14 year old homework

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An Age-By-Age Guide to Helping Kids Manage Homework

Do you ever wonder whether homework is gauging the child’s ability to complete assignments or the parent’s? On one end of the spectrum, a parent might never mention homework and assume it gets done independently; on the other end are the parents who micromanage to be sure every worksheet is absolutely perfect.

Being too laissez faire about homework might deny a child the support they need to develop executive functioning skills, but being too involved could stifle their independence. So how much parent participation in homework is actually appropriate throughout a child’s education?

Basic homework tips

According to Scholastic , you should follow these rules of thumb to support your child during homework (without going overboard):

Stay nearby and available for questions without getting right in the middle of homework.

Avoid the urge to correct mistakes unless your child asks for help.

Instead of nagging, set up a homework routine with a dedicated time and place.

Teach time management for a larger project by helping them break it into chunks.

Child psychologist Dr. Emily W. King recently wrote about rethinking homework in her newsletter. King explains at what ages kids are typically able to do homework independently, but she writes that each child’s ability to concentrate at the end of the day and use executive functioning skills for completing tasks is very individual. I talked to her for more information on how much parental involvement in homework completion is needed, according to a child’s age and grade level.

Kindergarten to second grade

Whether children even need homework this early is a hot debate. Little ones are still developing fine motor skills and their ability to sit still and pay attention at this age.

“If a child is given homework before their brain and body are able to sit and focus independently, then we are relying on the parent or other caregivers to sit with the child to help them focus,” King said. “ Think about when the child is able to sit and focus on non-academic tasks like dinner, art, or music lessons. This will help you tease out executive functioning skills from academic understanding.”

Elementary-age children need time for unstructured play and structured play like music, arts, and sports. They need outside time, free time, and quiet time, King said. For children who are not ready for independent work, nightly reading with another family member is enough “homework,” she said.

Third to fifth grades

Many children will be able to do homework independently in grades 3-5. Even then, their ability to focus and follow through may vary from day to day.

“Most children are ready for practicing independent work between third and fifth grade, but maybe not yet in the after-school hours when they are tired and want to rest or play. We need to begin exposing children to organization and structure independently in late elementary school to prepare them for more independence in middle school,” King said.

Neurodivergent kids may need more parental support for several years before they work independently.

“Neurodivergent children, many of whom have executive functioning weaknesses, are not ready to work independently in elementary school. Children without executive functioning weaknesses (e.g., the ability to remain seated and attend to a task independently) are able to do this somewhere between third and fifth grade, but it’s very possible they can work independently at school but be too tired to do it later in the afternoon,” King said. “We need to follow the child’s skills and give them practice to work independently when they seem ready. Of course, if a child wants to do extra work after school due to an interest, go for it.”

For students who are not ready to work independently in middle school, it is better to reduce the amount of homework they are expected to complete so they can practice independence and feel successful.

Middle school

In sixth grade and later, kids are really developing executive functioning skills like planning, organizing, paying attention, initiating, shifting focus, and execution. They will still need your encouragement to keep track of assignments, plan their time, and stick to a homework routine.

“Middle school students need lots of organization support and putting systems in place to help them keep track of assignments, due dates, and materials,” King said.

High school

By this point, congratulations: You can probably be pretty hands-off with homework. Remain open and available if your teen needs help negotiating a problem, but executing plans should be up to them now.

“In high school, parents are working to put themselves out of a job and begin stepping back as children take the lead on homework. Parents of high schoolers are ‘homework consultants,’” King said. “We are there to help solve problems, talk through what to say in an email to a teacher, but we are not writing the emails or talking to the teachers for our kids.”

What if homework is not working for them (or you)

There are a number of reasons a child might not be managing homework at the same level as their peers, including academic anxiety and learning disabilities.

If your child is showing emotional distress at homework time, it might be a sign that they have run out of gas from the structure, socialization, and stimulation they have already been through at school that day. One way to support kids is to teach them how to have a healthy balance of work and play time.

“When we ask students to keep working after school when their tank is on empty, we likely damage their love of learning and fill them with dread for tomorrow,” King wrote in her newsletter.

King said in her experience as a child psychologist, the amount of homework support a child needs is determined by their individual abilities and skills more than their age or grade level.

“All of these steps vary for a neurodivergent child and we are not following these guidelines by age or grade but rather by their level of skills development to become more independent,” she said. “In order to independently complete homework, a child must be able to have attended to the directions in class, brought the materials home, remember to get the materials out at home, remember to begin the task, understand the task, remain seated and attention long enough to complete the task, be able to complete the task, return the work to their backpack, and return the work to the teacher. If any of these skills are weak or the child is not able to do these independently, there will be a breakdown in the system of homework. You can see why young students and neurodivergent students would struggle with this process.”

If you and your child have trouble meeting homework expectations, talk to their teacher about what could be contributing to the problem and how to modify expectations for them.

“Get curious about your child’s skill level at that time of day,” King said. “Are they able to work independently at school but not at home? Are they not able to work independently any time of day? Are they struggling with this concept at school, too? When are they successful?”

Home » Tools for Your 14-Year-Old » Homework for Your 14-Year-Old

Homework for Your 14-Year-Old

Listen to an audio file of this tool.

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your 14-year-old child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and setting up a daily homework routine provides a perfect opportunity.

Children/Teens age 14 are in the process of adapting early school age learning habits to their more demanding workload. They are establishing critical learning habits, including how they approach homework assignments, that will extend throughout their school years. For most children/teens, homework is a nightly reality. And, research shows a parent or someone in a parenting role plays a key role. Children/Teens who have a parent or someone in a parenting role involved in supporting learning at home and engaged in their school community have more consistent attendance, better social skills, and higher grade point averages and test scores than those children/teens without such involvement. 1 Indeed, the best predictor of students’ academic achievement is parental involvement.

Yet, there are challenges. You may discover outdated and uncompleted assignments crumpled in your child’s/teen’s backpack. Your child/teen may procrastinate on a long-term project until it becomes a crisis the night before it’s due. Questioning their work may result in power struggles when they have other goals in mind.

While getting a regular homework routine going might be a challenge, it can be a positive experience and promote valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters to support a homework routine in cooperative ways without a daily struggle.

Why Homework?

Children/Teens ages 11-14 will require managing a larger and more complex workload and need new study skills. This will take a whole new level of planning and organization. Their homework assignments can become your daily challenges if you don’t create regular routines with input from your children/teens in advance, clarify roles and responsibilities, and establish a plan for success.

Today, in the short term, homework routines can create

• greater cooperation and motivation;
• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles and feel set up for success;
• trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care;
• less frustration due to better organization, space, and resources; and
• opportunities to learn about your child’s/teen’s school curriculum.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

• builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal setting;
• builds skills in responsible decision making, hard work, and persistence;
• gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency; and
• develops positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success.

Five Steps for Creating a Homework Routine

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for homework. It also builds important skills in your child/teen. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well ( learn more about the process ).

These steps are done best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.

Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child/teen thinking about establishing a homework routine by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also begin to better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to homework so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

• has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time;
• has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership, comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine);
• will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership; and
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning — their homework.
• “When is the best time for you to do homework?”
• “What are things (like having a snack, taking breaks) that help you get your homework done?”
• Prepare for difficulties. Ask “I know you’ve missed completing assignments in the past. What helps you stay on top of homework and what gets in your way?”
• Experiment to figure out your plan. Since your child/teen has changed since their younger years along with the demands of their homework, it’s an ideal time to revisit the question of when your child/teen feels they’ll be at their best to tackle homework in the hours after school. They could have greater complexities than ever before with extracurriculars encroaching on free time, so there may not be a whole lot of opportunity for choice in the timing. But, if there is, try out different times to see what works best with their energy. Everyone has different energy cycles and times when they feel better able to focus, so work on discovering that rhythm with your child/teen, and you’ll go a long way toward setting them up for success!
• Take note of the time when your child/teen has said is their best time to do homework. Set a timer to go off at that time. Instead of you calling, “Time for homework!” which may incite a battle, an inanimate, dispassionate object is alerting them. You can use a kitchen timer outside or inside or collaboratively set an alarm on their cell phone or iPad.
• If your child/teen has decided to do homework right after school, be certain to provide a healthy high protein snack first (peanut butter crackers, cheese sticks, and apples). The social stress and expectations of school may be draining and could wear on a child’s/teen’s motivation to continue to work hard through the evening. Be sure they have the fuel necessary (through proper nutrition and a good night’s rest) to get through their work.
• If you cannot offer a choice in the time of day homework is completed, then find another choice your child/teen can make. For example, you could allow them to decide what space they use or what snack they will have to accompany homework completion. Adding some level of choice to the process will prevent power struggles and help your child/teen take ownership.
• a well-lit location (or get a task lamp to light up a preferred spot);
• close proximity to your family’s living space or kitchen (wherever you’ll typically be so that you are never far to offer support);
• a hard work surface that can get dirty (they may need to make a mess; pick a durable surface).
• School supplies including loose leaf paper, pens, pencils, pencil sharpeners, a dictionary, and any other items you anticipate they might need.
• No clutter. In fact, a disorganized environment can distract from their focus. So eliminate clutter, organize tools, and only have the essentials at hand. Invest in a few supply holders to keep tools neat and ready.
• A binder or bin or other receptacle designated for school papers that are brought home and stay at home.
• The goal of a homework space is to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your child/teen to fully focus on the work at hand. In this way, they’ll know what they can expect. You won’t have to struggle over frustrations when they can’t find a school tool. And, they’ll learn to take greater responsibility for their learning as they work with you to organize this space.
• Make it fun! Designing a homework spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your child/teen to pick out their own organization bins and school tools. Perhaps they could make a sign with their name on it to designate the space. Or, create a poster with an inspirational saying like, “Good things come from hard work!” Take a little time to label your new supply holders not only with names but also with stickers or drawings to allow your child/teen to personalize them. All this can be motivating.
• When offering choices in designing a homework space that works best for your child/teen, they may prefer to set up their work space in their bedroom because of their developmental desire for greater independence and privacy. If they do this, be sure you make a point of stopping in a few times – not to check up on them or play “Gotcha!” — but to offer your support. Also, be sure you establish clear boundaries and distinctions between screen time for homework and entertainment/socializing screen time.
• Create a family homework rule. Be sure to discuss (at a family dinner, for example) how the family can respect homework time. Consider if you want all siblings to do homework at the same time or not. If you want everyone to do homework at the same time, consider what would need to be in place to make that happen. Either way, agree upon a homework rule that each will respect the person who is focused on their work and will be quiet in that area of the house.

Step 2. Teach New Skills by Interactive Modeling

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that your child/teen is learning brand new study skills including project management, organization, and planning. Though they may be assigned work they are capable of doing, they may not be prepared to manage the larger workload. Because so much is new, expectations are greater, and they feel like they should already know it all, they can become overwhelmed and frustrated. Learning about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working on can help you know which tasks might be more difficult. Here are some examples as they relate to homework. 2

• Eleven-year-olds have lots of physical energy to expend, so they may need some time after school to move. They tend to desire staying up late, which can intrude on school goals, so set clear limits on screen times before bed and establish bedtimes based on reasonable sleep requirements. Eleven-year-olds require 9 to 11 hours of sleep depending upon the individual. 3
• Twelve-year-olds are undergoing a significant growth spurt so they’ll also require nutritious food and their required night’s sleep. They thrive with leadership opportunities, so when you see those chances or can reframe assignments in terms of leadership, that’s ideal. Twelve-year-olds are gaining more sophisticated ideas about themselves, others, and the world, and will be eager to share those ideas with parents, so your listening ear is important.
• Thirteen-year-olds can become particularly sensitive to real or perceived criticism from you or from classmates. They can become moody. They are seeking their independence and are ready for more freedom. Look for ways to offer independence and freedom paired with the new responsibilities that accompany those chances.
• Fourteen-year-olds may feel and act like they “know it all,” but they still look to you to set clear boundaries and to offer guidance. They may distance themselves requiring greater independence. Your job as parents is to realize this and not take it personally. Be there to listen with an open mind when they are ready to talk. They may be highly resistant to what they might view as lectures from adults. They may be more willing to admit when they have made a mistake, however, which can be a great asset at homework time. They are eager to investigate the larger world, so assignments can be highly engaging if related to that interest.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child/teen up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it is easy to be confused about how best to support your child’s/teen’s homework. Here are some specific ways you can define your role while ensuring your child/teen has full ownership over their learning process.

• “What is your guess about the answer?”
• “Is there another place you could find the answer?”
• “Is there another way to think about your answer?”
• Share your curiosity and interest in the subject but do not provide an answer.
• Focus on keywords so that they too can learn to spot key words.
• Attempt to read and review together. Because text is denser and more complex, children/teens may feel overwhelmed with information and struggle to focus on the most important points.
• Ask your child/teen which points are most important when you are talking about a problem.
• Have them underline or highlight those words in the instructions or in the specific question they are trying to answer so that you have a focusing point.
• Research together. If you cannot find the source of the problem in your child’s/teen’s books, then do some online research together. But, be certain that you allow your child/teen to drive the process. You might ask, “What should we look up or search for together?” These are the first seeds of strong research skills.
• Teach the essential “brain break.” Breaks do not represent weakness or a lack of persistence. In fact, human brains work better if they are given frequent breaks. Their young minds need processing time particularly as they are faced with taking in so much new information. In addition, the pressure of academic expectations can build. Their feelings may spill over at homework time when they are safe at home with you (and not needing to keep it together as much as at school).
• You might ask, “What else makes you feel better and comforted when you are frustrated?” Brainstorm a brief list of spaces, places, things, and actions that offer comfort when frustrated. Leave that list in your school tool homework space. It will serve as an ongoing resource when brain breaks are required.
• It’s a common challenge of homework time – particularly for middle school age students – to want to avoid failure and to fear making mistakes. In reality, because homework is practice, it is intended as a time to try out an answer, get it wrong, and try again. Hang up a sign near your homework spot to remind your child/teen, “Mistakes are part of learning.”
• You do not need to be subject matter experts EVER! If you find that you are struggling to get the right answer for yourself, take a step back. Realize that you are stealing a learning opportunity away from your child/teen. Ask yourself how you can provide the guidance and support for them to answer the question or solve the problem themselves (even if they get it wrong).

Though you may make comments you feel are empathizing with your child’s/teen’s predicament, be careful! Criticizing the work assigned, the teacher who assigned it, or the school’s policies will become demotivating for your child/teen. After all, why should they work hard if you don’t agree with what’s been assigned?

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Homework practice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen practices.

• Use “I’d love to challenge you…” statements. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “I’d love to pose a challenge to see if you can focus on math homework for the next seven minutes. Let’s set a timer.” This can be used when you are in the after school routine and need that alert to move on to homework.
• Do a “brain break” dry run. In the midst of homework one night, maybe at a natural breaking point, practice a “brain break.” Practice moving away from homework. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and sniff the fresh air. Then, go back and ask, “Do you feel refreshed and ready or do you need a little more time?” If they say they need more time, then ask what would make them feel better? Perhaps getting a snack or taking a walk might do the trick? This practice is super important if you plan to use it as a tool when your child/teen is really upset.
• Recognize effort. Frequently, children/teens get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on getting better? Recognize effort by saying “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you got to work this afternoon when the timer sounded without me asking – that’s taking responsibility!”
• Proactively remind. Often the challenges in a homework routine seem to recur day after day and may be predictable. You might know exactly what they are and when they are going to happen. So just before they do, remind in a gentle, non-public way. You may whisper in your child’s/teen’s ear, “Remember what we can do next to figure out the problem? What is it?”

