. What happens next?
• A man who decided to make a bath as hot as the steamy clouds of a close gives the crops a good soaking right before harvest time. As he wanders aimlessly, he comes across men on horseback who tell of a perception he has. His teeth are dripping with saliva. He’s so angry.
• You write a story about one of the teachers or faculty members and make them seem like the sanest person on earth, or you show them all going crazy.
• But my kind of green. Not that money green. The kind that popped out of nowhere no matter what season you consider it green in. You know. The color of sponges…
• Write from the detached perspective of an observer who is simply relating a bizarre story without judgment.
• After landing on a particular Farmville building, the Indian man gets trapped in the attic and jumps out to eat Reese’s Pieces.
• This story does not have a protagonist, which is absolutely necessary. Most stories have several, if not many.
• A sentient video game character receives a copy of your manuscript and wants to know if he or she made the right buy.
• There are so many different and unique causes the school board needed a new word to describe all these everyday miracles. They decided on – Every Occurrence.
• Your teeth were perfect, white, straight, even, and very white. Your dentist even said so himself. But when you laughed, the whiteness of your teeth made the people laugh. Not with you, but at you, which lead to their teeth not being as white as yours.
• My boss told me that my son can never let it lie. Then he added that if he doesn’t he should never work for me.
• You had been waiting for the bus for twenty minutes. That’s no small task when there’s wheezing and coughing from a bus exhaust.
• Your sister was stolen by a stranger when she was two. You were babysitting at the time and got a brief glimpse of his face. You’ve grown up with his face in your head and he looks like… Not someone you should confront.
• Don’t just write your Silly Story. Give it some character. Anything along the lines of gifs, memes, dance moves, objects. Draw, sketch, or paint your Silly Story.
• In a world where no one believes in absolutes, what can absolute fanatics shine as bright beacons? White on a white background?
• No matter how much he tried, the door would not budge. It was stuck. Stuck like glue. Even more stuck than that.
• The trees sighed in the morning. Life lived amongst a busy, urban street could make anyone sleepy. Today was no different.
• You don’t need to know how and when and why things happened and who was involved. Don’t fill in the blanks. Just tell it like it happened, starting with this sentence.
• You left for vacation with a paper due. Before you set out on your trip, your brother told you  that he had an extra copy of your paper. You don’t remember whose paper it was exactly, but you’re certain it’s a good one. It’s full of academic jargon and footnotes and looks like your professor’s thrown up everywhere. You are determined to distract him with words and numbers so that he goes away. Why don’t you call your paper “You are the Fanciest of Fruit,” He deserves this.
• As two people watched she blew three wishes into the sky.  He wished for more wishes. The stranger coveted the first man.
• “The shoes were shiny black pump heels. It took him four tries to get dressed. Shoes first, then socks. He tried entirely too hard in simple activities.
• I would think it would be lonely at the top, to which the reply was, “well look who’s not worried if you liked it!”
• A sheep, a goat and a cow had a party. They invited some other animals. One chick, a dog, and a bird. They ate ice cream, shared cake and played games until their stomachs were full. They felt like their lives were complete. They were happy. They loved to just smile and laugh and have fun. They felt like everything was lovely. They all slept like they were on a big pillow with full bellies for the rest of the night. And in the morning they talked about what a happy night they all had.
• I know that this event isn’t actually going to occur, but it’s a fun idea. Be completely serious in telling the story, no matter how ridiculous it appears.
• One day, out for a picnic lunch, a father notices his son standing next to a small stream, throwing stones into the water.
• If one attempts to discuss a paradox or act in dissent, the word one is always, definitely going to be used. The stronger one makes his point, the less effective his dissent is going to be. If one kicks the proverbial hornets nest, one shall become endlessly debating with genuinely authoritative individuals.
• This has a tongue-in-cheek-ness that runs through the entirety of the book. The narrator’s mood changes frequently, often without warning.
• This is not a collection of horror, though my heart flinches to call it funny. It’s more a place in which you might laugh yourself sick, or even, perhaps, a little, too horrified, too afraid to ever shower the experience off or leave what you have read behind. It’s a sick world, but you know that already, don’t you?
• We are audiences for each other. It is a mystery…There is still so much to know about ourselves and each other.
• You have to make a photocopy of them, but you forgot your photocopier code. What are you going to do?
• A woman hires someone to punch her in the face until she falls in love with him. Are the punches worth it?
• Talk about someone who is completely everyday. No one would know he or she was special.– Submitted by Diana Wentworth
• A lightning strike killed him. Well, no, it was actually the whole “thunder” part. He fell on his coffee table trying to run away from the room.
• The want just sat down for a moment, and oh, yes, it stood up again. It moved much slower now, but it did stand up again.
• There’s always trouble at the tippy top. It seems the higher you climb, the more treacherous it gets. This is especially true when a queen has taken over a white cottage.
• Your incurable disease is morphing into something you actually sort of look forward to, but won’t admit it to your sister.
• You are wearing the nicest shirt in the world. Everyone notices it. Who cares, right? No one? Sigh…
• They buried me in a cheap pine box. face up, so my friends and family wouldn’t miss my resting face.
• With your gaze, pretend to have deep connections to people and things around you. To forget to blink and suddenly appear severe. Then fake-blink and break from your seriousness.
• Rolling on the floor laughing in the bathtub is the best feeling I’ve ever had scores of times and thousands of times.
• Give two lines. The audience reads them. Then you give one line. The audience reads them. How does it make a difference?
• Write about two survivors waiting to be rescued by a spaceship on a distant planet and all the legal battles they have to go through.
• If you told a secret four times it no longer belonged to you. By the same token, no one had better tell your secret.
• A man on a fire escape is funny the first time you see it, every time you see it after that is less and less funny.
• The bus comes just after the Police Station. And just as it should it is yellow. It is full of prisoners.
• Two guys walk into a bar, one orders a beer and the other orders a drink – neither tell the bartender what they want.
• Tell a story in first person plural. You and Gillian the Rodeo dancer, the Devil and Charles Manson at a well blow in a bar.
• The coldest eyes can be disguised in friendly faces, but when you know that tongue, you know the true feelings they hold.
• Got any ideas for funny story prompts you and your friends can work on? Post your ideas in the comments below!
• You leave the grocery store and step into your office. No, you didn’t fall asleep. You’re everybody’s boss and in the grocery store, everyone wants you to be their boss.
• Your last diary entry might have been a bit too horrifying. How can you explain that to your readers?
• You initiate your foible and employ your folly against him in tandem with your underhanded tactics to develop a trend as a result of the near relationship.
• He was short, with sharp aggressive features. His hair was grey with purple highlights that reminded him of his mom’s panties.  He wore greasy mechanic’s clothes. They had tape on the elbows and a hole on the knees. His smile was sharp and he wore faded blue jeans.
• The mother was worried the bunny was cold because when she went out this morning his fur was wet so she dried it with a hairdryer. Now the bunny has pneumonia and that is why he is ill.
• Write about what you know. Write about your life. Write about your imaginary world. Write about your friends. Write about advice to your younger self. Write about your life as a feral child. Write about the future. Write about your past. Write about what you ate for breakfast. Write about writing.
• You get the idea. Have fun creating your own short story writing prompts! Writing short stories is a fun and exciting way to stretch your writing skills and get into doing something other than writing long, lengthy fiction that goes on and on and on. In addition to enjoying the process of writing an entirely short story, you will also get a nice little epiphany and new ways of looking at things when you are finished with one of these short writing pieces. An entire short story that doesn’t go on forever sequence happens to be a wonderful writer’s confidence booster! Enjoy and have fun writing short stories.
• The Moon was in the Seventh house. Jupiter aligned with Mars. All looked good for a wonderful day. Until…
• Years later, in high school, you went to some sort of reunion. Everyone looked the same, but you were the only one who looked different. How.
• Tell your top 10 secrets about yourself. This is a different genre but this is where you get to really set up your protagonist or antagonist but you want us to fall in love with them so you tell us secrets.
• Make New York City’s Times Square the edge of the universe, and write about life crawling towards there.
• I have an Uncle from India, who learned to do magic and illusion from his Indian Guru uncle, only to develop his own special, original style of magic and illusion, and outdo his own teacher.  It is simpler than it sounds.
• People expect the unexpected so be perverse and make them think you’re going to argue a point only to contradict yourself, go off at a tangent or state the opposite.
• I would go to Las Vegas for a year’s supply of chocolate. A chocolate fountain. Chocolate cravings. Chocolate chills. Chocoholic. Chocolate heaven.
• Upon waking up, you look over at  the man lying in the bed beside you. You scream.  Scream loudly and violently. You never noticed it before, but he has three eyes and enhanced upper lip folds that are so pronounced he could freight train an elephant.
• Looking into a crystal ball, your future is unknown. Your glowing aura is astounding. It comes on slowly, but you can feel yourself transform.  This happens roughly 6 times a day, and lasts roughly 30 minutes.
• An addict steals. An out of work stripper makes men fall in love with her. A wife cannot reach her husband. A man tries to find the cure to lead poisoning. A mime gets the best of a tourist on the subwoofer ferry in Dunkirk France.
• We can program computers or how about we’re so simple to program it makes sense for us to just be the computer?
• The boy went to the kitchen and started making hot chocolate, when suddenly… he felt the eyes of the house staring at him. He had a malignant presence of felicity.
• Aku was born unaware of what he was…he was totally clueless to what awaited him in the near future. In fact, he was even clueless to what lurked in the present. Every day that followed brought the young man closer to his fate, his destiny. After all, the Earth Kingdom needed a king to rule over its citizens, and Aku was it.
• There was once a wise man who laughed when he was born, sneezed when he was taken from his mother, cursed when he was given his first name, drowned when he was baptized, and awoke alive when he was buried.
• First, save all your money for a long time and then buy a huge M&M dispenser that looks like a cash register. Put a big bowl of candy on it. Let the whole world know you have it. Every day collect a dollar in the bowl. On a day a month, you can buy your favorite candy and eat as much as you want.
• A great way to present these techniques is to invite students to write simple, funny, perfectly normal… stories. Work with as many students as possible. Give all students a different prompt. They are to respond by writing a 200 word story on their own computer or laptop.
• There once was a midget who dreamed of a comeback, but it never came. He ended up choking on his own stuffing.
• Wake up flailing like an octopus, screaming  like a hyena, and roll down the stairs like a bowl of jelly.
• You hate to see a grown person cry. This friend of mine had been upset for the longest time—not a tissue in earshot.
• So Johnny gets himself the smallest poodle he can find. He feeds him ferociously for ten years and makes him the tiniest, yet proudest and puffed up dog anyone has ever seen. Ten years later Johnny has a hurricane in his backyard and his little poodle blows away.
• What if you were in the mafia and no one knew about it but you. You’d tell everyone you’re a whistleblower and everyone believes you and you end up living happily ever after because the mafia takes pity on you.
• Write a book review. From the point of view of someone who has never really read books before, but knows how to balance a checkbook. Someone who had to split a number 73.09difully into three equal coupons. Just do it.
• Everything you’ve ever wanted, everything you’ve ever done in your entire life, is for the purpose of finding him. Her. It. The thing. You don’t know what you’re looking for. You want it very badly.
• There was too much singing in the land. The women began to scream for the men to camp out. One man, The Little Boy the singing wouldn’t.
• The funniest story to tell is almost always based on yourself or those we love. Based on Novelty, Surprise, and Incongruity. It means the unexpected and goes above and beyond expectation. By telling a far-fetched story, you make your listener almost believe what you’re saying is really true.
• I have a window in my house. It’s not very big. It’s not very special. It doesn’t have a sill, but it lets the outside in. Even when it’s in the rain, it lets the outside come in.
• If you were given no obvious books as a present, what literary and philosophical ideas would be present in your current go-to book for entertainment?
• Go back into this moment before it happened. And stop yourself from doing whatever you should not have done, but would have done. Now do that thing you should have done and perhaps didn’t and experience how things could have been.
• Then one person volunteers to stand behind the blindfolded person and lead them to the door, around the fireplace and down to the boot.
• Their house, a plantation / Country house, belonged to her family for so many, many years/decades / ages.
• Without warning, baby calves were eating fruits and vegetables out of your hand. You were high off of the fumes of baby cows inhaling all the legal highs of the western world there ever were.
• A humorous approach on a normal everyday day needs to schedule your weekly boring task. Life, as we know it is regulated and controlled by events that are equally as mundane, but seemingly boring. As a result it is key to know how to look at the world and find something goofy in the simplest of things, in order to create either humour or comedy. Work is definitely not exempted from this. Schedule Week is here to show you an exemplary method of taking a dull and boring subject to begin with, and revamping it by exaggerating it to the point where readers start laughing uproariously. Someone at work was incompetent and got the constructive feedback they needed.
• Imagine it’s the end of your life and reincarnation was shortly available. What would you say to God/the Devil when your case is made?
• But you didn’t see that third pedestrian in the crosswalk. You never look. You are angry that everyone thinks you are Russian gangster, when all that you have ever been is a college graduate, and that’s not so menacing, is it?
• There was an outrageous amount of crime happening. An exaggerated amount of crime. Non-believers doubted this. They made it fake news and covered it up as much as they could.
• There are exactly three toilets in this household, one in the upstairs bathroom on NW corner, one in the downstairs bathroom, left of the door, and the other in the garage.
• Next when you are in the shower, start to have this huge vision/experience. The kind that incorporates seeing, hearing, over-all body sensations all at once.
• Direct the response to a sudden twitch in your body that you are unaware of and which seems horribly unflattering to everyone except you.
• There’s a big difference between small town gossip and big city gossip. Big city gossip comes on softly. Small town gossip can wake you from a deep sleep.
• The List is a very simple story building method. You have a number of objects, animals, characters…etc and you put them in no particular order.
• It’s best to play it on the safe side when writing a humor story. Animals and children are funny. Spouses can be funny. Frustrated businessman can be funny. A kick in the pants is funny if it’s well placed. Police officers haven’t had many great roles in literature, but they could also make a great comedy.
• Drama. Iphigenia leaves Agamemnon to marry Achilles for fear of prophecy, then her father spots her.
• A man gets into a time machine to see his life as a toddler again, but he can’t get past the 1970s. Frustrated he jumps out of the time machine and whacks his head hard on the ground.  Now that he thinks about it, his life is pretty sad. He heads back into the time machine where he meets his toddler self.
• My grandmother told me to stop being so lazy. She told me to get off of that couch and stop spending my 20s on the internet. She told me that you can’t find happiness behind the glow of a computer screen. What? Since when? A 65-year-old-maiden telling us young people to get their faces out of their monitors… You have to love that.
• Four of the ten commandments will send you to heaven and four will send you down below. Aside from not murdering anyone, which ones are they?
• Time marched forward in its relentless infinite. Everyone it touched aged, died, and became someone’s memory to be cherished or hated, feared or longed for. Some of us fell out of time. What can we do?
• The frenemies. However close two people seem to be, one of them always secretly despises the other one.
• “Let me show you how to make the waffles that John makes. With him you have to get everything just right or else you’re in big trouble. So…”
• Sweet and innocent. So innocent you don’t understand that the old man is hitting on you and you are taking it.
• Snapdragon is a flower that should be used more often in stories especially when it refers to someone who is too fat.
• You’re walking along, casually, and you step on an electrical transformer, ending you in one lightning-explosion.
• This would mean some of the steps in these writing processes will have to be tweaked, changed and deleted to fit this type of writing form.
• There were two red headed boys walking in a park, and one did something that made his head turn bright red.
• You are a significant historical figure for no other reason than living in the same time as another significant historical figure. Anyone want peanuts?
• A secret code, a silly memory, an unexplained feeling of wanting to bolt, a suspicion is born. Claiming to be savvy, write a heartfelt account of this suspicion and all the silly little coincidences that surround it.
• Wrong. Whatever wound up in your lawn was synthetic. It’s tough keeping up with the neighbors. Tough on your lawn. Tough on the environment. A little sanity here please…
• A coliseum over a candy factory is converted into a cathedral over a bomb factory, forcing many humans to move while wolves eat puppies to get their greasy coliseum-candy fix.
• Have you ever noticed how no one ever takes the time to ask the simple questions? We could all improve ourselves greatly by just taking time to ask the simple questions.
• This is the opening sentence from one of the original Sherlock Holmes short-stories. You probably recognised it… Now, extend it.
• 3. Consider recompense techniques. Teenagers are accustomed to getting what they want, when they want it. They want the iPod? Tell them there are two conditions, a gift for mom and a gift for the little brother. They want $4 of allowance? $4 of  laundry and $4 of help cleaning.
• The boy kissed the frog, because she was enchanted… Because only the kisses of a prince would have been able to revive her and break the spell. What happened next was downright distasteful.
• People. Lots and lots of people, crammed tightly together, packed into a small house, with no windows…. and then they woke up. Tell it from the point of view of someone who has no idea what they’re doing.
• There once was a man who wanted to cross a river. The current was swift, the water deep. In a split second, he lost everything before he even had a chance to think to second what was happening.
• Never take candy from a stranger.  Especially if it is red and white striped and has a white fluffy tip.
• There are lights on the Christmas tree. Romantic interludes taking place. Aphrodite watched Aphrodite. The playful waves pull the hair in the wind. The stars glisten deep in the firmament. There is but one that twinkles.
• Use explosive words. Don’t worry about being controversial, or even realistic. Follow your heart and spin a good yarn.  What would happen if?
• It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a really huge and expensive diamond ring. The same held true for a young man in possession of five very large and very expensive rings…
• At the stroke of midnight, all of your vending machine change became painfully  brightly colorful pieces of paper currency.

Recommended Posts:

• 863 Sci Fi Writing Prompts
• 853 Writing Prompts About October
• 979 Best Mystery Story Ideas and Prompts

Join the Commaful Storytelling Community

Commaful takes everything you love about stories and makes it a bite-sized, on-the-go experience. Fanfiction? Poetry? Short stories? You’ll find it all!

Comedic writing: How to write a funny story

Comedic writing is hard to master, but understanding types of comedy, what makes a funny story work, the visceral ‘huh’ and more will help you connect with your readers’ funny bones.

• Post author By Jordan
• 2 Comments on Comedic writing: How to write a funny story

Funny, comedic writing is hard. Senses of humor vary in what people find amusing. Read a guide to how to write a funny story. Explore types of humor and comedy genres, humor writing tips from stand-up and comedy icons, and examples of different types of comedy writing. Bear in mind that these funny ideas and elements can be incorporated into just about any genre as well. The funniest writing comes from universal experiences that we are all familiar with. 

14 types of comedy

One of the challenges of comedic writing is that there are so many distinct types of humor. Read a quick breakdown of fourteen types:

• Jokes are short stories or one-liners that consist of a setup and a punchline. For instance, ‘My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo’ ( via Bored Panda ).
• Situational comedy or sitcom is a type of humor that draws laughter from funny and absurd situations (e.g. farce which often features ludicrously absurd situations). Michael Frayn’s play Noises Off (1982), in which a technical rehearsal for a play keeps going wrong, sending its director into a rage, is a great example.
• Romantic comedy or romcom is a comic movie (or book) that finds humor in the development of a romantic relationship. When Harry Met Sally (1989), starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, is a genre-defining romcom.
• Dark comedy , also known as black comedy, is humor that finds the funny side in darker or more tragic subject matter. Caimh McDonnell’s A Man with One of Those Faces (2016) combines crime, murder and comedy.
• Cringe comedy is a type of humor that derives its laughter from awkward characters and situations, guilty pleasure, and personal distress. It falls under dry humor. Larry David’s HBO show, Curb Your Enthusiasm , is a peak example of this.
• Satire is a type of comedy that uses humor, irony, and exaggeration to expose society’s stupidity, bigotry, or other vices. Viet Thanh Nguyen’s The Sympathizer is an example that uses humor to satirize but also indict the Vietnam War.
• Parody is the imitation of a writer’s style or genre with intentional exaggeration for comic effect. Tim Burton’s alien invasion spoof, Mars Attacks! , and Henry N. Beard and Douglas C. Kenney’s Bored of the Rings , which satirizes Tolkien’s epic fantasy cycle, are examples of this.
• Self-deprecating humor is when a comedic writer pokes fun at themselves. For example, they might use embarrassing experiences as material. David Sedaris’ comedic memoir/essays often find humor in his OCD, embarrassing childhood stories, and other self-deprecating subjects.
• Insult comedy is humor based on true, painful, or exaggerated observations about others. The comedy roast is a perfect example of this. Jeff Ross’ roast of Bruce Willis showcases this type of humor [warning: Strong language].
• Physical comedy is humor that uses the body, techniques such as mime or clowning for laughs. The films of Charlie Chaplin that use slapstick are an example.
• Surreal comedy is humor that uses absurdism or dream-like logic for laughs, such as Monty Python’s ‘dead parrot’ sketch .
• Wordplay plays with language, such as a pun or double entendre . Ex: Mae West’s quip: ‘I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.’
• Blue humor is adult, often provocative, sexual or deliberately in bad taste. For example, Mae West’s bawdier inversion of a popular saying, ‘A hard man is good to find.’
• Anti-humor uses bathos or anticlimax . The expected punchline is replaced with something simple, unfunny, or painfully obvious. The so-called ‘dad joke’ is an example – ‘A man walks into a bar … ouch.’

GET YOUR FREE GUIDE TO SCENE STRUCTURE

Read a guide to writing scenes with purpose that move your story forward.

Comedy genres in literature

What are the main comedy genres in books?

Satirical or political comedy

Think of Joseph Heller’s 1961 satirical anti-war novel Catch-22 . It follows anti-hero Captain John Yossarian and examines the absurdity of war and military life:

What is a country? A country is a piece of land surrounded on all sides by boundaries, usually unnatural. Englishmen are dying for England, Americans are dying for America, Germans are dying for Germany, Russians are dying for Russia. There are now fifty or sixty countries fighting in this war. Surely so many countries can’t all be worth dying for. Joseph Heller, Catch-22.

Comic essays and memoir

Comedic essays and memoir remain popular. Geoff Dyer is an example of an author in this category, having authored books such as Out of Sheer Rage : Wrestling with D.H. Lawrence , about all the ways the author avoided writing a book about the writer D.H. Lawrence. It is part- catalogue of procrastination, part-travelogue:

London is the worst. Lawrence realised this in 1916: London was ‘so foul’, he reckoned, that ‘one would die in it in a fortnight’. Since then it’s got even worse. Now it’s the world capital of flu. The sky in London drizzles flu, it rains flu. People from all over the world go there and get flu. Whether they come to see the changing of the guard, or to take ecstasy at raves, they all end up getting flu. Geoff Dyer, Out of Sheer Rage: Wrestling with D.H. Lawrence .

Some non-fiction writers are just naturally funny, such as Bill Bryson and David Sedaris. Here the comedy is in the writing. Let’s look at an example from Bryson’s The Road to Little Dribbling: 

One of the things that happens when you get older is that you discover lots of new ways to hurt yourself. Recently, in France, I was hit square on the head by an automatic parking barrier, something I don’t think I could have managed in my younger, more alert years. There are really only two ways to get hit on the head by a parking barrier. One is to stand underneath a raised barrier and purposely allow it to fall on you. That is the easy way, obviously. The other method – and this is where a little diminished mental capacity can go a long way – is to forget the barrier you have just seen rise, step into the space it has vacated and stand with lips pursed while considering your next move, and then be taken completely by surprise as it slams down on your head like a sledgehammer on a spike. That is the method I went for.

Comic genre spoof and parody

Many funny books spoof a genre and its silliness, clichés, habits.

In Bored of the Rings , Frito (Frodo’s namesake) wonders whether he could just throw the One Ring down a storm drain and be done with it.

Comic fantasy is one type of genre hybrid that often uses parody. Sir Terry Pratchett is widely considered the master in how he lampoons elements of the fantasy tradition, such as outlandish worldbuilding elements, fantasy races, and plot tropes.

The humor category on Amazon shows just how eclectic comedy is in its inspirations and niches. From ‘Business & Professional’ through ‘Cooking’ to ‘Urban Legends’.

Many of the current humor bestsellers (as of March 2023) have some kind of censored curse word in the title (contemporary comedy often falls back on the un subtle art of not giving a f**k).

How to write a funny story: From comical concepts to comedy gold

As the types of comedy writing outlined above remind us, comedic writing runs from the deliberately lame to the edgy and risqué.

Read tips on how to write a funny story with ideas from of comedic writing in English in books, film and TV.

For a story to be funny, the concept must first hold enough potential for comedy.

Repetition and suspense are common ingredients of funny writing (and dramatic irony).

Zhubin Parang (producer and writer on The Daily Show ) says ‘the visceral ‘huh?’ is a key comedy element.

How and why do your favorite comedy books, TV shows and films make you laugh? Take notes.

A shtick is a comic routine, style of performance or gimmick (e.g. Diane Morgan’s shtick pretending to be an uninformed, idiotic interviewer).

In comedic writing, producing more material than required lets you choose the best jokes.

Browse through comedy titles for ideas (such as David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day or the Tolkien spoof Bored of the Rings ).

There’s that saying ‘brevity is the soul of wit’. Don’t make the path to the punchline too convoluted or meandering ( unless that in itself is the joke ).

Let’s expand on the comedic writing tips above.

Start with a funny concept

Just as a magical fantasy story starts with a fantastical concept, a laugh-out-loud story starts with a funny concept.

Scott Dikkers, founder and longest-serving editor-in-chief of the satirical news site The Onion , wrote a series of guides to comedic writing.

On comedy concepts, Dikkers says:

When you write humor, the core concept you’re writing about has to be funny. The core concept is, in fact, the most important part of your writing […] You need to be able to express your concept in a single line or sentence, with as few words as possible. Scott Dikkers, How to Write Funny: Your serious, step-by-step blueprint for creating incredibly, irresistibly, successfully hilarious writing , location 162.

How can you find a funny concept?

