modern love essays nyt

The New York Times

Questions/answers | q & a: modern love, q & a: modern love.

My name is Daniel Jones; I edit the Modern Love column in Sunday Styles. Since the column launched in October 2004, we have published nearly 120 personal essays covering a wide range of relationship experience: marriage, death, divorce, parenthood, dating. From a high school student in Seattle to a grandfather in Albany, these writers explore the complexities of love in all its forms, often through a contemporary lens.

Their stories can be funny ( “Men Don’t Care About Weddings? Groomzilla is Hurt,” about the trials of a controlling but out-of-control groom-to-be), devastatingly sad ( “Now I Need a Place to Hide Away,” about a mother who loses her 5-year-old daughter), or even full of practical advice ( “What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage,” about a wife who uses exotic animal training techniques on her husband).

Essays that appear are selected from the hundreds we receive every month and subjected to a rigorous editorial process. The best essays from the column’s first 18 months are collected in the book “Modern Love: 50 True and Extraordinary Tales of Desire, Deceit and Devotion,” recently published by Three Rivers Press.

I am happy for this opportunity to listen to your views, answer your questions about the editorial workings of Modern Love, comment on trends in contemporary relationships (I’ll try), and perhaps provide an editor’s perspective on some of the more provocative or broadly resonant stories we have run. [NOTE: Questions are no longer being accepted for this Q & A.]

Comments are no longer being accepted.

I love this column – I wait for it every week. I think it is really interesting to see how we find love and how we lose it. Sometimes it takes a lot of fortitude to write these stories – and I am sure that the act of writing them helps the authors deal with the pain – which is present in a lot of them. It also helps those of us reading to know that we aren’t going through love alone – and that others share our pain and joy.

How did you find the illustrator, David Chelsea and how did you go about choosing him to do the artwork for the column? What is the editing process each week as far as the graphics are concerned, does Mr. Chelsea show you sketches or talk to you about ideas ahead of time? Were you aquainted with his ironically titled comic book, “David Chelsea in Love?” He is a fine artist and adapts quite well to each piece.

where can I find comments on previous columns?

Oops . . . I believe the Ann Hood piece is titled “Now I Need A Place To Hide Away.” The title references a Beatles song, as Ms. Hood’s daughter was a Fab Four fan. What a beautiful, heartbreaking essay. Thanks for bringing it to us.

Modern Love is the best part of the Sunday Style section, which is otherwise filled mostly with dross, in my humble opinion. My personal favorite column remains “I’m With the Band,” which described a wife’s reaction to her husband’s late-blooming avocation as a rock ‘n’ roll musician. More importantly, I think Modern Love effectively counters the religiousity prevailing in this country that suggests there is only one way to love or one way to have a family. Moderen Love effectively captures the multi-faceted, messy, painful, and honorable ways we humans interact. Keep up the good work.

John, Thank you for your question. Although I am responsible for the editing of the essays each week, the Style editor, Trip Gabriel, oversees the other elements, including the illustration, headline, copy editing, and layout. As it happens, he is also answering reader questions today – all week, in fact – just down a bit on the home page. Feel free to run this question by him. I too admire David Chelsea’s brilliant work and am thrilled that he illustrates the column. -Daniel Jones

As a twice-married twice-divorced woman, I feel emotionally well-suited to comment as a veteran on matrimony. Marriage in America is to love as laxatives are to constipation. Something that makes everyhing flow much easier. Communities do not teach classes in how to marriages successful. It is only when you’re in trouble do couples or individuals seek help. Friends are ill-disposed to offer credible advice. Theirs is often based on marriage wars often more lost than won. This counsel is loaded with past hurts and guilt. If we could only prepare prospective partners with te requisite skills for successful marriages: good listening skills, the ability to play well with others, taking turns, consideration, cooperation. Marriage is an institution, legal iniits construct. We need to make it more human and malleable than it’s now constituted. If not, we make love more difficult to enshrine.

I look forward to the column each week.

Would you be willing to share some of the most valuable lessons you have garnered from the column?

How does one go about submitting an essay for this column? Is it an open submission?

I ran across what I thought was an excellent question for the editor, from Pandagon , in which she takes issue with a recent Modern Love essay. The essay was from Ashley Cross, about falling for a guy accused of rape.

The question, posed more provocatively than I would have done, is: Why is the NY Times publishing disingenuous apologies for rape?

You are the editor. What did you have in mind?