Resist the temptation to nag. Children/Teens may require more time to work on an assignment than you feel is necessary. But, they need the time they need. Be sure to wait long enough for them to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they are able to do what you need them to do.

Step 4. Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen several new positive learning habits so that they understand how to perform them. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

• Promote a learning attitude. Show confidence that your child/teen can learn anything with time and practice (because they truly can!). Your comments and reflections will matter greatly in how competent they feel to meet any learning challenge.
• Ask key questions when your child/teen struggles. You could say, “It looks like you feel stuck. Is there another way you could approach the problem? How are you feeling about homework tonight?”
• Coach on communications. You might notice your child/teen struggling and getting stuck even with your support. You might then say, “Seems like you are having trouble figuring this problem out and cannot find the answer in your resources. Are there resources we haven’t thought about? This would be a good time to ask your teacher about this problem. How might you ask for help?”
• Stay engaged. It can be motivating for a child/teen when a parent does their own paperwork alongside them keeping them company. Working together, after all, is much more enjoyable than working alone.
• Allow for and reflect on real world consequences. If you see a mistake on your child’s/teen’s worksheet, don’t correct it. You’ll be taking away a valuable learning opportunity. You could leave it alone altogether or ask once, “Do you feel like this is right or are you struggling with it?” If your child/teen confirms it’s the answer they want to give, then allow them the experience of their teacher correcting it. It’s an important learning opportunity. It may open a door to extra support from their teacher.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process . First, get your own feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, when your feelings are in check you are able to provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child/teen into a discussion about the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel that your child/teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), then apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

If you groan that it’s homework time, surely they will groan as well. Become aware of your own reactions to homework. Be sure that the tone and attitude you bring to homework is one of digging in, being curious, and learning.

A research study noted whether mothers’ comments during homework completion were controlling or supporting autonomy and competence. 4 The researchers concluded that those children/teens who brought worries about their ability to perform had a heightened sensitivity to their mothers’ comments. Moms who supported their autonomy – “I know you can do it!” – and demonstrated that they believed in their child’s/teen’s ability to do the work showed increased achievement over time. However, those mothers who were more controlling in their comments – “I need to check your work. That’s not right” – fostered less engagement and lower achievement in their children/teens.

Step 5. Recognize Effort and Quality to Foster Motivation

No matter how old your child/teen is, your praise and encouragement are their sweetest reward.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worth your while to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way to promoting positive behaviors and helping your child/teen manage their feelings. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can recognize your child’s/teen’s efforts with praise, high fives, and hugs. Praise is most effective when you name the specific behavior of which you want to see more. For example, “You took a brain break and came back and worked through that challenging problem — that was a great idea!”

Avoid bribes. A bribe is a promise for a behavior, while praise is special attention after the behavior. While bribes may work in the short term, praise grows lasting motivation for good behavior and effort. For example, instead of saying, “If you work on your homework right after school, I will let you choose the game we play after dinner” (which is a bribe), try recognizing the behavior after. “You worked hard to complete your homework. Love seeing that!”

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. When your child/teen is buzzing through their homework tasks and on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed. “I notice you not only completed your homework but turned it in as well. Yes! Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like the entire homework routine to go smoothly – in order to recognize. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “We’ll get our business taken care of first with our homework, and then we’ll take a bike ride.” Include high fives, fist bumps, and hugs as ways to appreciate one another.

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent to use on many other issues and builds important skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children/teens to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making .

[ 1 ] Henderson, A.T., Mapp, K.L., Johnson, V.R., & Davies, D. (2007). Beyond the bake sale: The essential guide to family-school partnerships. NY: The New York Press.

[ 2 ] wood, c. (2017). yardsticks; child and adolescent development ages 4-14. turners falls, ma: center for responsive schools., [ 3 ] national sleep foundation. (2018). national sleep foundation recommends new sleep times. retrieved on 8-21-18 at https://sleepfoundation.org/press-release/national-sleep-foundation-recommends-new-sleep-times ., [ 4 ] fei-yin ng, f., kenney-benson, g.a., & pomerantz, e.m. (2004). children’s achievement moderates the effects of mothers’ use of control and autonomy support. child development. vol. 75, 3, 764-780., recommended citation: center for health and safety culture. (2020). homework. ages 11-14. retrieved from https://parentingmontana.org..

ParentingMontana.org was supported [in part] by CFDA 93.959 and 93.243 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), and by the Preschool Development Grant Birth through Five Initiative (PDG B-5), Grant Number 90TP0026-01-00, from the Office of Child Care, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and by the Montana State General Fund. The views and opinions contained do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, or the Montana Department of Health and Human Services, and should not be construed as such.

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Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...

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My Teen Won’t Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?

Meet Jake, a 15-year-old ninth grader, who rarely, if ever, does his homework. Jake’s teachers report that he is inconsistent. He enjoys learning about topics that interest him but seems unfocused during class and fails to complete necessary schoolwork, both in class and at home. Although his grades are suffering , Jake makes no effort to improve his circumstances. His frustrated parents find that their only recourse is nagging and con­stant supervision.

Sound familiar? When a teen won’t do homework , we call this behavior work inhibition. Here are some common characteris­tics of work inhibited students:

• Disorganization
• Lack of follow-through
• Inability to work indepen­dently; more likely to do work when a teacher or par­ent hovers close by
• Lack of focus
• Avoidance of work
• Lack of passion about school, despite ability and intelligence
• Negative attitude; self-conscious and easily discouraged

How can a parent help when a teen refuses to do school homework? First, try to uncover the root of the problem and then devise solutions based on that reason.

3 Reasons Why Teens Don’t Complete Homework and What to Do:

1. missing skills.

The most common rea­son for lack of motivation is a gap in skills. Unplanned absences or a heavy extracurricular load can contribute to skill gaps, even in otherwise bright teens. If you suspect a skill gap, act quickly to have your teen assessed. Your school guidance counselor can recommend the right resources.

2. Poor habits

Poor work habits can also contribute to work inhibition. Try to focus on a work system rather than the work itself with your teen. Set small goals to­gether and teach your teen to set small goals for him or herself. Try to take frequent notice of your teen’s effort and progress.

3. Lack of confidence

Often, students who are work inhibited fear being wrong and won’t ask questions when they need help. Teach your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Help them see these mistakes as another opportunity for learning.

What Parents Can Do to Promote Self-Sufficiency

1. offer limited help with homework.

Parents can offer limited help with homework.  Try to avoid micromanaging the process. When you micromanage, the mes­sage you send is that your teen will fail if you aren’t involved. When you show confidence in your teen’s ability to complete the task with­out you, your teen’s motivation and self-esteem will increase.

3. Resist lecturing

Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don’t lec­ture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can cre­ate more dependency.

3. Empower your teenager

Chores are a great way to empower teens . Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. Try assigning tasks related to an area of interest. If your teen en­joys trying new foods, delegate the preparation and cooking of dinner one night each week.

4. Focus on strengths

Focus on strengths rath­er than pointing out your teen’s faults. When your teen succeeds, give genuine, specific praise. When you need to discuss expectations or problems use a matter-of-fact tone instead of an emotional tone.

Once you and your teen agree on the underlying problem, then the two of you can develop a plan to help create a self-sufficient student.

Martina McIsaac is executive director of Huntington Learning Centers.

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Your Age-by-Age Guide to Homework

Are you scared to look in your child’s book bag at the end of the day?

And I’m not talking about the forgotten sandwiches that migrate to the bottom of a full backpack.

I mean the dreaded homework assignments that loom within folders and binders, just waiting to be ignored and fought over for the rest of the evening.

Typically when parents think of the word “homework”, they quickly associate it with the term “fight”.

But homework doesn’t have to be a fight – a struggle at times, yes, but now a full out war.

Understanding what homework looks like at each grade level is a great start to helping support your child in completing their school work.

Also, the earlier you focus on creating an environment of learning and studying, the easier time your child will have as they progress through school.

Here’s your guide on setting up your child for academic success as well as what kind of homework to expect for each grade:

Setting Up For Success

From day one, homework is important in developing good study skills.

In order to encourage your child to complete their homework and take it seriously, you need to establish a proper homework environment .

Here are some tips for setting your child up for homework success:

• Set a regular homework time. Homework should be done at the same time each evening to establish a routine. Just make sure you’re allowing your little one some time to decompress when they get home before jumping into more schoolwork.
• Create a study area. Give your child a place to with proper lighting, materials and few to now distractions.
• Keep an eye on their work. Involve yourself in the process not only by helping them with homework, but monitoring their progress as well.
• Be a role model. While you may not have homework at this stage in your life, you can model good study habits by reading and pursuing your own learning opportunities.

You may think your child is a little Einstein when they start school, but the learning material will progressively get more difficult as they age.

Encouraging good study habits will give them the skills they need to continue their success through school.

Grade-by-Grade Homework Guide

Kindergarten.

When your little one is in kindergarten, it’s likely they won’t have much for homework.

However, you may find the teacher sending home easy tasks such as practicing sight words, letters, numbers and working on patterns.

Since there shouldn’t be a lot of academic expectation from children this young, it’s easy to navigate the homework by making it fun and play-based.

Children learn best through tactile activities, so materials such as PlayDoh can be used to create numbers and letters as well as designing patterns using different colors.

A whiteboard is a great tool to practice what they are learning, especially sight words. Write out the word, have your child read it and let them erase it before moving on to the next one.

Kindergarten homework tends to be pretty repetitive, meaning that your child is likely going to practice the same material each night on a week-to-week basis.

Even if your little one is catching on quick to the material, it’s important to keep up with the homework habit. This is going to help them develop healthy studying habits as they move from grade to grade.

Elementary School: Grades 1 to 2

Once your child moves from kindergarten into grade 1, the learning environment becomes less play-based and more academic.

This doesn’t mean you can’t continue making homework fun! At this age, their focus is still on playing, so you can keep using novel materials when doing homework.

The workload is likely not going to increase during these grades, but the material may become more challenging.

In order to keep homework from becoming too time consuming, you may have to mix straight-up review with play.

Use unique activities when it comes to concepts your child is struggling with and quick reviews for the learning objectives they have easily grasped.

By these grades, teachers typically encourage your child to be reading. This aspect of homework can be delayed until bedtime – which makes reading seem less like “work” and more like a leisurely activity.

Elementary School: Grades 3 to 5

By the time your little one enters grade 3, and until they finish elementary school, they should begin to complete their homework independently.

While it’s important that you remain on standby to help them with difficult concepts, you should be able to set up each homework activity and allow them to complete them on their own.

During this time, students begin to progress from simply practicing basic skills and mastering them onto more complex skills.

This means that homework is going to become more challenging, which is why focusing on a good homework routine during these grades is very important.

If you find your child resisting their homework at this age, there’s nothing wrong with offering an incentive for completing it. Try to stay away from monetary rewards and focus more on fun activities they can engage in once homework is completed.

Remember to not make homework seem like a cumbersome chore – instead, cheer your child on as they work through it. Praise them for doing a good job.

Middle School: Grades 6 to 8

Once your child hits middle school, they should be able to complete their homework assignments on their own.

Homework at this grade level is going to shift more heavily from practicing concepts to completing assignments such as essays and projects.

This is the beginning stages of the foundation of study skills they will need to succeed in high school as well as college or university.

During this time, students are beginning to rely more on technology to complete their assignments. Make sure your child has access to a tablet or computer they can use to conduct research as well as seek help for their homework.

However, it’s important for you to stay involved in their progress. Regular check-ins with their homework will not only help your child stay on track but it will also show them that you want to be involved in their education.

High School: Grades 9 to 12

It’s in high school where a student’s homework load balloons and becomes more time consuming than it was before.

Luckily, kids at these grade levels are able to choose a portion of their courses, so they have a vested interest in what they are learning.

However, with all the changes they are experiencing emotionally and physically, this period of their lives can be extremely stressful.

Maintaining that homework routine is more important now than ever. Stressed-out teens may become overwhelmed with the workload and feel compelled on throwing in the towel on completing homework assignments.

Continue to be supportive by helping them plan and prepare for homework assignments as well as tests and exams .

While you may not be able to help them with the homework material (what is “new” math, anyway?), you can certainly lend a hand when it comes to time management and getting the homework done.

You Can Make the Difference

When left to their own devices, children can’t be expected to take their schoolwork 100% seriously.

It’s your job as the parent to support and guide them through their homework and assignments.

Building good habits now is going to make all the differences as your child progresses through school.

How do you deal with homework hurdles? Share your tips in the comments!

My name is Chelsy and I am a single mother, blogger, and freelance writer. I blog about parenting at Motherhood+Mayhem (motherhoodandmayhem.online) and about working from home at Mama Needs Coffee (mamaneedscoffee.online). When I'm not writing or blogging, you can find me building blanket forts in my living room.

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7 Easy Ways to Help Your Kids To Finish Their Homework…

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Dear ADDitude: My Teen Won’t Do His Homework!

“My 13-year-old rushes through his homework and often forgets to hand it in. He also has ODD, so he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to study or accept help. He is smart, but his attitude and lack of motivation are holding him back. What can I do?”

Defiant Over Homework: Reader Question

Defiant over homework: additude answers.

ADHD, ODD, and puberty are a tough combination. Work on one challenge at a time. First, handle the missing assignments. Set up a meeting with your son’s teachers to find out which assignments are missing, and come up with a schedule for getting him caught up. Choose to work on a few assignments per night until he is caught up. I would suggest not allowing any screen time until that day’s assignments are complete. Follow up with his teachers to make sure they received the completed assignments. If it is possible to e-mail assignments, once they are completed, that would be ideal.

Now you can focus on the quality of the work and his motivation to do it. Many 13-year-old boys are not motivated to do schoolwork. This may be a sign of his age, his ADHD , his ODD, or a combination. If you find less screen time helps, keep this policy up until schoolwork is completed for the evening. Although teens with ODD often resent and argue with rules, you should keep certain rules in place. Clearly explain to your son the consequences and rewards. Be consistent with your approach, and focus on what he is doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong.

Posted by Eileen Bailey Freelance writer, author specializing in ADHD, anxiety, and autism

My son is 13, in 7th grade, and also rushes through all work and homework. He has a gifted IQ but currently has two low D’s in two classes.

The reason my son does so poorly in school is mostly due to his executive functioning deficits  and the fact that teachers won’t provide the support he needs in that area.

[ Take This Test If You Think Your Child Has Oppositional Defiant Disorder ]

Ask for a parent-teacher meeting to address missing assignments, and ask the teacher to accommodate your son by reminding him to turn things in. Read this: ADHD in Middle School Survival Guide .

As for rushing through, I don’t know what to do. Individuals with ADHD are only motivated when something is of interest — it’s the way their brains work. I keep reminding myself that grades aren’t everything, but it does hurt his self-esteem.

Posted by Penny ADDitude community moderator, author on ADHD parenting, mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

Rushing through homework is so common and kids with ADHD. One thing that I really love for these students is called “designated homework time.” It’s basically based on the premise that kids should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. So a third grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, a 6th grader about 60 minutes of homework, and so on.

[ Smart Homework Strategies for Teachers & Parents: A Free Handout ]

If your child is miraculously doing homework for, say, a third grader in three minutes, even though you know they have a lot more, you can set the time expectation and say, “All right, Jimmy, you’re going to have 30 minutes to do your homework each day even if you say you have none at all.” Then, set the timer and make sure that Jimmy has this designated homework time. Even if he says he’s done, he still has to read for pleasure, or practice his math facts. That set period of time really reduces rushing because kids know that they’re not going to get up and be able to play XBox after three minutes.