There are many ways to develop a comedy idea:

• Draw from life. What’s an absurd or funny-in-hindsight situation or experience that’s left you in stitches?
• Go where there’s feeling. What drives you nuts? What has always struck you as ridiculous, ludicrous, bizarre, infuriating? Many comedic writers turn bugbears and pet peeves into comedy routines. See Diane Morgan, ‘Boys are Always Popular when they’re Murdered’ , for example. Or Hannibal Buress on why jaywalking is a ‘fantasy crime’ .
• Read humor and drama. The wider the web of your inspiration, the more sources to draw on and the wider your field of reference.
• Play with comedy subtext. Comedy has subtext. For example, ‘getting’ a joke such as that Bored Panda joke about the grandfather who has the heart of a lion (and a lifetime ban from the zoo) requires us to understand the subtext (that ‘to have the heart of’ something has figurative and literal meanings). What laugh-bringing realization will your next funny line hinge on?
• Brainstorm funny ‘what if’ scenarios. What if a man tried to return a dead parrot to a pet shop (as in Monty Python), for example. What if absolutely everything at a funeral went wrong (to hilarious effect)?

Additionally, try writing your comedy concept as a single line as Dikkers advises. If you must explain the concept in paragraphs, it may be too convoluted.

Another important note to consider is that sometimes funny stories or anecdotes are funnier than actual jokes. See how you can incorporate these funny stories into your writing.

Joan Rivers, on channeling strong feelings into comedy:

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I’m angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I’m very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers, interviewed by The Jewish Chronicle, October 29 2010.

Comedy writing exercises

To find a funny story idea, try this exercise by humorist Donna Cavanagh:

Write down memories of past embarrassing moments and see if you can turn mortification into mirth. Donna Cavanagh, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans , 2016, Location 415.

Another exercise to find a funny story idea: Write down three things you find funny. Imagine a scenario involving who, what, why, where and when for each. Try to write a funny story idea as one sentence.

Example: 1. Funny orchestra mishaps [ Ed’s note: Funny incidents such as a brass player sneezing into their trombone ]. 2. Awkward situations that just get worse. 3. Human foibles.

Scenario sentence: A trombone player who’s allergic to dust is called upon to play in a historical building last swept in 1983 and the concert is a series of mishaps culminating in him sneezing into his trombone in the slow movement.

Develop comedic repetition and suspense

A lot of the success in comedic writing for stage or film lies in comedic timing. What are two kinds of timing in humor writing, two building blocks of funny stories? Comedic repetition and suspense.

Repetition in comedic writing

Repetition at its simplest level is like the ‘knock-knock’ joke’s structure of call and response: ‘Knock-knock… who’s there?’.

In comedic writing, elements that add hilarity through repetition include:

• Characters’ catchphrases, tics, and quirks. The way Elmer Fudd’s difficulty saying ‘r’ in Looney Tunes, for example, makes it funny when he starts ranting about Bugs Bunny and ‘wascally wabbits’.
• Repetition with surprise or comical circularity. For example, in the cult TV series Twin Peaks , James asks Donna, who’s visiting him in the sheriff’s holding cells, “When did you start smokin’?” when she lights up a cigarette. Donna replies, “I smoke every once in a while. Helps relieve tension.” James asks, “When did you get so tense?” to which Donna replies, “When I started smoking.”
• Running jokes and gags. Popular in humor writing for TV series in particular, running jokes ( such as Buster Bluth’s extra-mural lessons that haven’t taught him much at all in Arrested Development ) get finessed and added to with repetition, brought up and revisited in new contexts in a way that adds to their hilarity.
• Recurring theme. For example in the 1990s/early 2000s sitcom Frasier , it’s clear to us, and the rest of the cast, that Frasier’s brother, Nyles, is smitten with Daphne. But Daphne remains unaware of this, and this theme runs throughout the series until – spoiler alert! – Daphne and Nyles finally get it together.

Suspense and nervous laughter

Comedic writing shares something in common with mystery/thriller writing: The build up of anticipation, or suspense .

Campy slasher films, a sort of comedy-horror genre, often make audiences laugh. It’s the nervous laughter that ensues when characters make foolish choices that make viewers want to yell at the screen (‘Don’t go into that creepy house!). ‘Person makes stupid choice’ is an endless fount of comedy ideas.

Suspense in comedy builds from waiting for the punchline or left turn, the outcome of that choice.

If suspense in dramatic writing means anticipating the bad, in comedy, it’s anticipating the hilariously or embarrassingly bad (for example, waiting for parents’ reaction to their new son-in-law accidentally breaking a beloved relative’s urn in Meet the Fockers ).

Observe and embrace absurdity

Comedic writing draws on observing – recognizing – the absurdity of everyday life.

It may be the Sisyphean (a task that can never be completed) aspect of work or relationships, for example.

In an existential comedy scenario , a chef perhaps keeps getting a meal sent back to the kitchen by a fussy table with exceptionally petty demands, until she explodes in a comical or cringeworthy way.

Many jokes in stand-up and other forms of comedy writing have become clichéd (such as jokes about airline food being terrible) because they repeat what we know to be true. Fresh humor, by contrast, often makes the familiar experience or scenario (e.g. ‘meeting the parents’) seem newly absurd.

Often in comedic writing, there’s a thin line between pain and laughter. The schadenfreude or voyeuristic pleasure of others’ misfortunes becomes funny because its relatable. We feel the pain of the kid bowled over by the Labrador on the beach. Tweet This

Ed ‘s note: A friend would tell the funny story of going to an ice cream shop where a very disinterested shop worker leant on the counter, chewing gum. “You want a cone or a cup?” she muttered, after he’d made his choices of flavors. “Cup, please,” he said. She paused, chewed a bit. “Don’t have.”

Bizarre and absurd situations are goldmines for existential and other types of comedy showcasing human foibles, miscommunications and vices. Tweet This

Comedy writer and producer Zhubin Parang speaks of the ‘visceral ‘huh?” moment – ‘situations that don’t go the way they should, or people who respond to an event or idea in a different way than they should’, as in the ice cream shop example above.

This is something to mine for funny writing ideas .

Take notes on comedy books and shows

🗣️ What are your favorite funny books and TV shows?

Tell us your recommendations in the comments. You can learn a lot from comedy shows and stand-up comedy you enjoy about comic writing devices such as setup and punchline, or the unexpected turn. Tell us a funny anecdote. 

Comedic writing exercise: The anatomy of laughter

Take a piece of funny writing or a stand up segment and ask the following questions:

• What devices is the writer using for humorous effect? Is there wit and wordplay? Satire? Clever repetition? Irony?
• How does the writer use language to comedic effect? Is there a mix of high and low (e.g. formal and slang) language? Do they curse? Is there exaggeration or understatement?
• What part of the story or script did you find funniest? Why? Was it an unexpected word, phrase, outcome, revelation? An everyday object or experience the comic reframed in a new light?

Explore funny shticks

The word ‘shtick’ means ‘a gimmick, comic routine, style of performance, etc. associated with a particular person’ ( Oxford Languages ). It is of Yiddish origin, from the German word for ‘piece’, st ü ck .

In comedic writing, creating a character with a shtick supplies a range of scenarios to fill with funny material.

In the series Cunk on Earth , for example, Diane Morgan’s shtick is the setup that she’s an uninformed interviewer narrating a historical documentary about human history – art, culture, religion, conflict.

Her fictional character, Philomena Cunk, asks Oxford and Cambridge professors questions such as, ‘When the Egyptians built the pyramids, did they start at the top or the bottom?’

There are several funny aspects to the character that make up the shtick, including:

• Random anecdotes she throws in about ‘my mate Paul’ who gets into all kinds of tricky situations
• Deliberate mispronunciations (such as pronouncing ‘The Bible’ as ‘The Bibble’ or the ‘Soviet Union’ as the ‘Soviet Onion’)
• Responding with slang and ‘low register’ to academic interviewees who use much more formal language (e.g. ‘Yer jokin’!’ or ‘Are you havin’ a laugh?)
• Running bits/gags (every episode references and plays a segment of Belgian producers Technotronic’s song ‘Pump Up the Jam’, with funny and nonsense text overlays stating random or made-up facts)

Think of one of your favorite comical characters from fiction. What sayings, habits, physical gestures, and other quirks make up their ‘shtick’? Think of Douglas Adams’ aliens, who torture humans with their terrible poetry.

Talking of characterization, remember that even humor writing has to have realistic characters. TV sitcoms often have really silly characters, too silly to be believable. Think of the 1980s sitcom, The Golden Girls, for example. Rose Nylund (played by Betty White) is the daffy one, rather too gullible and naïve, which played into the humor of the show. While popular with audiences, her characters borders on being on the wrong side of believable. 

Write surplus comedy material

A good piece of advice on how to write a funny story Dikkers gives in his comedy manuals is this: Write more material than you need.

Just as stand-up comedians don’t share the jokes that don’t make it on stage, comedic writers – whether writing fiction or screenplays – don’t share the pages that didn’t make it to the final draft or production. Tweet This

Blooper reels are extra.

The benefits of brainstorming and churning out ideas , multiple options, are:

• Digging deeper than the ‘easy’ laughs. Churning out lines gets the obvious ideas out the way. Comedian and actress Wanda Sykes shared with Kevin Hart in a podcast that her audience expects more than the easy, obvious joke (and that bringing her self – her politics – to her comedy helped her create funnier, more original material)
• Surplus comedic material to select the funniest jokes. Zhubin Parang, who was head writer for Comedy Central’s The Daily Show with Trevor Noah , says, ‘You always need to tighten, tighten, tighten. Every first draft has way too many words, extra thoughts or side ideas.’ Writing extra material gives this tightening process more material to work with

Hint it’s funny from the title

Think of titles of comedic fiction and non-fiction, such as:

• The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
• Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher
• A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again by David Foster Wallace
• Sombrero Fallout by Richard Brautigan

These are titles with wordplay (e.g. Fisher’s play on the phrase ‘wishful thinking’), absurd humor (the idea of a hitchhiking guide to a place so gargantuan), droll and random humor.

Your title is an opportunity to both signal that your book is a work of humor writing, and to signal its contents (e.g. Fisher’s memoir hinting at the memoir’s one subject of substance addiction).

Make it accessible and easy to read

Finally, effective comedic writing doesn’t need ‘thee’ and ‘thou’ and highfalutin’ convolution. (Unless it’s the Ben Elton -penned sitcom about Shakespeare and his trials and frustrations, Upstart Crow ).

There is an accessibility of style often to comedic writing. We mostly get the joke (without excessive explanation). Except in a brand of ‘random’ humor that relies more on a ‘visceral huh’ than ‘setup’ and ‘punchline’.

Mostly, style services the humor. Savage, biting satire is concise and punchy. Screwball and madcap comedy goes off the rails more.

In the Irish comedy series Derry Girls , there’s a wordy uncle named Colm who drives everyone mad with his long-winded, meandering storytelling .

This ‘shtick’ recurs as a plot device (the group of school friends who are the main characters use him to get out of being arrested for trespassing, for example).

The humor here is in how inaccessible, uninteresting, and infuriatingly boring Colm’s stories are. It’s a good reminder that there’s always an exception to the rule. However, the situational humor when characters are stuck with Colm is easy to read – the absurdity of getting trapped in a conversation you don’t want to have is a relatable, comedic situation.

Think how you can slip one-liners into your story. Even if a story is serious and gritty, you can lighten up the tone by inserting humorous bits and pieces in a story. Clever wordplay and puns can add humor to your writing. Look for opportunities to play with language, incorporate double meanings, or create humorous juxtapositions of words.

What is your style of humor in your every day life? Use your natural sense of humor. Think how you can inject that into your own writing.

🗣️ What’s a funny book or show you found relatable and why? Tell us in the comments

Join Now Novel for writing feedback on your next humor piece, writing webinars, story outlining tools and more.

The entire experience has been uplifting beyond words. Coaches have been so deeply compassionate and real, as well as incredibly timely and polite. – Jerry

Related Posts:

• How do you write a story using three-act structure?
• How to write the middle of a story: 9 tips
• How do you write a dystopian story? 5 tips

Jordan is a writer, editor, community manager and product developer. He received his BA Honours in English Literature and his undergraduate in English Literature and Music from the University of Cape Town.

2 replies on “Comedic writing: How to write a funny story”

This was so fun! I especially enjoyed “highfalutin’ convolution” 😁 Here’s one of my favorites: “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” ― Mitch Hedberg

Haha, I love that, Margriet. Thanks for sharing.

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Pin It on Pinterest

• Skip to main content
• Skip to primary sidebar

Writing Tips Oasis - A website dedicated to helping writers to write and publish books.

The Ultimate Guide to Writing Literary Comedy for Beginners

By Paul Keegan

It’s one thing writing a story… it’s a whole different ball game writing a funny story.

Some of the greatest literary minds that have ever graced the world filled their works with wit and laughs. It is such a great talent, to be able to bring a smile to somebody’s face through words on a page – but it’s by no-means an easy talent to master.

Comedy, in literary form, can be a very difficult thing to get “right”. When done well, comedic literary writing can be wonderful. When not so good… well, it can make for difficult reading (and not difficult like reading James Joyce’s Ulysses , difficult like “… I want to stop reading this”).

This ultimate guide to writing literary comedy for beginners will look at writing comedy from several different perspectives. Whether you want to write a short story, a novel or some non-fiction accounts, this guide will hopefully point you in the right direction.

The guide will begin with tips and rules that apply to each of the above, and later in the guide, there are more specific guidelines and tips for writing them.

Table of Contents

Know your audience, know your comedy

Layers of humour, know what you’re writing about, make yourself laugh, brainstorming/mapping, think about your details, the comedy of conflict, adding humour to short stories, writing a comedic novel, writing humorous non-fiction, a recap of the main tips and tricks for writing literary comedy, understand your audience and your comedy, layering humour, know your topic, incorporate surprise, brainstorming and mapping your idea, use a structure, make your writing meaningful, cover the details, the humour of conflict, writing a short story, writing a novel, writing non-fiction.

A good place to start when it comes to writing something comedic is to immerse yourself in the world of comedy. There is so much fantastic comedy that can be easy to find – be it writing, performances, videos or audio recordings – which you will never be far from finding something to perhaps derive inspiration from.

Reading funny literature will put you into a mind-set for writing comedically, and looking at different works may be a contributing factor in developing your own unique comedic writing style.

Going in hand in hand with knowing your audience, when writing a comedic story, don’t hesitate from adding layers to your writing.

Layering a story makes it work on several levels. Layering means trying to make your work as appealing to as many people As possible WITHOUT jeopardising the quality of the work.

You want as many people as possible to read and enjoy your work, don’t you? You need to find a way to make your humour appeal to different people and age groups, and layering is the way to do this.

Physical humour will appeal to all age groups. Slapstick, absurdity and outrageousness are sure-fire ways to get laughs, even in print.

More abstract humour devices such as wordplay and punning will start to appeal to people from around the ages of 8-12 and onwards.

More advanced abstract humour devices such as sarcasm, irony, parody and innuendo start to really kick-in for most people in and around their early teens and onwards.

After around 15, pretty much anything goes – don’t underestimate your readers – allowing you to set up more complex things like elaborate running jokes.

The best and most memorable stories you will read, in any genre, will be layered. Whether it’s your first time reading or your fifth, you’ll still be noticing new things; little details that add together to make a better story.

This works well with comedy writing, in that you can throw in what may seem like an aside, a minor detail without relevance, and reintroduce it for comedy later in the story.

That kind of layering comes with subtlety – just one of many different types of layering, and one that may particularly appeal to those who like to really observe when reading something.

Knowing about your subject matter puts you in a position to write a more-informed piece of work, and will give you endless sources of rich material.

Here’s an extreme example to stress my point:

Ricky Gervais worked in an office for 10 years. He then started writing and performing comedy, and drew from his life experience – what he knew and had lived through – and created one of the greatest comedy programs of all-time.

Knowing about life in an office obviously didn’t make the show what it was – but it certainly enriched it. If you can find your “office”, or become informed about whatever your subject may be – a rural town, a university, a hotel – you will have as much material to work with as you please, and will know how and why to poke fun and parody something.

Publishers and magazines have certain things and subjects that have been done to death and they will more than likely have no interest in, even if it’s done well. An informed approach to a subject matter can put you ahead of the crowd and by turning conventions and clichés on their head through knowledge will both stand in your favour and help you create better, funnier work.

Most importantly of all, bar none, is that you start writing. Just write and keep writing. What you write could be absolute drivel – the kind of thing you look back on in a day or a week or a year and ask yourself “what was I thinking?” – Or it might just be great.

Putting pen to paper (or however you choose to write) can not only get work done, but help fuel your creativity and actually seeing your story take shape can make your mind wander off in tangents that you may not reach otherwise.

Keep writing and writing and when you’ve got something that resembles a finished piece, then you can start to rework. The editing process can streamline; make funnier what needs to be funnier; add more; cut entire sections… once you’ve got something to edit, you can edit. It’s just a matter of getting to that point.

If you’re writing completely stone-faced, even upon reflection, there might be something wrong. Comedy is subjective, but at least you know what YOU find funny, so why not try to create something that you would enjoy as a consumer.

It will really shine through in your humour writing if what you’re writing about amuses you. With this comes the risk of becoming self-indulgent, so once you’ve finished writing, be sure to give to someone else – literally anyone – and see if they find it funny or if you’ve just gone down a wormhole and started making something that only you find funny.

Test your material on anyone willing to read it, and if you’re getting a positive response, that’s a good sign. If you’re not getting 100% positive responses, but some strong ones, don’t worry. Everyone’s different and everyone finds different things funny. What one person finds hilarious could be the least funny thing that’s ever happened to someone else, so don’t be disheartened if one person likes your writing and another does not. At least one person likes it.

Surprise can be one of the essences of literary comedy. It can be different to visual or spoken comedy, but the old tropes of pull-back and reveal are as relevant and funny today as they ever were, if done right.

Surprises in writing can come in any shape or form. It can be something really simple – an unexpected climax to a scene, an event or even a paragraph. Wit and laughs can be raised by treating a reader to an unexpected turn-of-events.

Boiling down comedy and why something is funny can seem like one of the most boring things in the world to people, but as a writer, sometimes you should ask yourself “why is that funny?”. You may surprise yourself with how often the answer is surprise.

You’ve got an idea – even if it’s just the remnants of the beginning of a thought – make sure to get it down. Have you ever thought of something that, at the time, you thought was funny, but didn’t write it down, and then for the life of you can’t remember it later? It happens to everybody, so you’re going to want to get into the habit of stopping it from happening to you: write it down!

Once you’ve written down something that you can come back to, you can start brainstorming it. Whatever your idea is, you can start expanding it. We will come to structure next, but essentially to begin with, you’re going to need an idea, and that’s about it.

The idea can be funny in principle but it doesn’t need to be. Humour can be added afterwards, as long as you’ve got something. Perhaps the idea is the end of the story – that’s fine, work backwards: how did the character end up where they ended up?

It could be a throwaway moment in the middle of the story – work both ways: how did they end up in the situation, how does the story progress after it.

Or indeed, it could be your start – how your story begins. The same process applies, just start expanding your ideas. Again, your ideas don’t have to be hilarious from the start; there is comedy to be found in pretty much everything, you can add it later.

Every story should have structure. A beginning, middle and an end – sometimes when people talk about writing, the “middle” is replaced with the “muddle”.

The beginning of a story, in any genre, is generally used to set things up. There’s no set amount of pages that define a beginning, just how long it takes for a story to be set up; introducing character, setting, and importantly in humour, writing tone.

In many respects, the beginning of your story, regardless of how long it is, is the most important part, as if a reader isn’t interested or doesn’t enjoy it, they will more than likely not keep reading. The same can be said for publishers .

Go back to your brainstorming and work out what NEEDS to be included in your beginning and make sure it’s there and presented well. Set the story up in all respects.

Once you have this done, you can begin to muddle. This is where your story can tangent and twist -the bones of the story.

It can seem oblique and blunt to say stories are as simple as A-B-C, with A being the start, B being the middle and C being the ending, but in most cases it is true. The B gets you from the A to the C, and it’s the journey that will define how good your writing is.

In this regard, the middle of your story is going to be the longest part. Whereas the beginning and the ending can often be set piece events, anything can happen in the middle. If you want a character to do something, make them do it. All you have to do is find a way to make it relevant to the rest of the story.

Whatever takes place in the middle of the story will link your beginning to your end. With this being the case, the middle of a humorous piece is where a lot of the humour can be found, as it doesn’t necessarily do anything but be funny, in the way the beginning of a story has to set things up and the end has to bring events to a climax.

It’s not enough to be funny in your writing. It can work in the short-term, but in anything more than a few sentences, you’re going to have to be meaningfully funny.

Even the best one-liner jokes are memorable and work because they rooted in something more and seem to suggest a deeper, more personal meaning. People can relate to people – so even if your story is crazy and ridiculous, it’s worth assigning some human characteristics.

The character of Alan Partridge played by Steve Coogan, is in most aspects, ridiculous. Yet, he harbours many realistic tendencies, and allow viewers (or indeed readers) to laugh with him as well as at him. They are able to sympathise, empathise and criticise him.

In humour writing, there are two ways you can go, and they are both acceptable: having the plot support the jokes or the jokes support the plot. Whichever side you opt for – and it usually is one or the other – centre your writing around some semblance of humanity – something relatable – and it will pay dividends.

One huge difference between reading and viewing or listening to comedy for a consumer is that reading requires a lot more effort. With this being the case, even when writing humour, your story needs to have some coherence.

Your story can be filled with humour and absurdity, but don’t make it the joke.

A story, regardless of length, needs to have its own consistent logic and laws to make it feel immersive and real. This logic can be rooted in reality or can stray away from it, like in a fantasy novel for example, but it needs to be regulated. If something happens, there must be some form of explanation – otherwise it’s poor storytelling.

Think about your story’s history; think about the characters – who they are, what they do, why they do it – and then create them, and make them detailed. With detail comes good storytelling, and once you’ve got that, you can add the comedy in later.

When one thinks about comedy , perhaps the first word that comes to mind isn’t always conflict. That’s not to say that forms of conflict can’t be a fantastic source of humour.

By building some of your characters around ridiculous and obtuse struggles, you make them flawed and relatable, which are terrific comedic traits.

There are three sources of conflict devices – character versus character, character versus environment and character versus itself. Regardless of the length of your story, it is wise to include at the very least one of these devices, and if possible, all three, as they can make for hilarity in abundance if done correctly.

The most engaging of the three mentioned conflict devices is normally the character versus itself. This device is the most emotionally engaging – audiences tend to relate to seeing a character fighting internally as this is something that everyone comes into contact with in one way or another.

Settling on a source of conflict and amplifying it to comic proportions (or making a character ridiculously biased) can be a nice additional element to add to your comedic story.

If there’s one particular difference between writing a short story and a longer one – and this may seem obvious – it’s the length. Regardless of your story’s genre, the way the story is told will vary due to its length.

This isn’t to say a short story need be any less detailed, immersive, and importantly in this case, funny.

There is no space for unnecessary information in a short story, and while this may seem like it makes it more difficult to write, it can oftentimes turn out that the story is better as a result.

At the planning stage of your writing, try to think about what the reader NEEDS to know. If there’s something that is integral to the story, be sure to include it and not leave the reader confused. There’s nothing wrong with ambivalent details or stuff left “up in the air”, but be aware that you’re doing it on purpose and that when the story is completed you only notice them as an afterthought.

When you’ve got your characters and plot formed, you can begin adding comedy to your writing.

The condensed form of a shorter story means that it is likely you won’t be able to include many regular jokes, but that certainly doesn’t mean that your story hasn’t the potential to be funny.

Funny characters and settings/scenarios can provide humour from the outset, while witty dialogue and set piece events and pay-offs can turn your story from an enjoyable read to a hilarious must-read.

Writing a novel can be a long, enduring and tough – but ultimately rewarding – experience. Many published authors advise potential writers to stop worrying about the little details and just get down to creating fiction rather than dwelling or worrying, and this is generally good advice to take on-board.

You will need to have a fully-formed and informed plan when approaching writing a novel of any description, as not having this will only make your already difficult job a lot harder.

Inserting comedy into your novel writing can be done in a variety of ways.

The large nature of a novel allows the writer freedom to take characters and scenarios and run with them, with the long form style of the story making it easier for readers to relate to situations and emotions. A lot of comedy can be found in empathy, and it is a trait that can make for an essential inclusion.

Ridiculousness and slapstick are always a good source of comedy, but it can be difficult to drag these comedic devices for the entire length of a novel. Unless you specifically set out to write a ridiculous story, perhaps it could be better to just occasionally pepper your tale with hijinks or lewd and loud actions.

Whichever way you choose to write your story – first person account, multiple narrators, third person storytelling, etc. – will obviously have an impact on the way you can add humour to your story. It’s up to you as a writer to identify what the sources of your laughter will be, but this can be easier than one might expect.

If you have your novel plotted out, try to think about how it will appear to a reader. Sometimes it can be difficult to do this as you find yourself attached to your work. It may seem funny when it’s not, or more positively, it may be hilarious and you’re unable to see as you have become frustrated with it.

A major comedic element that differs from shorter story writing is your opening. There are hundreds and thousands of novels out there, and for a reader to decide they want to invest their precious time into reading your book, they’re going to want to be impressed from the offset.

By beginning with a bombastic scene, you can really get the reader hooked. Be sure to really think about how you want your story to open, and what vibe you want it to give off. If hilarity ensues from the start, it is probably a good sign, and could very well hook a reader who’s sitting on the fence. Early precedence is important in all novels, and humorous ones are no different.

A lot of people read humorous novels to relax and unwind, so it may also assist you to remember this. Comedy can be therapeutic, so put yourself into the mind of the reader occasionally when writing and ask “would I find this funny?”. If the answer is yes, then that’s a good sign, and you may potentially be onto a winner.

It can be very difficult to get writing comedic non-fiction right. One must think of how the tone will dictate where the comedy will come from, and how it may be received. A badly written comedic account of a war, for instance, could be in poor taste if done incorrectly.

This being the case does not mean that there are not pros to writing non-fictional comedy, however; there is a litany of pros to doing so in fact.

