the devil's dictionary assignment

TheDevil s Dictionary.com

The Devil's Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was continued in a desultory way and at long intervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was published in covers with the title The Cynic's Word Book , a name which the author had not the power to reject nor the happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the present work: "This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a score of 'cynic' books— The Cynic's This, The Cynic's That and The Cynic's t'Other. Most of these books were merely stupid, though some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was discredited in advance of publication."

Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed—enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.

A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenious cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly indebted.

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The Devil’s Dictionary: Allegory Explained

“The Devil’s Dictionary” by Ambrose Bierce is a literary work that has stood the test of time. This satirical dictionary was first published in 1906, and has since been reprinted many times. “The Devil’s Dictionary” is a collection of humorous and satirical definitions of common words, and is a classic example of Bierce’s wit and humor.

Bierce’s “The Devil’s Dictionary” is an allegory that satirizes the hypocrisy of human nature and the corruption of society. The book is divided into three parts, and each part is dedicated to a different aspect of society. The first part is dedicated to the “Devil’s Dictionary,” which is a collection of words and their definitions. The second part is dedicated to the “Cynic’s Word Book,” which is a collection of words and their definitions that are more cynical and pessimistic than the “Devil’s Dictionary.” The third part is dedicated to the “Enlarged Devil’s Dictionary,” which is a collection of words and their definitions that are even more cynical and pessimistic than the first two parts.

Ambrose Bierce: Author Profile

Ambrose Bierce was an American journalist, writer, and satirist born in 1842. He is best known for his book “The Devil’s Dictionary,” which is a collection of satirical definitions of common words. Bierce started his career as a journalist and worked for several newspapers including the San Francisco News Letter and the Examiner.

Bierce was a prolific writer, and his works covered a wide range of topics including war, politics, and society. He was known for his sharp wit and his ability to use satire to expose the flaws and hypocrisy of society. In addition to “The Devil’s Dictionary,” Bierce wrote several other books, including “Tales of Soldiers and Civilians” and “Can Such Things Be?”

Bierce’s writing style was characterized by his use of irony, sarcasm, and dark humor. He was also known for his concise and precise writing, which helped to make his works accessible to a wide audience. Bierce’s influence can be seen in the works of many modern writers, including Kurt Vonnegut and Hunter S. Thompson.

Overview of ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’

“The Devil’s Dictionary” is a satirical lexicon written by American journalist Ambrose Bierce. The book consists of common words followed by humorous and often cynical definitions. Bierce wrote the lexicon over three decades as a series of installments for magazines and newspapers.

The original title of the book was “The Cynic’s Word Book,” but it was later changed to “The Devil’s Dictionary.” The book contains over 1,000 entries, each with its own unique definition.

Bierce’s witty and biting definitions often reflect his own personal views and experiences. He was known for his sarcastic and cynical writing style, and “The Devil’s Dictionary” is no exception. His definitions often challenge conventional wisdom and social norms.

Despite being written over a century ago, “The Devil’s Dictionary” remains relevant and entertaining to this day. Its unique blend of humor and satire continues to captivate readers and inspire new generations of writers.

Historical Context and Publication

“The Devil’s Dictionary” is a satirical dictionary written by American journalist Ambrose Bierce. The lexicon was written over three decades as a series of installments for magazines and newspapers. Bierce’s witty definitions were imitated and plagiarized for years before he gathered them into books, first as “The Cynic’s Word Book” in 1906, and later as “The Devil’s Dictionary” in 1911.

Bierce began writing the dictionary in 1881, and it was continued in a desultory way at long intervals until its publication. The book was published by the Neale Publishing Company, and it contained over 1,000 definitions. The book was well-received and has since become a classic of American literature.

Bierce’s dictionary was a reflection of the social and political climate of the time. It was a time of rapid industrialization and urbanization, and Bierce’s biting wit and satire were a reflection of the cynicism and skepticism of the time. The dictionary was a commentary on the corruption and hypocrisy of the political and social elite of the time.