Also keep in mind that sometimes when kids rush, they have a hard time paying attention to detail. It’s not just that they want to make us upset or that they ignore when you say, “Go back and check your work.” Instead what you want to say is, “As you’re doing your homework and you come to one that’s hard for you, circle that one so then you can go back at the end and work through that with a little bit more time.”

I also encourage younger kids to make a game out of it and I’ll say, “Okay, let’s say that you’re going to review five questions that were hard for you. Put a little box on the upper right hand corner of your worksheet and every time you go back and you check one of those hard questions, give yourself a tally mark.” For every set number of tally marks, kids can earn a reward.

Posted by Ann Dolin, M.Ed. Founder of Educational Connections, and author of Homework Made Simple

Defiant Over Homework: A Reader Answers

My daughter is 15 years old, and has struggled with homework all through school. Each night, my wife or I checked all homework and made her fix errors or rewrite things that were rushed or poorly done.

She eventually figured out we were not going to let her get away with a rush job. There were no video games, TV shows, or other activities until we said the evening’s assignments were complete. Our kids loved to read so we even took away books.

Eventually, we got an IEP. For one accommodation, the teacher checked and initialed her assignment book at the end of the day and asked if everything was turned in at the same time. The school had a computerized system so we could track missing work.

Part of the problem is her backpack and binders looked like an explosion went off. Our new system seems to be working. Straight A’s this last report card.

Take it one step at a time and teach the behavior you want your son to follow. Give yourself kudos for caring so much.

Posted by Augie

My daughter rushes through homework, too! I’ve been diligently checking it and making her correct where needed. But she recently had her first big “project” that I knew was going to drive me crazy, requiring hours of research and typing.

I made a couple of attempts to start her working on it. She hurried through, doing sloppy work, continually asking, “Can I stop now?” Then, I hit upon a solution that worked for us. I told her she had to work for 30 minutes before a break, and even if she “finished,” she’d have to read in a text book.

This eliminated her desire to hurry-up-and-finish because there was nothing to look forward to. She kept a close eye on the count-down timer, but actually slowed down with her work. It took quite a few 30 minute sessions, with nice-sized breaks in-between, but she got it done, and nicely, too. And as an added bonus, there was a lot less whining.

She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to make the 30-minute rule apply to daily homework, too!

Posted by Fair Hope

We found that using an “ADHD watch,” which vibrates every 5 minutes has helped our son refocus when doing homework (and at school) while on the computer. Since he doesn’t seem to be able to judge the passing of time, this lets him know it has been 5 minutes and he needs to refocus. He could easily “go down a rabbit hole” for hours following links without realizing it.

We also instituted a reward system where I pay him if he completes an assignment correctly within “x” amount of time and he pays me if he doesn’t. Homework got done very quickly after the first time he paid me!

Posted by kfwellman

My son gets a half hour of “down time” after school and before starting homework, but , he doesn’t get to start video games until after the work is done. If he gets into that game mindset, he won’t want to stop and then it becomes a battle to get him off it. So, he can play, watch a little TV, or whatever for a half hour, and then it’s homework time. When the homework is done, he is rewarded with a half hour of video game time.

I’ve also read many times that, in addition to making them feel successful, the video games make them feel like this is the ONE area of their lives over which they have some control, which actually helps his behavior and defiance. I mean, think about it: They struggle all day and have difficulties with peers, teachers and their own feeling of self-worth, but, when it comes to video games, they are the ones in control for a change. It also has to do with the instant gratification they get from the games. That’s why they are so addictive. So, the games do a number of things for them.

I don’t like taking the games away as punishment because I know that the games do all these things for my son, but I try to make it clear where the games fall on the hierarchy of priorities, and sometimes I do have to use them to get my son to do what he needs to do.

Posted by JAMurphy

My son is 15 and I don’t believe he’s too motivated either. Fortunately, the grades have been okay, but he hates to do homework and he did not study for his final exams. It seems that school just taxes him and when he gets home, the thought of having to concentrate just does him in behaviorally.

I try not to overreact to all of this (It’s hard sometimes!), and I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that he probably never will like school. It’s just not an ADHD-friendly place, unfortunately. Each semester, I meet with teachers to explain his challenges. Organization is a huge one for my son. I tell them that these are brain issues, not attitude issues. I don’t want to baby my son, but it is hard to find the balance between helping and being over-involved. I tell him he needs to fulfill his responsibilities and that I am always available to help him if needed.

I try to remind my son that his schoolwork is for himself , not me or his father. I told him that when he doesn’t do well or chooses not to do something, he’s not letting me down. Then I ask him who he’s letting down and he always knows the answer. “Me,” he says. I try to tell him that making the effort is like giving himself a gift. Sometimes he buys this, sometimes not.

So my mindset these days is to try and get through with the least abount of damage possible. At the same time, I try to find and use my son’s gifts and talents outside of school so he has things to feel good about. I don’t take away sports as a consequence because he needs it, for example.

Also, if you haven’t read Chris Dendy’s book on teenagers and ADHD, it is an absolute must-read. It helped me a lot. One of her best pieces of advice was, “Give yourself permission to be more involved with your child that you normally would.” These kids need someone who loves them no matter what.

Posted by momto3kids

[ Free Resource: Proven Homework Help for Kids with ADHD ]

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How to Homeschool a 14 Year Old

Learning activities for 14 year olds will focus on developing the necessary groundwork to ensure future success in high school. Advanced skill building in essay writing, solving quadratic equations, and cell theory are just a few topics your students will study.

Parents are generally tasked with choosing a 9th grade curriculum that covers these topics and offers additional benefits. For example, your curriculum should provide flexibility, core subjects that focus on meeting your high school objectives and engaging lessons that inspire independent learning.

It’s a big responsibility, and that’s why we’ve provided the following information as a guide. You’ll learn about:

What Should a 14 Year Old Be Learning?

How to start homeschooling a 14 year old, what should a curriculum for a 14 year old look like, how time4learning helps you homeschool your 14 year old, tips for homeschooling a 14 year old.

Subject matter is crucial when you start thinking about how to homeschool a 14 year old. The ideal curriculum begins with language arts and usually algebra I. Topics for science and social studies vary, they include biology, chemistry and physics for science and US history I and II, US government and world history for social studies. Electives should also play an important role in your homeschool curriculum.

Additional lessons your students should be learning include:

• Identifying and explaining the use of allegory and satire in novels.
• Detecting run-on sentences, and sentence fragments and avoiding them.
• Understanding nonlinear functions, including exponential and quadratic functions.
• Developing skills in statistics and data analysis.
• Defining human impact on the environment and how to stop it.
• Writing lab reports, reading microscopic slides and conducting experiments.
• Explaining how industrialization led to new economic theories.
• Assessing how war production helped to end the Great Depression.

Don’t forget about electives! These courses are a great way for your child to either learn more about something they are curious about or advance their knowledge in a particular subject. Time4Learning offers 14 electives for high school students in areas like health, science, math, and more.

Like any other age group, there are steps you should take before you begin homeschooling your 14 year old. Taking these steps will ensure a more productive, enjoyable and collaborative school year. Start by reviewing these action items:

• Step 1:  Investigate your state laws , especially about compulsory attendance. Most states have their own requirements regarding the number of days per year that you are required to homeschool your child.
• Step 2: Review several curriculum or curricula options with your child. Collaboration is important, because your child probably understands what learning format suits them the best by now.
• Step 3: Craft a temporary version of your goals and objectives with your student. This will probably change so don’t set it in stone.
• Step 4: Create a schedule. Take into account when your 14 year old is at their peak learning point. If they learn best in the late afternoon, begin classes then. Adjust your schedule as the year progresses.
• Step 5: Have your child choose social events that most interest them — this could be intramural sports, time with friends, or any activity that involves a group.
• Step 6: Include educational activities that your students enjoy, such as hobbies, field trips, or STEM experiments. Brainstorm with your child and come up with some ideas.

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Now that your child is becoming a young adult, they will be expected to “take the next step” and master more difficult concepts, while using critical thinking, complex analysis and organizational skills. Their curriculum or curricula should help them reach those objectives by offering diverse lesson options such as interactive activities, videos, and real-world projects that engage your students. Additional features should include:

• A comprehensive scope and sequence that will help you and your student plan out their freshman year and meet their learning objectives.
• An automated grading and reporting system for convenient record-keeping.
• Lesson activities that focus on different learning styles ,  providing every student with the chance to succeed.
• An affordable monthly payment schedule that allows you to start, stop, or pause membership at any time.
• Learning activities for 14 year olds in language arts, math, science, and social studies plus innovative electives to help refine additional skill sets.
• Parental tools such as activity scheduling and parental support through online Parent Forums.
• Multimedia lessons in an interactive atmosphere that helps students master more difficult concepts.

If you’re concerned about how to homeschool a 14 year old, review the resources Time4Learning offers. We provide interactive lessons, multimedia activities, videos, easy-to-follow instructions and teacher engagement sessions. Students learn independently and at their own pace, while you manage their overall performance. It’s a collaboration that has worked for thousands of homeschoolers.

You can count on additional benefits from Time4Learning such as:

• An award-winning core curriculum that helps homeschoolers meet state requirements, plus rewarding electives such as Lifetime Fitness , Strategies for Academic Success and more.
• Written, spoken and visually appealing video lessons that appeal to   homeschooling children with special needs   and those who prefer using different learning styles .
• An automated grading and recordkeeping system that saves parents time and helps them manage their student’s progress.
• A budget-friendly membership backed by a 14-day money-back guarantee , that allows you to start, stop, or pause your membership at any time without penalty.
• Step-by-step lessons that help boost your student’s understanding of advanced mathematical equations, scientific theories, and language arts concepts.
• 24/7 access to the program in a safe and secure environment, which allows your students to study during the day or evening.
• Comprehensive student planners, lesson plans, and other organizational tools that keep your students prepared and up-to-date on their studies.

Time4Learning isn’t the only online curriculum on the market for homeschooling a 14 year old.  That’s why we provided this information, so you can compare Time4Learning to other popular online curricula . If you can’t make up your mind about one certain option, you can always choose to mix the best parts of more than one curriculum (called an eclectic approach) to suit the needs of your student and your family dynamic.

Now that your teen is in high school , they will start becoming more independent. It’s a part of growing up.  But independence doesn’t mean that you won’t be providing them with the guidance they need to succeed. Even teenagers (although they may not admit it), need direction. These tips will help you provide some, and give you additional advice on how to homeschool a 14 year old.

• Give them space. Teenagers are notorious for getting a bit cranky. If your child is having a bad day or just in a “mood”, give them time to work it out on their own.
• Homeschooling affords great flexibility. Use that flexibility when you’re preparing a schedule. If your child prefers studying at night, let them go for it. As long as they’re getting their school work finished, there’s no harm done. You don’t have to follow a strict traditional school schedule.
• Incorporate STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) into your weekly assignments. These types of assignments beef up their critical thinking skills and provide a much needed break from just their core subjects.
• Try doing some volunteer work . Check a local animal pound, nursing home facility, or food kitchen for ideas. You never know, someone may need assistance. It’s a win/win for your students and the community where they live.
• Don’t be afraid to rely on technology. By combining online curriculum options, apps, and educational computer games, your students will become more familiar with using multiple devices and programs that employers find valuable.
• Provide more social time. Many teens are socially active. Encourage that by joining co ops, homeschooling groups and activities that promote conversation and interaction.
• Start talking more about money. The best financial education comes from the home. Teach your children how to budget and make smart money management decisions . They should fully understand that money is earned, not given.

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How to Deal With A Teenager Not Interested in Studies Using Brain Science

It is an age old question: How to motivate teenager to study in a way that won’t backfire?

Motivation involves a complex system in the brain. ​1​

Conventional strategies such as simple positive reinforcement or punishment usually work temporarily, if at all.

They often backfire, resulting in less motivation in kids.

Find out how to truly motivate a teenager so they can develop the right motivation to study.

Table of Contents

Motivation & The Brain

Motivation is associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine. ​2​

Dopamine levels are boosted when we encounter rewarding experiences, such as winning a video game or being praised. In contrast, low levels of dopamine are associated with a lack of motivation and boredom.

An optimal dopamine level can lead to high motivation.

It is the key to your teenager’s motivation. ​3​

During teenage years, it is very easy for the levels of dopamine to fall.

So, prior to raising them, we need to prevent them from dropping.

Stress & The Adolescent Brain

Stress is the enemy of dopamine.

Even mild chronic stress can cause your teenager’s dopamine levels to plummet so that they don’t want to do anything .

While children’s brains grow rapidly during puberty and adolescence, increased plasticity also leaves them vulnerable.

A teenager’s brain is more sensitive to stress.

Chronic stress, also called toxic stress, is not good for anyone at any age, but it is particularly harmful for adolescent brains because it may lead to permanent changes in brain development .

In extreme cases, toxic stress can result in a smaller brain, and damages in the learning, memory and focusing center of the brain. ​4​

Toxic stress during this period also contributes to mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, schizophrenia and drug abuse, often observed during adolescence.

Not only are teenagers more susceptible to stress, but they are also more reactive and emotional. ​5​

Therefore, teenagers can lose motivation to study easily and act emotional over benign requests to do school work.

In a sense, they can’t help it. Their motivation and emotional regulation is quite fragile during this period.

How to Motivate Teenager to Study

Here is how to convince teenager to study and help them boost motivation.

1. Stop motivating to stop the stress

Stress not only cannot motivate, but it can also have a negative impact on your child’s brain development.

The best thing parents can do to motivate their teenagers to study is to remove stress from their lives.

Sadly, parents are one of the most common sources of chronic stress for teenagers.

You have already reminded your child about what they should do a million times.

More reminders create unnecessary stress for your child.

Here are the chronic stressors to eliminate for them.

• Stop nagging constantly about school work.
• Don’t keep reminding them about college.
• Don’t punish them for poor grades or missing homework.
• No more staying on their cases all the time.

2. Rebuild relationship

Relatedness is one of the most powerful motivators.

It’s the feeling of belonging and connecting with someone who cares. 

Unmotivated teenagers often have strained relationships with their parents.

Motivate them by mending the relationship and becoming a source of strength in your teen’s life instead of a source of stress.

Building a strong parent-child relationship is not much different from building any relationship.

If you are always being ordered around and disrespected, and always on the wrong side of things while the other one is always right, would you want to be in a relationship like that?

A strong, positive relationship is built on trust and respect.

We’re raising children to become adults.

Talk to them as adults and discuss things with them when you don’t agree.

Having a close, warm and accepting relationship with parents is the strongest predictor of future success .

It gives your teen a robust foundation for their future achievement.

3. Give autonomous support and help them internalize the value of learning

According to Self-Determination Theory, developed by psychology and motivation experts Deci & Ryan at the University of Rochester, teens who think they have control over their activities are more motivated. ​6​

Children, especially teenagers, cannot be motivated when they feel controlled or pressured to study.

They need to want to study willingly to have the motivation to do so.

It sounds backwards, but it’s true.

When teenagers are allowed the autonomy to decide what activities to engage in, they will be self-driven to do things they deem valuable .

The key is to help them internalize the reasons to study.

Children, especially teenagers, internalize the values of those they feel connected to.

“I need to study because otherwise I would be punished.”