Non-fiction, by definition, means that you’re writing about a realistic account of something that has genuinely occurred. This can be a comedic goldmine, as depending on the event, all you will need to do is recount events in an appealing and immersive way. You can also rely on sources that are unavailable when it comes to writing fiction, such as interviews, media and information libraries.

Having ready-made sources for your story’s background allows for you, as a writer, to focus on what the best – and funniest – way to tell the story is.

If you’re unsure of what you want to write about, but know that you’re interested in writing non-fiction, test yourself by thinking of somebody or something famous, and how you, in theory, would approach writing about who or whatever in a humorous way.

Oftentimes, the potential is endless, but it’s important to think about taste. It is easy to offend when writing about a true person or event, as there will always be somebody or something related to the subject that could draw offence from a humorous retelling of events.

Don’t let this dismay you from writing non-fiction, however. Equally, comedic storytelling can be the perfect way to encapsulate an event or story, be it a biography, a catalogue, a journal or whatever.

  In conclusion, we will go over some of the advice that has been mentioned above.

When writing a comedic story, regardless of form, it is important to:

Listen, watch and read as much comedy materials as you can find and put yourself into a comedic mind-set. It may also help you nurture your own unique comedic voice.

Adding layers to your comedic writing can make it appeal to as many people as possible while not jeopardising the quality of the work.

Being informed about a subject matter is a sure-fire way to improve the quality of your writing, and as a result of this, be funnier.

Just start writing, and don’t stop till you have something. You can edit when you have something to edit.

If you don’t find what you’re writing funny, it is not a good sign. Write something that you would like to read and that appeals to your own sense of humour.

One of the most essential components of comedic writing is surprise. Keep your readers guessing (and laughing) by embracing the element of surprise in your writing.

Regardless of the length of your piece, it is important to have a firm idea of what exactly needs to be done, and when it needs to be done, within the story. Plot out your entire story beforehand and then you’ll be more prepared to introduce comedic elements.

Your beginning, middle and end – know what parts of your story go where, and how you keep it ticking along and keeping the reader invested and entertained.

Funny writing needs to come from a meaningful place. Try to root some of your characters, settings and scenarios in reality – possibly relating to your own experiences – this will serve you well in terms of your writing.

You can’t go into undertaking the writing of a story without being fully immersed in the world you’re creating. Creating backstories and histories adds to depth of a tale and can also be a source of great humour.

Conflict is a realistic and relatable trait that brings with it a lot of laughs if pulled off correctly. The three forms of literary conflict are: character versus character, character versus environment and character versus itself. The latter is possibly the most relatable, as everyone battles themselves in one way or another.

When you’re writing a specific form of literary comedy, it is important to keep in mind:

It’s important to be weary of what you’re going to include in a comedic short story. You want the story to be as funny as possible, without it becoming too long or convoluted. This isn’t to say you should scrap minor details altogether – just be selective in the ones that you choose to use.

Inform the reader of what is essential to know early in the story and then build from there, adding humour from the outset with your characters, setting and dialogue.

Try to avoid spoon-feeding your reader information when writing a short story. It can detract from the experience of reading something and will add unnecessary length to your writing.

Writing a novel is a big undertaking, regardless of genre, so you will want to be fully prepared before you begin writing.

Plan out your story: how you want it to begin, where you want it go, and how it’s going to get there.

Don’t stress yourself with minor details and just try to make your novel as good – and as funny as possible. To do this, you will want to be knowledgeable about your subject matter and have an understanding of what motivates your characters.

The size of a novel means you can approach it in a different way to shorter stories, so don’t be afraid to test your readers as well as make them laugh.

Give particular consideration to your tone when writing humorous non-fiction. It can come off as offensive in done incorrectly, and not in a good way.

One of the biggest pros to writing non-fiction is you will have a readymade collection of sources available (interviewees, libraries, media) so be sure to use them.

Do justice to the story you’re telling by writing about it tastefully and hilariously.

And that’s that!

Hopefully you found this guide to writing literary comedy for beginners helpful and it has given you some tips on how to write comedy, which will be read by others.

It was mentioned above, but it’s important to reiterate:

The single most important thing you can do when it comes to writing literary comedy is to START writing it. Getting started can often be the hardest part, but once you get over that hurdle, you will only see your writing get better and better because of it.

The Ultimate Guide to Writing Literary Comedy for Beginners is an article from Writing Tips Oasis . Copyright © 2014-2017 Writing Tips Oasis All Rights Reserved

Paul likes to think he’s funny sometimes. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram @paulpaulkeegan

200 Hilarious Writing Prompts to Jump Start Your Next Comedy Project.

Do you freeze up when someone asks you to come up with funny things? Are you out of ideas when it comes to writing a comedy skit , stand-up routine, funny blog post, or short story? If so, then keep reading because we’ve got just the thing for you.

In this article, you will learn about 200 hilarious writing prompts that are perfect for jump-starting your next comedy project. With these writing prompts in hand, you will be able to get your creative juices flowing so that the ideas keep coming. Use them as is or adjust them to fit your needs. Either way, they’ll give you something to start with so that your next comedy creation is not just another blank page.

“Do you remember when we used to sit up all night and talk and talk and talk about the coolest things? What happened, man? Why aren’t we still talking?”

“I want to believe.” was not the catchphrase of some obscure nerd, but rather my new way of saying “I need to become an astronaut.”

A bear, a car, a tire, a wheel and a turkey walk into a bar. Sounds a lot like the start of a joke. But it’s no joke when the turkey comes in shooting. And the only joke you get out of it is the one on your tombstone.

A centipede and a butterfly sit outside on a hot summer day playing cards. After a few hands the centipede puts down his cards and says….

A computer woke up in a new millennium, asked itself “where am I?” and answered “Negative Space.” God was not there.

A few of these prompts are more for free writing exercises than for actual stories, but either way they both have potential to inspire your creativity. If you have TONS of ideas flowing about your prompt, zip up your overalls and start writing! If you’re still looking for some fresh inspiration, don’t worry. You’ll be able to get a lot out of these so keep reading!

A Greek chorus of a dozen people stand behind you one by one and speak 2 lines. It is irrelevant as to what they say. It is merely the sound of their voices.

A journal between two friends, one who lost his wife in a car accident and one who has just admitted a one night stand after she told him she is starting to see someone else.

A lifeboat washed up with two skeletons in it. The First Skeleton popped out and grabbed his own pelvis. The First Skeleton’s pelvis didn’t belong to him. The Second Skeleton lunged out and said, “MY pelvis! Now!!” Your house was haunted by a ghost. You almost slept with a serial killer.

A man and a woman want to get married but a mutual need is preventing them from tying the knot for a closer life together.

A man went into a shop, asked for “six back scratchers.” Mentioned ticks. “Been bitten by a dog recently?” he asked. So he asked for a “pea shooter” to “blow all those ticks away.” He said this at an old-fashioned general store. They sold everything from guns and paints to “tack and feed.” “Geesh,” says Bob. “This puppy will blow every one of those ticks right out of their blood.” Lermontov Palmerrell was able to shoot all the ticks away with a pea shooter.

A New York caveman was trying to spelunk, but could not climb up because he had a belly. So he yelped as loud as he could…then a few minutes later, his buddy dropped him a ladder. That’s not real real, but so real it’s real.

A one-armed man is shooting dice with God. God always wins. The one-armed man does not understand why.

A pleasant stroll, or maybe a marathon run is what you usually experienced on your bike tour around your neighborhood and imagined on your couch in front of the TV.

A priest, a rabbi, and a blonde woman with green eyes are about to be executed and they’re out on the garden swing together one last time.

A running joke can be funny or strange and crucial– and, ultimately, mess with your readers’ minds. A running joke also makes your novel stand out in a memorable way. Could Eva repel the biker girls? Could she use lemons to do so? Maybe she could transform into a laser beam and shoot lemon beams at them!

A ship was floating in the water far below the mountains with hope in the captain’s eyes. Here it comes. One second. One…

A Silver Scoter is the most annoying bird in the world because even when it is dead people will throw it into a lake.

A story about a triangular obelisk made of mud-braken and mortar replaced with a different one, solely based on observation.

A subtle discussion of the differences between the dreaming of a historian and the degree to which a character in the fiction believes himself to be real.

A very hot summer day, as you laid your head on her lap, she told you a long, sad story which you never forgot. She was buried in a seaside grave, with her action figures never to be played with again.

A writer, reeling in self-pity over his lack of recognition, searches the nearby woods for some sign of recognition or even a single sapling with his name on it.

After nearly destroying his village, the Lazy Prince makes sure not to repeat the same mistakes again.

After reading these, breathe out or exhale. Still holding your finger against the key, remove your finger and look through them! Breathe out and then do this 2 more times. See what happens.

Ages and ages ago, in a galaxy far away, so long ago we didn’t even know when, back when King Arthur ruled Camelot there was a cobbler…

All of the writing prompts are effective because you have to get right to the point and remove any fluff from the description so you can tell a story in a creative and interesting way.

An astronaut landed and grew tomato plants. If he sees another astronaut do the same, what would he think?

An important lesson for all authors who wish to create scenes of tension – make your characters talk about the farthest thing from the trouble at hand.

An original fairytale about a handsome prince, damsel in distress and a white horse where the prince is the knight with a thousand faces.

And that was that. Abraham Lincoln had saved the country once again, thus realizing his mother’s dream of him becoming President.

And the following prompts are about more common submissions, and my feeling is that they did not deserve an accept, however funny stories.

Arthur was a child of fantasy and truth. Not often could he tell the difference, thus his name, which seemed fitting.

As Gary Larson did for comics, compose a hyper-stylized, exaggerated prose that mimics the surface qualities of a very different kind of writing.

As he drifted off, he pinched his wife’s leg until she hit him on the belly. “Hey!” she said. “That’s not a good idea.” He said, “I was swimming and my head fell off.”

At the murder trial, the prosecutor said that the victim had 30 stab wounds but bite marks showed that 42 teeth to be involved. The murderer confessed, but said that it was a “joint effort”.

But not everything can come from a strange world. Some ideas could also come as a part of a mundane world. Perhaps the bad guy from your story didn’t arrive by meteor, but crawled down the storm drain in your backyard.

Checklist, checklist. What’s something you need to make sure you don’t forget to do on a first date?

Choose people that you think are particularly familiar with someone who is close to you otherwise maybe a little bizarre.

Cold and brittle bark, the delicate touch and the delicate scent. Her hands and lips were mine. Hers and she would not be comforted.

Colonel Sanders bobbed up and down on a pogo stick. Do you think he shouted Colonel Sanders while he did this? Or was he just Colonel Sanders?

Declare pestilence on the previously killer garden gnomes that are now holding your neighbor’s son hostage under your stair step.

Deconstructing the pro wrestling persona – make the wrestler into a non-wrestler and tell why that character became a non-wrestler.

Desperately searching for what idiot lost your pet bunny. The little tyke was wearing an army helmet too. What was he training for?

Destiny doesn’t get out of bed for anything less than two million in cash. Or a really good bacon wrapped filet.

Dogs eat homework. It’s what they do. Period. End of sentence. The end. The era of the Thompson family.

Don’t forget to subscribe to my RSS or YouTube channel or newsletter above for updates on when more funny prompts come out.

During the Time of Gray, no one dared voice their true thoughts in public or in private. It took courage to gain new knowledge.

Einstein never wore greetings. Mohandas Gandhi never wore pants. Amelia Earhart never wore underwear.

Enjoy these and enjoy writing short stories! They are a great way to provide creative writing practice.

Ever walked on the sand and couldn’t find the water? Ever walked on water and not been able to find the sand?

Every action hero story needs a protagonist who needs help getting their suit on. What’s your story?

Every so often, Mr. Grant comes into the break room and does an impression of Clifford Pearson’s grandmother who answers the phone at her nursing home that badly, and you notice that Meeka is terribly upset.

Every time the narrator reached the turning point in a tragic story, cash prizes were shot out of a cannon.

Everyone can be silent and noisy at the same time. You just need to have earbuds that are plugged into your ears…

Everyone else is a redbird and you’re a robin. What happened, how can they all be redbirds and you be a robin?

Everyone from the outside expected you to have your life together. You weren’t to be concerned with anything. Little did they know, you were worried sick about one of the most bizarre things anyone could identify with.

Everyone thought you were Egyptian. But it turned out you were just a little black boy whose father was a dentist for the Egyptian royal family.

Exactly how it sounds—nonsense punctuation. Bold and italic letters if you prefer, use as many words as you wish, be as silly as you want… just make it nonsense.

Figure out a way to be the anarchist you wanted than shouted at by the powers that wanted to redefine the relationship between you and your government without dealing with any government involvement.

Fiona Smythe, a four year old lives whenever her father isn’t around. Once he’s blessedly gone, she transforms into her evil knock-off of Barbie. One afternoon, her father is just about to head out to a business meeting, so he asks her to give him a kiss for luck. The request, of course, makes Fiona sick. Instead, she tells him that Holiday Barbie will kiss him on the cheek instead of “dry rubbing her lips”. Disgusted, the father leaves. The audience expects this story to go down a typical road. But no, when Dad returns home a few hours later thinking he’d made a major business deal, the father is met with a post-it note which says, “I need a bigger attic”. It turns out that, for her “treat”, Fiona took a pretty BB gun and did some barrel racing with a broom handle. Thus, the note.

For a list of funny story prompts from a simplified list and fun exercises, just go to this page . The list is fairly comprehensive but they will prove very useful in terms of idea generation. You can also simply check out my Book, “From blank page to funny page.” and start writing today!

For the first time, the award for the worst fiction is awarded to Chuck Wiener. This is not a story about a man named Chuck Wiener, but rather is the story entitled, “Chuck Wiener’s Hair Journey.” “Chuck Wiener’s Hair Journey” will be printed on paper, and will surely be a literary success.

For the next 25 days, post a comment of interest that relates to one of your writing goals, trading spaces for other wants or wishes . Make it fact-based, funny or fiction. Maybe even all three.

Freeze time for 2 minutes. When the timer goes off, you’ll be one month older. What does the future hold for you?

Frodo realised as he walked down the final stretch of the yellow-brick road that it might not have been quite as easy as all that being the last ring bringer.

Give me this day my daily bread. Other stories stem from the imagination to list ideas. These exercises are fun, excitement and great ideas to use as a springboard for stories. It is all about stopping the gravity of your day. Making your creative mind float up into the clouds with no limitations. To create stories to amuse yourself and anyone who reads them. To write about whatever you like. To write about the people who really interest you. Nothing makes an awkwardly normal person observe and invent rather than someone who is a headliner. Invent your own direction of your story and drive a pit of obstacles. Keep your issues in mind but allow yourself to Spin the idea on its end and make it humorous and crazy fun. Just talking about writing stories can lead to a great idea or even a character for a story!!

Give your character an impossible list of tasks, ridiculous prerequisites, and insane hoops and twirls to jump through. Poetically portray humiliation, the extreme senses of frustration and despair, and/or autism.

Go inside your car and write. Give all the details – make it like no one else could have experienced this exact thing.

God gave you the job of calling all the shots. What happened to make you forget what He had put you on this Earth for?

Hansel and Gretel were lost, children’s bones were forgotten next to the four day old ash of the campfire.

Have a main character that works at a really bad job/preparing clear margaritas at the corner store for a buck.

Have the character use a ridiculously large amount of made-up jargon to describe a situation or event, single-handedly destroying the target’s self-esteem and worldview.

Have you ever noticed that after a person has died, everything in the house goes to the kids? Except for the dirty underwear in the underwear drawer.

Have your main character wake up to themselves having done something absolutely and totally different from your previous work.

He ran into the mead with a paper in hand. He was an author, not just a writer, but a famous…oh, never mind.

He wore a brown fedora and a black trenchcoat. He gave me a wide goofy grin as he drew a gun from his pocket.

Honest Abe’s Honest Axe repair shop is across from Honest Abe’s Honest Auto Salvage. It’s across from Honest Abe’s Honest Sporting Goods in a section of the city where there is little honest business. None of us are getting any younger.

Hope you’ve enjoyed these funny story prompts. If you want some more, let me know and I’ll post more funny story prompts!

How many Jifs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three! One to unscrew the world, one to screw the future, and one to screw the future back on. Or you could just add all your Jifs together…

I knew they were trouble when they walked in. A girl covered in tattoos, and a guy who resembled Johnny Depp.

I saw a cockroach skittering up your arm to your shoulder. Don’t be scared. I’ll grab it and put it outside.

I spent all night cleaning up blood from the lobby. It was hard to get out of the cracks of the floor.

I tried bondage, but you don’t get quite the same screams from younger women after removing their clothes.

I was born a beautiful baby. A beautiful baby in the ugly hospital in the ugly dying town on the dying planet.

If lightning bugs had leaders, they would all decamp to my front yard to live and play vigorously in my dark corners.

If you build a boat, will it hold up? If you build a raft, will it be water-tight? Are you looking out for me? Breathe. In depth. Exhale.

If you could go back in time and witness the birth of anything or anyone, what would it be? What would the circumstance be, what year would it be back to? Where would you be, …?

If you find a way to fulfill your wish or dream would you stop wishing or dreaming? Or would you make the most of it?

If you use somebody’s accent to the point where they can’t speak at all, and then they decide to just leave before killing you, is it okay to say Black tax, as long as you pay it, but don’t actually take a mason jar down from anywhere and hold it out for them to put a quarter in?

Imagine you’re at a job interview for a completely absurd job. What job explains everything that’s happened to you?

Imagine your laundry folder is a person. Cool, yet annoying. So you dump them out in a single heap and they jumble around like an angry drunk.

In a world where noses were big business, two men vied for dominance. One noseless and the other flawed…

In the firelight preparing dinner over a barbecue the beloved grandfather of the family takes a young girl’s hand in his own and says,

Interrogate your lawn mower. Praise him for launching the first successful lawn mower satellite at the feverish apex of his mechanical orgasm.

It has been said that the element of surprise is very important in horror novels. Surprise works extremely well and is oftentimes one of the most powerful tools in horror writing. The element of surprise will help pack a more powerful emotional punch.

It seems only yesterday we had a family of wolves, a family of mice, a family of mice that lived in a wolf, a bulldog and a cat that lived in a bank.

It’s a curse to be beautiful in this life… or was it an enviable blessing it brought wealth and fame…

It’s a tale with no meaning and no point– yet one that must be told elicits the most sympathetic response.

It’s not the same when you explain it to us, so explain it to the whores on the corner outside, the corner of forgotten children.

Junk was gold in California. People would pay top prices just to have back whenever they thought the world was about to end.

Just after his mother had died, he saw the apparition next to him with her arms outreached. Good thing it was seen through the webcam of his computer.

Later, the same boy pushed a goat down the school’s staircases. It’s safe to say he was suspended from the school for a solid week.

Let go of every single bit of sanity you ever had and go completely insane. Hold on to hope and don’t let go of it.

Look both ways before you cross. No one cares about the people or the dog that crosses against the light. If you want to stay alive, you need to know where they are.

Madness victims are happier than the sane, who just want to get fourteen hours of sleep in one night, without the disruption of yet another “loud noise scare”.

Make something funny out of reality. Maybe you want to make a laughing stock of yourself, or you might just want to share the humdingers of reality.

Make the reader think the story is going to follow a straight line, when, in fact, you’re going to take it on a sharp left turn.

Make the thread exactly the right size to fit through the hole, and then turn it one thousand times to the right as you enter the hole… from which things currently come out.

Mom and Dad always loved you best. You were the one they called on to make decisions and rescue them from challenging and inconvenient situations. Be careful…they may be the reason you’re in prison and can’t call your own family.

More great prompts for funny stories include awkward moments, suspicious adjectives, painful events, and first meeting. Once you’ve completed a funny story, share them with friends or family.

Most people are like Slinky. With every step they take, they lose a little bit of their sturdiness and gain a little bit more tually.

My co-worker saved the company from almost certain failure only to have his efforts called into question.

Nanai is a three-toed sloth who mainly feasts on prickly pear cactus to supplement his protein. He has been waiting for fair share solar panels from the energy company so he can stop eating cactus and start spinning his fiber, like many of the young sloths in his community do.

Never say die. Blasphemy? Ten years in prison. No trials, no innocent before proven guilty. Just burn ’em! Burn ’em!

No one ever suspected the minister was actually a serial killer. But the numbers just didn’t add up….

No one ever went into the old meat processing plant since it closed twenty years ago. But one day someone noticed and followed the little trail of steam coming from the roof. When they got to it they were shocked. The smell of meat and fresh blood made them gag. What they saw was hard to believe at first. What they saw made them vomit. You see, the factory was now run by mad scientist cooks. They use meat that people use to buy. It doesn’t come from there. What they cook is so good people can’t resist the smell. Their main item is called Fainiburger. It is so good it is supposed to change from a gas to a solid. Fainiburger is rolled out into a tent where people buy it to go. People were buying all the meat they could get their hands on. It’s a family operated business that parents love to cater businesses with for birthdays, weddings, you name it. It’s just so popular people can’t get enough.

No one was sure if his mother was pushing the boundaries of time, space, and his mouth just to hear him scream.

One of these days is sadly about to be your last. Unless you can think up a quick and clever ending.

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you. — Slight variation on the above creepypasta prompt, “Five Tries Not to Wake up”

Only humans could take over natural resources for ourselves leaving behind a mess for another species.

Orhan Pamuk, a Turkish writer known for The Black Book, grew up in Kaffeebecher, an Arab neighborhood in Istanbul, where he sold lemonade called “Bean and Istanbul.”

Pirates like to focus on the one thing most people would find most morally intriguing–avast, this is the captured story.

Professor Dudley says, “No pain-no gain.” Considering this new-old adage, a sailor on a paddleboard

See what happens when a couple is forced to leave their home by circumstance and the rules and regulations surrounding urban civilizations. The husband eventually ends up building his own home minus a few materials.

Several times during the Second World War Churchill was briefed on recent advances in weapons technology. He’d listen to the reports, only for his eyes to widen, mouth open and jaw drop. Slightly open-mouthed, patting the person on hand, he’d steer them to the door before stepping back into his office. Later, someone would walk in and add in some milk.

She always fell in love with people she shouldn’t and dated guys that were completely wrong for her. And yet, they all had one thing in common. She left you for them.

She ran around with scissors in her hair so they were never able to recognize the color of her hair.

She was the sweetest girl in the whole wide world, but not a day went by without a peacock trying to ride my bike.

So in Havana, this old man yells out, “You so stupid, you had all those Castro’s beat, what’s you firstname?”

Somebody worked really hard drawing something on your face or body. Emphasize how impressed you are that they drew a dinosaur on you, or a plane, or a flower, or a penis, or a pot leaf. It has to have love in the work, of course, and detail. You’ll realize this as the story builds.

Something old… Something new… Something borrowed… Something gray… The time he slipped on a banana skin and broke his leg. The dress she wore on her first date with him. They taught the millionaire to sing his last will and testament.

Sometime in the future, a human might fall in love with a robot and other pieces of monumental fiction.

Start worse and make it progressively worse until it’s extremely out of whack and you suddenly get a happy ending. Springtime for Hitler.

Story about movies or books that sound cool when you’re framing the scene but are terrible when you get down to it.

Tell a story of something that happened when you were a kid. Something you’ve left out of other stories you’ve told.

Tell it all. Do not be sensitive. Trust the reader to catch only the essentials of your story while filling in the gaps. Embrace the fact that there is so much more to understand and experience than you will ever write.

Tell the entire story from the main character’s weakest character flaw if your character is not heroic/has no flaws.

That expression on your face, bemused and awry, one side of your mouth curling up in a mocking half-smile. The blind rage upon seeing my drawings, my close-guarded secrets, the pieces of my heart laid bare, stained in carbon soot.

That hidden side of yourself that usually doesn’t get displayed in everyday company has to be hidden no more because the surprise party your spouse has planned for you is sneaking up on you and it’s going to be occupying every corner of your house, so, get in harmony with yourself…cause it is all out now.

That night the stars didn’t shine because the moon is full every month. And when it’s not it’s a new moon.

The Bakers left the galley messy, so Gavin and his boys decided to contribute to the clean up effort. Consequently, all their masterpieces were saved.

The elevator could only fit one person, so they tossed a coin to see who would go up and bring down the angel.

The greatest mystery of all time hangs in the balance, and your friend and you are the only ones capable of solving it, but they, as they say, are M.I.A.

The Iceman Prank. Buy an 1/8 of weed then go to the freezer. Make all your friends think the weed is just covered in ice. Wake them up, and the Iceman will have come and gone.

The kick is a novelist, struggling to cope with a bad writing day. Unfortunately, she has no idea how to solve this problem. Her Muse has abandoned her, and every word she types expends more agony on her and less on the keyboard. There is no spell for this. There are no charms or potions that will bring the Muse back to her. So, she gets creative.

The kid knocked it 400 yards and because it landed on the road, and not in the field, it wasn’t a home run.

The longer you looked at your face, the longer you were convinced a monkey could do a better job, but he was an idiot.

The man in the big yellow hat wanted to open the biggest lemonade stand ever. So he went out to find the lemons, only to find out that there is no more lemonade. Oopsie!

The man on the train who stared at your arm tattoos for five minutes, despite being surrounded by countless empty seats.

The Most Interesting Man in the World explains why all flags are bad and go 170 kilometers per hour in 45 seconds.

The narrator doesn’t die immediately. Instead, he lives long enough to recount the accident to anyone willing to listen.

The new girl doesn’t have a name. Her real name is impossible to pronounce and occasionally she forgets what it is.

The next time you tell someone to get over it they’ll die. With no one there to bring them back to life.

The Old west meets high-tech study chambers. A Wild West error leads to a bug in the Matrix. Documented incident of spontaneity. Blue heron falls from the sky.

The quirks and oddities of the world are what make it amazing. Don’t be afraid to explore the strange!

The Sheriff and his deputy were riding horses in a park earlier, but then, one horse just started taking off on it’s own. Naturally, the two men wouldn’t let a horse just take them anywhere. The deputy did the only thing he could’ve done, and shot the horse for ‘becoming agitated’.