Obviously I know that the NY Times (and particularly the Style section) has a certain readership that you must be trying to appeal to. Still, the column strikes me as incredibly white, incredibly ipper-middle-class, and as such tends to describe a fairly narrow range of subjects, issues, and emotions. I remember a column on a black woman who’s date didn’t understand her identity politics, and I applaud you for publishing it. I only wish that the modern love that’s supposed to be portrayed in this column were a little more broadly applicable. I’m sure there are a number of readers who simply don’t see themselves as having access to the type of love written about here, because they don’t seem themselves represented.

You recently published a column by Ashley Cross titled “I Fell For a Man Who Wore an Electronic Ankle Bracelet.” Although the piece focused on Cross’s own experience, it also contained her recounting, in some detail, of events surrounding the sexual assault of another woman whom Cross had never met. I’m sure this situation does not often arise in the “Modern Love” section, and that guidelines as with a News or Op-Ed piece do not apply. However, was/is there any thought given to checking the historical accuracy of the writer’s comments or editing the piece to focus less on a thirdhand account of someone else’s sexual assault? Cross’s boyfriend was prosecuted in a court case and there is therefore a public record that differs hugely from her characterization of events. The column appeared widely in blogs after publication and re-ignited what must be a painful topic for both the perpetrator and the victim of a serious crime.

Regarding “trends in contemporary relationships.”

Here’s the scene. A large, upscale hotel lobby in (very liberal) Boulder, Colorado. An attractive couple, enjoying a glass of wine while cuddling on a lobby sofa. His arm around her, her hand placed affectionately on his chest. Fifteen feet away, my boyfriend and I are also enjoying a drink. It’s a beautiful late afternoon, we can see the sun setting over the mountains.

Question – why, in today’s society and given our very liberal location, do we still consider it “pushing the envelope” for us to hold hands in this situation? We fit in this setting as easily as the straight couple, yet if we’re anyplace other than a “gay ghetto,” public displays of affection feel daring. Our straight allies (and those who would deny us rights, for that matter) should see that we’re not too much different than them. Isn’t this the way for gay Americans to gain full equality? Or, should we stay at the “back of the bus” and take what we’re given?

I love the column. Have you considered publishing a collection of the essays? I’d buy it.

You published a tell-all column by a cousin of mine that had some dubious allegations about her father, who was dead and couldn’t defend himself. It also wasn’t tell-all, since it would have never been sent to you in the first place if the whole story about her family had to be told. What safeguards are you going to put in place to prevent dissembling about family quarrels and nasty divorces in the future.

Did you have any idea the Shamu essay would be so popular?

I too, am a huge fan of Modern Love, and really enjoyed your “love overview” last Sunday. You know so much about relationships. I look forward to reading your new anthology. I am taking Sue Shapiro’s journalism class at the New School, and we talked about your column in class last night. Actually, I had written a humorous essay about the insanity of life in NYC vs life in the country- wanted to send it to you. Sue said your column isn’t the right place. She suggested Escapes or the Regional section. I live in Rockland and the country I talk about in my piece is Columbia County. Could I get your opinion on this? Would you mind telling me who you think I could contact? Thanks!

I love this column. I save the styles section for second to last in my sunday reading. The arts section retains in prominent place as last read.

How far ahed do you choose the pieces? Do you arrange the pieces in any emotional order or do you choose the selected pieces at random from the lot of available ones?

There was one story, author dated a married a man who was in priison. My utter abhorrence was more visceral than I have ever had…I researched her e-mail and sent a polite note about my searing repugnance of her choices.

Keep up the good work

Could I try to submit something to Modern Love?

I look forward each Sunday to Modern Love. I appreciate the heart-felt stories of people trying to find an answer to the question: what is love.

I would like to know if editing the column has changed any of your previous notions about love and relationships?

Love, as elusive as a snow flake from the sky, even as elusive as grasping on to God. At 50, she still plays her hide and seek with me, and I continue to passionately pursue her, only to grasp on to shrouds of words, stories, thoughts, people, and self. Does anyone really, on a fundamental basis know what love is outside their own little domain of life? I have known loss of love via parents and siblings untimely death, but loss is not love itself. Is love a feeling that runs our engines? My question is this, do you truly believe that “love” has ever changed throughout the centuries to come down to this thing called modern love? Love is like a outstanding Turner landscape “timeless” and “etheral.” It is all the wonderful deeply profound relationships which transcends all space, time and linear understanding. So what is really is the meaning of modern love??

Love at times seems like the ache of possibility, the arc life, the sorrow of loss, all inextricably woven, for each of us, into a dense fabric we call life.