“I need to study because learning is important to my Mom and therefore, it’s important to me too”.

Which reason is more compelling? 

But to do this, you need to do #2 above first, i.e. restoring a strong relationship.

Granting a healthy sense of control also means that your teenager will become responsible for things that they should be responsible for.

School work must be your teen’s responsibility, not yours.

So put them in the driver’s seat and let them take that on.

Autonomy is the most important motivator.

Studies show that without a sense of control, your teenager will not be intrinsically motivated to study even if all the other items on this list are present.

4. Give true autonomy

One of the most common complaints about #3 is that parents panic when they try to give their teenagers autonomy.

When an oppressed teen is suddenly given freedom, some of them will take advantage of that and stop doing everything.

Teens who don’t value education as much as their parents usually reflect a lack of strong bond with the parents.

When this happens, the parent-child bond is further eroded if the parents immediately declare, “It doesn’t work,” jump back into the driver’s seat and remove the child’s autonomy.

True autonomy is given when the child gets to experience the natural consequences of their action (or the lack of).

If your teen does that, spend more time connecting and strengthening your relationship rather than nagging about homework.

5. Help them master

The Self-Determination Theory also suggests that a sense of competence can improve one’s motivation.

A sense of mastery can develop when your child tackles a task easy enough to complete, but difficult enough for them to feel challenged.

Helping teenagers master school work can help bolster their self-esteem in addition to competence.

If a subject is too hard, it will be hard to feel motivated to do something you’re not good at.

If your teenager is struggling with school work because they are not doing well, consider hiring a tutor to help.

Find a tutor your child can relate to, because they can then also motivate your teenager through relatedness.

If school is too easy, look for supplemental classes or materials for your child to work on.

In any case, involve them to make that decision so they can feel in control of their studying.

6. Encourage dopamine-replenishing activities

One way to help teens enhance their dopamine levels is exercising.

Physical activities can help regulate dopamine release in the brain. ​7​

In addition, exercises can improve teenagers’ mood and mental wellbeing. ​8​

Exercise is also related to enhanced cognitive functioning and brain plasticity. ​9​

Having a better mood allows easier relationship building and better brain functioning facilitates the teenager’s mastery.

Encourage your teen to get some physical exercises every day to boost their health and motivation to learn.

Final Thought On How To Motivate Teenager To Study

Motivation is complicated, because the human brain is one of the most complicated systems in the world.

As technology advances, scientists start to gain a greater understanding of it.

Our strategies in parenting teenagers must also adapt as we have more knowledge about how a brain works.

• 1. Robbins TW, Everitt BJ. Neurobehavioural mechanisms of reward and motivation. Current Opinion in Neurobiology . Published online April 1996:228-236. doi: 10.1016/s0959-4388(96)80077-8
• 2. Wise RA. Dopamine, learning and motivation. Nat Rev Neurosci . Published online June 2004:483-494. doi: 10.1038/nrn1406
• 3. Mohebi A, Pettibone JR, Hamid AA, et al. Dissociable dopamine dynamics for learning and motivation. Nature . Published online May 22, 2019:65-70. doi: 10.1038/s41586-019-1235-y
• 4. Eiland L, Romeo RD. Stress and the developing adolescent brain. Neuroscience . Published online September 2013:162-171. doi: 10.1016/j.neuroscience.2012.10.048
• 5. Dahl RE, Gunnar MR. Heightened stress responsiveness and emotional reactivity during pubertal maturation: Implications for psychopathology. Dev Psychopathol . Published online January 2009:1-6. doi: 10.1017/s0954579409000017
• 6. Gagné M, Deci EL. Self-determination theory and work motivation. J Organiz Behav . Published online April 14, 2005:331-362. doi: 10.1002/job.322
• 7. Sutoo D, Akiyama K. Regulation of brain function by exercise. Neurobiology of Disease . Published online June 2003:1-14. doi: 10.1016/s0969-9961(03)00030-5
• 8. Heijnen S, Hommel B, Kibele A, Colzato LS. Neuromodulation of Aerobic Exercise—A Review. Front Psychol . Published online January 7, 2016. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01890
• 9. Deslandes A, Moraes H, Ferreira C, et al. Exercise and Mental Health: Many Reasons to Move. Neuropsychobiology . Published online 2009:191-198. doi: 10.1159/000223730

Helping with Math

Age 12-14 Math Worksheets

In this section, you can view all of our math worksheets and resources that are suitable for 12 to 14-year-olds..

We add dozens of new worksheets and materials for math teachers and homeschool parents every month. Below are the latest age 12-14 worksheets added to the site.

Understanding the properties of rotations, reflections, and translations of 2D figures 8th Grade Math Worksheets

Solving Linear Equations in One Variable Integral Coefficients and Rational Coefficients 8th Grade Math Worksheets

Interpreting linear functions in a form of y=mx+b and its graph 8th Grade Math Worksheets

Performing Operations using Scientific Notation 8th Grade Math Worksheets

Understanding Irrational Numbers 8th Grade Math Worksheets

3-Figure Bearings (International Seafarer Day Themed) Math Worksheets

Exponential Growth and Decay (Financial Risk Management Themed) Math Worksheets

Addition of Radical Expressions (Ages 12-14) Worksheets (St. Patrick’s Day themed)

Subtraction of Algebraic Expressions (Ages 12-14) Worksheets (4th Of July Themed)

Addition of Polynomials (Ages 11-13) Worksheets (International Women’s Day Themed)

Division of Radicals (Online Learning Themed) Worksheets

Understanding Pythagorean Theorem 8th Grade Math Worksheets

Working with Radicals and Integer Exponents 8th Grade Math Worksheets

Parallel lines Cut by a Transversal 8th Grade Math Worksheets

Understanding Basic Concepts of Relations and Functions 8th Grade Math Worksheets

Multiplication of Functions (Travel and Tours Themed) Worksheets

Multiplication of Algebraic Expressions (World Oceans Day Themed) Worksheets

Division of Polynomials (Labor Day Themed) Worksheets

Addition of Algebraic Expressions (Ages 12-14) Worksheets (Earth Day Themed)

Laws of Integral Exponent (Labor Day Themed) Math Worksheets

12-14 years of age math learning objectives & standards:.

• Mathematics lessons from age 12 to 14 focus on college level preparation. It is expected that in this pre-college age bracket, math discussions are more complex and more abstract. Learners have to deal with radical expressions that involve rational exponents unlike in the previous age brackets where radical expressions are concentrated only with integral exponents. They will also go deeper with rational and irrational numbers by exploring their properties. In addition, they are expected to learn the concepts of complex numbers : its definition, operations, and application of conjugates to solve complex number-related problems. Learners also apply the meaning of Fundamental Theorem of Algebra and polynomial identities to look for the solution of a particular quadratic expression/equation. 
• In this age cluster, topics pertaining to Algebra mainly concentrate on polynomials , functions, equations, and inequalities . Here, learners are using their previous knowledge of algebraic expressions to find the sum, difference, product, and quotient of two or more polynomials. Theorems just like Remainder Theorem, Factor Theorem , Rational Root Theorem, and Binomial Theorem are being given more emphasis to solve for the roots of polynomials. Learners explore different mathematical strategies to solve for the zeros of quadratic equations — these include factoring, completing the square, and quadratic formula. They also expand their knowledge and understanding of equations and inequalities by simultaneously solving linear and quadratic equations/inequalities. 
• In dealing with functions, learners are expected to learn how to evaluate and generate functions. In fact, the focal point of the discussions lie on the application of functions in real-life settings. The input-output relationship has to be defined using a functional model and to represent the values using graph and table. Exploration of different types of functions such as piecewise functions , absolute value functions, polynomial functions, rational functions, exponential functions, logarithmic functions, linear functions, and inverse functions are given more integral emphasis. 
• Learners will now welcome the world of trigonometry by learning its basic concepts. Initially, they will get involved with another unit of angle measurement aside from the degree which is the radian measure. As a starter pack, age 12-14 learners will learn about unit circle , special triangles, right triangles, the six trigonometric ratios, and the different laws — Laws of Sines and Cosines. They will also prove and derive trigonometric identities and will use some trigonometric concepts to provide proof of triangle similarities and congruences. 
• In Geometry, learners will concentrate not on triangles and quadrilaterals anymore but in circles. First, they need to orient themselves with the different definitions, corollaries, axioms, and theorems related to angles and segments of a circle. Also, arc length and area of the sector are given emphasis. On a more advanced level, learners will now begin their journey of conic sections — mainly about the equation of the circle and parabola . They will be asked to derive the center of the circle as well as the length of the radius given the standard form of the equation and vice versa. Moreover, they will strengthen their understanding of parallel and perpendicular lines , ratios of segments, and distance formula to prove some properties of a given geometric figure.
• Last but definitely not the least, learners of this age bracket will crystallize their understanding of basic statistical concepts by applying it in the field of Inferential Statistics. These learned basic concepts such as dot plots , histogram , frequency table, measures of central tendency, variability, population and sample are to be applied to research writing. Learners are expected to conduct surveys, mini-research studies, etc to make use of these concepts in conducting hypothesis testing and significant difference. Last, learners will make use of their knowledge of permutation and combination to solve real-life problems. The concepts of probability will be further applied in dealing with independent events, conditional probability, and compound events.

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Chores List for Older Kids and Teens

Jupiterimages / Photolibrary / Getty Images

Chores for Older Kids and Teens

• Safety Issues
• Care for Belongings
• Responsibility
• Good Citizenship
• Chores by Season
• Encourage a Work Ethic

It can be hard to know what chores to give your teen. It can be even harder to get your teen to do the chores you assign.

Performing household chores teach young people responsibility and can help your child learn to be a good citizen. It's also part of growing up. Someday, your teen will either be living on their own or with a roommate, friend, or partner. The skills they'll acquire through doing chores will serve them throughout their adult lives. Learn more about the best chores to assign older kids and teens.

There are endless options for chores to give your older kids and teenagers—and certain chores may be a better match for some kids than others. You and your child can brainstorm the ones that might be best for them. However, here are 10 of the most popular options to get you started:

• Doing, folding, and putting away laundry
• Helping to prepare meals
• Loading and unloading the dishwasher
• Mowing the lawn
• Packing their school lunch
• Taking out the garbage and recycling
• Tidying up their room
• Walking the dog
• Washing the car

What Chores Can Older Kids and Teens Do?

Teens are capable of doing practically any household chore that adults can do. However, they will need direction and guidance as they learn how to do chores correctly. Guidance is not the same as nagging. Start by showing your teen how to do a specific chore and then monitor their work to ensure they can do it on their own.

For example, if your teen isn't cleaning the bathroom in a sanitary manner, or if their lawn mowing technique leaves a lot to be desired, consider it a teachable moment. Make your expectations clear and actually demonstrate how you'd like a chore to be done.

Chores are a way to teach your teen about adult life. You can also weave money-managing skills into chores: consider giving your teen an allowance for doing certain chores or link chores to specific privileges.

Make it clear that hard work leads to rewards, just like hard work at a future job will lead to a paycheck.

Keep in mind, some teens do not have the skill to start, maintain, and/or complete a task—much less a full list of chores. If your teen is struggling, take notes about what they need to correct, then work together to determine the skills that are needed for your teen to be successful in navigating and completing the task you've assigned them.

You can also use Grandma's Rule of Discipline , which ties a task to a specific incentive or privilege. Tell your teen that they can spend time with friends as soon as their chores are done. If they are motivated to see their friends, they will likely work hard to get the chores done.

Consider Safety Issues

Most teens are mature enough to do chores with little to no supervision. That said, every teen is different. Carefully consider your teen's skill level before creating their chore list.

Make sure that your teen is aware of and educated about common safety concerns and household hazards. Teach them what to do to prevent accidents as well as ensure that they know what to do if something happens.

For example, household chemicals can be a hazard. Talk to your teen about the importance of not combining chemicals and discuss ventilation issues. Make sure to discuss what to do if your teen accidentally gets a chemical on their skin or in their eyes.

Before allowing your teen to use the stove, lawnmower, weed whacker, power tools, or other appliances, go over safety issues. Supervise your teen before you allow them to use those items independently.

Make sure they know and practice safety precautions, such as knowing how to handle extension cords (for example, never plugging in a cord that's frayed or wet).

Teach Care for Belongings

Teach your teen to keep their personal space clean. This might involve keeping their bedroom clean and making sure their things are organized when they're in common areas of the house. The chores you assign should be things that will help your teen recognize the importance of taking care of their personal items.

Here are a few examples of chores that are a good fit for most teens:

• Making their bed (including changing the sheets)
• Organizing their closet
• Putting their clothes away
• Putting items back where they belong
• Sweeping or vacuuming their bedroom

Teach Responsibility

While all chores instill responsibility, creating a chore list that includes caring for other people, pets, or plants, gives your teen a chance to be in charge.

These chores show your teen that you trust them and that you feel they are responsible enough to have someone (or something) depend on them.

Consider including a few of these items on your teen's chore list:

• Babysitting younger siblings
• Brushing the pets outside to reduce shedding indoors
• Feeding the pet
• Making lunch for siblings
• Walking the pet or cleaning litter
• Washing the pet and/or pet’s things
• Watering plants

Teach Citizenship

Give your teen a variety of chores. You might consider having siblings swap duties from month to month or week to week just to make sure everyone has practice doing each chore.

To help instill a sense of community responsibility, include chores that involve caring for common areas in the home:

• Cleaning refrigerator shelves and door (inside and out)
• Cleaning the bathroom sink, mirror, and toilet
• Cleaning the kitchen counters
• Cooking dinner (you can provide instructions)
• Dusting the living room, bedrooms, and office space
• Emptying the dishwasher or washing dishes
• Mopping the floors
• Organizing bookshelves
• Organizing drawers
• Organizing the food in the pantry
• Organizing the garage
• Sanitizing surfaces
• Shampooing the carpets
• Straightening up the living room
• Sweeping the kitchen and bathroom floors
• Taking care of items for recycling
• Taking the trash out to the street for pick up or loading into the car to take to the transfer station
• Vacuuming living room, hallways, bedrooms, and stairs
• Vacuuming the furniture
• Washing and drying laundry
• Washing windows

Assign Chores by Season

You can also change or assign chores based on the season. Depending on where you live, there are some tasks that might only need doing part of the year (such as shoveling snow).

Spring and Summer

Warmer weather may mean more opportunities to do outdoor chores. And summer vacation is a great time to assign more chores. Here are some summer chore list ideas:

• Cleaning outdoor furniture
• Gathering unwanted items to donate or sell at a yard sale
• Getting outdoor items out of storage and ready for use
• Helping with landscaping projects, like spreading mulch or building a rock wall
• Trimming the bushes
• Vacuuming the car
• Washing outdoor items, like boats, ATVs, campers, or other outdoor items
• Weeding the garden

Fall Chores

During the fall months, you may need certain outdoor chores done, especially yard work. Here are some fall chores teens can do:

• Blowing the leaves off the driveway
• Cleaning out the garden
• Cleaning outdoor items and help store them for winter
• Helping clean the gutters
• Raking the lawn

Winter Chores

If you live in a cold climate, there's a good chance you'll need help with snow removal. Here are some cold-weather chores you might add to your teen's chore list:

• Cleaning snow off the car(s)
• Shoveling the walkway/driveway

Encourage a Good Work Ethic

Work with your teen on identifying a regular chore schedule. Give your teen daily chores, as well as bigger chores to do on the weekends or during school vacations.