The story focuses around the things that happened when, with what, who was what, who did what. Sometimes impossibly forced, sometimes just weird, and other times just slightly funny. The point is to be funny. Sometimes done by picking 20-50 completely random subjects, then picking out ones that are funny for whatever reason.

The struggling artist doodled in the margins of the page, oblivious that the words she wrote were changing her world…

The terraforming is a certainty the simulations proved it. Nothing could go wrong, we planned for every eventuality. You can’t hide in spilled milk.

The White Witch is having an important guest over, a scruffy-looking nerdy guy who carries luggage larger than his own body while the creepy yet overdressed butler, dressed in purely white, escorts him to his room. As he disappears down the hall, the White Witch’s daughter walks in to ask her mother innocently where the new guest is staying, wondering if she can play with him. The mother is a bit offended by how this scruffy nerdy guy came to be a guest, and she asks her daughter “Why in the world would he be staying here?”

The wife-in-laws’ husband wife-in-law is a husband wife-in-law was a constant reminder of her own true age.

The woman three houses down has been staying up until three in the morning knitting mittens for kittens.

The woman’s shoulder blades brushed against one another whenever she stretched her arms above her head

There are only five minutes until you have to give the speech and you just realized you can’t speak. Inspiration never strikes at a good time.

There are times when you write for the world to see, and then there are times when you write to see if the words will fit.

There came a time when the world was out of handclaps. In order to resolve this grotesque situation, a boy was conscripted. A boy who had been struck on the head by the iron lever in a closed door accident, and was now incomplete in the lateral portion of his left hemisphere.

There once was a man from Nantucket, who had a whack of almonds, and a lady from Racine, who couldn’t disarm him.

There once was a woman who was so attractive, four men were fighting to their deaths for the right to marry her, but the question was…. Which one would she choose?

There was a family that moved into the neighborhood. Jose, Janet, and Tom. There children Mark, Maria, and Timothy. They were the nicest people you would want to meet. At least at first. One day Mark and Timothy went missing. People looked everywhere for those two boys, but they just couldn’t be found. Then suddenly the rest of the family went missing just two days later. Except the father and mother who were the last to disappear. When people looked around the beautiful house they found more of those flowers and dead bodies all around the backyard AND a port-a-potty. They looked in the bath tubs and the kitchen drawers. The bodies were hidden for a long time until someone they could take care of themselves, or they were just plain stupid. All had the same golden gates and angel wings. Everyone was certain of the fact that the family was a group of satan worshippers.

There was a man they sent to a giant rocket! But something was wrong with the world. Something was definitely wrong.

There was no way, no way someone who eats family pets would possibly have eaten my lost hamster. Right?

TheRedheadand The Spacewoman Are Having a Good Time On The Planet of Orange at the North Pole. Prance Around and Find a Big Piece of Rock To Float To Other Planets.

They must have thought they couldn’t make it through. They split their integral selves between a state and the staid. The steady flux is a thing of delight to them, just as the balance between their vibrant impulsions and the détente is. Contact further cemented their romance, but effect dissipated into sparse numbers. They plummeted, plateaued, and now slowly strut gingerly amongst the pincushion and porcupines. Now that they know themselves incapable of tearing themselves apart, they no longer worry about trying to be whole.

They say curiosity killed the cat. And ever since you got curious about the wrong thing and followed that dog, you’ve regretted every decision you’ve made.

They warned him not to eat the fiddle player, but he did not listen. He did, of course, get sick. Everything in…

Things lay broken and forgotten, scattered as if a storm had swept through somewhere, regretting di…

Things the stars say. Things that wouldn’t disturb, but wouldn’t exactly lull you to sleep at night.

Think about someone you know who is either really short, really tall, or really fat. Have him/her walk into the room.

Think of the space capsule scene in “Wrath of Khan” and what ensues when a man with healthy “curiosity” and a few jumplings of plunk get together.

Think specifically and thoroughly about the last helicopter you saw. Then the last car you saw with its lights off. The last bag of bird seed.

This is more of an art technique. You pick a cool or funny sentence and then crop Griff before while typing it or doing something.

This list is a good way to begin when you don’t know what else to write. It gets the creative juices flowing and can open up new events to put in your flash fiction.

This one is great because it gives you the opportunity to tap into a deep, dark place in your soul and create a detestable Exceeder with one simple adjective…

Three little pigs. Pop! Goes the first pig’s house! Pop! Goes the second pig’s house! Whoops! There goes the big bad wolf… Oh, no…Not the third little pig’s house.

Throw your main character in a situation that is completely wrong and confusing for him/her. His/her normal behavior will seem very out of place.

Travel back in time to observe a historical event, alive and in person. Use your knowledge of the future to influence the outcome of said event.

Two co-workers ran into each other they hadn’t seen in a while. “Good to see you,” they greet. Then one says a little sarcastically . . .

Unplug everything. Feel your breathing. Slowly have a panic attack. And then plug it in and forget about it.

Until society is prepared to accept its place within the natural order and begin setting reasonable goals for alternatives, there is no choice but to rely on the perpetuation of primitive and environmentally atrocious technologies like nuclear power.

We demolished a small, defenseless, sandcastle and the world crushed us like it crept up on a surprise party.

What happens when you put the world’s grumpiest man in front of a mirror, and let him complain and moan about his life for ninety minutes…?

What if every word you wrote was written in pineapple upside-down cake? Would anything make any sense?

What if everything you thought you knew about vampires and the undead was a total lie? What if they were just people?

What is the funniest short story you have ever written, but really should sell because it’s really funny.

What is your ultimate reality television experience? Take Lana Condor On A Blind Date spoof scene from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han for example! What is your ultimate reality television experience?

What shapes do you see in the pattern of life? Stories can create emotion, setting, likability, and help people learn about themselves and others. A believable story can capture the reader’s attention, if the grammar and sentence structure are good, then they should be able to read the story smoothly. If every aspect is perfect, that means nothing else is left undone. The tale could almost tell itself. The setting could almost design itself. If everything in a story feels real or plausible, then it lived up to the expectations.

When bored at a convention, one is advised to see the before and after photos. That should liven things up.

When my headlights were going out…no one knew that the red lights on the road were actually stop lights.

When there was nothing but sand in the brick, you had to pick up one of the bricks. Maybe it was my brick? Was my brick the one picked up last?

When your life looked like a stick drawing, only with a few scattered among your two dimensional reality.

Build your writing habit, start today.

Join thousands of writers today and write more.

• Short Stories
• Competition

Writing Advice:

• Are Writing Competition Prizes Taxable?
• Author Interviews
• Being a Writing Mentor
• Best Books On Writing
• Book Promotion & Marketing Tips
• Book Publisher Case Study
• Comma Usage
• Competitions: Book & Novel
• Competitions: Essay & Non-Fiction
• Competitions: Flash Fiction
• Competitions: Poetry
• Competitions: Short Story
• Competitions: Short Story Collections
• Competitions: Young Writers
• Could You Win A Short Story Contest & Become Its Judge?
• Creative Writing Prompts
• Crowdfunding a Novel
• Do You Make These 7 Big Mistakes When Entering Story Contests?
• Do You Overuse Exclamation Marks?!
• FREE Writing Critiques
• How Long is a Short Story?
• How to Become an Amazon Bestseller
• How to Make Money Writing & Blogging
• How to Overcome Writer's Block
• How to Self-Publish a Book on CreateSpace & Amazon
• How to Set Up Your Own Writers’ Workshop Critique Group
• How To Write A Better Book Through Market Research
• How to Write a Short Story

How to Write Comedy

• How to Write Flash Fiction
• How Winning An Award Can Help You Become A Published Novelist
• Newspaper Articles
• Quotation Mark / Inverted Comma Usage
• Reading Events
• 6 Copywriting Skills You Need to Succeed
• 7 Creative Writing Tips No One Else Will Give You
• Self-Publishing Case Study
• Short Story Magazines
• Should You Use Swearing in Stories?
• Special Offers, Discounts & Deals for Writers
• The Most Common English Words
• What is a Short Story?
• What is Plagiarism?
• Working With an Editor: Example Case Study
• Writing Challenges
• Writing Competitions
• Writing Course Case Study
• Writing Discussions/Disagreements
• Writing Groups
• Writing in English as a Foreign Language
• Writing Residencies
• Writing News

Follow me on Twitter. Find me on Facebook. My Facebook Business Page. Connect with me on LinkedIn. Subscribe to my YouTube channel.

Subscribe to my mailing list

Quick links on this page:

• introduction
• comedy should be used to support an amazing story
• how to use humour in stories
• things to avoid in comedy writing
• learn from humorous films and books
• humour is subjective
• funny stories
• useful links to other comedy resources

Introduction

This post contains lots of comedy writing tips and advice to help you pen a successful funny short story.

I’ve used some real-life humour writing examples, taking extracts from my own published stories to clearly illustrate how the tips were used in practice to achieve success.

I’ve also highlighted some common mistakes made by authors trying to write humorous tales so you can avoid them.

ha ha ha haaa ha haah haha ha ha hah he heh heeeee ha haaaaaa he

back to top

Comedy Should Be Used to Support an Amazing Story

Writing comedy isn’t easy. Many authors struggle to place humour so it sits naturally and unobtrusively within a story.

I run and judge To Hull & Back , a humorous short story competition offering a £1,000 top prize. Because of this, I’m fortunate to read all sorts of different styles of comedic stories from writers residing all over the world. The best funny short stories I read all have the following in common:

The writer uses humour to support a great story.

They do not try to be funny for the sake of being funny.

Think of a story like a roast dinner. The main focus is the meat – beef, lamb, pork, chicken or whatever. Gravy is used to compliment the meal. In this analogy, the story is the meat and the humour is the gravy.

If the beef is chewy, or the chicken dry, an awesome gravy is not going to make the meal enjoyable, even if it’s cooked by Nigella Lawson.

A story is the same. The characters need to be excellent, the plot gripping, the idea original and engaging, the presentation professional. The humour should simply complement the story, giving it style and making it more enjoyable to read.

The same principle can be applied to any style or genre of writing. For example…

Just because you have a vampire, a derelict castle, some screaming virgins and copious amounts of gore, does not mean you have created a horror story filled with suspense and intrigue.

Just because you have a handsome hero who can drive really fast without crashing, stand in the middle of gunfight without getting shot and blow shit up without hurting any innocent bystanders, does not mean you have an entertaining action thriller.

The story itself – its subject matter, its moral, its meaning – is the most important aspect of any successful tale.

me looking stunning with lights on my head, ho ho ho

How to Use Humour in Stories

I find the best way is through:

Let’s look at these individually. I’ll use some real-life examples in this section.

If you give your characters a sense of humour – particularly the central character whose viewpoint you are likely to be writing from – their voice can add a comedic tone to the story in a natural way. For example, they might make funny observations about events, the situation or other characters and use amusing synonyms.

In my story ‘ Devil’s Crush ’, the main character, Joshua, has a strong sense of humour – it’s all that’s allowed him to keep his mind after losing his legs at war in Afghanistan. This allowed me to add a tinge of dark humour to the story, despite its serious subject matter.

In the story, Joshua encounters a demon. This is his description of the demon when it first appears:

I know the demon is a he because he’s naked. He’s a he with the right to be proud of just how much of a ‘he’ he is. His skin is the colour of burnt rust, his body slender yet muscular and he wears a goatee on his chin more like the animal it is named after than a man. His two horns are long and curved like warped blades of molten rock, his hairline a mass of flickering flames and in his eye sockets are two glowing coals which ping and hiss like the embers of a dying fire in the breeze. He is the source of the acrid stench which fills the room.

The second sentence in this paragraph delivers an element of humour without detracting from the description. This comes from Joshua’s voice – the way he sees and describes things. As the story is told in the first person, I used this tone throughout. It’s not laugh out loud hilarious; it simply adds an amusing undertone that helps engage the reader. Joshua’s sense of humour also helps develop his character, adding depth and believability to a fantasy story in a subtle manner.

The situations characters find themselves in can be amusing. This is often used very successfully in sitcoms.

The danger here is making the situation slapstick in an unbelievable way, with characters acting out of character or a plot being manipulated to generate a laugh. This can feel unnatural and disengage a reader. While common in sketch shows, this is not appropriate for a short story. Readers expect more depth.

When writing, I find it’s the way the characters react to the situation that makes it funny, not the situation itself.

An example can be seen in the video below. This is a very famous scene from the UK sitcom Only Fools & Horses .

Del falls through the bar - famous Only Fools & Horses clip

It’s the way Trigger (played by Roger Lloyd-Pack) reacts to the situation after Del (played by David Jason) has fallen over that makes this so funny.

Here’s an example from one of my stories. In ‘Shot in the Head and Left For Dead’ the main character, Dave, is in a band. He’s playing at Wembley Stadium in London and half the crowd have turned into zombies. It’s the way Dave observes, describes and reacts to what he’s seeing that makes the situation amusing.

There’s a gore-fest of pandemonium going on in the audience that would make Quentin Tarantino proud. Half of the crowd are trying to eat the other half’s brains. The ones who are reluctant to have their heads ripped open are trying to run away and, or, kill their attackers with anything they can use as a weapon, including bits of other people. Things couldn’t be redder – it’s like a tomato puree production factory.

Before I can fully digest the scene, a mass of smoking devilry dives out of the sky and starts munching zombies like a ravenous bulldozer. It’s about the size of a three-bed semi. Its teeth are as big as buses and it stinks like sulphur.

I look at the rest of the band. None of them seem to be zombies, although it’s always hard to tell with the rhythm section. At the side of the stage I notice two of the roadies eating one of the sound guys, while my guitar tech is using a spare Les Paul to try and behead what used to be our A&R man. Everything is turning to shit faster than swill through a pig.

I grab Maiden’s arm. "Fuck the fuck," he says. "What the bastard?" Eloquently put. Kind of sums up what I was thinking.

"Noise," I scream. "We need to make lots of it."

He looks at me like I’m mental. To be fair, he might be right. Bollocks to it. This zombie-monster-fest is coming to an end. Now.

The events that are occurring are fantastical. Dave’s voice brings humour into the situation. The characters are confused, not acting quickly, which seemed believable to me. While the situation might be so ludicrous it’s amusing, the characters remain in character – they don’t act how I want them to act; they act how they should, given what’s happening around them.

I often write without excessive plotting as I find this allows me to develop characters naturally in this manner. I always write with an end in mind (it helps steer a plot in the right direction) but don’t plan the detail. It works for me. Why not try it yourself?

What characters say and how they react to what is said can be very funny. Dialogue is the method I use most frequently to add humour into a story.

‘Death of a Superhero’ is a story that contains a lot of amusing dialogue (it isn’t available to read online, but is in the 1st To Hull & Back short story anthology or you can hear it on YouTube ). While what is said is amusing, the main purpose of the speech is to reveal the story and develop characters.

In this story the main character is Death. He is faced by a recently deceased woman who is pretending to be Batman.

“You’re listed here as Doris Claymore,” he said.

“Never heard of her,” said Batman.

Death reached out and stroked the decaying blade of the scythe that rested against his desk. “This is quite simple, Doris. To progress peacefully into the afterlife, you need to confirm your name. It means I can be certain of who you are, what you’ve achieved in life and, therefore, where you should spend eternity.” Death dished out his best glare. As glares go, it was pretty impressive. In the past, it’d made stars think twice about shooting. “Can you tell me your real name please?”

“Already told you. I’m Batman.”

“How can I put this politely?”

“No need to be polite,” said Bat-Doris. “Got skin as thick as armadillos, us crime fighters.”

Given the invite, Death decided to be blunt. “Not only is Batman fictional, he…” Death left a pause which he hoped would scream with meaning, “…is a man.”

“You have breasts.”

“They’re pecs.”

“No, they’re breasts,” said Death, “and Lycra does little to mask their magnitude. I feel I should add that Batman was always depicted as an athletic individual, at the peak of physical fitness. Clearly, you’re not.”

A tear trickled from beneath Doris’s mask, suggesting her skin might not be as thick as she’d led Death to believe. “OK,” she whispered, “point taken.”

Despite the scythe, the rotting cloak and the distinct lack of flesh coating his crumbling bones, Death was a sensitive individual. He disliked causing upset. Most people found the experience of dying traumatic enough, without him being disagreeable.

In a more gentle tone, he said, “Good. What’s your real name?”

“Bruce Wayne.”

As you can see, the dialogue in this extract helps to develop character and reveal the plot, making the reader want to find out what happens next. Death and Doris have clear voices – Death has an underlying sense of humour, while the humour is Doris’s words come from her defiance to admit the truth. The question is, why is she behaving like this? Well, if you read (or listen to) the whole story you’ll find out.

'Death of a Superhero', a funny short story performed by Christopher Fielden

Things to Avoid in Comedy Writing

Being funny for the sake of being funny.

Don’t try and be funny for the sake of it. Humour needs to evolve and present itself naturally. If you chuck in a slapstick moment when your story doesn’t need it, it can disengage the reader.

For example:

Arthur is the central character in a story. He’s having to come to terms with how he’s slowly losing his wife to Alzheimer’s. The story is written in a humorous style – Arthur is an amusing character and his sense of humour allows him to find ways of dealing with the pain his wife’s situation is causing him.

If, during the story, Arthur is at B&Q and needs to urinate but is so desperate that he decides to use a display toilet and gets caught by a member of staff, is that funny? Does it fit?

Well, it depends how it’s handled.

If the situation is placed in the story to generate a laugh via bared willies in a busy shop and inappropriate torrents of urine, then no. The reader will not be able to suspend their disbelief. They will disengage from the story and ask questions like:

• Why didn’t Arthur just go to the toilet provided for customers?
• If he was that out of control of his body, wouldn’t he just wet himself?
• Why am I reading this story? I think I’ll stop…

The act Arthur is performing wouldn’t seem realistic or believable. Yes, I’ve seen very similar situations presented in stories submitted to the short story competition I run many times.

However, if Arthur acted like this on purpose, to gain attention or help, and the B&Q staff member was a kind young man named Jim who wanted to help Arthur, then the situation and their conversation could be presented in an amusing manner. It would have a point and add to the story, revealing character development and plot. In this situation, it’s not the bared willies and public urinating that’s funny, it’s the resulting conversation and reason behind the situation occurring in the first place.

Bodily Functions

In everyday life, farting, poo, wee and snot will always be funny. However, in writing, these subjects have been covered comprehensively for decades by extremely talented writers and actors. It’s very hard to come up with an original way of inserting amusing bodily functions into a story.

I’m not saying don’t do it, I’m simply saying be very careful if you do – make sure your story requires Grandma to fart, for example, rather than just putting it in there for the sake of it.

Because Pauly (a good friend of mine) is a teacher, I’ve been lucky enough to judge a children’s humorous writing competition for his school. 95% of the stories kids aged 7-9 write involve farting, poo, wee, vomit and/or snot. That’s what children find funny.

Bear that in mind when writing for adults. While some of us still smirk when we drop a violently aromatic guff in a confined space shared with a loved one, it doesn’t always translate into a gripping focus for a story’s plot.

When I judged the competition for the school, I did this short video for Pauly to show the kids. I thought I'd include it here as it's about humorous writing.

me, talking about comedy writing

Avoid clichés. When you read a lot of short stories, like a magazine editor or a competition judge might, you encounter a lot of clichés – the same hackneyed phrases, used time and again (see what I did there? I’ve highlighted it in blue in case you missed it…).

Clichés become clichés because they are commonly used. This means they are not original. They do not help a writer create a unique voice. They do not engage a reader. They are unlikely to help you become a published author. More often than not (I did it again, did you notice?) they will lead to stories being rejected.

Cliché doesn’t just refer to common phraseology. It also refers to overused themes and subject matters. For example, I find a lot of older writers tend to write about people struggling to come to terms with retirement:

• Wives that find their husband’s constant presence annoying
• Husbands who decide to take up DIY to fill their time and make hilarious (often not…) mistakes
• Couples realising they have grown apart now their children have left home and try to do something about it

I see these types of stories a lot in the competition I run. If you’re going to tackle a subject matter like this, you must come up with an original angle.

Below is a video by InkTears CEO Anthony Howcroft. It’s entitled ‘How to Win a Short Story Competition’. It’s worth watching the whole thing, but pay special attention to tip number 1.

Exclamation Marks

Exclamation marks do not make your writing funnier. If you use more than 1 at a time, they do not exponentially add hilarity to the previous sentence. In fact, they can have the opposite effect.

In my experience, many writers overuse exclamation marks, especially when trying to write comedy. There is plenty of advice on this elsewhere and opinions do differ. Still, the best comments I’ve seen are by Terry Pratchett and Elmore Leonard which were shared by the Guardian on Twitter.

The humour in a story should be natural and obvious. Exclamation marks should not be necessary for a reader to understand the joke. I don’t use exclamation points at all in my own short stories. When I edit the To Hull & Back humorous short story anthology every year, I remove them all. Am I right to do so? Feel free to discuss in the comments below.

Canadian author, Olivier Breuluex, recently took me up on the offer at the end of the previous paragraph. Our discussion was interesting, so I created a blog post from it. You can read it here .

Learn From Funny Films & Humorous Books

You can learn a lot from others. When you read a funny book, or watch a comedy film or TV programme, enjoy it, but ask questions:

• What makes you laugh?
• Is it the situation?
• Is it something someone has said?
• Is it how people interact?
• Is it the strength of character?
• Is it gags and jokes?

I find watching funny scenes a second time allows me to appreciate the techniques used to make someone laugh. First time through, it makes you chuckle. Second time through, ask yourself why you found it funny. You can then apply the same techniques to your own writing.

The authors I’d suggest reading are Terry Pratchett, Tom Holt and Douglas Adams. Yes, I like funny fantasy stories, and these gentlemen are the best in the field. Whether you like their style or not, you can learn from reading their work.

Here are a list of the funniest books I’ve read:

• A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson
• Paint Your Dragon by Tom Holt
• Puckoon by Spike Milligan
• The Discworld Novels by Terry Pratchett (I think there are 44 novels in total – see reference here )
• The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (and all the sequels) by Douglas Adams
• The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 ¾ by Sue Townsend

TV Programmes

I think Only Fools and Horses is a great TV series to study. The stories are good, the characters incredibly strong. It’s usually the way they interact and talk to each other that makes the situation funny. John Sullivan had a talented way of switching from quite an emotional scene to something funny in a natural way. You can learn a lot building character from watching that programme – Del Boy and Rodney are incredibly strong and identifiable.

Others that have wide appeal and have been very successful:

• Absolutely Fabulous
• Fawlty Towers
• Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
• I’m Alan Partridge
• My Name is Earl
• Only Fools & Horses
• Police Squad!
• The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
• The Simpsons
• The Vicar of Dibley

Well, there are many. The ones that make me laugh the most are:

• Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
• Blazing Saddles
• Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
• Dr. Strangelove
• Dumb & Dumber
• Ghostbusters
• Monty Python’s Life of Brian
• Shaun of the Dead
• The Big Lebowski
• The Blues Brothers
• The Man with 2 Brains
• The Naked Gun
• The Pink Panther Strikes Again
• The Producers
• There’s Something About Mary
• This Is Spinal Tap
• Trading Places
• Wayne’s World

Humour is Subjective

It’s worth mentioning that humour is subjective. What one person finds hilarious might irritate another. You can never hope to please everyone when writing a funny story, so don’t try to. Select an audience and try and appeal to them.

For example, I tend to write fantasy stories, and add the humour via the methods described in this post. It’s not ‘laugh out loud’ hilarious humour, it’s more subtle and underlying, often giving the stories a dark undertone. This doesn’t appeal to everyone, but I have been successful with the style and had a lot of stories published.

So don’t give up if one person doesn’t like your work. Listen to a wide range of opinions before deciding whether your use of comedy works or not.

Funny Stories

There are a lot of comedy short stories available to read for free in the short stories section of the site. Many are written by me, but there are some by other authors. I am now publishing work from other writers. Please visit my submissions guideline page to learn more.

As a measure of quality control, every story featured on my website has been previously published, either through short story competitions, magazines or writing journals. So each story has been successful and deemed as being publishable by professional editors and competition judges.

Accompanying each story you will find information about how and why it was successful. This is to help other writers learn and apply tips and advice that are proven to work to their own writing.

You can also read lots of humorous short stories in the To Hull & Back anthologies. So far I’ve released two. At the time of writing I’m currently in the third year of running the competition.

You can learn more about the anthologies via the links below:

• To Hull & Back short story anthology 2016 contains 29 humorous short stories
• To Hull & Back short story anthology 2015 contains 26 humorous short stories
• To Hull & Back short story anthology 2014 contains 27 humorous short stories

Useful Links to Other Comedy Resources

Below are some useful links to other posts about writing humour.

• How Do You Write Good Comedy? by the Independent – features tips from comedy writers like Andy Hamilton, Graham Linehan, Holly Walsh and Ross Noble
• Comedy Writing Tips by the Guardian – concentrates on comedy script writing

How To Write a Short Story, Get Published & Make Money

If you found the information in this post useful, you might like my book ‘ How to Write a Short Story, Get Published & Make Money ’.

It contains lots of very detailed information about my experiences of writing funny short stories and getting them published. I use a lot of real-life case studies in the book, showing the reader whole stories rather than extracts, so they can fully understand how I used the different tips and advice to achieve success. I also share details of how much money I’ve made through writing, giving readers a clear idea of how much work is involved and what they can expect to earn from their own writing.

As always, your comments are welcome and I do my best to reply to everyone.

Please use the form below.

This page may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure policy .

Leave your comments

Please use the form below to leave your comments. All comments will be reviewed so won't appear on the page instantly. I will not share your details with anyone else. Most recent comments appear at the bottom of the page, oldest at the top.

Your Details:

Please prove you're a human by entering the security code in the box below: 7080, your comments:.

Shirley M I spent yesterday learning how to write horror stories so here is another option, many thanks.

Chris Fielden Thanks, Shirley. Good luck with your horror writing :-)

Steph M Useful, thanks Chris. I'm up to over 33,000 words now on my book Top Hat Man. Phew.

Chris Fielden Thanks Steph.