What have these articles taught you about the role and perhaps necessity of love in the affairs of man and woman…

Thanks….

I love the column. How well researched or backgrounded are the authors and their stories?

I think marriage is one of those things men can do to prove that they really care about their women. But it’s really a woman thing. I think there is still love out there but one should not look on love to keep a relationship alive. Sometimes love is not enough. Too bad!

What's Next

Modern Love: True Stories of Love, Loss, and Redemption

Daniel jones  ( editor ) , andrew rannells  ( contributor ) , ayelet waldman  ( contributor ) ...more.

304 pages, Paperback

First published September 3, 2019

About the author

Daniel Jones

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Modern Love, Revised and Updated: True Stories of Love, Loss, and Redemption Paperback – September 3, 2019

• Print length 304 pages
• Language English
• Publisher Crown
• Publication date September 3, 2019
• Dimensions 5.16 x 0.63 x 8 inches
• ISBN-10 0593137043
• ISBN-13 978-0593137048
• See all details

Editorial Reviews

About the author, excerpt. © reprinted by permission. all rights reserved., product details.

• Publisher ‏ : ‎ Crown; Updated edition (September 3, 2019)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Paperback ‏ : ‎ 304 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0593137043
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0593137048
• Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
• Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.16 x 0.63 x 8 inches
• #460 in Love & Romance (Books)
• #725 in Short Stories Anthologies
• #2,141 in Memoirs (Books)

About the authors

Daniel jones.

Daniel Jones has edited the Modern Love column in The New York Times since its launch in 2004. His books include “Love Illuminated: Exploring Life's Most Mystifying Subject with the Help of 50,000 Strangers,” “The Bastard on the Couch: 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explore Their Feelings About Love, Loss, Freedom, and Fatherhood,” and a novel, “After Lucy,” which was a finalist for the Barnes & Noble Discover Award. His new book, "Modern Love," is an anthology of many of the best Modern Love columns from the past 15 years. Jones appears weekly on the Modern Love podcast and is consulting producer for Amazon Studios’ show “Modern Love.” He lives in Northampton, Massachusetts and in New York City.

Deborah Copaken

DEBORAH COPAKEN is the New York Times bestselling author of several books, including Shutterbabe, The Red Book, and Between Here and April. A contributing writer at The Atlantic, she was also a TV writer on "Emily in Paris," performer (The Moth, etc.), and a former Emmy Award-winning news producer and photojournalist. Her photographs have appeared in Time, Newsweek, and The New York Times. Her writing has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Guardian, The Financial Times, The Observer, The Wall Street Journal, The Nation, Slate, O, the Oprah Magazine, and Paris Match, among others. Her column, “When Cupid is a Prying Journalist,” was adapted for the Modern Love streaming series. She lives in Brooklyn with her family.

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Customers say

Customers find the stories great, real, and relatable. They also describe the characters as heartfelt and memorable. Readers describe the book collection as amazing and well written. Opinions are mixed on the writing style, with some finding it brutally honest with laughable moments interspersed, while others say it's uninspiring and short.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

Customers find the stories in the book great, real, and human.

" Loved the variety of stories , good night time reading before bed" Read more

"I like this book, these true stories . It is like a peek into another one’s love. It is always refreshing to see a different kind of love...." Read more

"Such a great variety of short stories displaying a multitude of types of love." Read more

"... Many of the stories were very moving ." Read more

Customers find the characters in the book relatable, inspiring, and real. They also appreciate the insights and humor in abundance.

"...All are well-written, a commitment and run the gamut from humorous to heart-wrenching . Every single one of them had something to offer...." Read more

"...A relatable journey of the heart. Many of the short stories brought me to tears , which is saying a lot, for someone who is not a cryer in general...." Read more

"...are gems about a cherished moment in time, filled with warmth, humor, insight , sadness, disappointment, and heartbreak, but most of all, honesty." Read more

"...Every one was a gem, with humor, warmth and insights in abundance . Please read this book!" Read more

Customers find the book collection amazing and fun. They also wish there was more non-online content.

"Such an amazing collection of essays that explore all the different facets of love, from my favorite New York Times Sunday column, Modern Love...." Read more

"I loved reading these essays. Every one was a gem , with humor, warmth and insights in abundance. Please read this book!" Read more

" Amazing collection . Wish there was more non-online content. Great for a coffee table & to casually read. Inspiring, heartbreaking, human, and real." Read more

"Such a fun compilation of my favorite column ." Read more

Customers find the book well written.