Use chores as a way to help your teen become more responsible, but make sure your teen doesn't take on too many chores. Find a healthy balance that will give your child the chance to acquire valuable life skills and still have plenty of time to do homework and have some fun.

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Chores and Children .

American Academy of Pediatrics. HealthyChildren.org:  Chores and Responsibility

HealthyChildren.org: Chores and Responsibility .

Household Chores Extend Your Life.  New Scientist . 2017;235(3145):20.

By Amy Morin, LCSW Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, an international bestselling author of books on mental strength and host of The Verywell Mind Podcast. She delivered one of the most popular TEDx talks of all time.

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Homework in High School

Parent q&a.

Select any title to view the full question and replies.

How do your high schoolers track their daily homework assignments?

My husband and I have been going crazy, trying to get our 14 year old daughter (freshman in high school) to write down her homework assignments every day in class.  She is extremely resistant to this idea for some strange reason. 

She has 4 classes; has 3 A's and 1 B on her report card, so she's doing well in school but there have been occasions where she didn't turn in homework because she "forgot" about the assignment or didn't realize it was due that day. 

I purchased a few of those tiny notepads with the spiral thing at the top and she's been reluctantly using one of them but I have to ask her every single day to write it down.  I wonder if I should let it go...am I fretting about something unnecessarily? 

How do other people's kids track their homework?  Or do they even do that?

This is the perfect example of a manageable challenge that your teen needs to master herself to help her to prepare for life on her own one day. Let it go and look at it as an opportunity for her to develop some organization skills of her own. She is clearly doing pretty well! She is 14 and should be responsible for all her own homework. I don't even think you should ask about it. Instead, think about the fact that she will go to college in 4 years!! Keep focused on making your relationship good and strong. Be the support she needs, keep the communication open, give her unconditional love. Don't nag about homework. 

Both my kids struggled with this to varying degrees (we're almost done with high school fortunately), and it was quite frustrating as a parent because I would see what could have been an A turn into a B because of not turning in HW. We're in SF so systems may be different but all the HW assiignments should be listed on line, however not all teachers are good about that. Also if they write the HW on the whiteboard a lot of teachers nowadays allow the kids to take out their phones at the end of class and photograph this although why this is better than writing it in your notebook is beyond me. Taking notes is a super important skill for high school and college that may be hampered by excessive orientation to devices. But the bottom line is, when your kid develops her own motivation to do her best in school, she will get it.

This sounds frustrating for you, I'm sorry.

If your school has an online grade book, most high schools do, this can be an excellent tool for tracking assignments.  Caution: avoid obsessing - use for a once a week check in at most, let your teen manage it day to day. Many high schools also hand out paper planners at the beginning of the year (a little late for that this year, but keep in mind for next). There are also a number of mobile phone apps for tracking assignments which your teen may be more willing to use than a paper planner or notebook.

High school is the time for teens to take responsibility for themselves and gain increasingly more independence.  It's common for even the strongest students to miss or forget assignments occasionally.  I high recommend not getting into a power struggle over this.  It make take your daughter seeing the consequences of her decisions to change.  I say this having two high schoolers - one highly independent, organized, and motivated; the other the complete opposite with ADHD to boot.  After years of scaffolding the challenging one, he became resistant. I backed off, his grades dropped dramatically.  Ours is a far end of the spectrum situation, and resulted in move to a better fit school when my teen now accepts the support of an academic coach for these types of things.  If done lovingly but firmly, most teens will learn from consequences experienced from the real world (school and dropping grades), much better than from parents (home and nagging and/or "consequences").

I highly recommend  "The Blessings of a B-".

Take a deep breath. Your role is now to counsel (not manage) your teen.  Good luck.

I think you should let it go. Your daughter has great grades so she is obviously doing fine. Freshman year is a big transition and this is how she learns, by making mistakes. Your daily reminders are stressing her out. My daughter is also a freshman and I never check her assignments or grades before they are final, which are all online for me to see if I want to.  Y'all are doing great!

Hi, there. I don't know how your daughter's school approaches this, but in Berkeley each student is provided with planner at the beginning of the school year, starting in middle school. They have all the school holidays printed in, are laid out for the week, with a section on each day for each period, plus handy tables, contact information, and student artwork. At Berkeley High, parent donations (via BHS Development Group) pay for every student to get a planner. By the time high school rolls around, a planner is a necessary item these days. If the school doesn't provide one, I would buy one for her, and I would approach your school's PTA and other leadership to discuss how important this is for student success. I hope this helps!

My son was terrible about this - he either wanted to rely on his memory (maybe) or (I think more likely) he wanted to forget about the assignment because he didn't want to do it.  Unlike your daughter, he had Bs and Cs because he would also forget about tests.  I looked up his homework online every day and bugged him about it, for a long time, which I now regret doing because I think it hampered rather than helped his development of skills in this area.  After a year of managing everything on his own at college, he is now MUCH better about remembering and managing deadlines. He still doesn't really like to write stuff down, though.  Maybe suggest that she send herself a text message at the end of class with the assignment? Somehow using one's phone is more palatable to a teen. They seem to hate paper a LOT. 

My 8th grader reluctantly writes down some of his assignments in a planner that pretty much everyone in the school has (school sold them for $8 at the start of the year). Teachers are good about telling kids to write down assignments though it still doesn't always take. When he forgets to turn in an assignment and then gets an 80% instead of 100%, I talk to him about how sad it is that he missed out on all those easy points because he forgot to turn in the assignment on time. It seems to be slowly helping the forgetting. I'm not sure he'll ever remember to write down most of his assignments. I'm okay with it because he generally doesn't forget to do his assignments, just occasionally forgets to turn them in.

Honestly, if I want compliance on something, the only way I know I will get it is if I tell him I will take away his phone if he doesn't do it. If your daughter were my child and I really wanted to make sure she were writing down all her assignments, I would check her notebook every night and if she didn't write down her assignments or turned in something late, I would take away her phone for 24 hours. It doesn't seem like this rises to the level of her needing to do that though since she is doing relatively well in school.

My daughter, high school senior, has used a weekly planner notebook since 7th grade. In her public middle school the weekly planner system was required and each teacher would check to make sure the students were writing down each assignment and due date. This fortunately got my daughter in excellent planning habits. I recommend trying this out to see if it helps.

I sympathize! My kid has never used the BUSD-provided tracking calendar, even in middle school when his teachers actively encouraged the habit. He's a junior now at BHS, and still way off in organizational skills, but is very slowly improving. He has a tutor, Kevin Arnold https://www.berkeleyparentsnetwork.org/recommend/org/kevin-arnold , who has worked with him for a couple of years on both writing and organization. He's been a good support system, but it's been slow, as my son is pretty resistant to change. I agree with a few earlier posters that constantly nagging your kid can easily end badly, especially if they are [as mine is] not at all interested in parental 'advice'. We've tried having him take a picture of whiteboards, asking teachers to send weekly assignments via email, special 'turn-in' folders, sitting at the front of the class... all without much success. Our system now is that when he has a certain number of missing or zero point assignments that are detrimental to his overall grade in the class, and the grade is still down after 2 weeks, he loses internet access until the assignments are taken care of or the grade improves. So far, it's worked better than anything else we've tried. We don't argue about it as much [it can be really hard for me to stay quiet about stuff!], and he seems to recognize that he is responsible for getting his online access back. He has talked with his teachers about his problems with losing and forgetting assignments, and all but one allow him to turn things in a little late. And I'm not super strict about it; if he puts in a great effort on something and it shows, I'll turn the router back on for a bit. I think he needs to see that even small steps in the right direction help a lot. Good luck. 

It's been many years since my daughters were at Berkeley High, but one of the tools they used (just prior to the advent of a google or outlook calendar) was the Organizer, a date-book, spiral bound paper planner where they could write their assignments, deadlines, notes, etc. It is a habit that stays with them to this day, despite their hot phones. OK, there were social notes, TV and movie lists, and non-school activities, but colored pencils, stickers and highlighters enlivened the entries. The Organizer was distributed to each student and it was a common habit for many students. Their book, their responsibility, their habit. And if they failed to meet a deadline or turn in an assignment, their failure. I think the teachers were in on the gig too - reminding students to write it down. High school is the time for students to get with the program, develop the habit. Gosh, I've used that word four times!

Ask her what would help her keeping track of homework.  Maybe a notepad is not the best tool for her, I hated those myself.  She might prefer a calendar planner or an app.  There are some amazing apps now that link to a program on your desktop and to your calendar.  If she has a smartphone and uses its calendar function it should be pretty seamless to incorporate school assignment into it.  It is great skill to develop for college too.  I would not do the monitoring for her but get her the tools that work for her to help her keep track of them herself.  

We have the exact same struggles with our son who is a 9th grader as well.

I know that he has aptitude for being organized based on how he approached his work in elementary school up thru 6th or early 7th grade, but it has been downhill since then culminating in many missing HW assignments and a project by the end of 8th grade.  His middle school really emphasized the use of daily planners so we let him try to figure out how best to use it to keep himself organized for most of those years.  But after so many missing assignments in 8th grade, we instituted a no-tolerance policy for missing HW's in 9th grade by the end of a grading period, or there would be serious consequences.  

My husband and I have always emphasized best efforts, and not grades, but that is so subjective and hard to judge.  But, I explained, one clear indication of best effort is 100% success rate with take home assignments.  At a minimum, he needs to keep track of and do those assignments.  Fortunately (for all of us), he got the message and figured out how to stay on top of most due dates, largely in his head -- while there were a few hustles to work out a missing assignment here and there with his teachers (and a missed orthodontic appointment!), he has managed to keep his official HW record in perfect order.

One last thing I'd say about pushing him to use a planner -- he has a full extracurricular life with sports and music but I've told him that I believe that he could use help not just with keeping everything organized on a daily basis but with being able to plan ahead for quizzes, tests or other major assignments.  He did very poorly on a test recently because he had only started studying the night before.  So with 3+ weeks left for school, we are now requiring him to pick any calendar system and (with my initial help) use it to map out what he will need to do to prepare for all of the last quizzes, tests, projects and final exams.  He may not end up liking whatever system he chooses but he can start something new in 10th grade.  

Archived Q&A and Reviews

Homework loads for various high schools, need suggestions about 14 yr old who doesn't like to do homework, teenager lying about homework, getting my 15 yr old son to do his homework, 14-y-o spends hours on homework, not getting enough sleep, honors student can't stay focused on homework, parental control of homework, teen won't do boring homework.

I have been reading about the large amounts of homework that children are getting in school and wondering how much is assigned by different college prep schools. If you have a moment to write in with your experiences (if your child was doing college prep, as that is the case we are wondering about) that would be great. We are wondering about the schools listed below, in particular. And the specific question is how much homework is there on average, i.e. how much a night/week? I've been reading that even in the past 5-6 years that the amount of homework given has ramped up drastically, across the board, so experiences from the mid 2000's are probably not relevant. If you have compared any of these, even better! If there is one you really like that doesn't have much homework, it would be great to hear about it also (my question is for a child with many outside interests). looking ahead

Maybeck Sophomore Parent here -- in our experience, the homework load at Maybeck has been manageable. My daughter is bright and a diligent worker and generally manages to handle the work load without major drama. Every Maybeck student has a free period in their schedule, and she takes advantage of that time to get work done. She has a very heavy extracurricular schedule -- often at rehearsals for 3-4 hours every weeknight and all day Saturday, but she has become an excellent time manager and can get her work done without working all night. I hear the work load increases as the kids age, but so far so good. Maybeck Mom

My child just graduated from Lick-Wilmerding this year, and I can't say enough good things about the school. As for your specific question about homework load, I think that the school does a great job of providing a very rigorous academic environment and challenging classes without burning out the kids. One key is the block system. Classes meet every other day for longer periods. Teachers love this because they have more sustained teaching time with fewer transitions for getting to and from class, packing up books, collecting assignments, etc. My student liked it because on any given day there were only 3-4 classes where homework or tests were due. He got excellent grades, played sports and took a very challenging course load, but never did things like stay up past midnight on school nights.

We visited several high schools and Lick really stood out as a place where they value learning as opposed to achievement. One school in particular seemed all about their stats: how many kids scored 5s on the AP tests, how many got into Ivies. Bleah. Lick is where they talk about what the kids can do when they graduate: write a 5-page paper in Spanish on the Cuban embargo, make a table, conduct high-level physics experiments and explain them. Some kids are burned out by the time they get to college. Lick kids are fired up and ready to go. Lick Parent

I had two kids go through College Prep (one graduated in 2009, one in 2013). Neither found the homework load crushing. The older kid was not super engaged and did the minimum to get Bs. The younger one was completely engaged, loved the academic environment, and did much more work. But he is pretty sharp and was efficient -- e.g., he always finished his math homework in the time the teachers gave to start homework in class, and he is a very fast reader so he could whip through reading. With that, he estimates he did 1.5-2 hours/night -- more when projects or papers were due. That is probably on the low side. He says some of his friends put in 3+ hours/night.

A lot depends on what style student you have. College Prep kids are all really smart, but even among them there are kids who can whip through stuff that comes harder to others. If your student is a grinder, who spends a lot of time to master material and get tasks finished, the homework load may be very heavy. If your student is efficient and masters new material easily, it's not bad at all. Mom of Big Guys

I am a single mom with a very intelligent 14 year old daughter with ADD who doesn't like to do homework. She is talented in so many ways - beautiful voice, spectacular athlete, very mature socially, recognized as being intelligent and capable of very good grades, and beautiful. However, every semester starts the same way. She begins the semester working diligently. By the third week, she decides that homework is not necessary. She then lies to me and says that she is doing her homework and turning it in when she is not. Finally, after numerous confrontations, I put on the brakes and curtail social activities and Facebook. She begins working and gets on the honor roll by skin of her teeth. As she will be entering 9th grade, I need to put an end to this self-defeating, high maintenance behavior. It is wearing me out. Any suggestions short of expensive therapy are welcome.

I, too, had a homework-hating ADDish kid a few years ago. One thing that helped was hiring a ''homework helper'' -- a slightly older high school girl who came to our house two or three days a week for a couple of hours. They would sit down together, get organized, and actually get some work done. It's much much cheaper than tutoring -- I think I paid $10/hour. My daughter didn't really need tutoring, she just needed someone to keep her focussed and motivated. It also lifts the pressure off the parent -- you can stay out of it. If your daughter says she doesn't have any homework, well she and her ''helper'' can sit together and review, or read ahead, or just chat. The point is to have the structure, which then becomes routine. Once the routine becomes habit, the kid can become her own Helper. No more homework wars!

I know I'm not the only one out here dealing with this, but I am at such a loss I would love to hear from you and know how others handle it. My nephew moved in with me in Jan, and we just moved to Berkeley, where he now attends BHS. He is a smart kid, but is a terrible student by virtue of just blowing off homework or failing to turn things in. We have talked about it, I've helped him, gotten him help, sought out the counselor, emailed all his teachers. But the bottom line is, as soon as I stop policing him, he stops working and just lies that he has done the work and doesn't need help. I love him, want to see him do well, and need him to understand that you can't just float through life. School/homework is his job right now, and he needs to do it! This is about personal responsibility, and fairness to those around you who are working hard to support you.