That’s excellent news about the book – quite an achievement. Congratulations :-)

Chris D Hey Chris, I have actually been thinking about the issue of comedy in the modern age a lot... there is an awful lot of political correctness out there and it is interesting to me to see that things that people of our age find (found?) funny severely disturb younger people. I have a number of different projects in various states of disarray no doubt some of which could get me tarred and feathered in certain quarters.

Paul B Thanks Chris, I'm going to start working on a humourous piece this week so thanks.

Chris Fielden Chris - I know what you mean. I tend to ignore being PC – I think it can go too far sometimes. As long as you laugh with others and not at them I think you can poke fun at most things without causing offence. That’s what I like to believe, anyway!

Paul - excellent, good luck with it :-)

Mark F Nice!

Jan D Hello Chris. Humour, as you so rightly say, is subjective. Fantasy and Science Fiction attempts at humour leave me cold. As does resorting to foul language. Wee and poo jokes are hilarious to children and old boys.

I think humour should be used to break down political, cultural and religious barriers. Let's all laugh at ourselves and others. Beneath every successfully funny joke lurks something sad or serious. My interest (I'm 65 soon) is in comedy script writing.

Wishing you continuing success with your short stories.

Chris Fielden Hi Jan, thanks for commenting. I agree - using humour to break down barriers is a good idea.

I wish you the best of luck with your script writing endeavours.

Chris D Thanks for the reply.

I was working all weekend on a long story (10,000 words!) which I have been attempting since 2013 and will eventually finish. In your experience, is there any kind of market for stories of such a length? It has the same kind of realism as your story about the war vet - it's just much, much longer. I know it is sort of a grey area between the short story and novellette/novella family, so I don't want to waste my time sending out to magazines that don't consider that length of story. Any advice most appreciated!

Chris Fielden Hi Chris. The market for stories around the 10K length is a bit limited – most competitions and magazines ask for anywhere up to 8,000 words. But there are magazines out there (and a handful of competitions) that accept stories of that length. You’ll just have to do a bit of research I’m afraid.

Luckily there are some good lists on my site which can help you get started :-)

Margaret M Dear Chris, thank you for your writing advice.  Do you like David Sedaris? I met him in Bournemouth and he was so... nice.  I am a sad elderly (66) woman, with almost constant hip pain and MS. Husband has ME, so you can imagine the fun we have some days.  I write most days and will enter your  To Hull and Back Competition.  At present have RSI, but what's life without whimsy? LOL

Chris Fielden Hi Maggie, sorry to hear about the MS and ME. I'll look forward to reading your entry :-)

Aimee J Hey Chris. Sorry for being a bit of a bother, but does sarcasm generally work well in regards to making a situation humorous?

Chris Fielden Hi Aimee. It can do - it depends on the situation, characters and plot. Just ask yourself whether sarcasm fits and adds to the story.

I think it's subjective really, so there isn't a yes or no answer to that question I'm afraid.

Billy C Thank you for this.

Chris Fielden No problem, Billy :-)

Jeanne J Hey Chris, do you know you're 'shot in the head...' link goes to a pink shopping site? Anyhoo, hope to send you something funnier that.

Chris Fielden Hey Jeanne. Hmm... nice shopping site. Looks like the old site the story used to be on has been hacked so I've removed the link.

Thanks for letting me know - muchos appreciated.

Cheri J Very helpful, thank you!

Chris Fielden No problem, thanks Cheri :-)

Nick B Hi Chris. Brilliant article. I'll be coming back to refer a number of times. As it happens, 2 of my favourite authors are Douglas and Terry. I love the Discworld series - especially those involving the Night Watch characters. I've just started writing again after a 10 yr break. I'm doing fantasy and attempting comedy with it. Two firsts for me. Thank you. Hope I can produce something you would be proud of.

Chris Fielden Thanks very much, Nick. It sounds like we have similar tastes when it comes to reading.

I like the Night Watch stories too. I saw a stage production in London and Paul Darrow (of Blake's 7 fame) played Sam Vimes. It was great.

Anyway. Good luck with your writing. I hope the 10 year break gave you lots of time to come up with some good story ideas :-)

Wesley W It seems I've been making people laugh anyway. I'm wondering, I've got a pile of flash fiction that might raise a laugh, and am thinking I might try one of them.

Chris Fielden Always nice to hear from a fellow humourist, Wesley.

Good idea re flash fiction. There are an ever growing number of opportunities for very short stories. I list many opportunities for flash here .

I hope that's helpful - good luck with your stories and submissions.

Linh N Do you know any comedy podcasts?

Chris Fielden Hi Linh. There are hundreds of them...

I'd recommend just doing a Google search so you can find some that appeal to you.

The BBC is quite a good place to start.

Zoe I This helped me learn a lot of things about writing comedy stories, thanks a lot to Christopher.

Chris Fielden You're welcome Zoe :-)

Ellie A The bottom two links in your "Useful links to other comedy sources" section no longer work.

Chris Fielden Thank you for letting me know, Ellie, very much appreciated. I have removed the offending links.

The copyright of the stories and content published on this website remain with the author.

Christopher Fielden and all the other contributing authors published via this website have asserted their right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the authors of these works.

The stories and articles on this site are provided for you to read free of charge subject to the condition that they are not, by way of trade or otherwise, copied, lent, sold, hired out, printed or otherwise circulated in any format without the author’s prior consent.

55 Funny Writing Prompts To Inspire Your Inner Comedian

Hands up if you’ve enjoyed a funny series or movie lately and hoped the writers were well-paid for their work? 

Laughter is good medicine.

So, think of the comedy writing prompts in this post as our contribution to making the world a healthier place.

If you love to make people laugh but you’re struggling to think of funny topics to write about , we’ve got you covered. 

The real challenge is deciding which prompt to use first. 

Funny Writing Prompts 

Enjoy this list of 55 funny writing prompts. And keep track of those that stand out for you. 

1. Write about someone trying to explain to a teacher that their dog did, in fact, eat their homework.

2. Write about two characters — with entirely different lives and personalities- switching bodies.

3. Write about a little boy accidentally switching bodies with his dad for a day.

4. Write about someone playing the perfect April Fools Day prank.

5. Write about someone who accidentally buys a fish that can talk — and it isn’t exactly polite.

6. Write about someone who is friends with a hero and a villain. They don’t keep this a secret, but it does make for some interesting conversations.

7. Write about a hero and a villain rescheduling their battle due to a scheduling conflict.

8. Write about a superhero whose greatest threat is their younger sibling.

9. Write an analysis paragraph that makes an ordinary object sound infinitely complicated.

10. Write a poem about Tupperware.

11. Write about the origin of an inside joke.

12. Write a story about someone who can’t stop saying what they think — much to the dismay of those around them.

13. Write a character with a personality based on your favorite song.

14. Write a comedy script about a food that you hate.

15. Write a story about a deck of cards coming to life. How do their personalities mix with each other?

16. Write about someone trying to escape the afterlife.

17. Write a story about a great historical figure learning how to use the internet. What do they find online when they Google themselves? Do they like it?

18. Write about a character who wakes up to find out the world is ending. Even stranger than that, everyone around them is celebrating.

19. Write a story that begins with the words, “Tuesday is always the worst day to rob a bank.”

20. Write about a woman who promised her firstborn child to several different witches. Now that a baby is on the way, she has to deal with a custody battle.

21. Write about a hero who accidentally falls in love with the daughter of their arch enemy.

22. Write about an alien race that believes ants are the most organized civilization on earth.

23. Write about Greek deities taking a class on Greek mythology. Which parts of the curriculum do they have issues with?

24. Write a story about Ares — the Greek god of war — getting trapped in the body of a preschooler.

25. Write a story about a chicken that accidentally hatches a dragon egg — much to the concern of the local population.

26. Write a story about an immortal who keeps finding increasingly creative ways to avoid the grim reaper.

27. Write about someone who takes up a career as a nanny. The adorable baby they’ve been hired to care for is, unfortunately, the antichrist.

28. Write a slow-burn love story that is narrated by a very impatient narrator.

29. Write a story in which the narrator hates the main character. This leads to lots of passive-aggressive side comments throughout the story.

30. Write a story that begins with the words, “Unfortunately, fire is not the solution to every problem.

31. Write a short story about a burned-out retail employee deciding to spend his last day messing with the worst customers. 

32. Write about a farmer who wakes up able to understand what the animals on the farm are saying — on the day he was planning to butcher some of them for food.

More Related Articles

61 Fantasy Writing Prompts To Stoke Your Creativity

66 Horror Writing Prompts That Are Freaky As Hell

67 Thrilling And Chilling Mystery Writing Prompts

33. Write a story about a famous Hollywood paparazzo who’s decided to retire and finds himself the object of unwanted attention (for reasons he’s about to learn). 

34. Write a story where you agree to house-sit a new “smart home” for a famous celebrity. Turns out the house is a bit glitchy. And it all begins in the bathroom.

35. You’ve just finished a string of speed dates and are preparing to spend the evening alone when your attractive new neighbor asks you to watch their pet rock. 

36. Write about a support group where members meet every month to discuss their mistakes and to “say anything.” 

37. Your cat wakes you up one day to let you know his kind have taken over the world. If you want to continue living, you’re now his “personal assistant.” 

38. The dogs of the neighborhood are meeting to build a resistance to the worst humans in the area. You follow your dog one evening and learn the truth. 

39. Write about something you should NOT have tried at home — but you did, anyway, with more or less predictable consequences. 

40. You buy something online and are so excited about the money you’ve saved — until it shows up. 

41. You’ve started a blog based on interviews with villains, and your first interview guest has just arrived at your agreed-upon meeting spot.  

42. Write a short story about a waitress who just dumped her boyfriend spending Valentine’s Day working at a restaurant, serving over-the-top romantic couples.

43. You’ve been holding it together, but when your grocery bag rips open as you’re crossing the street, something snaps… and you turn into a dragon. 

44. The pharmacy absent-mindedly packages the wrong prescription for you. Fortunately, the mistake isn’t fatal to you — but it does have consequences. 

45. Your new date drags you to a coffee shop that’s hosting local comedy routines, where you find, to your horror, that your oversharing dad is the main attraction. 

46. You’re answering an ad for a local “expert” who promises they can rid you of writer’s block for the rest of your life. The contract is unusual, to put it mildly.

47. After days of frustrating writer’s block, a breakthrough comes at the worst possible moment. And you can’t help yourself. 

48. You’ve just converted an old school bus into a mobile home to travel the country,  and after advertising for a traveling companion, you’re interviewing the top five. 

49. You’ve just finished a high-stakes version of rock-paper-scissors. You’re one of the “lucky ones.” 

50. Write a story that starts with “I hereby resign my position as neighborhood tooth fairy for the following reasons…”  

51. You’re at an open house for a property you’re looking to buy, and you hear a loud bang. You turn to see a plume of smoke rising from the garage next door. 

52. Write about an embarrassing moment that still makes you cringe when you remember it — but add a twist. 

53. You’ve decided to be a stand-up comedian, and the next day, you hear a laugh track every time you say something out loud. Was it always there?

54. You agree to a blind date only to come face to face with your arch-nemesis from school. 

55. You’re a superhero interviewing candidates for a sidekick position. One of your interviewees is your favorite barista, who also happens to be a supervillain. 

Now that you’ve looked through the whole list, which funny writing prompts stand out as your favorites? 

And how are you most inclined to begin your next story? 

• With a bit of dialogue?
• With a quick dive into an active disaster scenario?
• With a pithy summation of a lesson learned the hard way?

Think about how some of your favorite stories begin. Then commit to choosing one of these prompts today and making it your own. 

Which will you write about first? 

Leave a Comment Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed .

How to Write Comedy: Tips and Examples to Make People Laugh

So you want to write comedy? But you’re not sure you can make people laugh? It’s a valid concern: being funny doesn’t come naturally to everyone. 

But humor is a great way to grip the reader and make them feel emotionally attached to your story, so, understandably, you’d want to include it in your writing. In this article, we’ll cover all the essentials you need to know to strike a humorous chord and get your audience chuckling.

What is Comedy?

There are different types of humor and humorous writing. Which one you write will depend on your personal style. Let's have a look at some of those types.

Types of Humorous Writing

What kind of medium do you want to write comedy for? Did you know that there are many kinds of humorous writing, both meant for the written medium, as well as types adaptable to the screen for audiovisual mediums? Here are the most common ones:

• Stand-up: A stand-up comedy features a single comedian, up on a live stage, telling humorous stories to make the audience laugh.
• Sketch: A sketch is a short humorous scene performed by a group that usually lasts a few minutes, but can last up to ten minutes. These are generally recorded and played back on TV. 
• Improvisational: Improv is a form of (usually comedic) theatre where the plot is made up on the spot. The actors come together without much previous planning and simply bounce off of each other to make the audience laugh.
• Short story: Short stories in comedy are just like short stories in any genre. Usually, over 1,000 words, they typically focus on a single plot, and develop this plot to the max, playing on every detail to make the reader laugh. A short story can be intended for reading or adapted to the screen.
• Novel: If you’re looking for an ongoing laughter experience, comic novels are your friend. Works of fiction or based on the author’s life, this type of comedy requires an extended plot, or many plots and characters getting thrown into the mix together, to form a novel-sized work.
• Comedic TV shows: Also known as sitcoms, we’re all familiar with these and everyone has their favorite - from Seinfeld to Friends, Scrubs, or Big Bang Theory, we all love a comedic TV show. 
• Movies: A full-length feature generally lasting ninety minutes or longer, comedy movies are a very popular medium in the comedy genre. These days, you can find comedy movies to suit all tastes. 
• Social media: Yes, it’s true! The digital age has seen emerge a new type of comedy - social media comedy. This isn’t a new thing. Remember the Vines craze? Those six-second video clips designed to make people laugh? Nowadays the trend has moved over to Reels on Instagram or TikTok videos, but the idea is still the same: short videos posted on social media platforms to get people to chuckle.
• Musical comedy: A musical comedy is a story told mostly through music, for entertainment purposes, and to make the audience laugh. These can be performed live on stage, or pre-recorded for airing on TV.

This list of comedy types is not exhaustive, and these works could be fiction or nonfiction, or even a mixture of the two. It’s helpful to know which medium your piece of writing is going to end up being because you’ll need to know whether your audience is going to be reading it, viewing it, or hearing it, as this will affect the delivery. It will also affect the structure of your piece, and this requires planning.

For instance, if you’re writing comedy for a stand-up show and you have several characters in your story, the delivery of each character is up to you and you only, versus in a movie where you can rely on actors.

In a sketch, the storyline will primarily focus on one specific incident, whereas a stand-up will require some sort of story arc.

Different Types of Humor

As well as different kinds of comedy writing, there are also different kinds of humor. Here are a few:

• Topical: Using current events to make people laugh
• Satirical: Poking fun at the faults of society, organizations, and people and using them for comedic effects.
• Bodily: This one's fairly self-explanatory. You guessed it: farts, poop, and other bodily functions are used to make the audience laugh.
• Dark: Using topics typically seen as serious, painful, or taboo to make jokes.
• Wordplay: A witty type of humor that uses words in a clever way to twist them into puns, double-entendres, and other hilarious results.

We won't go over all the types of humor here, as there are many to cover. But this should give you an overview of a few types you might identify with. It can be helpful to decide what your type of humor is. This way you can watch other comics in the same genre and use their material as inspirational, and educational to help you with your own progress as you write comedy.

Elements of Funny Storytelling / How to Be Funny

When writing a comedy, many different elements come into play, and you mustn’t underestimate the importance of any of them. Humor is a very fine affair, after all. 

So what exactly you should pay attention to? Keep on reading, as that’s what we’re about to dive into.

The Importance of Characters When You Write Comedy

You’ll want to settle on your characters fairly early on, as these play a big role in your story. After all, they’ll be the ones delivering the lines and the emotions.

Relatability 

Firstly, you’ll want to make them relatable. “Relatable to whom?”, we hear you ask. Relatable to your audience. So think about who your audience is. Think about what they struggle with in their daily lives. Think about the things that pull at their heartstrings, what frustrates them, and what they get up to each day. This will help you create characters that your audience can imagine being. 

Laughter is a response to an emotion, after all. 

If your audience feels like the characters really get them, they’ll relate to them. They’ll feel sad for them, and they’ll laugh with them. 

Credibility 

The other key to writing great characters in a comedy is to build them a personality. And remember to have them act how they would act, not how you would like them to act. They must be credible. Your audience has to believe that they really would act the way that you’re having them act. 

We recommend basing your characters on real people you know. You don’t have to name them, of course, and we aren’t recommending you reveal their secrets and private life to your audience, but there’s a real benefit to cherry-picking parts of people’s personalities that you meet throughout your life. Comedy material is everywhere, friends! Plus, this will help you steer clear of stereotypes and cliches. 

If you have one person in mind when creating a character, try to think of other people you know who resemble them. It can be tricky to write comedy as it can quite easily veer into the grotesque if the characters are unrealistic, and you’ll lose your audience.

Self-deprecation

Using your own life is also a great source of comedic material. One particular way this is often done is through self-deprecating humor. This means poking fun at your character traits, physical aspects, or even misfortune. A great example of a self-deprecating character is Chandler, from Friends.

This helps the audience really relate to you, or feel superior to you, which is a commonly used technique to get the audience on your side. 

Be careful though, using yourself as the butt of a joke is risky business. There’s a fine line between a little light-hearted self-deprecation, which can be hilarious, and being straight-up tragic, which can just make your audience feel uncomfortable and sorry for you. 

Avoid crossing that line by using self-deprecating humor sparingly. Rather, sprinkle it throughout, rather than making it the central focus of your story. 

A balancing act

If your story includes more than one character, you’ll need to think of how these characters bounce each other out. If you have villains, you’ll need good guys. Is one character super uptight and well-presenting? Include another who’s maybe a little unhinged and always puts their foot in it. 

And then think about how these traits would interact with each other to create humor.

The Skill of Storytelling

Storytelling is a talent that you are either born with or not. And if you’re not… that’s just too bad! 

No, we’re joking of course. You can totally learn it. 

Storytelling comes in handy in so many situations - not just when you write comedy. From marketing to getting a job, or even educating others, your ability to tell a good story can have a big impact. When we say “tell a good story”, what we really mean is telling a story the way your audience wants to hear it.

Put it this way. Imagine you’re interviewing for a job as a salesperson, and you have experience as a waiter and teacher. At first glance, it might seem that your experience is irrelevant to the job you’re applying to. But depending on you tell the story, you can change the interviewer’s perception. You could tell them, for instance, about the way you excelled at upselling desserts to your customers or the times you had to help them decide what to order by assessing their needs and recommending the best dishes. 

You could also tell them how in your role as a teacher, your negotiation skills were often required in order to manage a classroom full of children, and good negotiation skills are key to a sales role. 

Can you see how if you went into that interview with no idea how to tailor the story to the interview, there’s a very small chance you would walk away with that job? It’s the same thing with comedy. Know your audience, understand what they want to hear, and tell them a story. 

How do you do that? Practice, friend. Practice. 

Practice telling your stories out loud 

Do this in front of a mirror, or record yourself to listen back so you can hear how you sound. Is your story fun to listen to? Do you sound funny when you tell it (this is important if you’re writing a comedy that you’ll be narrating out loud)? How’s your timing and rhythm? 

Practicing beforehand also enables you to experiment with different props, gestures, and styles. Again, this is helpful if you’re going to be on stage, for a stand-up show for example.

We also recommend practicing in front of friends or family. Choose people you know will be honest. Get their feedback, and implement the changes they suggest, if you find the advice to be valuable. 

Use writing prompts to practice

Storytelling is a muscle that needs to be exercised. You could try using prompts to write a new story every day. This way, you’ll practice a range of different scenarios, and grow more comfortable over time. We promise your stories will become more and more elaborate; you’ll surprise yourself!

Educate yourself

There are an endless amount of books, Ted Talks, online courses, in-person classes, and other educational resources to help you learn - and excel at - any skill. Use them! That’s what they’re there for. 

Learn from the pros

This somewhat carries on from the previous suggestion - watch the pros and learn from them. Watch a comedy every day, observe the storytelling techniques they use and the way they inject humor into the story. Practice the same techniques.

Talk to others

Your story has characters, right? What better way to create believable and relatable characters, and use them to tell your story than to know and understand people?

Talk to them, ask them about their experience, how they would react to a given situation, and so on.

Authenticity

We all tend to think that we’re the only ones who feel the way we do. You’d be surprised how many people can relate to your story. Authenticity can be felt, and people warm to it. Be open about your experience of life and you’ll attract your people.

Be controversial

Many steer clear of controversial topics because they can really divide a room. But controversial issues tend to be emotional for people, as they’re tied to strong feelings. And getting into people’s feelings is a great storytelling technique and an even better way to get people to laugh - if you get it right. 

Use everyday topics

Think of all the sitcoms you know that just use everyday storylines to highlight the absurdity of … well, life. And that’s what we love about these shows. That’s what makes them funny. 

How to Use Humour in Stories

There are some well-known techniques that you can use when you write comedy that’ll help get the audience on your side and crack a smile. We’re outlining some of these below, so you can use them in your own writing. 

Create a predicament

As Judd Apatow notes in his online masterclass, “Difficult circumstances lend themselves to comedy.” Create a predicament for your characters. Have them make a bad decision that gets them into a sticky situation. And build your funny storyline from there. Remember to keep their reactions realistic though, based on the personality you’ve given them.

This is similar to creating an inside joke with your audience. Carefully place pieces of information that you’ll later pull out again to deliver a punchline. Careful not to wait too long though - you want your audience to know what you’re referring to. 

Don’t abuse callbacks though. Three or four times in a show is funny, any more begins to feel old and recycled.

“Reforming” 

Reforming is a technique used a lot in comedy where you twist a cliche. In other words, guess what the audience is going to expect, and build up the story so they continue to think that is the direction you’re going in. Then, at the last minute, throw them a curveball and transform the cliche. 

Plus, incongruity is hilarious.

Use funnier alternatives

Some words just sound funnier than others. When you go back and read through some pages you wrote, see if you can’t swap out some of the words for something funnier. We also recommend you make a list of the funner alternatives, and over time you’ll have a repertoire of funny words.

Choose the appropriate build-up

We’ll keep this one short and sweet: the longer the build-up, the bigger the payoff should be.

These should get you off to a good start. Now, moving on to one of the most important aspects of writing comedy.

Want to Write Comedy? Consider Your Audience!

Who are you writing for? This is an incredibly important question to ask, as it will inform the kind of jokes you tell, and how you deliver the humor in your piece. 

If you want to write comedy, you need to know humor is subjective.

What does your audience find funny? What is their lived experience each day? What do they struggle with? 

And as you practice, it’ll pay to note what your audience does find funny. How many laughs does a particular joke get? Don’t get too attached to jokes you find hilarious; if your audience doesn’t laugh, the joke might have to go.

Things to Avoid When You Write Comedy

Finally, we’re going to cover some common mistakes that you should avoid when writing comedy. These could save you a few awkward moments; you’re welcome! 

Going overboard

If you’re too over-the-top, you could come across as silly, or grotesque. Or worse, you could overpower the plot. Trust that your story is funny enough to entertain and make people laugh. If you try too hard your audience will see right through your act.

Underdeveloping the story

Puns and unfortunate situations aren’t enough by themselves to make a comedy. Just like scary monsters aren’t enough to make a horror. The story is what makes the success. Relatable characters, realistic situations, authenticity, and all the things we’ve covered in this article. Those are the elements that’ll help make your story great. 

Omitting the background

Does your audience need some context to understand the intended meaning? Is it necessary for the joke to land? If so, make sure you provide that. You can build this up throughout the story, or give the information they need when the time comes.

Being an imposter

If you’re trying to write comedy in a style that’s not your own, or be funny in a way that isn’t true to you, this will be obvious. Your audience can smell this a mile off.  This is why it’s so important to explore and nurture your funny side, through practice, education, and other recommendations we provided earlier.

Giving up too soon

Writing comedy isn’t a piece of cake that you can dust off in an afternoon. It’s all too tempting to watch the end result and assume the process was easy and the comedian came up with the puns in his sleep. The reality is that a lot of thought and hours, even weeks of refining have gone into each and every show. 

Haven’t you noticed that stand-up comedians only release a new show every few years? And the same can be said for any type of comedy - or any art form, for that matter. They are few and far between. 

Waiting until you’re ready

If you wait until you’re ready, you might never start. Get writing, practice, refine, and then - and we can’t stress this enough - get your material before an audience. You need to see how people react to your stories in order to know if your jokes are landing. We recommend an open-mic night. Nothing like performing in front of a group of strangers who are unprepared and raw, as you know their reactions will be genuine.

Final Thoughts

We hope that you have found this article helpful and that you feel you have some tools now to write comedy. 

Most of all what we’d like you to take away from this is to practice, practice, practice. And then get yourself out there.

And remember, don’t give up, persevere, get advice from people who are ahead of you in the game, and support from loved ones around you. Take time to refine your craft. Writing comedy is an art, and art doesn’t happen overnight. 

Good luck, you've got this!

Learn More:

• How to Write a Monologue: Tips and Examples
• How to Write a Postcard (Tips and Examples)
• How to Write Height Correctly - Writing Feet and Inches
• How Long Does It Take to Write 1000 Words
• How to Write an Inequality: From Number Lines or Word Problems
• How to Write a Letter to the President (With Example)
• How to Write Like Ernest Hemingway
• How to Write a Follow-Up Email After an Interview
• How to Write a Formal Email
• How to Write a 2-Week Notice Email
• How to Write an Out-of-Office (OOO) Email
• How to Write a Professional ‘Thank You’ Email
• ‘Most Definitely’: Meaning, Proper Usage, and Alternative Phrases
• 'Weird' or 'Wierd': How Do You Spell 'Weird'?
• Grammar Book: Learn Basic English Grammar

We encourage you to share this article on Twitter and Facebook . Just click those two links - you'll see why.

It's important to share the news to spread the truth. Most people won't.