"... All are well-written , a commitment and run the gamut from humorous to heart-wrenching. Every single one of them had something to offer...." Read more

"...The writing is wonderful , and the vignettes are so heartfelt and relatable. Some I remembered. Some were new to me...." Read more

"Loved the show and the book. Very easy read ! I also enjoyed how they add an update about the author after each essay." Read more

"...The writing is good , as one would expect...." Read more

Customers are mixed about the writing style. Some find it brutally honest with laughable moments interspersed, while others say it's uninspiring and stunningly sad.

" Brutally honest with laughable moments interspersed . A relatable journey of the heart...." Read more

" Stunningly sad , in fact. These are not stories of love so much as stories of loss and disappointment. The writing is good, as one would expect...." Read more

"...But all are gems about a cherished moment in time, filled with warmth, humor , insight, sadness, disappointment, and heartbreak, but most of all,..." Read more

"I loved reading these essays. Every one was a gem, with humor , warmth and insights in abundance. Please read this book!" Read more

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Modern Love ✓ Claim

ABOUT THIS PODCAST 🔗

In this podcast 🔗, audience of this podcast 🔗, latest episode 🔗.

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Laufey, Gen Z’s Pop Jazz Icon, Sings for the Anxious Generation

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From ghosting to 30-year marriages.

If there’s one thing the jury’s still out on, it’s millennial relationships . After all, we’re the generation that invented terms like “ghosting” and “Facebook official.” And while there are plenty of common threads throughout all romantic relationships, across history, there is something unique about love in a generation that has no clue how to unplug (or, you know, how to communicate in complete sentences anymore. Or in person. With eye contact.). To answer these burning questions, we’ve collected the Modern Love columns every millennial needs to read.

Millennials — anyone with a birthday between 1981 and 1996 — are known for a lot of things. Stacking up in the “ things the world hates about millennials column” we have: being obsessed with self-expression and using social media to prove it; being completely attached to our phones; and being more materialistic and less community-focused than the generations that came before us. On the positive side, we’re proving to be the most diverse generation by far. Many of us are actually quite civically and politically engaged, and we’re also reported to be the most educated generation in history.

If you’re not familiar with the New York Times ’ Modern Love column — a weekly essay series exploring the endless manifestations of human love and relationships: romantic, platonic, unrequited, familial, strained, and more — then consider this your brand-new crash course in modern relationships. Here are the 16 Modern Love columns that every millennial should read:

“Am I Gay Or Straight? Maybe This Fun Quiz Will Tell Me” by Katie Heaney

In "Am I Gay Or Straight?," one woman dives headfirst into the world of online quizzes, seeking the answers to her lifelong sexual identity questions.

Read it here .

“The Entire Netflix History of Us” by Tonya Malinowski

Writer Tonya Malinowski takes readers through the Netflix history (and Netflix-inspired memories) of her recently-ended relationship, only to discover that her ex has committed the cardinal sin of still using her Netflix login.

“He Made Affection Feel Simple” by Denny Agassi

Denny Agassi explores her dating life as a trans woman on Grindr , including one-night-stands with cis men she meets on the app and how one guy stuck around long enough to build intimacy, in “He Made Affection Feel Simple.”

“His Comfort Is Not My Responsibility” by Alexandra Capellini

In “His Comfort Is Not My Responsibility,” Alexandra Capellini, a medical student whose childhood cancer treatment included the amputation of one leg, ruminates on how much information about ourselves we should freely give to one another — and how much of it shouldn’t matter.

“How 30 Blocks Became 30 Years” by Ben Mattlin

Ben Mattlin’s essay, named for the length of the author’s marriage — and the distance his wife-to-be once walked on foot to see an Elvis Costello concert with him in the days before New York City’s public transit was wheelchair-accessible — is a testament to longterm relationships, as well as a subtle call for parity.

“How Lolita Freed Me From My Own Humbert” by Bindu Bansinath

In this Modern Love essay, Bindu Bansinath shares the irony of her much-older abuser buying her a coveted copy of Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita , and how that novel became a blueprint for her escape from her own cycle of manipulation and abuse.

“How to Stop Breaking Up” by Matthew Sullivan

An on-again-off-again bohemian couple keep finding their way back to one another in Matthew Sullivan’s “How to Stop Breaking Up.”

“Is There Something Odd About Being Single?” by Helen Betya Rubinstein

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“Learning to Lean In Together” by Paula Derrow

Let’s face it: Not many millennials have the financial comforts Paula Derrow describes in this essay. But the casualness of Derrow’s romance, and the long-distance finagling they do to make things work, will be ultra-relatable to anyone who has had to move where the jobs were, even it was where their partners weren’t .