Themes and Allegories in the Dictionary

“The Devil’s Dictionary” by Ambrose Bierce is a satirical work that uses humor to mock and criticize various aspects of society. One of the themes explored in the dictionary is the concept of truth. Bierce uses irony and sarcasm to show how truth can be manipulated and distorted to serve individual interests. He also highlights the dangers of blindly accepting conventional wisdom and the importance of critical thinking.

Another important theme in the dictionary is the corrupting influence of power. Bierce exposes the hypocrisy and greed of those in positions of authority, and shows how they use their power to oppress and exploit others. He also critiques the blind obedience and sycophancy of those who serve the powerful, and the dangers of unchecked authority.

Bierce also explores the theme of morality in the dictionary. He challenges traditional notions of morality and exposes the contradictions and inconsistencies in moral codes. He also shows how moral judgments can be used to justify oppression and discrimination.

Satire and Cultural Critique

“The Devil’s Dictionary” is an extraordinary work of scathing satire that provides new humorous definitions of the words that formed the lexicon of contemporary American life. Ambrose Bierce’s witty definitions painted a revealing portrait of late 19th-century American life, with all its excesses, hypocrisies, and absurdities.

Through his satirical dictionary, Bierce aimed to expose the flaws and vices of society, politics, and human nature. He used humor as a weapon to critique the cultural norms and values of his time, challenging the readers to question their own assumptions and beliefs.

Bierce’s satire was not limited to any particular group or institution, as he mocked everyone from politicians, lawyers, and journalists to ordinary people, religion, and morality. His biting wit spared no one and nothing, making “The Devil’s Dictionary” a timeless masterpiece of cultural critique.

Language and Literary Style

“The Devil’s Dictionary” is a satirical masterpiece that uses language and literary style to create a humorous and witty commentary on the society of the time. Ambrose Bierce’s writing style is characterized by his use of irony, sarcasm, and wit to convey his message.

Bierce’s use of language is both clever and insightful. He takes common words and phrases and twists their meanings to create a humorous effect. For example, he defines a politician as “an eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared.” This definition captures the essence of his satirical style, which is to expose the hypocrisy and corruption of those in power.

Bierce’s writing style is also characterized by his use of literary devices such as alliteration, metaphor, and hyperbole. He uses these devices to create a rhythm and flow to his writing that draws the reader in and keeps them engaged. His use of repetition, for example, creates a sense of humor and irony that is both entertaining and thought-provoking.

Notable Entries and Their Significance

“The Devil’s Dictionary” by Ambrose Bierce is a satirical dictionary that redefines common words and phrases with humorous and satirical definitions. Here are some of the most notable entries and their significance:

Politics: “A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.” This definition perfectly captures the essence of politics, which is often more about personal gain than serving the public good.

Love: “A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” Bierce’s definition of love is cynical but also humorous. It highlights the idea that love is often fleeting and that marriage is a way to cure it.

Marriage: “The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.” This definition of marriage is a commentary on the traditional gender roles in marriage, where the man is the master, the woman is the mistress, and the children are the slaves.

Lawyer: “One skilled in circumvention of the law.” Bierce’s definition of a lawyer is a play on the idea that lawyers are experts at finding loopholes in the law and using them to their advantage.

Cynic: “A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.” Bierce’s definition of a cynic is a commentary on the idea that cynics are often seen as negative or pessimistic, but in reality, they are simply realistic.

Influence on Modern Satire and Lexicography

Ambrose Bierce’s “The Devil’s Dictionary” has had a significant influence on modern satire and lexicography. Many modern writers have been inspired by Bierce’s witty and cynical definitions. The book has become a classic work of satire, and its influence can be seen in many modern works of humor.

The book has also had an impact on lexicography. Bierce’s definitions often play with the multiple meanings of words, and this approach has been adopted by many modern lexicographers. The book has become a model for those who seek to create dictionaries that are both informative and entertaining.