Add new comment Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

Post Comment

28 Funny Writing Prompts to Help You Start Your Next Piece

By: Author Paul Jenkins

Posted on September 7, 2022

Categories Writing , Inspiration

Do you ever get stuck when trying to start a writing project? It can be tough to get the ball rolling, but with these funny writing prompts, you’ll be able to jump-start your creativity. These prompts are designed to help you develop ideas for stories, articles, and other writing pieces. So whether you’re struggling to find inspiration or just want something fun to do, give these creative writing prompts a try!

Funny Writing Prompts to Help You break out of Your Shell

The point of these funny writing prompts is that they set up scenarios that can launch a comedy or humorous story. Let your imagination run riot with these funny story starters:

• A character wakes up one day to find that they’ve been turned into a giant chicken.
• A character tries to take over the world but is thwarted by a group of unlikely heroes at every turn.
• A love story between two people who can’t stand each other.
• A character wakes up one day to find that they are a cartoon character.
• A hapless individual tries repeatedly to solve a Rubik’s Cube but never succeeds.
• A group of friends goes on a Road Trip from Hell.
• The story of a musician who can’t seem to catch a break.
• A group of friends tries to start their own country, but things quickly go awry.
• A comedy about aliens who come to Earth and are shocked by how humans live their lives.
• The story of an average Joe who suddenly discovers he has superpowers.
• Two enemies are forced to work together to survive against a common foe.
• In a future where Smurfs have taken over the world, one human rebel tries to overthrow them and restore humans to power.
• Over one day, the world goes crazy, and all hell breaks loose.
• Write a story in which a character tries to return a product but discovers that the return policy has changed.
• Write a story in which two people try to one-up each other with increasingly ridiculous puns.
• Write a story in which two people have a conversation consisting entirely of movie quotes.
• Write a story about an office worker finding out that their co-workers are aliens.
• Write a story in which a character tries out for a reality TV show but discovers that the producers have ulterior motives.
• Write a story in which a person wakes up to find that they’ve been turned into their favorite animal.
• Write a story in which everything someone says is interpreted literally by the people around them.
• Write a story in which a coffee shop barista gets revenge on a rude customer by wreaking havoc on their life.
• Write a story in which four office workers find out their cubicles are portals to parallel universes.
• Write a short story from the perspective of a gumball machine
• Write a parody of your favorite children’s book
• Have an argument between two people who are trying to sell each other the same item
• Create a world where energy drinks are currency
• Have an ongoing conversation between two people who are stuck in time loops
• Brainstorm a list of possible consequences that could occur if animals could talk

Breaking Down Humor: What Makes Something Funny?

What exactly is it that makes something funny? Is it the way the words sound coming out of someone’s mouth? The facial expressions they make? The timing of the joke? All of the above?

The psychology of humor is a fascinating topic and one that has been studied extensively. There are many different theories about what makes something funny, but one of the most widely accepted is the incongruity theory. This theory posits that we find something funny when it violates our expectations somehow.

For example, let’s say you’re at a party and see someone slip on a banana peel. Seeing someone violate that expectation will be funny if you expect people to walk around at parties without slipping on banana peels. On the other hand, if you expect people to slip on banana peels at parties (perhaps because you’ve been to a lot of parties where that’s happened), then it’s not going to be funny.

It’s also worth noting that not all expectation violations are equally funny. The more surprising or unexpected the violation, the more likely we find it amusing. So, in the example above, if the person who slipped on the banana peel was wearing shoes with really good traction, that would probably be funnier than if they were barefoot.

Another important factor is whether or not we think the person who violated the expectation did so on purpose. If we think they did it intentionally (for example, they slipped on the banana peel as part of a prank), that’s usually going to be funnier than if we think it was an accident.

Of course, other factors can affect whether or not we find something funny, like our personal experiences or beliefs. But in general, violations of expectations are a good place to start when trying to figure out what makes something funny.

Another important element of humor is audience engagement. It will not be funny if a comedian tells a joke and no one laughs. Knowing your audience and what they find humorous is a big part of making people laugh.

Timing is everything when it comes to comedy. A jokester who can deliver a punchline at the right moment can often get a laugh out of even the grimmest of audiences. The same is true for your writing!

Getting an Inside Joke to Work

An inside joke is a shared joke between friends or family members that usually arises from a shared experience. The humor comes from the fact that only those there can understand why it’s funny. To someone outside, an inside joke may seem nonsensical or even mean-spirited. But to those in on the joke, it’s hilarious.

Inside jokes often come spontaneously, but they can also be created deliberately. For example, you might create an inside joke with your co-workers to help make your job more fun. Or you might have ongoing inside jokes with your friends or family that only get funnier over time.

There are a few things that make an inside joke work. First, there has to be a shared experience or frame of reference between the people involved. Second, everyone involved must be in on the joke. And third, there has to be some element of surprise or unexpectedness to the humor.

How to Use Social Media Discoveries to Inspire Humor in Your Writing

Social media is teeming with content begging to be made fun of. From absurd memes to nonsensical trends, there’s no shortage of material for comedy writers looking for inspiration.

Where to Look for Inspiration

The sky’s the limit when it comes to finding inspiration on social media. However, a few places, in particular, tend to be breeding grounds for hilarious content. We recommend checking out the following:

• Meme pages : Memes are the perfect fodder for comedy writers looking for laughs. If you’re unsure where to find them, a quick search on Facebook or Instagram will yield tons of results. Once you’ve found a few meme pages you like, check back regularly for new content.
• Trending topics : Keeping tabs on what’s trending on social media is a great way to find inspiration for your writing. Whether it’s a funny take on current events or a clever commentary on pop culture, there’s always something to write about when you know what people are talking about.
• Celebrity accounts : There’s nothing quite like following a celebrity on social media to get your daily dose of absurdity. From Kim Kardashian’s over-the-top posts to Kanye West’s sporadic Twitter rants, celebrities always offer plenty of material for those looking to poke fun.

How to Use What You Find

Once you’ve found some potential sources of inspiration, it’s time to start using them. But how, exactly? Here are a few ideas:

• Write a parody : Take a popular meme or social media trend and put your spin on it. Not only is this a great way to get some laughs, but it can also help you sharpen your satire skills.
• Create characters based on what you see : If you encounter an especially ridiculous post or piece of information online, use it as the basis for a new character in your writing. Chances are, your readers will get as much of a kick out of them as you did when you created them.
• Do a “social media experiment” : Use social media as the starting point for a short story or larger work of fiction. For example, what would happen if two people with completely different worldviews got into an argument online? Could they ever see eye-to-eye? Or would the gulf between them be too wide to bridge? Let your imagination run wild and see where your story takes you.

The Art of Writing a Funny Scene

If you’re a writer, chances are you’ve been there before. You’re in the middle of writing a scene, and suddenly, the characters aren’t acting as you want them to. The scene falls flat, and you can feel your reader’s attention begin to wander.

Don’t worry – it happens to the best of us. The good news is that there are ways to get your characters back on track and ensure that your scene is as funny as possible.

Know Your Characters

One of the most important things to remember when writing a funny scene is to know your characters inside and out. What makes them tick? What are their defining characteristics? What would they do in any given situation? Answering these questions will help you write a scene that is true to your characters and their personalities.

Make Use of Dialogue

Dialogue is essential in any good story, but they’re especially important in a funny scene. Why? Because dialogues allow you to show what’s happening between your characters, not tell. They also allow your readers to “hear” the characters’ voices in their heads, making the scene more relatable (and therefore funnier).

Use Sarcasm Wisely

Sarcasm is often employed in funny scenes because it allows characters to say one thing while meaning another – usually the opposite. However, sarcasm can be a tricky thing to use well. If not done correctly, it can come across as mean-spirited or confusing. If you use sarcasm in your scene, make sure it’s clear that the character is being sarcastic. Otherwise, you risk losing your reader’s attention (and their sense of humor).

Timing is Everything

Timing is crucial in comedy in real life and on the page. A well-timed delivery can make even the simplest joke hilarious. When writing a funny scene, pay attention to your jokes’ timing and ensure they hit at just the right moment. Otherwise, you risk falling into the trap of “too soon” or “too late.”

Remember – Not Everyone Finds the Same Things Funny

Last, it’s important to remember that not everyone finds the same things funny. What makes you laugh might not make someone else laugh – and that’s okay! The trick is to find what makes your particular audience laugh and run with it. After all, if they’re laughing, then you’re doing something right.

How to Make the Most of a Fun Writing Prompt

Writing can be a lot of fun – but it can also be pretty daunting, especially when staring at a blank page. That’s where writing prompts come in! A writing prompt is a great way to jumpstart your creativity and get your mental gears turning. But how do you make the most of a writing prompt? Read on to find out!

• Take a few minutes to just think about the prompt – what does it make you think of? What sort of story or scene does it suggest to you? Jot down a few ideas, even if they’re just vague images or snippets of dialogue. This is a great way to start without feeling like you have to commit to anything.
• Once you’ve got a few ideas, start fleshing them into a more concrete story . What happens next? Who are the characters in this scene? What do they want? Why are they there? The more specific you can get, the better – but don’t worry if everything isn’t clear just yet. You can always go back and revise later.
• Now that you’ve got the basics of your story down, it’s time to start writing! Write as much or as little as you want – there’s no right or wrong answer here. Let the story take you where it wants to go, and see where it takes you. You may be surprised at what you come up with!
• Once you’re done, take a step back and read over what you’ve written . Is there anything you want to change or add? Anything that doesn’t quite make sense? Now’s your chance to fix those things up before moving on.
• And that’s it! You’ve now written something inspired by a prompt and had a blast doing it too. Who knows – maybe this is the start of something big! Either way, pat yourself on the back – you did it!

Secondary Classrooms Bring Humor to Your Class With These Entertaining Texts

Ellie Viggiani

These nine funny and satirical stories are sure to amuse your students!

Humor is a powerful literary tool that conveys important messages about life. Reading funny or satirical stories is a great way to make your students laugh and think critically at the same time!

Here is a great selection of texts from CommonLit that will amuse your students while also pushing them to engage in deep textual analysis.

“ Dragon, Dragon ” by John Gardner (6th Grade)

In this comical short story, three sons try to slay a dragon. The first two young men are overconfident and do not take their father’s advice seriously. They fail and are gobbled up by the dragon. The third son listens closely to his father and slays the dragon, saving the kingdom. Students can use this story to discuss how the author uses humor to convey an important message about hubris and wisdom.

“ Southpaw ” by Judith Viorst (6th Grade)

This unique short story follows the correspondence between two ex-friends during baseball season. Janet is furious that Richard refused to let her play on the baseball team because she is a girl. Throughout the season, their interactions become increasingly hostile and ridiculous. Eventually, Janet successfully negotiates positions for herself and other girls on the team. This text will make your students chuckle and also prompt them to reflect on gender equality.

“ Seventh Grade ” by Gary Soto (6th Grade)

This hilarious story perfectly captures the feeling of a first crush. Victor is starting seventh grade and is determined to get Teresa to notice him. He attempts to impress Teresa in French class by speaking fake French. Later, though, things get complicated when Teresa asks Victor to tutor her. This sweet text will resonate with middle school students who are navigating the sometimes awkward parts of growing up.

“ The Night the Ghost Got In ” by James Thurber (6th Grade)

In this amusing short story, a boy believes he hears a ghost walking around the house. The boy’s mother also hears footsteps, which she assumes are burglars. The misunderstanding spirals out of control and ends up involving the entire family, neighbors, and the police. This text provides a great opportunity for students to analyze how the author uses humor to convey an important life lesson.

“ Us and Them ” by David Sedaris (7th Grade)

In this essay, David is surprised to learn that his neighbors, the Tomkeys, do not have a TV in their house. Curious, David spies on his “unusual” neighbors, judging their strange ways. Over the course of the story, David’s feelings and actions become more exaggeratedly selfish and judgemental. This text will make your students laugh out loud but also reflect on how judging brings out the worst in people.

“ The Three Century Woman ” by Richard Peck (7th Grade)

In this lighthearted story, Megan’s Great-grandma has lived during three centuries, and a cast of reporters are dying to interview her. When the reporters seem disinterested about Great-grandma’s present life, she tells them wild, made-up stories about scary disasters in the past. Your seventh graders will completely relate when Great-grandma says that being a teenager was actually the scariest time of her life!

“ They’re Made Out of Meat ” by Terry Bisson (8th Grade)

In this wacky short story, two aliens abduct humans from Earth. The aliens are shocked that the humans are entirely made out of meat, which they consider a primitive life form. They decide that despite the humans’ accomplishments, “meat” is not worth their time and they will explore other parts of the universe for more sophisticated life instead. Have students dig into this story to analyze how the author uses humor to convey an important message about prejudice and assumptions.

“ The Nose ” by Nikolai Gogol (9th Grade)

In this short story, Major Kovaloff is known for chasing women and climbing the social ladder. Much to his surprise, he wakes up one morning to find that his nose has disappeared! The absence of his nose causes Kovaloff great distress, but when his nose returns, he goes back to his old ways. This classic short story provides students with a great opportunity to analyze how the author uses satire to critique vanity.

“ A Modest Proposal ” by Jonathan Swift (12th Grade)

In this well-known satire, Jonathan Swift proposes an outrageous solution designed to highlight the government and upper class’s lack of concern for people living in poverty. Swift suggests that impoverished Irish parents should sell their children to be eaten by wealthy English landowners. He goes on to detail the social and economic benefits of this unconventional transaction. This classic text provides students with a great opportunity to analyze how an author’s tone helps convey their message.

Are you a teacher looking for more great content on CommonLit? Browse the CommonLit Library or come to one of our webinars!

If you are an administrator looking to leverage CommonLit in your school or district, our partnerships team can help. We offer benchmark assessments, professional learning, and more!

Chat with CommonLit

CommonLit’s team will reach out with more information on our school and district partnerships.

50+ Short Funny Stories That Will Crack You Up In 60 Seconds

I curated these funny stories from funny Tumblr stories . Get ready for a hurricane of LOL as you read all these funny short stories.

1 . Now that’s what I call stupid : In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs. We never had a second date.

2 . The fake report card : I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card. I did this every quarter that year. I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake. She was PISSED—at the school for their error. The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

3 . All the fish : I went to this girl’s party the week after she beat the shit out of my friend. While everyone was getting trashed, I went around putting tuna inside all the curtain rods and so like weeks went by and they couldn’t figure out why the house smelled like festering death. They caught me through this video where these guys at the party were singing Beyoncé while I was in the background with a can of tuna.

4 . How to win at video games : When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin , except it was called Nicktropolis . And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password. So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids). I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.

5 . Drama at my drama class : One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure. Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.

6 . I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard : My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue. I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.

7 . The day my teacher stole my headphones : During my sophomore year of high school, we were doing silent work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud. I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking ruthless. He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year.

8 . Oh—semen : When I was in high school, I was pretty quiet around people who weren’t my friends. The high school’s wrestling coach also taught geometry, and he was my teacher. This resulted in a lot of wrestlers skipping class and barging into our classroom to hang out and not get in trouble. One day, seven wrestlers come in yelling about new wrestling uniforms, and how excited they were. When they go over and pull out the uniforms, the whole class is kind of side eyeing them. Even without what I mention next, the suits look funny. I mean, it’s tight royal blue Spandex with a suspender style top. Absolutely funny already. But the wrestlers grab the uniforms and rush out of the room to go change in the bathroom, and come back to show them off. Which, is also hysterical because Spandex hides NOTHING; you could see all of their junk.

Anyway, we live in a town called Ocean City. It’s commonly abbreviated as “OC”. On the back of the Spandex uniform, it says Ocean City Men in large letters. Except… they used the abbreviation. On the back, it says OC MEN. Which isn’t awful, but then I sound it out in my head. OC MEN. Oh—semen. I almost spit out the water I was drinking.

I looked around frantically, trying to find out who I can tell, because I didn’t have any friends to tell in this class. I turn to the girl next to me, and I had no idea who she was and had never talked to her before. I told her what I found and we both cracked up.

The whole time she saw me as the quiet teacher’s pet who was shy as hell. The first words out of my mouth were “It says oh semen.”

We’ve been best friends for 7 years now.

9 . Ow, my shit! : When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.

Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.

I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”

Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”

When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.

10 . I swear to God he levitated : I have a friend who I’ve known since I was very little. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture. About half way to the hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most powerful fart any of us had ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”

11 . We don’t have a fucking doorbell : So a couple years I moved out of state with a boyfriend. Was super excited about it but with reason had anxiety about being so far from friends and family. One of the ways my anxiety was coming out was with nightmares and night terrors. I’d wake up violently sitting up in a cold sweat, gasping and whatnot. On one particular night I had woken up the sound of our doorbell ringing. Which at 4 in the morning is fucking nerve wracking. So I shook my boyfriend fully awake and told him I heard the doorbell and to go check it because I was scared. He quickly jumps up. Puts on clothes and grabs a bat. Goes all the way to the front door and opens it. I, scared shitless, am peeking around the corner watching it all go down. I see him step outside and I nervously await the verdict of the situation when I hear him call out to me. “Babe?” And I respond real shaky, “Yes?” He stands in the doorway with a real frustrated tired look in his eyes and says, “We don’t have a fucking doorbell.”

12 . The whole school thought I was going to star on Drake and Josh : In second grade, I told everyone that I was leaving school before next semester to move to Hollywood to play Megan’s cousin from Vermont on Drake and Josh . At first I just told my best friend, but then the whole school found out. I had people coming up to me and asking me for my autograph and a teacher even asked for a picture with me. When I showed up on the first day of school in third grade, I told everyone that the show was going off the air after the season finished (even though I had no knowledge of when it was ending), and so they wouldn’t need me. AND THE SHOW ENDED AFTER THAT SEASON AND EVERYONE BELIEVED ME UP UNTIL LIKE 6TH GRADE BUT NOW MY BEST FRIEND WILL NEVER LET ME FORGET ABOUT IT AND I’M SO ANGRY.

13 . Classroom Chaos : So in 8th grade I used to read during class a lot. At the time I was reading an Artemis Fowl book, and for some reason I had two copies of the same book. So one day in my English class we were reading this other book (which I had already finished reading three days earlier), I was reading my own book and when it was finally my turn to read, I had no idea where we were. So the teacher took my book away, I found my spot, read the part and passed it to the next person to start reading.

So after I read my part, I took out my second copy of Artemis and picked up right where I left off. Skip a few minutes ahead, gets back to my turn to read, and again I don’t know where we are. So teacher takes a look at me, sees the book in my hands, then back to her desk obviously confused for a second. But shrugs it off knowing it’s me she’s dealing with (I’ve caused similar problems like this before), takes my second book and puts it on her desk, and makes me read my part.

Now my friend that sat two chairs down from me was also reading Artemis at the same time as me and with a quick look to him he knew exactly what I was planning. He took it out and passed it over without hesitation. I opened to a random spot and just pretended like I was reading. (At this point it was just to mess with my teacher.)

So skip forward again and my teacher sees me with the book again and says, “How many of those do you have?” I gave my smartass remark as “enough.” She took away that book, too. But now at this point I was out of books, and the rest of my class knew it. But the teacher didn’t know I was out. So she continued with her lesson and another friend of mine took two of her books and switched out two of the Artemis books on her desk to make them look like they were still there.

He passed the books slowly around the room, one at a time, until they were back to me. Then I took one out, opened to a random spot and just kept it open, waiting to get caught. I silently signaled to a few people in class and they started laughing. The teacher looked at what they were laughing at and saw me with yet another book. She looked at her desk where there were seemingly 3 Artemis books and saw me with a 4th. She took it, walked back to her desk, put it down, turned around, and saw me with the second book that got taken back on my desk!!!

The teacher thought she was going to win this game but underestimated my teamwork with my classmates. So the second she came over to me to take the seemingly 5th book, another classmate took back the other two books from her desk and split them up—sending one to me one way, and the other another way.

The teacher was very flustered and laughing hysterically at this point and there was no more teaching going on. The entire class was also going ballistic trying to see who would win. It was just a game of “How many books does this one 8th grader have?”

So at the end of the class she thought she had taken 11 books from me. I took pity on her and told her what was really happening. I told her that I had already read the first book, and all the teamwork that went on. We were both laughing and making jokes. In the end she agreed to let me read my own books as long as I kept track of the actual book we were reading. (Meaning, I ask the person next to me tell me when it’s my turn and they point out my spot to read so I don’t actually have to keep track.)

14 . Victoria’s no longer a secret : So my oldest brother Ethan doesn’t like wearing pants while at home, he wears boxers (because he’s a gentleman) but REFUSES to wear pants.

So one day we’re all just chilling on the couch when Ethan comes in wearing his boxers. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on.

Eric leaves the room, goes upstairs, comes back 3 or 4 minutes later without pants in my underwear, and not just any underwear; Victoria’s Secret, MY VICTORIA’S SECRET (only girl in the family).

Ethan is laughing his ass off, Nate (next oldest brother) is rolling on the floor, and I’m just sitting there like WTF.

My dad chooses the best time to come in with guests, when one of his 10 year old sons is standing in the living room wearing his only daughters frilly Victoria’s Secrets, his oldest isn’t wearing pants, and the other two sons are on the floor dying.

The neighbors haven’t come over since.

15 . My favorite teacher : One time in 6th grade we were at recess and while I was running to my friends, I just so happened to kick a HUGE rock (keep in mind, I was wearing flip-flops so it hurt like hell) and without thinking, I shouted at the top of my lungs “MOTHERFUCKER!” And with my god-awful luck, my math teacher was sitting at the bench right BESIDE ME. He then took me inside to what I thought was yell at me but he just couldn’t stop laughing and sent me back outside with a literal candy bar. He is still my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.

16 . Lotion boy : One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

17 . I never got to eat my Pringles : Okay, so this was in fourth grade, and I was in this class with all these dumbass kids.

Here’s the back story: My parents usually pack me fruit for a snack, but on this day they packed me like half of the leftover Pringles from the day before, you know, in that cylinder container. I was really excited since I LOVE PRINGLES. But when recess came around so I could take MY Pringles and go eat it outside, they weren’t in my bag. I started scoping the area, trying to find my Pringles. I call the teacher, she tries to find them but she can’t either. Than this thought comes to my mind—What if MOIRA STOLE IT?

Moira was this chubby girl in my class that literally ALWAYS wore this purple princess dress that should be classified as a bad Halloween costume (seriously) and was known for being a bitch.

Being the judgmental 9-10 year old I was, I straight out concluded that she must’ve stolen my damn Pringles. I just tell my teacher, “Well too bad, I’ll just go out for recess now. It was just PRINGLES.” Being a little angel. So I stomp out of the class and start searching for Moira. I’m talking checking areas, finding witnesses, wasting my time. So after a solid 10 minutes, I find a group of these kids crowded at the side of one of the portable classrooms. I rush over to see what it is. The kids were eating Pringles. Barbecue flavored Pringles. MY PRINGLES. I start raging as I smack the Pringles out of the kids’ hands and start ripping people away from the main source. And in the middle of all the kids, sat a smug looking MOIRA with my PRINGLES. I look all mad and rip the BLOODY EMPTY CONTAINER OF PRINGLES OUT OF THE DAMN BITCH’S FILTHY HANDS. By now even dumbass Moira knows what’s up, she’s a goner. I would’ve murdered her at the very least, but a supervisor saw us and ran over.

Moira was forced to apologize and I was forced to accept her damn apology.

I never got to eat my Pringles.

To this day I’m sure she fears my cold dead hands, ready to rip her lying face off.

18 . Why my parents can’t take me seriously : So one time I was home alone and it was around dinnertime when I decided to make myself something to eat. I opened the freezer and dug around until I found what appeared to be chicken nuggets in an unopened plastic bag that for some reason, didn’t have any cooking instructions. Thinking that my parents must have thrown away the box for box tops, I called my mom to ask how long and at what temperature to cook chicken nuggets. She told me both of them, I laid out about 20 on a tray and stuck it in the oven, setting the timer before I walked out of the kitchen. When it was almost time to get my chicken nuggets, I walked into a cinnamon scented kitchen. I searched all over that kitchen, trying to find the cinnamon scent, leading me to the oven. I decide to turn on the oven light to see if maybe my mom had stuck some cookies in the oven and forgot to bake them, but instead, I find that the tray my chicken nuggets were on has cookies on it instead! As I’m trying to process what just happened, I hear the front door open and my mom shout delightedly, “Ooooo what’s that smell?” She walks into the kitchen and catches my confused expression. That’s when the spark ignited and she realized exactly what had happened. Somehow in some form, I had accidentally baked snickerdoodles. And that is why my parents can never take my cooking seriously.

19 . Painting a roller coaster : So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door. Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.

20 . Jellyfish fiasco : So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”

The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”

and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said

“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.

So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.

21 . Eighth grade games : So when I was in the eighth grade, science class was the most boring hours of my life. Everyone would play games on their computers (we used computers to take notes) but would play them in a super sneaky manner (volume down, looking at the board so it looks like you’re taking notes, etc.). I wasn’t one for playing games during class but I was soooo bored…so I searched up Pac-Man on Google and started playing (I didn’t know what else to play).

So I started playing and just my luck I didn’t check how high my volume was….IT WAS ALL THE WAY UP. I started panicking because the game noises were excruciatingly loud. I kept playing and got eaten by a ghost almost after I pressed the start button (my hands were shaking like crazy)….my strict science teacher looked me straight in the eye..

22 . I literally “fell” for him : Since my crush sits behind me in class, when we stood up to do the pledge I stood up too fast and I stumbled over to him so to not fall on the ground I reached to grab his desk but I accidentally GRABBED HIM and I ended up falling on top of him and we both screamed. Luckily I didn’t hurt or crush him. My teacher and everyone else started laughing and I got so red afterwards. Now when we stand up for the pledge, he moves all the way to the back of the room away from me…

23 . 5th grade teacher : In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office. The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.

24 . In the closet : OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.

25 . Cringey! : My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?

Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.

So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?

THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?

I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.

26 . Sporting goods : So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise. This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at 5:00am.

Yeah she’s crazy.

Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month. Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with.

She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books. In the middle of this she suddenly goes, “I really like Dick’s” Realizing what she just said, she turned red and in a more quiet voice goes, “please don’t tell your parents.”