“A Millennial’s Guide to Kissing” by Emma Court

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“When Neither Male Nor Female Seems To Fit” by Claire Rudy Foster

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This article was originally published on April 17, 2018

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First Lines of Rejected “Modern Love” Essays

Modern Love is a weekly column, a book, a podcast—and now, in its 16th year, a television show—about relationships, feelings, betrayals and revelations. — The Times.

My husband and I don’t text, we don’t talk, we don’t live together, I don’t know where he lives (I have my guesses), and we’ve never been more in modern love.

The vows wrote themselves, pouring from my ballpoint pen like milk being poured from a gallon of milk.

At the top of Machu Picchu, as the woman I would one day call my wife vomited up the engagement ring I’d hidden in her Nalgene, I caught a glimpse of God’s plan.

I asked Sally to watch “When Harry Met Sally” with me on our third date. My name isn’t Harry—it’s Henry—but it would have been very cool if it were Harry.

It felt right when I swiped right, but when he left I wished that I had swiped in the other direction (left).

The charcuterie board was covered with meats, cheeses, and a dog-eared letter from my late great-grandfather.

First, he stole my identity. Then he stole my heart.

In this “Modern Love” essay, I will argue that, although my ex cheated on me with my best friend, I share blame for the demise of our relationship, insofar as I could not successfully articulate my emotional wants, needs, and feelings in a concise, productive way during the relationship.

When I met Sally, I asked if she’d seen “When Harry Met Sally.” She had. I hadn’t. My name is Brian.

“What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me,” Haddaway sang over the hospital loudspeakers as a baby named Haddaway hurt me during a scheduled C-section.

I’m Christian. My husband is Jewish. We’re getting a Buddhist divorce.

Of all the Etsy shops in all the towns in all the world, she bought used baby shoes from mine.

I called No. 54 at the D.M.V. where I work. The next day, No. 54 called my number.

Men always ask me to watch “When Harry Met Sally” because my name is Sally, but they’re never named Harry, so they’re not as clever as they think.

Everything on my wedding day was picture perfect—it’s how I knew that something was horribly wrong.

Love is like a box of chocolates, in that I like both of those things.

In rural Alabama, where coyotes holler and jug bands play, “I love you”s are rarer than routine medical care.

The dick pic looked familiar, as if I’d seen it in a dream; then it dawned on me that it was a picture of my own penis.

When you realize you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible, Sally.

I didn’t know love until I gave birth and fell in modern love with the obstetrician. ♦

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Modern Love Essay Contest Invites College Students to Submit Personal Stories on Love

Today The New York Times announced the 2015 Modern Love college essay contest . The Modern Love column invites college students to share their own personal stories that illustrate the current state of love and relationships. The winning author will receive $1,000 and his or her essay will be published in a special “Modern Love” column on May 2015, and on nytimes.com .

Modern Love has held this contest previously in 2008 and 2011. Additional details on previous winners and how to submit an essay for this year’s contest are available at: www.nytimes.com/modernlovecontest

(Media contact: Danielle Rhoades Ha, @daniellerha)

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The Morning

A romance bookstore boom.

The arrival — and success — of brick-and-mortar romance stores.

By Alexandra Alter

I cover the literary world and the publishing business.

There’s a boom in romance bookstores. More than 20 of them have sprung up around the United States in the past few years — up from just two in 2020 — and more are on the way.

They have quirky names like the Ripped Bodice, Tropes & Trifles, Love’s Sweet Arrow, and Kiss & Tale. They’re sprinkled across the country, from Alaska to Maine. They’re largely owned and operated by women, and have become vibrant community hubs for romance fans.

As a reporter who covers publishing, I’ve been following the soaring sales for romance, which is by far the top-selling fiction genre. But the arrival of brick-and-mortar romance stores struck me as something new, and surprising.

For a story in The Times, I visited romance stores in South Florida and Brooklyn, and talked to booksellers, publishers and fans of the genre, to find out why romance bookstores are suddenly thriving .

How readers fell for romance

Romance writers and their fans point out that, about a decade ago, there wasn’t much enthusiasm for the genre in independent bookstores. Even though romance has long been a major moneymaker for publishers, the literary world tended to look down on it as frothy and unserious, or worse, as smut.

Rebecca Zanetti told me that after she started publishing paranormal romance in 2011, it was hard for her to book a signing at a store, even though her novels were best sellers.

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