In addition, Bierce’s book has had an impact on the English language itself. Many of the words and phrases that Bierce coined or popularized, such as “bromide” and “smash-up,” are still in use today. The book has become a part of the English language, and its influence can be seen in the way that we use words and language today.

Criticism and Reception

The Devil’s Dictionary has received mixed reviews since its publication. Some critics have praised Bierce’s wit and satire, while others have criticized the book’s pessimistic and cynical tone.

One of the criticisms of The Devil’s Dictionary is that it is too negative and cynical. Some critics have argued that Bierce’s satire is too harsh and that he is too quick to criticize without offering any constructive solutions. However, others have praised Bierce’s ability to expose the hypocrisy and absurdity of society.

Another criticism of The Devil’s Dictionary is that it is outdated and no longer relevant. Some critics have argued that Bierce’s satire is too specific to his time and place and that it does not resonate with modern readers. However, others have argued that Bierce’s satire is timeless and that it still speaks to the human condition.

Despite the criticisms, The Devil’s Dictionary has remained popular and has been widely read and studied. Its influence can be seen in the work of later satirists, such as H.L. Mencken and Mark Twain. The book’s enduring popularity is a testament to Bierce’s skill as a writer and his ability to capture the essence of human nature in all its absurdity.

Legacy of ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’

Ambrose Bierce’s “The Devil’s Dictionary” is a classic work of satire that has left a lasting impact on American literature. The book’s legacy can be seen in its influence on subsequent works of satire and comedy.

One of the most significant ways in which “The Devil’s Dictionary” has influenced literature is through its use of irony and sarcasm. Bierce’s biting wit and clever wordplay have inspired many writers to use humor as a means of social commentary and critique.

In addition to its impact on literature, “The Devil’s Dictionary” has also had a lasting influence on the English language itself. Many of the book’s definitions have become part of the lexicon, and are still used today. For example, Bierce’s definition of a “cynic” as “a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be” is still widely quoted and referenced.

The Best Definitions from Ambrose Bierce’s ‘Devil’s Dictionary’

The funniest and wittiest quotes from Ambrose Bierce’s comic masterpiece,  The Devil’s Dictionary

We’ve read the whole of Ambrose Bierce’s wonderful  The Devil’s Dictionary and, below, have distilled the book into 25 of the very best entries in this classic lexicon. The only stipulation we set ourselves was that the quotes we selected had to be short and pithy – preferably no longer than one sentence – to ensure maximum quotability. We hope you enjoy our selection.

Admiration, n.  Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Barometer, n.  An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron – namely, that he is a blockhead.

Comfort, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor’s uneasiness.

Consult,   v. To seek another’s approval of a course already decided on.

Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

Education, n.  That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Egotist, n.  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.

Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

History, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

Lecturer,   n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.

Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

November,   n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.

Ocean, n.  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

Once, adj. Enough.

Pray, v.  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Quotation, n.  The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.

Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

Self-evident, adj. Evident to one’s self and to nobody else.

Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

If you enjoyed the best entries from Ambrose Bierce’s  Devil’s Dictionary  collected here, check out these 10 great quotes from Oscar Wilde  and our selection of 10 great quotes from John Steinbeck .

Image: Ambrose Bierce, 1892 (unknown author), Wikimedia Commons.

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25 thoughts on “The Best Definitions from Ambrose Bierce’s ‘Devil’s Dictionary’”

Reblogged this on Martha Keim-St. Louis' blog and commented: Very funny adaptation, not mine

these are the best haha

Reblogged this on newauthoronline and commented: Some wonderful quotes here. Among my favourites are, “Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me”. and, “Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law”.

Bravo! Yep, the egotistical one is brilliant. Kris http://www.awritersden.wordpress.com

Reblogged this on Ecofeminist .

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So cool! I enjoyed reading them. :)

Love this so much! Thanks for sharing!