He lives with me because him mom (my sister) died when he was 8, and he wants to know his blood family better now that he is older. He came to live with us at my invitation. I am a single mom with a younger child, so I am not primed for dealing with teenager issues. Because of geographic distance, I've had nothing to do with raising him for the past 8 years, saw him only during the summers. So I'm stepping in late and trying to redirect him. His guardian did not support him academically, or discipline him much at all. I know that his hatred of school has to do with losing his mom and having to go back to school immediately, but beyond identifying this and trying to address it I can't do that grief work for him. He's not ready to do it. The fact remains that he has two years left of school, and needs to get through them. The bigger picture though is becoming responsible for himself, not relying on others to take care of him or bail him out.

I have tried to avoid punitive measures, because I don't find them to be effective. However, the x-box was gone weeks ago, the laptop is mine as of this morning. The phone is next. I'm out of ideas and don't have much of a support network here myself. Any feedback would be appreciated. out of ideas

Oof, I feel for you. We became surprise foster parents to a 13-year-old last year. He has a lot of behavioral issues and after an extensive psychological eval, has been diagnosed with PTSD, grief and depression. We learned rapidly, as you did, that he wasn't doing his homework, or wasn't doing it well, and that it was very hard to motivate him. Like a lot of kids who have been neglected and abused, he didn't care about anything, so threats to take away his new computer were met with sullen ''okay, do it'' answers.

Your nephew might not think he can skate through--he may not have the skills, he may have learning issues, he may be too depressed or too grieving to function. It's hard to know what's really going on in his head, isn't it?

So what can you provide? Rules, consistency, structure. A few ideas based on what eventually worked for us:

* Find something that's an incentive. For us, it's online video game time. We set a weekly limit, and subtract or add time as a reward for good behavior. When you find it, work it.

* Expect to be on the homework permanently. Consider getting after-school tutors for M-Th--we scheduled ours for 1-2 hours per afternoon. We used a county-provided tutor, a relative, and a friend to cover 4 days/week. The burden of homework arguing then shifts to the tutors' shoulders--and your nephew will probably behave better for them. Set up whatever systems you can with the teachers so that you know his standing at all times and what assignments are coming up. If you know there's an essay due on Friday, there's less to discuss.

* Try to stick with the natural consequences attitude. ''Oh dear, you didn't do your essay this week and it's due Monday, so you have to stay in this weekend and do it. That's too bad. Maybe next time you can plan differently.''

* If behavior is a problem, try small consequences. We finally started using 1-2-3 magic practices (good for our 4-year-old) on our teen. ''Okay, I asked you to stop doing that. That's 1. You're still doing it, that's 2. Okay, you did it again, that's 3, take a time-out in your room.'' Better than taking away large items, grounding him off the computer for the day, etc. this is way harder than we expected, too

* Emphasize your house, your rules. Phrase things positively: ''in our house, we take care of our responsibilities, which includes homework.'' Don't get into a lot of arguments about it. If he persists, say you're done talking about it and walk away. Use 1-2-3 if he continues.

* Get a therapist for him. I hope there's some funding for this, perhaps from the guardian. Look for a good one (our first one was useless) who specializes in your nephew's issues. You can make going to therapy a requirement of living with you.

* If there's funding, consider psychological testing to clarify what's going on with him. They can test for learning disabilities, strengths, grief, etc.

Your love and attention can be a powerful incentive for him to do better. You must matter to him or he wouldn't ask to live with you. Use that as leverage. You will live up to his expectations (be loving, kind, maternal, safe) but he must live up to yours (taking care of his responsibilities, trying hard, etc.).

This is worth it. It's only two more years. Hang in there. And ask the moderator for my email if you'd like to chat. this is way harder than we expected, too

You might consider seeing attachment therapist Virginia Keeler-Wolf (510-339-9363). Even a few sessions might help with perspective on how to address this time period with your nephew. We have very similar issues with our adopted daughter and find Virginia's assistance invaluable. Sounds like you are on the right track. parent of 15 year old

I battle the same problem with my high school freshman, and am stressed constantly by the need to be so vigilant. I'm also a single mom with a couple of other demands on my time:) One thing that has been working is that there is a requirement that my son spend one hour a day EVERY day (weekends included) on study. If there is homework to do-- that's what gets done. If not, then surely there is some reading, vocab review, work on a long-term assignment...The idea is that there is no way out of that hour, so he might as well put it to good use. Helen

I'm not a psychologist, but I think you both need to get to a counselor, together would be best, and open up the communication lines. He's on a different wavelength than you, that's obvious. He would be under normal circumstances, solely because of his being a teen-age boy, but there's all this other, unfortunate background life history of his that has created what you are now dealing with. You are a saint to take him in and invest so much emotional effort to help him out -- maybe when he's 50, he'll understand and appreciate that. In the meantime, he's got a lot of problems through no fault of his own. I say you should bring his favorite pizza home for dinner, then after he's had some, explain (again, I'm sure) that you love him and want to help him, and are just as frustrated as him, and would he agree to go with you to a counselor or someone trained to deal with these situations, because you feel you both need a fresh approach. You took on a lot and I salute you. Good luck. Wishing your nephew the best in life

From my experience as a parent and teacher, I think many teens do need an adult to help them keep track of all the assignments. They look all grown up but they don't think like adults. Either you can sit down with your nephew for an hour or so a day and help him keep it organized, and do some of the homework; or you can hire a tutor. Taking things away is unlikely to lead to homework completion; instead consistent monitoring leads to finishing homework. If his guardian hasn't been helping him academically all along, you could think of him as having the homework habits of a much younger child, and needing an adult to help him learn to structure work completion. In the long run you will have done him a great service if you can put in the time, or hire someone to put in the time with him. I do my own paperwork alongside my teen, not a a punitive thing, but just to help us both get done what needs to get done. It actually turns into reasonably good time together, and I hear about my teen's day and classes. a teacher

Does anyone have advice on how to get my son to do his homework? School has barely started and he is already failing every class due to not doing the home work and/or class work. He likes his school and has a good attitude most of the time. However, he stays up late and is difficult to get up in the am in order to get to school. Then I find out that he is only doing a fraction of the assignments. All he wants to do is skateboard, eat, text and go on facebook. Suggestions??

We had a similar issue with our daughter. The problem was too many distractions and too much texting. Our solution has been to talk to her about it, and about how her grades had declined. That she had to take things more seriously. That her grades had fallen and needed to rise back up.

We also cut down on the number of scheduled, and un-scheduled, activities she had. This included things like gymnastics and ''study dates'' which turned out to not be that at all.

We enforced. Phone calls, texting does not happen until homework done and checked.

Fourth, more involvement in her homework.

All of the above involved nagging and only a percent of it helped, and at first, much of it was resented. Overall, it has and has re- instilled the importance of this. And she is getting better feedback from teachers and from us. sam

I would cut out the activities that are wasting time like texting and Facebook. I can't think of a good reason why a teenager needs a Facebook account. Get him a dumb phone that doesn't do texting. Or just take away his phone until his grades are up.

I would say no skateboarding or other extraneous activities unless his grades are up.

I would arrange a conference with his teachers and ask them for advice.

Here is a book we've used: ''Teen-Proofing Fostering Responsible Decision Making in Your Teenager'' by John Rosemond

Here is the amazon listing: http://www.amazon.com/Teen-Proofing-Fostering-Responsible-Decision-Teenager/dp/0740710214

Some quotes:

''Short of solitary confinement, you can't guarantee that a teen won't use drugs, shoplift, drink or crash the car. In the final analysis, teens must protect themselves.''

''He offers a compelling alternative by urging parents to be 'mentors, who realize they can control the parent-child relationship, but not the child.'''

That is so true. You can only really control the parent-child relationship with a teenager. Read through the comments from parents on Amazon. They are very interesting. Ultimately it is up to him to do it. Good Luck. Parent of Teens

Teens can have a really hard time managing the distractions that are constantly available to them. It helped our son to take the distractions away so that he could focus on his work.

Our rule at home is that you can't do the fun stuff (text, Facebook, video games) until your homework is done. We installed SafeEyes, a computer program that blocks access to the internet. Parents can control which sites are allowed or prohibited. We won't turn on Facebook and youtube until the homework is done. If texting is abused, then ask him to turn over his phone until homework is done.

This approach has worked well with our teen, who is now a senior and has really learned how to get his work done without supervision from his parents. We don't need to manage his internet access and phone any longer. Good luck. Anon

I have a 15-year old son too. I put a filter on his computer. I know it is harsh but I used k-9 which is free and as long as he can't get onto your email it should work (you can always set up a separate yahoo email acct for it). You can ban Facebook and whatever else you want (I ban porno). My son asked me to ban utube videos as he was getting distracted by them. Have him sit where you can see him and take away the phone until the homework is done. I don't know what school he goes to but if the homework is posted online, then look at it every day, if not, get in touch with the teachers and find out how often they give homework and what you can do. Don't listen to him when he says he doesn't have any if they say he is supposed to. You have to be a little harsh. You could even take away the cell until his grades come up. If you want to talk to me abut it you can email me. kr

Skateboarding, texting, and facebook are privileges. Have your son show you his HW before he does any of it. If you work and get home too late for him to skateboard, he can do it on the weekend (provided he did his HW). You need to set priorities and decide what is important. YOU are the parent

Wow, I don't want to sound like John Rosemund, but the solution to this one seems obvious, if painful to me: take away the phone and the computer until he is getting whatever you deem the minimum GPA to be. And I hope you have made it clear that he better have some sort of life plan for after he finishes high school other than camping out on your couch for the rest of his life. don't be afraid to be tough

How about trying this: - get home ealrier in the afternoon, so you can help him get started on his homework. - have a set of rules: Can't do facebook, text or skateboard until homework is done. - must show you what homework is due the next day and what longer term assignments he has. - Set up consequences: If homework isn't kept up with, then computer, phone and/or skateboard will be taken away for ''x'' days - If he gives you a hard time about it, then computer, phone or skateboard will be taken away for the rest of the evening. - no texting, computer, etc after ''x'' time at night - 9 pm? - on school nights. - set up the computer so that you can keep an eye on his use (walk by and be able to see screen), and be able to have it turned off by ''x'' hour on schoolnights. - If he gives you a hard time about leaving the hosue for school by time ''x'' then there will be similar consequences. (but if he skates to school, you probably don't want thim to not have his board. - see if there is a place afterschool where he can get tutoring and homework help as he may be newly challenged with this year's work. - hang in there and get his pattern changed now. - good luck. anon mom

Your letter sounds like many of the letters I receive. Has your son ever been evaluated for Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (Primary Inattentive Type)? If you're interested, just drop me a line at michael [at] practicalhelpforparents.com and I'll send you the latest Practical Parent newsletter which covers this topic and behavior similar to what your son is demonstrating. Many thanks! Michael

We took a whole different approach with our extremely bright, ADHD, ''quirky'' son. He was miserable in high school, thought his classes were a waste of time, didn't see the point of homework. . . He took the CHSPE, got the equivalent of a high school diploma, and is happy now taking classes that he finds meaningful at a community college. Hard as it is to go against popular advise, we decided that for him, trust was more important than sanctions. He says taking away his computer and phone wouldn't have accomplished anything anyway. He'd read more books and we would not be able to contact him. Now, unlike last year when he was in high school, he is happy to spend time with us, both at home and going out. We let him be him and it's working for us. Relieved mom of a happy teen

Homework and Bedtime Help: Problem 1: My 14-year-old, 9th grade son, wastes countless HOURS on his homework every day! He often doesn\x92t understand the work, but usually won\x92t ask me for help or let me help him. Even when he accepts help, he isn\x92t attentive or assertive enough to get it done in a timely manner. Problem 2: He also takes an hour or more to get ready for bed, which occurs whether or not he has been doing homework or another activity. My son is chronically exhausted from getting minimal sleep and is exhausted every day in class. (I\x92m exhausted too, but whatever.) Problem 3: My son can\x92t get up or get ready for school on time and is tardy for school EVERY day (and getting later every week). The school administration is very concerned about his fatigue, study habits, grades, and attendance, as am I. My son\x92s grades are far from what they need to be (2 D\x92s). He has an IEP, but it was recently determined that he doesn\x92t have a learning disability anymore). I used to think that my son had ADD, but have decided that it is probably more just a lack of interest and motivation in academics (and life in general outside of electronics), social anxiety and passive aggressive stuff. These are chronic, lifelong problems. I have tried countless measures, both positive and negative, but NOTHING has ever worked. Please share any and all solutions and ideas!! amy

You might try hiring a ''homework helper'' to come to your house and sit with your son a few times a week while he does homework. It's not exactly tutoring, more like coaching, encouraging and supervising. I did this with my daughter for a while, she is borderline ADD and profoundly uninterested in academics. We hired an older high school kid (Albany H.S. has a list of available tutors) and it helped for a while. As for the fatigue, tardiness, etc. you might approach it the way you would with a young child with sleep issues -- soothing bedtime rituals, a regular routine, maybe even rewards for going to bed on time? anon

That sounds really hard, and the subject resonates with me because I have a teen son who also takes a long time to do his homework, get ready for bed, and get ready for school. Here are some of the ways that I have dealt with it. First, he has a firm bedtime of 10:00 on school nights. I believe strongly that sleep is important to teens' ability to deal with school and life, and I want to make sure he gets enough. If he knows that his lights have to be off at 10, then he can't waste as much time on homework and getting ready for bed.

The fact that your son is late for school every morning means that this is an option for him. My son would be late, too, except that I have to get out the door to work and take him to the bus. I can't be late, so he can't be late. It's not an option. You need to find a way to not make it optional to show up to school on time.

The homework issue is harder. It seems as though he is having a hard time budgeting his time and figuring out how to use it well. He might be overwhelmed by his workload, and so avoids it by wasting time. Try working with him to make goals during the evening: by 7:00, you'll finish your math; by 8:00 you'll finish your science assignment. Make sure he takes real breaks in between accomplishments, so that the work doesn't feel like an undifferentiated mass.

Your son needs you to set some limits for him, so that he can learn to set those limits for himself in the future. A tired kid who has the school on his back for tardiness isn't going to be able to figure this out for himself. Good luck! Been There, Still There

I could have written your post two years ago, when my son (now 13) was in 6th grade. It would take him hours to do his homework, he could not organize anything (much less himself), and getting him out the door was a struggle. He started feeling like he was a failure, and defensively shut us out. We were very anti-med, but were no longer willing to let our philosophical/political view keep our kid from a possible benefit. So we tried ADD meds (Focalin). It was nothing short of magic. Within days, he had executive function. He was on top of his work, got homework done quickly and well, remembered to put things in his backpack. He went from Cs to straight As. He felt more confident socially. One side effect is some difficulty getting to sleep, and mornings are still a challenge because he has not yet taken his meds. But it has been an unmitigated success, and we just regret we did not try sooner. Your son may not respond as ours did, but if it helps, you will know right away. Doubter no more

You don't say what your son's learning disability was...but it sounds as though he is still suffering from something that impedes his output. In my experience, most kids succeed in school if they can. There's little payoff in the kinds of behaviors you're describing. Has your child been evaluated for ADHD? His problems are consistent with the problems kids with ADHD Inattentive Type often experience. I suggest that you visit the website chadd.org to obtain more information. Linda

We've gone through this too, and it ended up being a sleep disorder. My son sleeps poorly, it takes him a long time to settle in, and we too were late every day -- sometimes as much as an hour late, which made me want to pull out all my hair because I was always late too. What we finally did (and it's extreme) is cancel his first class of the day on the advice of his psychiatrist. He does better when he gets that extra sleep and the shorter schedule eases strain all around. We're going to try and make classes up in summer school. Sometimes I think we push our teens to accept a schedule that is unreasonable for their physiology. Maybe not just teens but all of us need more sleep??? Ann

October 2006

Do we need some kind of executive skills tutor or other help? My daughter began High School this fall and is not completing her homework and turning it in on time. She tested into 4 honors courses so there is MORE homework assigned now than she had in Middle School. She is very bright but has difficulty with some of what I have recently heard called ''executive skills'', like the ability to break projects down into the necessary sub-parts and then complete each of these and then rebuild it into the final project.