27 . How bugs feel : When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis

28 . In dreams : I’ve always had super vivid dreams and it takes me a while after waking up to realize that they’re not real. Sometimes, it’s a disappointment but generally I just forget about it and move on. Now, in 6th grade I had one really close friend who I never actually got into a fight with. One night, I had a really vivid dream where my friend and I had this huge falling out over something that I can’t even remember now.

I was really good at holding grudges because I was not a forgiving child, so for three weeks I completely ignored my best friend in anger to the point where she started crying in front of the teacher and he asked what was going on. Of course, as I’m telling the story I realize the events were super weird and that it was all a dream. I fall silent and just look at my friend who’s still extremely upset and don’t know what to say because I had fucked up so badly.

29 . Sniffing candles with my best friend : So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles. They all smelled strange so we started to think about names we could give them ‘grandma’s toilet cleaning agent’ or sth like this. Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us. Suddenly my brother’s best friend stood behind us and from this day he’s thinking that I’m taking drugs.

I just sniff candles with my best friend to burst out in laughter.

30 . Skull lover : So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.

31 . All glowed up : After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school. My friend mentioned this guy named Keenan and I said “Yeah, he is pretty hot now,” and my friend practically screamed “DUDE HE GLOWED UP SO HARD!” (“Glowed up” means I guess like someone became attractive). Anyway, right as she said that she turned her head and he was RIGHT BEHIND US (this is so so very cliché but I swear to god there he was). Anyway, right as she saw him she screamed “OH! HE’S RIGHT THERE!”. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.

32 . Chinese class : I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.

33 . Coca-Cola disaster : A couple years ago my friends and I were going to see a movie in the theatre at the mall. Instead of paying the ridiculous movie theatre prices for pop and candy, we decided to go to target to buy some stuff. This was when Coca Cola started to put people’s names on their bottles. My friend told me she had seen a bottle with my name on it inside this bin of Coke. I was weirdly excited since I hadn’t gotten one with my name on it yet. After I had bought the drink, I opened inside target, and it exploded EVERYWHERE. The pop was at least five or six feet in diameter. I watched as people passed the mess and made looks of disgust. Imagine if I had opened it inside of the theatre…

34 . Panic! at the pothole : Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming “WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”

Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up. This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.

35 . The toilet phase : When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.

36 . My mom’s thong : One day when I was 3 I decided I wanted to be like my mom and wear “big girl” panties. I sneakily went through her drawer and grabbed the first thing I could find – a thong (I didn’t know what it was at the time). She didn’t know until we went to breakfast with some friends and took me to the bathroom. She still won’t let me live it down!

37 . Slappy trails : One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.

1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.

2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.

Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…

I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.

I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.

38 . The ramen incident : I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness. last night, I became hungry and decided to make some ramen. I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave.

After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen.

I opened the door to my microwave and…low and behold…I had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds. I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it.

Well….It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind. I had a change of heart.

39 . First phone accident : When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different. It was a pink little slide phone where you’d slide it sideways and have the texting keyboard and all. I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend. My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake. Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water. When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water. We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. My mom ended up giving me her first flip phone which didn’t even have a camera or the option to have music or photos transferred. Lesson learned.

40 . Little thief : When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!

41 . Driver’s license : So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.

42 . That one time I got lost : So about a year ago, I was in Phys. Ed class, and we went around the neighborhood for a jog at the beginning of each class. I hadn’t done it before because of medical reasons, but the teacher evidently forgot about it. I’m incredibly bad with directions and easily distracted, so I lost sight of the rest of the group and went completely the wrong way. I ended up being lost for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. the best part is that I single handedly changed my school’s Phys. Ed policy.

43 . Popcorn : My sister, mother, and I were waiting in a long line at the Sam’s Club food court. The entire time I was waiting, I was mentally rehearsing what my order would be “one slice of cheese pizza please”, my mind was repeatedly screaming at me. when we got up to the cashier to pay, I got distracted by his cuteness so instead of asking for the pizza, I confidently said “one popcorn please”, which SAMs Club food court has none of. Once I realized my mistake, I screamed out “noooo”, loud enough for 50 people to look at me. embarrassed, I ran away and my mom and sister had to bring me the slice of pizza from my finding place in the freezer section. To this day, I beg people to order for me when anyone remotely attractive is working the cash register.

44 . 50 shades of butt : So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.

45 . Thanks, Mrs. Miller, you the best : One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad. Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent. Big surprise it wasn’t. The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. She said she was disappointed I couldn’t hold it in and proceeded to tell a story of how she taught a famous athlete who did nearly the same thing.

46 . Weed birthday : Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…

47 . That time in freshman year : So I was always the person who’d try to leave class really fast so I wouldn’t always being paying attention to some very crucial surroundings. So I’m sitting in math class where our teacher makes us put our book bags against the wall to the side of the room. The bell rings and being that kid that wants to get out I don’t bother putting all my stuff away and I just grab my RED backpack and I’m gone. I get all the way to my science class and set the book bag at my desk when LO AND BEHOLD it’s not my backpack. It’s another ALSO RED backpack that I had mistakenly took in my rush to get to science. So I have this mini freak out at my friend Seth sitting next to me. As a freshman and quite socially inept I decide not to really do anything about it until lunch which was next block. I had some paper in my arms from last class so I decided to use those and figure out everything during lunch instead of making a scene at like literally the first week of my high school career.

So we go into science class and since it’s the first week we’re always doing the scientific method lesson before anything else. My teacher asks the class for a problem we can apply to it right? Well guess who raises his hand? SETH. Now my teacher adored Seth so he gets called on and you know what his answer was?? “what if you accidentally stole someone’s backpack? like, you thought it was yours and you didn’t mean to take it” and my teacher was like why don’t you tell me more about this so Seth goes “oh it’s not my problem it’s HERS” and POINTS TO ME. Complete mortification. and even then my teacher was confused thinking I had just come up with the problem but no. only if. I hold up the stolen backpack and my teacher had the most dumbfounded look like I have never encountered someone that failed at life more than you. so he calls my math teacher yada yada I get my backpack. the worst part? We ended up continuing with that scenario and took notes on the scientific method using the very problem that I had created. my hypothesis? If I wasn’t a complete fail then I’d be able to get my own bag properly.

48 . Virtual-reality self-prostitution : I used to play a game called Phantasy Star Universe and I would be my own pimp AND my own hoe. I had my main account (let’s call him Dudeman) and my hoe account (let’s call her Galchick). so there was like the main floor area and people would like try to sell nudes for money (in-game, not IRL) and I was like “nobody actually does that… do they?” so I made Galchick and I took off her clothes so she was in her underwear, and then I said ONE thing on the main floor and some guy took the bait right away. he invited me back to his house and I was like “omg I’m sorry, I’m new to this! how do you transfer money?” and he did it to show me how… and then he asked for my character to teabag his and moan into the mic, and I was like a 15 year old boy, so instead… I just blocked him and took the money. that’s when I realized my one, true calling. I did it for months and I’d transfer the money from Galchick to Dudeman and all my friends wondered how I had super good gear. I miss that game everyday…

49 . A full sun : After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.

I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”

I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.

50 . Socially awkward fail : So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.

So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.

Never gonna talk to them again.

51 . Don’t sit on cold ground : So a couple weeks ago, me and my friends were sitting on this cement kind of pedestal (as we called it) It’s basically the steps up to the portable. (classroom that no one uses) and this weird supply French teacher comes up to us and says: you shouldn’t be sitting on this ground, it’s too cold and it’s bad for your ovaries. I asked her how or why and she said that if children sit on cold ground their ovaries will freeze and that we won’t be able to have kids. Now it’s an inside joke between us about not sitting on cold ground.

52 . Gay teacher : So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.

Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.

My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.

53 . Foreign student trauma : When I first moved from Lithuania to America I was 5 years old and didn’t speak any English. On the first day of kindergarten I was crying so much that my teacher picked me up and let me sit on her lap, meanwhile the rest of the kids sat on the carpet in front of me and watched me cry while she explained to them what was going on (in a language I didn’t understand). Our school was 3 buildings put together, and the pick up was at the “blue” building but my classroom was at the “red” building, so they put a sign over my neck that said “I don’t speak English and I’m going to the blue building” and sent me away to follow a crowd of other kids. I’m still traumatized…

54 . His face looks like the best chair : So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.

But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.

She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.

55 . Never wear a dress in Chicago : So when I was younger, my aunt was kind enough to invite me to come along with her to Chicago for my cousin’s paintball tournament. I had never been to Chicago before, so naturally I had to go see the big city.

Just like any other girl, I wanted to get all dolled up before walking around in front of people. I wore an extremely soft red dress that I was in love with, and some wedges.

One thing that Chicago has plenty of is vents, and I ignored them because the ones in my city are never on. This was a mistake, because I just so happened to walk over one that was on. Only to be met with steam hot enough to burn leg hair off, and my dress being blown up to my neck around hundreds of other people.

56 . SonofabitchAdam : I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…

Dad finds disaster left by Adam.

Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”

One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.

His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”

57 . As it turns out, I am gay : When I was around 9 years old I was starting to get confused about my sexuality so I would always look up “Are You Gay” quizzes on our family computer because I was scared and confused, and my mom eventually saw the searches in the history and confronted me about it. I lied about it and said I had accidentally clicked an ad. As it turns out, I am gay. 

Read more Creativity .

About the author

January Nelson

January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University.

More From Thought Catalog

If You’re A Classic ENTJ, You’ll Relate To These 5 Personality Quirks

5 Unforgettable Movies Celebrating Their 25th Anniversary This July — And Where To Stream Them

10 Of The Best Movie Quotes About Heartbreak And Moving On

How ‘Spider-Man 2’ Is the Epitome of the Mid-2000s

4 Things Rom Coms and Romance Movies Got Wrong About Love (But Psychological Thrillers Got Right)

8 Psychological Thriller Movies and TV Shows With the Most Shocking Plot Twists of All Time

You are using an outdated browser. Please upgrade your browser or activate Google Chrome Frame to improve your experience.

38 Funny Stories in English

Humor is so much more than silly situations and funny words.

It is about the places we live in, the people who are with us, the events we experience and the problems we face.

In other words, humor is about the society in which it exists .

If you want to communicate really well , it is not enough to just know some English words—you need to know about the society and culture too. 

These humorous stories will make you laugh first, then think. Here are 38 funny stories in English to get you started!

• 1. “Captain Underpants” by Dave Pilkey
• 2. “XO, OX: A Love Story” by Adam Rex
• 3. “Hunting the Deceitful Turkey” by Mark Twain
• 4. “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir” by Jenny Lawson
• 5. “The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year” by Sue Townsend
• 6. “Em and the Big Hoom” by Jerry Pinto
• 7. “The Sellout: A Novel” by Paul Beatty
• 8. “How to Build a Girl” by Caitlin Moran
• 9. “Something Fresh” by P.G. Wodehouse
• 10. “The Eyre Affair” by Jasper Fforde
• 11. “The Lumber Room” by Saki
• 12. “The Crocodile” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
• 13. “The Nose” by Nicholas Gogol

14. “The Ransom of Red Chief” by O. Henry

• 15. “Three Men in a Boat” by Jerome K. Jerome
• 16. “A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Poole
• 17. “Puckoon” by Spike Milligan

18. “I Want My Hat Back” by Jon Klassen

19. “the sneetches and other stories” by dr. seuss.

• 20. “The Ushuaia Rabbit” by Fernando Sorrentino
• 21. “Death by Scrabble” by Charlie Fish

22. “Do You Speak English?” by Simon Collings

• 23. “The Great Automatic Grammatizator” by Roald Dahl
• 24. “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” by Jeff Kinney
• 25. “Calvin and Hobbes” by Bill Watterson
• 26. “The BFG” by Roald Dahl
• 27. “Pippi Longstocking” by Astrid Lindgren
• 28. “An Abundance of Katherines” by John Green
• 29. “Queen of the Road” by Doreen Orion
• 30. “Another Fine Myth” by Robert Asprin
• 31. “Me Talk Pretty One Day” by David Sedaris
• 32. “Bossypants” by Tina Fey
• 33. “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” by Douglas Adams
• 34. “The Importance of Being Earnest” by Oscar Wilde
• 35. “Good Omens” by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
• 36. “Modern Romance” by Aziz Ansari
• 37. “Choose Your Own Autobiography” by Neil Patrick Harris
• 38. “The De-Textbook” by Cracked

Why and How to Learn English from Funny Books

And one more thing....

Download: This blog post is available as a convenient and portable PDF that you can take anywhere. Click here to get a copy. (Download)

1.  “Captain Underpants” by Dave Pilkey

Good for: Young learners

This book is simple and clever. It is about two boys, George and Harold, who like to draw comics. They are famous pranksters in their school.

One day their principal catches them and makes them do his chores. The boys hypnotize their principal and make him into a superhero they drew—Captain Underpants.

• Thousands of learner friendly videos (especially beginners)
• Handpicked, organized, and annotated by FluentU's experts
• Integrated into courses for beginners

The story reveals a lot about the relationship between adults and children. The book is filled with funny cartoons and jokes that are sometimes disgusting but always entertaining.

Funny quote:

“George and Harold were usually responsible kids. Whenever anything bad happened, George and Harold were usually responsible.”

2.  “XO, OX: A Love Story” by Adam Rex

Good for: Beginner learners

Have you ever wondered about the love stories of gazelles or oxen? This book proves that if such a relationship ever became real, then it would be hilarious!

The story is told through a collection of letters where a love-struck Ox tries to impress a celebrity Gazelle. The joyful illustrations make the book truly memorable.

• Interactive subtitles: click any word to see detailed examples and explanations
• Slow down or loop the tricky parts
• Show or hide subtitles
• Review words with our powerful learning engine

This may seem like it is a book for children, but adults can understand the theme of unrequited love and appreciate the way the author plays with language.

“You are so graceful and fine. Even when you are running from tigers you are like a ballerina who is running away from tigers.”

3.  “Hunting the Deceitful Turkey” by Mark Twain

Good for: Upper-intermediate to advanced students

Considered one of the funniest turkey tales in American literature , Twain recounts a true incident where he tries to shoot a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.

The story is a humorous account of his failure. It also relates to the American holiday of Thanksgiving, where turkey is the main dish in the feast.

Since the story was written in 1906, you might read some words which are not commonly used anymore. For instance, the word “swindler” means “cheat” or “fraud.”

• Learn words in the context of sentences
• Swipe left or right to see more examples from other videos
• Go beyond just a superficial understanding

It might be helpful to have access to a good English dictionary while you read this. You can also read the story online here .

“Lie low, keep still, don’t expose yourself; I shall be back soon as I have beguiled this shabby swindler out of the country.”

4.  “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir” by Jenny Lawson

Good for: Mature intermediate learners

Have you ever felt that you did not fit in, or that you were strange, weird or awkward? The author of this book felt like that throughout her life.

There are tales about her sister going to school in a bird costume, her “message-board” cat, her relationship and more. Her story is equal parts funny and enlightening (something which makes you aware).

The core message is that the moments that embarrass us are really the ones that define us. If you are still unsure about the book, you can read this article  by The Washington Post  to see if you’re interested.

• FluentU builds you up, so you can build sentences on your own
• Start with multiple-choice questions and advance through sentence building to producing your own output
• Go from understanding to speaking in a natural progression.

“Also, I stapled a picture of us from our wedding day to the cat’s left leg. Don’t we look happy? We can be that way again.”

5.  “The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year” by Sue Townsend

Good for: Intermediate learners

Eva, the main character, is frustrated with her family. When her children leave home, she climbs into bed and stays there.

She refuses to be a dutiful wife to her indifferent husband, and she stops being an ideal mother to her careless children. Soon, unexpected things start happening. The true face of every person in the household starts to come out.

The novel is comical but also seeks to question traditional family roles. For a more detailed overview, read this review  by The Guardian .

• Images, examples, video examples, and tips
• Covering all the tricky edge cases, eg.: phrases, idioms, collocations, and separable verbs
• No reliance on volunteers or open source dictionaries
• 100,000+ hours spent by FluentU's team to create and maintain

“Brian kept the photograph inside an old Bible. He knew it would be safe there. Nobody ever opened it.”

6.  “Em and the Big Hoom” by Jerry Pinto

Good for: Mature intermediate students

Madness is usually seen as a very clinical topic. Mad people are distant and mysterious. They are reduced to their disorders and their humanity is often ignored.

This novel narrates a story about a woman who lives with bipolar disorder. The narrator is her son who is trying to figure out what is happening while exploring his parents’ past.

The unique characters and interesting observations about the family and their way of coping with Em, the mother, make the book humorous while also keeping the human element of all the characters.

“Honestly, I don’t understand Zen. It seems if you don’t answer properly, or if you are rude, people get enlightened.”

7.  “The Sellout: A Novel” by Paul Beatty

This is a satire that won the prestigious Booker Prize in 2016. It is a sharp, witty story about an African American protagonist (main character) who was born in a middle-class family.

Raised by a single father, he dreams of making his life better. But when his father is killed in a police shooting, he decides he needs to take a radical step.

The novel is funny and goes deep into the heart of American society. To know why it won one of the most famous awards in the world, read this review .

“If New York is the ‘city that never sleeps,’ then Los Angeles is the ‘city that’s always passed out on the couch.'”

8.  “How to Build a Girl” by Caitlin Moran

This story is about killing a 14-year-old girl to build a new one. It is not literally about murder, but rather, it is a story about growing up as a girl.

The protagonist is named Johanna. She renames herself Dolly Wilde when she decides to change her life. She goes through a very intimate journey to become the woman she wants to be.

This is a witty story about being free and what it means to be free. You can read a fantastic review of this book here.

“There’s no point in drinking if no one’s watching.”

9.  “Something Fresh” by P.G. Wodehouse

Good for: Intermediate to advanced students

P.G. Wodehouse’s novels are always filled with humorous characters, and plots with as many twists as the number of holes in Swiss cheese.

In this tale, a series of events are set into motion when a precious art piece is stolen from the castle of Mr. J. Preston Peters. There are detectives, imposters and marriages that go wrong.

This is a classic story that never fails to be funny and interesting. Here is a short review of the novel.

“It’s very kind of you to keep offering me your dead mouse; but honestly I have no use for it.”

10.  “The Eyre Affair” by Jasper Fforde

Good for: Upper-beginner learners

This is a fantasy book that takes place in Britain. Jane Eyre, one of the most famous literary heroines in history, has been kidnapped. A detective is asked to save her before it is too late.

The story is set in a world where people can literally enter novels, time travel is real and cloning is commonplace.

The novel manages to be funny while talking about a society under the rule of a dictator. Here is a brief review of the book.

“I shouldn’t believe anything I say if I were you. And that includes what I just told you.”

11.  “The Lumber Room” by Saki

Adults often treat children as people who are less intelligent. In this story, Nicholas easily tricks his strict aunt and outsmarts her throughout the story.

Saki is famous for writing about characters who are not only funny but also use their minds to change the situation they are stuck in.

There are some advanced words in the story. “Obstinacy” means “stubbornness,” or the quality of being stubborn. “Debarred” means to exclude or ban someone from doing something.

“The dramatic part of the incident was that there really was a frog in Nicholas’s basin of bread-and-milk; he had put it there himself, so he felt entitled to know something about it.”

12.  “The Crocodile”  by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Good for: Upper-beginner students

Ivan Matveich is swallowed alive when he goes to see a crocodile with his wife and a friend.

He finds himself quite comfortable inside the animal and refuses to come out. What follows is a hilarious story which has become a classic.

Originally published in 1865 in Russian, the story might contain some confusing words. For instance, “arcade” is an old word used for a covered passage where people used to go for entertainment.

This tale can be read online as well.

“‘Alive and well,’ answered Ivan Matveitch, ‘and, thanks to the Almighty, swallowed without any damage whatever.'”

13.  “The Nose” by Nicholas Gogol

“The Nose” is a satirical story about a person named Kovalyov whose nose leaves his face and decides to have a life of its own.

In a hilarious series of events, the nose actually moves above Kovalyov in official ranks to become his senior in the government.

This was written in 1836 to comment on how Russian society was obsessed with social status. You might notice uncommon words like “propriety,” which means to have good manners and act according to social rules.

This story can also be found online here .

“The nose looked at the Major and frowned a little.”

Two men kidnap a boy who turns out to be so mischievous that they ultimately return him to his father and give their own money to his family instead.

Originally published in 1907, this story still makes readers laugh out loud. O. Henry managed to create a story that is remembered throughout generations.

“‘If you don’t behave,’ says I, ‘I’ll take you straight home. Now, are you going to be good, or not?’ (This was said by the kidnapper.)”

15.  “Three Men in a Boat” by Jerome K. Jerome

This book was originally intended to be a serious memoir, but the funny elements soon took over and the writer decided to publish it as a humorous tale.

The story is about three men who take a boat ride on the river Thames in England and describe funny things they encounter throughout the journey.

Here is a full review of the book.

“George goes to sleep at a bank from ten to four each day, except Saturdays, when they wake him up and put him outside at two.”

16.  “A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Poole

This book was published after the author died and won the prestigious Pulitzer Prize .

This novel is about Ignatius Reilly, a fat man with a funny hat. The story includes a parrot attack, a revolt to impress a girlfriend and many accidents.

It is best for advanced English learners. The word “dunce” refers to a stupid person and the word “confederacy” means a union or group of people who agree to work together.

“I mingle with my peers or no one. And since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.”

17.  “Puckoon” by Spike Milligan

Puckoon is a novel set in 1924. That year, Ireland was divided into Northern Ireland and the Irish Republic. You can read the historical background here .

In the novel, the border cuts through the middle of a village named Puckoon and divides a house into two.

What follows is a comical journey. In fact, the protagonist is so lazy that the narrator has to intervene to make sure he does something in the story!

“Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.”

This charming and darkly amusing book is for beginners, and specifically younger learners.

The story is simple, engaging and very funny. There are several animals, personalities and settings you can experience in this short story.

There are also some live readings  and  animations available online as well.

“‘Have you seen my hat?’ asks the bear. ‘What is a hat?’ the animal replies.”

This collection contains four Dr. Seuss short stories. It include the hilarious poem “Too Many Daves,” which is a silly tale about a mother who names all of her 23 sons Dave.

This story is great for phonetic practice, as some of the names contain unfamiliar words and sounds, which can be challenging but still fun to read.

Many native English speakers grow up reading Dr. Seuss books, so this is a great way to experience a style of writing that many people are familiar with.

“She often wishes that, when they were born, she had named one of them Bodkin Van Horn.”

20. “The Ushuaia Rabbit”  by Fernando Sorrentino

Good for: Intermediate students

This surreal yet engaging short story is great for intermediate learners who want a vocabulary challenge.

It is about a strange and unbelievable creature. There are some excellent words and descriptions in this entertaining tale.

Note that this story does require a little extra patience, because it is a fiction (not true) story.

“But we can’t expect blood from a turnip or any intelligence whatsoever from journalists.”

21. “Death by Scrabble”  by Charlie Fish

Here is another great short story for intermediate learners. This tale is amusing from the opening line (see the quote below) right until the end.

The story focuses on a game of Scrabble between a man and his wife. The tense feeling builds up to an unexpected ending.

The game Scrabble involves building words out of letter tiles to earn points. Both the game and the story are great ways to practice and learn vocabulary.

“It’s a hot day and I hate my wife.”

This story may be too difficult for absolute beginners, but the subject matter is engaging for language students.

It touches on the difficulties of traveling without knowing a language—a topic many language learners can relate to!

While it is not the funniest story on the list, you may understand the feelings of the characters who cannot speak directly to each other.

“The boy named a price which was five times what he would have got for it locally.”

23. “The Great Automatic Grammatizator”  by Roald Dahl

Good for: Upper-beginner business students

This is an interesting and thought-provoking tale about the English language. The points about grammar and creativity are things that all English students can relate to.

It is a particularly good story for business English students because the setting is a corporate business. The main character wants to invent a machine to do the job of a writer.

The story is especially relevant today with the rise of AI technology. There is some technical vocabulary, but don’t worry—it’s still an entertaining tale.

You can also read it online here .

“Why doesn’t he stand up straight? He looks like a bent stick.”

24. “Diary of a Wimpy Kid”  by Jeff Kinney

This book might be about a school boy, but you can enjoy it even if you haven’t been in school for years.

“Diary of a Wimpy Kid” is about a middle school boy who deals with school and family issues.

The easy writing and cute illustrations (drawings) make this a great book for easy English language reading.

“First of all, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary.”

25. “Calvin and Hobbes”  by Bill Watterson

“Calvin and Hobbes” is not a regular book: It’s a comic book!

The adventures of little boy Calvin and his imaginary tiger friend Hobbes are classics, loved by many over the years.

Even if you don’t like comic books, give this one a try—you might be surprised at how clever and thoughtful the humor is.

“So long, pop! I’m off to check my tiger trap!”

26. “The BFG”  by Roald Dahl

Roald Dahl (already mentioned above) is known for his many children’s stories. You might have heard of “James and the Giant Peach” and “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” in fact.

In “The BFG,” Dahl creates another charming and slightly scary world in which a girl and a giant team up to protect children from becoming dinner.

As a children’s book, it’s simple enough for beginning English speakers, but as an older children’s book, it can also be a little challenging in parts.

“Don’t gobblefunk around with words.”

27. “Pippi Longstocking”  by Astrid Lindgren

Pippi’s full name is Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Efraim’s Daughter Longstocking.

She lives in a huge mansion with her pet horse and friend monkey, and dreams of the day her father will return from the ocean.

Pippi’s many adventures and stories are as crazy as they are funny. She’s a lovable child who will remind you how to be a child yourself!

“I have never tried that before, so I think I should definitely be able to do that.”

28. “An Abundance of Katherines”  by John Green

Good for:  Intermediate students

Colin had a girlfriend named Katherine. Actually, he had 19 of them—and they all dumped him (broke up with him).

He sets out in a car with a friend to travel across the country, where he has many laughs and life lessons…and no Katherines.

“An Abundance of Katherines” is a funny, heartwarming book about finding out who you really are.