Reblogged this on Willow's Corner and commented: Now I must go and read my copy (digital) of this book. It looks to be amusing.

Reblogged this on Kanti Burns, Book Reviews and more … .

I like the one for Saint.

ha ha ha, still smiling at these definitions! Thanks for sharing.

Loved it! Thanks for sharing.

Reblogged this on cavalierzee .

Brilliant! Love it.

monkey 100 % enjoy 25 selection up there & give thanks to blogger for make presentment. simple brain of monkey also like how mr ambrose bierce define word politics: “A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”

Reblogged this on Silver Tongued Witch and commented: Clever and accurate.

Love: The folly of thinking much of another before one knows anything of oneself.

Reblogged this on Jyoti Arora and commented: This is simple brilliant and super funny :) Do read all the definitions!

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The seventy-four best entries in the devil’s dictionary, our correspondents.

The art and life of Mark di Suvero

From the cover of the University of Georgia Press edition of The Devil’s Dictionary .

In my village, we have an idiom. “When’s last time you looked in on [X]—?”

“X” is always some acknowledged literary classic everybody reads early in life and then forgets. For example, More’s Utopia . I did read it, but I might as well not have. I was nineteen. Anyone today who had just read the back cover of a copy of Utopia would, in a knowledge contest, smoke me like a cheap cigar. About the book’s narrative I remember … well, nothing.

Wait. They didn’t think gold was valuable. I forget why. Their toilets were gold. Or the chains that they loaded prisoners with. Or something. Not toilets; chamberpots. And the narrator had some cross-eyed name like Holofernes Hwum-buppa-zipplebibble or something.

However! Suppose that I (prompted by shame) decided to engineer a little ol’  Utopia project. I pore over the book for a week and think, Huh—this is full of good stuff! At that point I would say to my neighbors, Hey, when’s last time you looked in on More’s Utopia —?

We’re like this in my village. Humane. We know very well that to read a book is not to have read it. Forgetting and noncomprehension must be given their due. And more than their due.

You’re about to reread The Mayor of Casterbridge . That’s excellent. Then you can remind me what happens in it. You just opened Paradise Lost to a random page and found something surprising? Do tell. I promise to be equally surprised. It’s been quite a while since I looked in on it.

All of which is to say it is especially frustrating to people from my village when critics or theorists write about literature with the assumption that the typical reader remembers everything. Or worse: that we not only remember everything but that we know where all the good stuff is  in it.

When’s last you looked in on W. H. Auden’s preface to Shakespeare’s sonnets? Here’s a vexing bit:

On going through the hundred and fifty-four of them, I find forty-nine which seem to me excellent throughout, a good number of the rest have one or two memorable lines, but there are also several which I can only read out of a sense of duty.

Every time I think of this passage, I GET SO ANGRY. I’m like, Why, why, and why-why-why do you mention having picked out the forty-nine best, and then not tell us which ones you mean? What, you think I’m going to go through all 154 of those jumping-jack-doing, nine-dimension hieroglyphs, on the outside chance I can spontaneously regenerate your list?

To quote Gloucester in King Lear : “Give me the letter, Sir!”

I am about to come to the point. Auden had “done the work” on the sonnets, and then withheld the results. This was evil, but … that was a different time. The point is, I’m not going to do that to you. Get ready for this. I, unlike you, have read every word of Ambrose Bierce’s The Devil’s Dictionary (1906)—and read it recently. And it gets better. I, at the cost of an ocean of labor, have cherry-picked the seventy-four best bits out of the approximately three thousand billion trillion entries, and I am going to give you those seventy-four: yours, free of charge, to judge and find wanting.

I wish to note, before the presentation, that in assembling this set I looked at no other. I would have looked, if H. L. Mencken, who was a great admirer of Bierce, had made one. But as far as I can see, he did not. Also, it bears mentioning that my original selection contained around 250 entries, was winnowed to 100, and then further winnowed to 74.