Because of the recent phone calls from a couple of her teachers that she is not turning her homework in on time (this school will not accept late homework after 2 days, period) I made it my business over the weekend (she worked both Sat. & Sun to complete one project that should not have exceeded 2 - 3 hours IMHO) to closely observe her and this is what I saw... she cannot seem to stay focused on the project or homework at hand. She becomes distracted by: myspace, e-mail, computer solitare, etc., anything except doing the homework(!) The homework does not appear to be too hard... just too hard to stay focused and get it done!! Her procrastination is really starting to frustrate me and my husband as well as her grades are going to seriously be impacted by her not getting the homework in on time. Other parents please advise me.. is she just lazy or is there something else going on here? She seems to have very high expectations for herself and says she wants to go to a top college but if she does not start to get it together and find the skills to stay focused and complete her homework in a timely manner, I fear for her future Homework Nightmare

The answer to helping your teen focus on homework is simply to unplug the internet. Our bright child ran into problems last year completing homework and turning it in on time. During a candid conversation she told us that the distraction from the internet was the reason she was unable to complete her work and that we needed to ''unplug her''.

The results have been remarkable. With limited internet access her grades have improved to normal and she is back on track. If she needs internet access for a project she asks for the internet cord and then returns it when done. (Sometimes I have to retrieve it and remind her it was her idea).

Try it and I think you will be amazed at the difference. Possibly it can be returned when her homework is completed. Good Luck! Unplugged in Walnut Creek

Your message sounded so familiar! My son is also a high school freshman, with similar organizational challenges. I have two bits of advice for you. First of all, consider having your daughter assessed for an undiagnosed learning disability. My son is very bright, and always earned good grades (mainly A's, a few B's). It was only when he enrolled in a very demanding middle school program that some significant organizational challenges emerged. His teachers suggested an assessment, and we found out that he does have executive function deficit. It is related to his processing speed and working memory. He has a very high IQ, and we would never have suspected that he had any kind of disability had we not had him tested. Often, really bright kids with subtle disabilities can compensate without realizing it, and do well in school. They may not even realize that they are working harder than they should be. These kids are often diagnosed in high school or even college, when increased demands make compensating impossible. Secondly, my son has benefited enormously from the programs at Student Organizational Services (www.SOS4Students.com). They are located in Walnut Creek, but work with students from all over the Bay Area. My son took ''Nailing Ninth Grade'', a fantastic 2-day summer workshop designed to help kids prepare organizationally for high school. SOS has many other programs, and also offers one-on-one coaching, and study space consultations (where someone comes to your home and evaluates the student's study area). The coaching service is very popular, and has a long waiting list. The workshops fill quickly as well. The SOS staff is hip and great with teens, plus they know their stuff. They have fabulous ideas for kids and parents about organization and time management. I can't recommend them highly enough! Good luck Another Ninth Grade Mom

You were wise to observe your daughter. The behavior that you describe sounds like pretty classic ADHD, which is often overlooked in girls until high school. If this wasn't what you were hoping to hear, join the club. I resisted the idea that my son had it, until he started to falter in school. I would suggest that you make an appointment with Dr. Brad Berman who is an excellent behaviorial pediatrician. Jocelyn

We went through this too. I was convinced it was just laziness on my son's part but that ended up not being the case. We had him evaluated (we paid for it -- about $5,000 but I've since found out you may request that your school evaluate your daughter and many public schools will do this free of charge) and discovered my son had a learning disability that affected his concentration as well as his organizational skills. We're still working on this with him, but it's helped him -- and us -- to understand that he's not being willful but is sincerely unable to focus on tasks without some guidance. I would pursue getting an evaluation and see if that brings anything new to light. Best of luck to you! Mom in Same Boat

I feel for you -- we spent last year in homework hell with our bright 7th grade son. The calls from teachers about unturned in homework, all of it. We got frustrated, thought he was lazy, but soon realized there was more to it. For one thing, he was starting to get depressed about his poor performance and the negative feedback. We decided to do some learning disabilities testing. That took a long time, from deciding to learn more about this last April or so, to having gotten some results last week.

But I'm very glad we did. Most of the people I talked with along the way thought he sounded like he had ''executive function disorder,'' the kind of inability to break projects into bite size pieces and organize time and paper that you describe.

The people at Children's Hospital who did the testing were wonderful throughout and spent over an hour explaining the results in detail, and they clearly had gotten to know and understand our individual child very well. In his case, the results did not show Executive function disorder, but rather ''ADHD without the H.'' Which really does fit, a daydreamer sort, distracted not by external things but by stuff from his own mind.

We are not sure yet what the next step is, we are both resistant to medicating, but feel like already this has been a huge help. The docs at Children's met separately with him, and explained it all, emphasizing the areas where he scored really well. Be aware, this took more time and cost more money than we first imagined. But it was so helpful. One thing all the professionals emphasized, which really echoed my gut, is that kids want to do well, the don't just blow stuff off in most situations. They are not lazy anon mom

Our son sounds very similar to your daughter. Very bright, easily distracted....homework is the last thing he wants to do. Makes everyone anxious, makes me hover over him. Not good. It takes him 3-4 times as long to complete projects and assignments as it ''should''. We've recently had him tested, he's 16 and received a mild ADHD diagnosis, so we are going to try to get support and accomodations from his school. We often try new techniques at home...rewards for timely completion etc. If there is something your daughter loves to do (a sport/instrument/etc) you might be successful in using that as the carrot. It often works for us. Fortunately my son has many passions, so getting school work done so that he can go to a lacrosse game motivates him. I recommend you have her tested privately. Best of luck been there

I am both a parent of a child who had great difficulty with focus (coupled with high intelligence and ambition) and a professional educational therapist. I suggest that you eliminate all the distractions to see if your daughter still has trouble with focus. I think there is a mistaken notion floating around among young people that you OUGHT to engage in all these activities simultaneously and that there is something wrong with a quiet, calm environment. It is difficult for anyone to be productive when her attention is being constantly diverted and concentration is fragmented. Try an experiment: track how long she spends and how much homework is accomplished in an environment that supports concentration. Delete the solitaire, lock out the My Space, put the phone away, shut off the TV, put some classical music on the stereo and turn on a timer for one hour segments of time. Go over the assignments with her at the beginning and end of the homework period to make sure she understands and completes the work. If you try this for a while and your daughter still can't get her homework done, you might want to evaluate for AD/HD. That's what my kid had, and thanks to prompt intervention, she has been a successful student whose self-esteem was restored with the knowledge that she wasn't lazy or dumb. We found the strategies and structure that she needed to be very productive and is thriving in college (though she still needs the strategies and the structure) Linda

My daughter has been working on this same issue for the last couple of years. she seems to have it under control but can spend way too much time sitting at the table supposedly studying/doing homework - like most of her weekends. She also gets distracted by the computer - which she started out using to listen to music but was easily drawn into watching video clips. We talked to her about what she was doing all that time sitting at the table and she realized that she was spending a lot of time pulling up the music she wanted and then getting distracted. She's very self motivated and doesn't like to get behind in her school work = so we didn't have to push her. She realized herself that the computer was distracting her and she wanted to do other things besides sit at the table ''working''. She now leaves the computer off while she's doing her homework. Another trick I've tried is turning on background instrumental music for her (we're currently using George Winston's CD ''forest''). This was something I started doing in college. You just need to get the right kind of music - instrumental jazz and classical work pretty well. We also try to set times for the assignments - although she sometimes goes over time it makes her aware of the time. Laurie

Our high school-age son has the same focus problems. He was diagnosed with ''executive ordering'' problems when he was 9. It was easier to get him to focus on his work when he was younger because we could sit with him and re-direct him. Now that he is in his teens our son is very resistant to any help from us. He didn't need a tutor, so it was hard to figure out what would work. We were advised to hire a ''hip'' young college student to be a mentor. My son interviewed the applicants along with us and really like the young man we hired. 2-3 nights a week they went through my son's backpack , checked his calendar,and wrote out a work-schedule before doing their homework together for a few hours. The guy that we hired functioned as both (for lack of a better word) a ''re-focusser'' and a role model. He was a really wonderful addition to our family. (and took a lot of pressure off us!) Maybe a young woman undergraduate that your daughter connects with might work. Been There

Dear Homework Nightmare;

Here are four thoughts.

First, my 12th-grade daughter, who had a year or two of homework issues, and she had the following to say in response to your post.

''Get her into an extraccuricular activity which sucks up most of her day or week. She'll shape up naturally because she doesn't have all the extra time to fool around, and she'll be more motivated because she'll be with other kids and the peer pressure is definintely felt. sports and club kids get some of the best grades anyway because they are generally happier, and this makes them more responsible, because they feel like they actually have an impact on whats going on in their lives.''

Second, testing into four honors courses and taking them may be a bit too much. Talk to the counselor about cutting back. With so much homework, she may not know where to start. Also, the ninth-grade is such a variable year for most kids that this is not a disasterous harbinger of things to come. You may just need course correction, no pun intended.

Third, your daughter may need help. May I recommend Maggie Jacobberger, out in Lafayette. (925-878-5202, and Maggie[at]ivyenrichment.com, www.ivyenrichment.com) If not a convenient location, then she may be able to recommend someone else.

Fourth, there are how-to-study books, and I am an expert in how these do not work, if your kid really doesn't want to use an improvement method. (I am batting zero for three!) Anyway, I've read several, but not all. The best one I found was ''Study Power,'' by William R. Luckie and Wood Smethurst. It's origin is a program at Harvard to get bright students who are failing to overcome study habit problems and succeed. Luckie and Smethurst moved to the Atlanta area and have been successful with their method. Like all such books, they say right at the beginning to not proceed if you really do not want to work at this. I did not listen, and put my kids through this and one other book. Both experiments were complete and total failures. Your mileage may vary.

Good luck, Nathan

My older daughter (17) can have the TV or radio on while she's doing her homework and, although I can't do that kind of stuff, she is perfectly capable of it. However, my younger daughter (soon to be 15) is not and it totally slows her down, but she insists that it isn't a problem. In addition, she gets really defiant). You can't tell me what to do!!!! Last night she had on the MTV music awards and then called her friend while she was doing her homework. I told her she needed to get off the phone. You can't tell me what to do. Oh, yes I can. Anyway, she was doing her homework from 8:30 - 10:30, after which she took her book and went to her room to read and stayed up until 11 or 11:15. My initial take on this matter is to make it really clear to her that she is to do her homework without the TV or phone and really establish with her that she is still a child and will do what I tell her to do (goddammit!). However, I was talking to a woman at work today who said that she's really old enough to suffer her own consequences and all we can do is to tell her that she's responsible for herself and her success or failure. It was an eye opener and I think I agree with her. However, of course, I'm concerned that Amber will not be able to succeed and that part of my job is to help her to establish good habits that will help her to succeed. At what point do you relinquish this kind of control? When do you allow them to make their own decisions? I don't know what to think. What do you think? Toby

I, too, had the same problem with my 14yr. old last year. The radio was always on when she was doing her homeword and she would talk on the phone or watch TV. I left her to her own devices, and she proved to herself that it just doesn't work. She failed English. Now she will have to make it up sometime before she graduates, which translates to an extra english class for one semester. It's just more work for her in the long run. But you know your own daughter. This may work for her and may not. My daughter has to learn her own lessons. I guess I'm lucky that she does learn. At 14, who's the boss? I told my daughter that she has to come home, do her homework ( without music, etc.) and then she can do whatever she wants, talk on the phone, watch TV and and listen to music all at the same time if she wants. END OF CONVERSATION! Anonymous

No matter how much your daughter doesn't want you interferring, stay with it. Maybe you can compromise -- part time with TV (on her easier subjects) and part time without on her more difficult subjects. Do the without TV, etc. 1st while she is still fresh.

What the other mother said is good in theory but it might set your daughter up for failure (especially since you know your daughter). When do you not control what they do -- when they go to college and you aren't there.

Hang in there. Your daughter is spirited and you wouldn't want it any other way. I think a compromise situation usually works best. You are respecting their opinion but you are also doing what feels right to you.

I have generally followed the consequences route with my two sons (one just graduated and one just starting BHS) but there are exceptions. The problem with consequences is that some of the possible consequences are too damaging. For a person early in HS the event of a few low grades may be sufficient to give them what my husband and I refer to as a reality dose. But later in HS when college issues are at hand, a failing grade may mean dashed hopes for the future, not getting into a school the young adult wants to get into.

An example of consequences that are too serious would be a young person who refuses to wear protective head gear while biking or roller-blading (it isn't cool). In which case, I've intervened by taking away the bicycle or blades until there was compliance. I will not have my son in a hospital with head injuries for the sake of natural consequences.

Regarding tv/radio/phone and homework perhaps you can work out a deal. If your daughter keeps her grades at a certain level then you will not interfere. If they go down you then could restrict the use of other distractions until they are up again. You have to be willing to seriously follow through however. How do you restrict TV if it is in your home and available? On this issue, unfortunately, once we had to buy a lock which fit on the electric cord and turned the power on or off with a key. When our sons came home from school the TV was on off and did not go on until homework was shown to be done. The fortunate side of this was, we did it when they were younger (in late grade school and middle school) and by HS they knew we were serious. If you tried it in HS it might just make your daughter furious. I think the prove it to me attitude would work better.

My sense is pressure ( control) can lighten up when things get done on a reasonable timetable ( not so late at night that the kid is exhausted and functioning poorly the next day) etc. I control phone time ( I pay the bills), lightening up when I feel a good faith effort is being made to follow through on responsibilities. We just shifted from a very relaxed middle school to a tighter high school. My daughter seems to be relieved by the tighter framework and is responding well to it. Having pondered this a lot I am now convinced more supervision ( if not control, exactly) is a good thing - my 14.5 yr old cannot yet handle all this on her own, doesnt have the self control, etc. She needs a lot of support - and that seems to mean my not controlling exactly but helping keep track of what needs to be done, tuning in a lot for status reports on how things are going, providing incentives if things get done on time for the ostensible bedtime of 10 pm. ( she doesn't always make it but the guideline is helpful, it keeps things for going too late or makes that more the exception than the rule). I would not allow tv or phone calls while homework is being done. If a call comes in while she's doing homework I take a message or, if she wants to take it - I try to show some flexibility but also let her know I am mindful of the time, what needs to be done, and that one cannot do two things at once. I'm sending this message because it has taken me a while to figure out that it is too soon to let them take all the consequences - seems to me.All feedback is welcome. suzanne

See also: School not Academically Challenging

My daughter is in the 8th grade at Albany Middle School and has developed a pattern of not doing all of hr homework in several subjects and when I find out, we struggle to get it all caught up in a flurry of activity. Some it she says she was not aware of (one teacher found she was reading a book most of the class) and others of it, she says she didn't realize there was another section to it, etc., etc. Mostly she claims lack of consciousness but when we had a serious talk recently she said that she isn't interested in doing the homework though she realizes her grades will be affected by this and she does care about her grades.