“The morning after noted child prodigy Colin Singleton graduated from high school and got dumped for the nineteenth time by a girl named Katherine, he took a bath.”

29. “Queen of the Road”  by Doreen Orion

If you like the idea of traveling across the country like in the previous book, but would rather do it with a shopaholic, shoe-loving, Long Island “princess,” this is the book for you.

“Queen of the Road” is Doreen’s tale of her and her husband Tim’s travels. They visit strange places in 47 U.S. states, giving you a look into life in the lesser-known parts of the country.

Even better, this is a memoir—which means it’s a true story that really happened to the author!

“When my long-dreaded thirtieth birthday arrived, I really wasn’t as upset as I imagined I’d be, for I had achieved a much more important milestone: my sartorial centennial. I owned one hundred pairs of shoes.”

30. “Another Fine Myth”  by Robert Asprin

Fantasy lovers, don’t worry—there are lots of funny fantasy and science fiction books too!

Robert Asprin’s Myth series is about a group of strange companions who go on adventures together, trying not to kill each other on the way.

The first book in the series, “Another Fine Myth” introduces the main character Skeeve, a magician’s apprentice and thief. Join the adventure and laugh at the company’s misfortune!

“One of the few redeeming facets of instructors, I thought, is that occasionally they can be fooled.”

31. “Me Talk Pretty One Day”  by David Sedaris

Good for: Upper-beginner to intermediate students

David Sedaris is a humorist who writes about life and the world, making you laugh at even the most serious moments.

“Me Talk Pretty One Day”   is a collection of short stories from his life, from trying to learn French to dealing with his lisp (inability to pronounce the letter “s”).

Sedaris has a very friendly way of writing, as if he is telling you his story in person, which makes it fun and fairly easy to read at any level.

“Like all of my friends, she’s a lousy judge of character.”

32. “Bossypants”  by Tina Fey

Tina Fey is well known as a comedian on “Saturday Night Live” and a few other TV shows, including the popular “30 Rock.”

In this book, she talks about what it was like to grow up from a strange little girl to a strange little girl on TV.

Tina Fey has a very unique sense of humor, so if you liked any of her shows or her “Saturday Night Live” acting, then you’ll enjoy this book.

“In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.”

33. “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”  by Douglas Adams

Imagine you wake up one day to find that your home is about to be destroyed to make room for a road.

Now imagine this is happening to the entire Earth, to make room for a space road for aliens. You would probably do the only thing you can: Get a ride from some passing aliens and hope for the best.

Some of the language in this classic book can be tough, but the amount of laughs you will get will make it worth it!

“He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.”

34. “The Importance of Being Earnest”  by Oscar Wilde

Being earnest means being truthful. But Ernest is also a name. “The Importance of Being Earnest” takes these two ideas and plays with them for the entire story.

This book is actually a play. It is old but still easy to understand, as it deals with how funny rich people and the upper class can be.

There is a lot of lying and silly mishaps (unlucky accidents) that can make this play difficult to follow for an English learner, but it’s fun and highly recommended if you’re a bit more advanced.

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train.”

35. “Good Omens”  by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

Good for: Advanced students

The apocalypse is coming and the world is about to end, and all it needs is one very important boy. Unfortunately, no one seems to be able to find him.

In this hilarious story, an angel and a demon have to forget about their differences and work together to stop the world from ending.

Written by two expert storytellers, “Good Omens” is a fun ride through their version of what really happens in the Bible’s Book of Revelations.

“It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn’t been invented yet.”

36. “Modern Romance”  by Aziz Ansari

What’s it like to have a relationship today? Comedian Aziz Ansari (known for his role in the TV show “Parks and Recreation”) tries to understand what it’s like to find love in the modern age.

“Modern Romance” mixes science with humor for a book that will make you laugh as much as it will teach you about love in the 21st century.

“While we may think we know what we want, we’re often wrong.”

37. “Choose Your Own Autobiography”  by Neil Patrick Harris

Autobiographies tell the story of the author’s life. Choose Your Own Adventure stories are adventures in which you are the hero, and you choose where the story goes next.

So, how did actor Neil Patrick Harris manage to put the two together? “Choose Your Own Autobiography” is the story of Harris’s life… as if you are him.

Go through his life and make his decisions for him with this creative book. It’s funny and interesting, and perfect if you’re looking for a more unique kind of humor.

“You, Neil Patrick Harris, are born in Albuquerque, New Mexico, on June 15, 1973, at what you’re pretty sure is St. Joseph’s Hospital, although it’s hard to be certain as the whole experience leaves you a little blurry.”

38. “The De-Textbook”  by Cracked

You might be surprised at how much of what you learned in school is wrong. For example: Dinosaurs don’t look like lizards—they have feathers!

In this book, you will learn that we don’t have only five senses, chameleons don’t change color to blend in with their surroundings, and other interesting facts about the world, history and yourself.

“The De-Textbook” has some crude (rude) humor, and it also makes many references to pop culture and history. You can use this book to learn new facts and learn about culture, internet humor and more.

“Remember: Nature hates you so much that pretty much everything around you right now is actively trying to kill you.”

You probably already know why you should read funny books to learn English… It’s fun!

Learning English with humor gives you several other great benefits, though:

• Humor is culture specific.  This means if you understand the humor, you understand the culture.
• Humor often uses puns (word play).  Many jokes in English play with words and their meanings, so if you understand a pun, you understand the different meanings (and  possible mistakes !) that an English word can have.
• Humor makes things easier to remember.  You can try memorizing  a word and its definition , or you can tell a funny story with it. Which do you think you’ll remember better?

Now, to really get the most from reading these funny books, try using these tips:

• Read with a pen and paper nearby.  This way you can easily write notes, unfamiliar words or questions that you have as you read.
• Focus on phrases, not just words. Knowing word definitions is important, but knowing how to use the words is even more important. Be sure to pay attention to phrases so you can really understand how the words work.
• Discuss the books with others. One great way to enjoy a book is to share it with other people. Read the same book as your friend(s), then talk about it. You can even join a local book club and go to their meetings.
• If you can’t meet in person, use the internet. It’s even easier to find someone reading the same book as you thanks to the internet. Join a book website like Goodreads  and you can find other people discussing the funny books that interest you.

You also don’t have to stop at these books—if you love to learn and laugh, there are many other resources out there for you to use. Humor is everywhere!

FluentU takes authentic videos—like music videos, movie trailers, news and inspiring talks—and turns them into personalized language learning lessons.

You can try FluentU for free for 2 weeks. Check out the website or download the iOS app or Android app.

P.S. Click here to take advantage of our current sale! (Expires at the end of this month.)

Try FluentU for FREE!

After reading these funny stories in English, hopefully you will have a good laugh and also be able to add a touch of humor to your own English conversations.

Happy reading!

If you like learning English through movies and online media, you should also check out FluentU. FluentU lets you learn English from popular talk shows, catchy music videos and funny commercials , as you can see here:

If you want to watch it, the FluentU app has probably got it.

The FluentU app and website makes it really easy to watch English videos. There are captions that are interactive. That means you can tap on any word to see an image, definition, and useful examples.

FluentU lets you learn engaging content with world famous celebrities.

For example, when you tap on the word "searching," you see this:

FluentU lets you tap to look up any word.

Learn all the vocabulary in any video with quizzes. Swipe left or right to see more examples for the word you’re learning.

FluentU helps you learn fast with useful questions and multiple examples. Learn more.

The best part? FluentU remembers the vocabulary that you’re learning. It gives you extra practice with difficult words—and reminds you when it’s time to review what you’ve learned. You have a truly personalized experience.

Start using the FluentU website on your computer or tablet or, better yet, download the FluentU app from the iTunes or Google Play store. Click here to take advantage of our current sale! (Expires at the end of this month.)

Enter your e-mail address to get your free PDF!

We hate SPAM and promise to keep your email address safe

• Grades 6-12
• School Leaders

Creative Ways to Use Graphic Novels in the Classroom! 🎥

18+ Best Funny Short Stories To Teach in Middle and High School

These stories will get them giggling … and learning too!

At least once a year, one of my freshmen would ask me why everything we read in ninth grade English was so depressing. A quick look at our curriculum revealed they did have a point. Romeo and Juliet , Of Mice and Men , and short stories like “Lamb to the Slaughter” and “The Most Dangerous Game” all told tales of death and despair. While all are excellent, I began to wonder if I could find some different texts to add to the mix. It turns out, while scary short stories and dramatic short stories are easy to find, good funny short stories for middle and high school students are a bit trickier to track down.

With that in mind, here’s a list of funny short stories to use in your classroom when you want to bring a bit of humor to your lesson.

1. Ruthless by William DeMille

OK, this one might be a bit of a controversial addition to a list of funny short stories, but I’m including it anyway. There’s something darkly humorous in this little tale about a man who goes too far in a plot for revenge only to have it backfire on him in the worst possible way. Some of your students will feel bad for the protagonist while others will feel he deserves his fate. Regardless, your class will have a great discussion about it at the end.

In class: There are so many writing prompts you could use from this story I don’t know where to begin. It could be used as the springboard for an argumentative writing unit, with students arguing whether the main character was justified in his actions or not. It could also be perfect for a discussion on characterization by asking students what can we learn about the main character and his wife by their actions and statements.

2.  They’re Made Out of Meat  by Terry Bisson

I love introducing students to science fiction, especially in the form of funny short stories. We really don’t use sci-fi enough in our English classes. In this story, two aliens discuss the bizarre new life form they’ve discovered and try to figure out how it thinks and lives. Your students will laugh out loud when they discover that the aliens are talking about humans and love figuring out the everyday activities and items the aliens just can’t seem to make sense of.

In class: This is perfect for introducing a new genre to students. After reading, ask students to craft their own science-fiction short story. As a class, brainstorm a list of activities and events that take place all the time that we think are totally normal. Then, ask students to write their version of an alien race trying to figure out a birthday party, after-school detention, or lunch in the school cafeteria.

3. Charles by Shirley Jackson

Written by the same woman who wrote the eerie short story “The Lottery,” this story is guaranteed to make students of all ages chuckle. The tale of the worst kindergarten student ever, as told by a classmate to his mother at the end of every school day, your students will love hearing all about Charles’ antics. The twist at the end of the tale will make students gasp and giggle.

In class: Perfect for lessons on irony , your students can debate whether Jackson’s funny short story demonstrates verbal, situational, or dramatic irony. I’ve also used this story to show students how an author can utilize dialogue as a method for developing characterization.

4. Thank You, Ma’am by Langston Hughes

Like “Charles,” this is another classic, well-known story. An older woman takes a young man under her wing after he attempts to steal her purse. As they spend time together, she teaches him a valuable lesson about life. It’s perfect for upper-elementary and middle school students.

In class: This is one of those funny short stories that lends itself to lessons about dialogue, diction, theme, and characterization. It’s also a great text to use for practice discussions or Socratic seminars. Students could easily develop questions about the actions of the characters. They could consider how they would have responded in the same situation. And they could even reimagine the story as if it were written today.

5. Lord Oakhurst’s Curse by O. Henry

While many students will have read “The Gift of the Magi,” this short story by the same author is much less well known. Lord Oakhurst is dying, his wife is grieving (or is she?), and a doctor arrives to try to help. Your students will be shocked and amused by this quick read.

In class: Indirect characterization leaps to the foreground in this funny short story as students can debate whether Lord Oakhurst’s wife is truly as sad as she says she is throughout the story. The story also makes use of flashbacks, making it great for introducing or reviewing that concept.

6. Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence by  The Onion  Staff

Satire is a tough genre for so many students. The popular satirical online news magazine The Onion comes to the rescue here with a hysterical piece that, while not a short story exactly, certainly tells a tale students will guffaw over. In the article, students learn the plight of a young man who almost received severe consequences for driving while under the influence. Some satirical pieces are almost too serious for students to see as satire, but this one does a great job of taking a serious subject and turning it on its head to make a point.

In class: This piece is perfect for students who aren’t ready to grapple with some of the more complex satirical pieces they’re often given in school. If your group isn’t quite ready for Swift’s A Modest Proposal , this is a great place to start. As an introduction to satire, pairing this piece with actual news reports of cases where privileged young people have received shockingly light sentences for serious crimes will definitely keep your students engaged (and enraged?).

7. Maddened by Mystery or The Defective Detective by Stephen Leacock

This short story caper takes on the classic detective trope and mocks it mercilessly. Over-the-top costumes, mistaken identities, and a ridiculous reveal make this a truly funny short story to share with your students.

In class: I wish I still taught the mystery unit I taught for many years so that I could add this funny short story to the mix. This is a perfect piece to introduce satire. It mocks many of the most common elements of typical detective stories in a truly hilarious fashion.

8. There Was Once  by Margaret Atwood

Given her prominence in current popular culture, Margaret Atwood is an author our students should know. This short story about a fairy-tale writer receiving some “constructive criticism” on how to make their story more inclusive is sure to inspire reactions among your middle or high schoolers.

In class: This is a great short story to use when teaching the importance of how dialogue can impact tone. Additionally, it would be a great piece to bring to any discussion of whether or not students should read “old” stories that have language or ideas that are considered problematic today.

9. A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift

Definitely one for older students, this essay is a more complex text than many on this list. That being said, it’s a classic for a reason. Swift’s shocking and controversial (and highly satirical) suggestion that the plight of poor Irish peasants could be solved by having them sell their infants to rich British people to eat continues to resonate to this day. Give this to your high school students without any warning and get ready for some interesting reactions and responses.

In class: This piece is a staple in many high school lessons about satire, but I think it could also be used brilliantly in discussions about current political discourse. We struggle with recognizing satire in media today just as much as people did in Swift’s time. Additionally, the parallels between how the wealthy and elite in society look down at the less fortunate then and now could definitely make for some heavy, yet important, classroom discussions. Finally, it’s a perfect text for a lesson on tone—ask students to consider why Swift chose to write in a logical and emotionless voice about such a horrifying idea.

10. Joy by Anton Chekhov

The main character in this funny short story becomes famous. He rushes home to tell his family. Your students will love the reactions of his stunned family. They’ll also have plenty to say about the protagonist’s glorious new stardom.

In class: Perfect for units covering tragic heroes or characters who fall from grace, Chekhov’s work is a pretty searing commentary on the ideas surrounding what it means to be famous. Your students will have a great time making comparisons between the protagonist and various YouTube or TikTok stars of today.

11. A Dish Best Served Cold by Tristan Jimerson

Time to throw a curveball into the game. Have you heard of The Moth? It’s an organization with the mission to “promote the art and craft of storytelling and to honor and celebrate the diversity and commonality of human experience.” They have open-mic storytelling nights in different cities around the country where people just stand up and tell stories based on a preset theme. You can find lots of them on The Moth’s website and on YouTube. This one is about a man who has his identity stolen by a Domino’s Pizza employee. His mission to get revenge will have you and your students laughing out loud.

In class: Many of the stories do include a swear word or deal with adult themes, so be sure to preview the story first. I love the idea of sharing verbal storytelling with students of all ages, especially in the context of a unit on funny short stories. It’s great for reluctant readers and could make an awesome alternative assessment option.

12. The Catbird Seat by James Thurber

Written by the same author who wrote “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,” this story is also about an unhappy man who dreams of improving his life. The way he accomplishes this, however, is where the humor (and some shock!) comes in.

In class: Introducing students to more challenging text can always be a bit of a tough sell, so it’s nice to have a few short stories to warm students up to the idea. Students can practice transacting with text, asking questions about sections that confuse them, and working together to build comprehension.

13. “I’m a Short Afternoon Walk and You’re Putting Way Too Much Pressure on Me” by Emily Delaney

Another curveball addition to this list of funny short stories! I love introducing my students to examples of real-life writing that is actually going on today. While many funny short stories on this list are from the early 1900s, this piece was written in 2020 and appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. The site features humorous pieces on a variety of timely topics. While many aren’t appropriate for school, others, like this one, are perfect examples of how people are still writing and creating today. In this piece, the personified “afternoon walk” explains to the person taking it that it can’t be everything the walker needs it to be.

In class: Best suited for older middle school and high school students, I would love to use this as a mentor text. Imagine the creative writing pieces students could come up with if asked to personify something in their lives.

14. My Financial Career by Stephen Leacock

Confession time—I hate ordering food by phone. It doesn’t matter if it’s healthy or not, or if I’m ordering for one person or 20. I hate it. I get flustered and almost always end up messing something up. Hence why this story, about a man who gets nervous in banks, spoke to me. Leacock’s description of the main character fumbling his way through opening a bank account had me laughing out loud.

In class: Finding characters from the past that students can relate to is tricky. I like the idea of asking students to free-write or discuss what situations make them feel anxious or uncomfortable. They could write down feelings, descriptions, and images. After reading this story, they could create their own humorous (or serious) stories about their own scenario.

15. The Great Automatic Grammatizator by Roald Dahl

I’ll admit this one blew my mind a bit, which is why I love the idea of sharing it with students. This short story, about a young man who invents a device that gathers together all the stories and novels ever written and then, using a mathematical formula, uses them to churn out new stories at lightning-fast speeds, was written in 1954. That’s right, Roald Dahl predicted ChatGPT and AI-generated stories decades ago . Watch your students’ minds be blown as they read this one.

In class: While Dahl may not have meant this short story to be considered science fiction, it certainly could fit into that genre . This piece would be perfect to pair with nonfiction articles about how AI is affecting creative fields as well as an argumentative unit in which students discuss whether or not these stories are better or worse than those written by human authors.

16.  Growing Down  by Shel Silverstein

Yes, it’s a poem. But it also tells a story, which makes it a great addition to this list of funny short stories. In this poem, we meet a grumpy old man who is always telling people to grow up. But one day, someone tells him to “grow down.” When he does, he discovers he likes it much more than growing up.

In class: This piece would be perfect for students who are struggling to grasp concepts like theme or characterization. There’s plenty of direct and indirect characterization throughout the poem, and the message is pretty obvious throughout. Additionally, Shel Silverstein’s voice is perfect for discussions about tone.

17. The Eyes Have It by Philip K. Dick

I chuckle, groan, and, yes, roll my eyes every time I reread this short story. It’s such an enjoyable little piece about a man who discovers “proof” that aliens exist and are hiding among us even though they can do shocking things with their bodies. It was always particularly well received by my students who didn’t really love figurative language and wished authors would just “say what they meant.”

In class: This story would be great as an introduction to dramatic irony. Part of what makes it so great is how we, as readers, groan each time the protagonist finds “proof” of alien life that we recognize as just an author’s use of imagery, hyperbole, and nonliteral language.

18. Television by Roald Dahl

Another poem, I know. But it’s longish, so that counts, right? Your students might pick up on the parallels in theme between this fast-paced poem and the character of Mike Teavee from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory . Dahl was definitely not a fan of young people watching television instead of playing outside or reading books. One can only imagine what he would have thought about how much time our students spend looking at their phones today!

In class: I love the idea of asking students to write a modern version of this poem, substituting cell phones or TikTok in place of Dahl’s loathed television. It’s also a great piece for discussing tone, as Dahl’s feelings are made so abundantly clear throughout the text.

19. First-Day Fly by Jason Reynolds

Jason Reynolds is a genius when it comes to creating characters who seem so real it feels like you’ve met them before. This short story about a young man getting ready for the first day of school will hit your students right in the feels. They’ll laugh, they’ll relate, and they’ll definitely identify with the struggles the protagonist experiences as he prepares to return to school.

In class: This short story would fit beautifully into any lesson about mood and point of view. The main character’s ability to express himself and his feelings is so enjoyable to read. It would also be a great study on how allusions can date a text. While our students will understand immediately why the character cares so much about his sneakers remaining perfectly white, will people in the future? It would be interesting to pair this piece with an older text and compare the allusions of each.

Looking for more short stories to share with your class? Check out  70 Great Short Stories To Teach in Middle School .

For more articles like this, be sure to subscribe to our newsletters to find out when they’re posted.

You Might Also Like

75 Best Short Stories To Teach in Middle School

When attention spans are short, these do the trick! Continue Reading

Copyright © 2024. All rights reserved. 5335 Gate Parkway, Jacksonville, FL 32256

How Improv Comedy Can Help Resolve Conflicts

I live in rural Maine where I co-founded an organization working with teachers around the globe to advance humane education, a field that prepares people to create a more just and peaceful future. Transforming schools, curricula, and strategies for positive change is no easy task these days. But I discovered a new powerful approach: improv comedy. 

I’m far from the comedy hubs of New York City, Chicago, and Los Angeles, but we have an incredibly talented Second City-trained couple who’ve brought improv to our community both as performers and teachers. I began taking classes from them years ago and came to realize the lessons I was learning could do more than make people laugh; they could help build a better world.

The more I practiced, the more I witnessed improv’s power to cultivate a solutions-focused mindset and diminish the polarization that stymies positive change. The key lay in four core rules: building relationships, embracing “yes, and”,  bringing the love, and helping others shine.

Building relationships

The reason “building relationships” is the first rule of improv comedy is because without establishing a relationship, the actors struggle to care about each other, express relatable emotions, and move the scene forward. If the actors don’t care, neither will the audience. Improvisors must establish a relationship even when they don’t naturally relate to or like what their scene partner is doing or saying. To effectively address real-life problems, we also need to build relationships with those we don’t relate to or who do and say things we don’t like.

Shortly after the 2016 presidential election, I was speaking at a conference and one of the other keynoters, a well-known Harvard professor, said he didn’t know anyone who voted for Trump. Was he subtly suggesting that Trump supporters were not worth knowing? Unlike him, I knew plenty of people who’d voted for Trump, and I welcomed the opportunity to understand their perspectives, which were different from my own. Our conversations helped us expand our perspectives, think in more nuanced ways, and identify solutions to problems we could both agree on.

It’s understandable that we often choose to avoid “them”—whoever we define “them” to be. Having dedicated my life to advancing women’s rights, animal protection, environmental sustainability, and social justice, it takes ongoing commitment to the value of building relationships across divides for me to seek out friendships with people who fight against a woman’s right to have an abortion, kill animals recreationally, oppose sensible environmental regulations, or say things I consider bigoted. But I know that unless I build such relationships, I’m more likely to stereotype and possibly even vilify others who have different beliefs, as well as miss opportunities to cooperatively develop solutions to problems. The more I build these relationships, the more successful I am at understanding divergent perspectives and even shifting others’ thinking.

Embracing “yes and”

The second improv rule is “yes, and,” which refers to the practice of embracing whatever premise a scene partner suggests (“yes”) and adding to the prompts they offer (“and”). Imagine an improv actor starting a scene with “Mom, I’ve entered us into the parent-child acrobatic competition at school,” and “Mom” responding, “Great Brian! We can wear the pink polka dot tights I got on eBay!” The scene is moving forward not only because a relationship was established but also because of “yes, and.”

In improv comedy, “yes, and” primes us to listen carefully and welcome others’ suggestions so we can collaborate on creating a great scene. Just imagine what would have happened in the scene above had the actor identified as “Mom” responded, “I’m not your mother, and I don’t do acrobatics.” The scene would have crashed, and the first actor would have had nowhere to go from there.

Read More: You Should Say ‘Yes’ to Every New Opportunity

In our everyday lives, “yes, and” is a mindset that asks us to look for points of agreement and then add our own ideas. Embracing “yes, and” can be quite challenging, especially around highly charged issues. Nonetheless, we can usually find some area of agreement. For example, both pro-choice and pro-life advocates generally want as few girls and women as possible to face an unwanted pregnancy. And no one wants mass shootings to persist. If we can begin with even a thread of agreement about a problem, that common ground opens the possibility for respectfully sharing ideas and paves the way for potential collaboration.

Bringing the love

Rule three, “bringing the love,” is foundational to improv comedy because conflicts on stage aren’t usually funny (unless you’re Larry David). In real life, bringing the love often requires significant effort. It’s often much easier to focus on negatives. Who expresses love for the people driving respectfully alongside us on the highway? As soon as we’re cut off in traffic, however, we may lay on the horn and practically lose our minds with fury. Extend this tendency toward society at large, and a cesspool of vitriol often spews from our psychic underworld through the comfort of our keyboards or the power of a mob. Meanwhile, solutions to problems become ever more elusive as we burn potential bridges and fuel our outrage.

In improv comedy, the actors have an advantage: they’re actively endeavoring to bring the love. In real life, we’re frequently faced with others doing anything but, which makes bringing the love that much harder. Yet when we successfully meet hostility with love—to the degree that this is possible and makes sense—it’s not uncommon to watch that love melt another’s anger. When this happens, even solving our most intractable problems seems possible.

Helping others shine

Finally, improvisers strive to “help others shine.” They know that as their fellow actors shine, so shines the scene. As in improv comedy, so in life. Adopting this rule offers us a way to dial down our desire for the spotlight in favor of a bigger goal. As more of us seek out, learn from, and share whatever is worthy of light—and amplify the voices of those doing good work that’s flying under the radar—building humane and sustainable societies may even become likely.

I didn’t expect that improv would be key to effectively addressing the real-world problems I cared about—or that its four core rules would guide so much of my life’s work. Just as developing good improv skills requires practice, it takes practice to apply these rules in real life.

Establishing such a practice isn’t easy. It requires a commitment to listening, staying present, and remaining open. But the more we practice, the greater the rewards: more meaningful relationships, increased curiosity and creativity, and successful collaboration to uncover and implement solutions to the thorny problems we face.

Adapted from The Solutionary Way: Transform Your Life, Your Community, and The World For the Better . by Zoe Weil, published by New Society Publishers. Copyright © 2024 by Zoe Weil. Reprinted courtesy of New Society Publishers.

More Must-Reads from TIME

• Welcome to the Noah Lyles Olympics
• Melinda French Gates Is Going It Alone
• What to Do if You Can’t Afford Your Medications
• How to Buy Groceries Without Breaking the Bank
• Sienna Miller Is the Reason to Watch  Horizon
• Why So Many Bitcoin Mining Companies Are Pivoting to AI
• The 15 Best Movies to Watch on a Plane
• Want Weekly Recs on What to Watch, Read, and More? Sign Up for Worth Your Time

Contact us at [email protected]