So what do you think, Subhuti? When’s last you looked in on The Devil’s Dictionary —? Here, allow me, like a good neighbor, to refresh you. Abdication , n .  An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne. Absent , adj .  Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

Acephalous , adj .  In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck.

Admiration , n .  Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Advice , n .  The smallest current coin.

Air , n .  A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

Alliance , n .  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Applause , n .  The echo of a platitude.

Archbishop , n .  An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

Armor , n .  The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Babe or Baby , n .  A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.

Back , n .  That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

Blackguard , n .  A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of berries in a market—the fine ones on top—have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.

Cabbage , n .  A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.

Cat , n .  A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

Cemetery , n .  An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target, and stone-cutters spell for a wager.

Centaur , n .  One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, “Every man his own horse.” The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleetness of man.

Cerberus , n .  The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance—against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance.

Childhood , n .  The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth—two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

Christian , n .  One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

Consul , n .  In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Conversation , n .  A fair for the display of minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of this neighbor.

Curse , v.t .  Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim.

Deputy , n .  A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor’s broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.

Die , n .  The singular of “dice.” We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, “Never say die.” At long intervals, however, some one says: “The die is cast,” which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:

A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.

Dog , n .  A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world’s worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller and silkier incarnations, takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival—an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase an idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition.

Education , n .  That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Elegy , n .  A composition in verse, in which without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader’s mind the dampest kind of dejection.

Envelope , n .  The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

Epicure , n .  An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification of the senses.

Exhort , v.t.   In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.

Exile , n .  One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read “The Exile of Erin,” replied: “No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it.” Years afterward, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship’s log that he had kept at the time of his reply: “Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War with the whole world!”

Fork , n.   An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was used for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in the charging of the knife. The immunity of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God’s mercy to those that hate Him.

Frog , n.  A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in profane literature is in Homer’s narrative of the war between them and the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer’s authorship of the work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain frogs.

Gallows , n.   A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.

Geology , n.  The science of the earth’s crust—to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones of hired mules, gas-pipes, miners’ tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.

Graces , n.pl.  Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to be blowing.

Handkerchief , n.   A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears.

Harangue , n.  A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang.

Hearse , n.  Death’s baby-carriage.

Hemp , n.  A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckware which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.

Hog , n.  A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy of its habits, the beauty of its plumage and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; a cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once.

Hostility , n.  A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth’s overpopulation.

Idleness, n.  A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.

Innate , adj.  Natural, inherent—as “innate ideas,” that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it a “black eye.” Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one’s ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one’s country, in the superiority of one’s civilization, in the importance of one’s personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one’s diseases.

Interpreter , n.  One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said.

Interregnum , n.  The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again.

Introduction , n.   A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.

Kilt , n.  A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

Lap , n.  One of the most important organs of the female system—an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal’s substantial welfare.

Litigation , n.  A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

Logomachy , n.   A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem—a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success.

Mayonnaise , n.  One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Me , pro.  The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive.

Meander , vi.  To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.

Medicine , n.  A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.

Misdemeanor , n.  An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.

Miss , n.  A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.

Mustang , n.  An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.

Nose , n.  The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed that one’s nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

Notoriety , n.  The fame of one’s competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob’s-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending.

Ostrich , n.  A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.

Piano , n.  A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

Piracy , n.  Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.

Plague , n.  In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharoah the Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is merely Nature’s fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.

Polygamy , n.  A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.

Prejudice , n.  A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

Quiver , n.  A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.

Rear , n.  In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

Recruit , n.  A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait.

Sycophant , n.  One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked.

Telephone , n.  An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Telescope , n.  A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.

Tenacity , n.  A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm.

Anthony Madrid lives in Victoria, Texas. His second book is  Try Never  (Canarium Books, 2017) . He is a correspondent for the  Daily .

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The Devil's Dictionary

Table of contents.

• Author's Preface