This pattern began last year when she had mono for two months and missed so much class it was almost impossible to catch up on everything. She took the tests and passed most of them with flying colors so I think she feels she doesn't need the homework. We're going around in circles and I don't have the energy or the will to carry a whip to MAKE her do her homework, partly because I'd have to check each day with her teachers to see what homework she has and I'm usually at work or in school at that time. One of her teachers and I have arranged to have the teacher sign off on my daughter's planner that she has in fact copied down all the homework given so that I can check it in the evening. Clearly, not getting the homework affects some of her skills in math and writing, although she can usually pass tests well and it will affect her grades (it sure did last year). I'm worried about how she's going to progress through high school and on to college.

This is not a problem during the summer when she takes ATDP classes. She got an A+ in high school Japanese. And yes, she's very bright and she's bored with homework she sees as uninspiring make-work. And of course she's a teenager now and her friends and their interactions and being a counselor to them all is much more satisfying that homework. A lot of other kids are having the same problem but that's no comfort. Anyway, I really don't know what to do. I'm sure others have encountered this problem before and I'd be happy to hear any solutions.

I hear from my son who is maintaining a 3.5 or better and tests very high on the yearly standard tests that homework is a joke for the most part . He does it somehow but I seldom see him do it at home. I assume he does it because his grades are not low, in fact they are rather high.

Here is my own personal bottom line. I have one son who just graduated BHS and the younger who is one year ahead of your daughter now in 9th grade. If you labor through homework, following up to see if it is done and checking it, ( I've known some who practically did it with their sons or daughters) you may well give her the message that school is for YOU not for her.

Instead, I have followed a line of initial and intentional neglect. That is, I won't micro manage homework. I am willing (especially in the earlier middle school and freshman years of HS) to let my son get bad grades if that is the consequence of his choice to neglect homework. I also am ready at a moment's request -- from him --to pitch in and help so he never feels he is in this alone. However it is clearly under his area of responsibility. If you do this early, by later high school teenagers are beginning to get the message that their basic life choices really do mean something, really do have consequences, and are important and are their own. In my view later parenting is one of support, listening, and establishing (requiring sometimes) mutual respect. It means a terrible risk of letting your child fail for a while....as long as the failure is not life shattering. It also means that you are good on your word and really will be there to help when asked.

It is SO hard to call this one because you do not want to let a downslide in grades and attitude continue into real alienation and depression. Often the teenager's lack of attention to some detail in their life is an attempt to prod for parental reaction. Taking homework out of the arena of dispute may mean that your daughter will simply pick another area to prod for your attention. What is then happening is more an issue of a youngster looking for a way to get reassurance that, though they have gone past the childhood stages of interacting with their parents, the parents still love them very actively and sons or daughters still have claim to their parents time, interest and attention.

My older son did this attention grab (will you REALLY support me) by setting up last minute panic attacks about school and tests and even social engagements. And yes, I really did drop everything and help. Because he asked. And yes it cost me something real with my own schedule, yes he did it several times until he was really sure I'd be there. We then had to work on the meaning of respecting each other's time and obligations by better planning (on both sides). We are still in this negotiation process with the older son. Life and growing up takes time. Adults tend to forget how many lessons are part of growing up.

This approached worked for us. I would even recommend it. My sons are responsible and lovely people in my own opinion. I was told at the very beginning of having children...raise them to be some one you would enjoy being around as adults. Not bad advice. It still holds.

[Please submit anonymously as my son might not want to be identified]

Hi, I had a similar problem with my son when he attended Albany Middle School two years ago. Like my son, your daughter sounds very bright, but extremely bored, not only because of the difference between her ATDP and AMS grades, but because she knows just how much homework she can get away with not doing, and still pass her classes. Perhaps at this point, not writing down her homework assignments has become a habit, but putting all your effort into whether or not she does her homework is not going to improve her attitude about her schoolwork. If she is choosing to read over listening in her classes, she is most likely not being challenged.

I've already gone on and on about what I think of AMS on this newsletter, but if you want to know more, please feel free to e-mail me! Just briefly: When my son was in the 6th grade, he was getting by at AMS, with a B average. I think that because he has learning disabilities, he was never encouraged to push himself academically. Fortunately, we moved to East Oakland and my son started the 7th grade at Bret Harte Middle School. They listened to me when I told them my son was bored in school and needed to be encouraged to excel. He had the talent, but not the motivation. Now in the 8th grade, he is in Geometry, 2nd year spanish, and the honors core class. His english teacher from last year still continues to encourage his eclectic reading choices and often lets him borrow books from his private collection. (previous choices include: Origin of Species, Sophie's World, Plato's Republic, Marx for Beginners, Capitalism for Beginners--next he plans to read the Communist Manifesto and Catcher in the Rye.) Last week, he brought home his best report card yet, 5 A's and 1 B (he missed that A in spanish by about 20 points!) and now has a 3.83 GPA. Not bad for a kid with three different learning disabilities!

I think there are 4 factors that made the difference for my son:

1) He and I are no longer the only ones who believe in him. All his teachers value his intelligence and give him plenty of praise and encouragement.

2) I made sure that he is an active participant in his education. Anyone can be a passive student and just go to class and let mom talk to the teachers when there is a problem. Instead, I taught my son to advocate for himself whenever he is bored, is graded unfairly, or doesn't understand a class policy or the school work. If he can't resolve an issue for himself, he goes to his resource specialist next, if it involves his LD. I only get involved if he can't fix it himself. This is his education, and he has taken ownership of it. He is never arrogant or rude to his teachers, but he won't take no for an answer!

3) The MESA summer Academy. I can't say enough wonderful things about this program and the excellent teachers who dedicate themselves to their students. 4) He set goals for himself for highschool and college. He plans to take math classes at a community college during the summer, so he can take differential equations by the time he's a senior. He wants to attend MIT, Berkeley, or Stanford and major in Biochemical Engineering.

Girls are very different than boys at this age, but as a teenage girl, she really needs to get in touch with her own power, just as boys do. However, butting heads with you about homework is a waste of energy. Take another approach to the problem and address the real issue, if you can. You may not have to take as drastic a step as changing schools, but perhaps it's not a bad idea! Speaking for myself, I turned to my friends, drugs and alcohol for many reasons, but one of the primary reasons was boredom. When I finally dropped out of high school, I went to community college during what should have been my senior year, due to the advice and encouragement of my probation officer (Mark Smith, thank you, wherever you are!) and did quite well. Although I stopped going to school when I met my son's dad, I did eventually find my way to UCB and am now preparing to apply for graduate school. I swore I would do everything possible to help my son avoid the difficulties I had in school. I really hope this helps! I'd be happy to talk to you further if you like.

My daughter started slacking off on homework in middle school. I decided to let her experience the consequences of her actions and thought she would come around. She is very bright and has a lot of common sense. She learned how to bring her grades back up to mediocre just in time for semester grades and then back off again, letting them fall. Eventually, in high school, she got far enough behind that she couldn't keep it up, and certainly couldn't get ahead. She fell into a cycle. The worse she did, the lower her self esteem, the lower her self esteem, the worse she did. At this point she resented my intervention because she had been on her own with this responsibility.

I jumped in anyway. I began overseeing each assignment, I enlisted grandparents and tutors, I required weekly progress reports from teachers. It was ugly. It did feel like my education. After much battling on the subject she began to do the work in order to get her family off her back. It took a full year to get her back on track. Now, finally, she has begun to do the work because she wants to ... because her accomplishments feel good to her. We are all still closely involved. She still needs us. She still needs someone looking over her shoulder. When she occasionally drops the ball she doesn't let on that she needs help and she slips behind. I have to be there to help her realize it's been dropped and help her pick it up. She appreciates the help. She now believes that she has choices in her life. She didn't before.

I do believe that my initial approach might well work for some children, but it didn't for my daughter. The key, I think, is to pay very close attention. Don't hesitate to become involved. Support feels different to each of us, find out what your child needs. Please list this anonymously. Thank you.

Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

7 Ways to Stop the Parent-Child Power Struggle Over Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Do you find yourself in full-on homework battles most nights of the week? It’s no surprise that most children and teens will dig in their heels when it comes to doing schoolwork. Think of it this way: How many kids want to do something that isn’t particularly exciting or pleasant? Most would prefer to be playing video games, riding their bikes or driving around with friends, especially after a long day of school and activities.

As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under her control.

The underlying truth here is that you and your child might already be caught in a power struggle over this. Like most parents, you probably want your children to do well and be responsible. Maybe you worry about your child’s future. After all, doing homework and chores are your child’s prime responsibilities, right? Let’s face it, it’s easy to get anxious when your kids are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing—and when you know how important doing schoolwork is. And when you believe you are ultimately responsible for the choices your child makes (and many of us do, consciously and unconsciously), the ante is upped and the tug of war begins.

Nagging, Lecturing and Yelling—But Nothing Changes?

If you’re in the habit of threatening, lecturing, questioning your child, nagging or even screaming at them “do the work!” (and trust me, we’ve all been there), you probably feel like you’re doing whatever it takes to get your kids on track. But when you’re in your child’s head, there’s no room for him to think for himself. And unfortunately, the more anxious you are, the more you’ll hold on in an attempt to control him and push him toward the task at hand. What happens then? Your child will resist by pushing back. That’s when the power struggle ensues. Your child, in essence, is saying, “I own my own life—stay out!” Now the battle for autonomy is getting played out around homework and chores, and exactly what you feared and hoped to avoid gets created.

This is very aggravating for parents to say the least. Many of us get trapped into thinking we are responsible for our child’s choices in life. As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under their control. This is because you will need your child to make those good choices—do the work—so you will feel that you’re doing a good job. Your child’s behavior becomes a reflection of you. You are now at your child’s mercy as you trying to get him to do what you want him to do so you can feel validated as a good parent. Your child does not want to be taking care of your emotional well-being, so he will naturally resist.

When kids are not following through on their responsibilities, it can easily trigger a number of feelings in parents. Note that your child did not cause these feelings, but rather triggered feelings that already belong to you. You might be triggered by a feeling of anger because you feel ineffective or fear that your child will never amount to anything. Or you might feel guilt about not doing a good enough job as a parent. Here’s the truth:  You have to be careful not to let these triggered feelings cause you to push your kids harder so that you can feel better. One of the toughest things parents have to do is learn how to soothe their own difficult feelings rather than ask their children to do that for them. This is the first step in avoiding power struggles.

Why are power struggles important to avoid? They inadvertently create just what you’ve feared. Your child is living his life in reaction to you rather than making his own independent choices. Learning how to make those choices is a necessary skill that develops self-motivation.  How can you avoid ending up in these battles? Here are 7 tips that can really help.

1. You are not responsible for your child’s choices

Understand that you are not responsible for the choices your child makes in his life. It’s impossible to take on that burden without a battle for control over another human being. Measure your success as a parent by how you behave — not by what your child chooses to do or not do. Doing a good job as a parent means that you have done all that you can do as a responsible person. It does not mean that you have raised a perfect person who has made all the right choices. Once you really get this, you won’t be so anxious about your child’s behaviors, actions, and decisions. You will be able to see your child from objective, not subjective, lenses and therefore be able to guide their behavior, because you’ll have seen what he actually needs.

2. You cannot make someone care—but you can influence them

You cannot get a person to do or care about what they don’t want to do or care about. Our kids have their own genetics, roles, and ultimately their own free will. So focusing on getting your child to change or getting something from her will not work long-term and will most often turn into a power struggle. What you can do is try to influence your child using only what is in your own hands. For example, when it comes to homework, you can structure the environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done.

3. Think about the “fences” you’d like to create for your child

Take charge of your own best thinking and decisions rather than trying to control your child’s. Pause, think and decide what fences you want to create for your child. What are your bottom lines? Know what you can and can’t do as a parent. Recognize that what will make the biggest difference to your child (and helping him become a responsible kid who makes good choices) will be learning how to inspire him, not control him. Building a positive relationship with your kids is your best parenting strategy. Children want to please the people in their lives that they have loving feelings toward. You cannot ultimately make them accept your values, but you can inspire them to do so. Getting a child to listen to you is primarily about setting up the conditions under which they choose to do so. In order to do this, make a conscious effort to sprinkle your relationship with more positive interactions than negative ones. Hug, show affection, laugh together, and spend time with one another. Point out your appreciations most instead of constantly correcting, instructing, teaching, yelling, complaining, or reprimanding.  Don’t get me wrong, you need to correct and reprimand as a parent. But make a conscious effort so that every time you do this, you will follow it with many positive interactions. The human brain remembers the negatives much more than the positives. Most kids will be happy to listen and be guided by the people in their lives who they like and respect.

4. Should you give consequences when kids don’t do homework?

Parents always ask whether or not they should give consequences to kids if they don’t do their homework—or instead just let the chips fall where they may.  I think you can give consequences, and that might work temporarily—maybe even for a while. Perhaps your child will learn to be more responsible or to use anxiety about the consequences to motivate themselves. You can’t change someone else, but consequences might help them get some homework done. You can’t “program” your child to care about their work, but you can create a work environment that promotes a good work ethic. Kids who regularly get their homework done and study do better throughout school and overall in life.

5. How structuring the environment can encourage studying

Again, you can’t make a child do anything that he doesn’t feel like doing, but you can structure his environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done. When your child’s grades slip, or you find that he’s not getting his work in on time, you are automatically “invited in” to supervise and help him get on track. You can make sure that for certain periods of time, he will not be able to do anything other than schoolwork. The rule is during that time, no electronics are allowed—just homework and studying. By doing this, you are providing a structure to do what your child probably can’t do yet for himself. The hour and a half that you set aside should be a time when you will be around to enforce the rules that you have set. Give a fixed amount of time and once that time is up, your child is free to go elsewhere, homework done or not. Stay consistent with this plan, even if he fights you on it. This plan will accomplish the possibility that your child will get some homework done and maybe over time, create some better work habits. That’s all. This plan should be in place, whether or not he has homework. He can read, review or study if he doesn’t have any during that time. Let him know that these rules will change when his grades begin to reflect his potential and when you are not getting negative reports from teachers about missing homework. When he accomplishes this, tell him you will be happy to have him be fully in charge of his own homework.

6. Parents of Defiant kids

 Extremely defiant kids who don’t seem to care about consequences really try their parents. Some of these kids suffer from ADHD, ODD, learning disabilities, emotional issues and many other issues. Defiance has become a way for them to try and solve their problems. With defiant kids, parents need to be very cognizant of working to develop positive relationships, no matter how difficult. Above all, work to avoid getting pulled into a power struggle. Your child will need many more learning opportunities and more rewards and negative consequences—and more time to learn these lessons than less defiant child. And if nothing changes, and your child continues to be defiant, you must continue to work on your own patience and be thoughtful about your own bottom line. Most important, continue to love your child and keep showing up.

7. Your simple message to your child

Be clear, concise and direct. Your simple message to your kids, which does not require lectures or big sit down conversations is, “Your job is to take care of your responsibilities, which includes getting your homework done and helping out in the house. That’s my expectation for you. Once you’ve done that each day, you are welcome to do what you’d like.” Remember, as a parent your job is to essentially help your child do her job.

Related content: What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled from School “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over School Work

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frustrated mom This is by far the very worst parenting advice I have ever heard. Can it be anymore vague and general? There’s literally nothing in this article that deals with actually doing homework! In fact it is more so a guide on things that most parents already know and should More be doing! The other part of this article is basically saying that you should allow your child to be their own authority. Do kids not need to learn to obey rules in today’s world? A lesson in life is that your children aren’t always going to be given a choice and when they are given a choice, it doesn’t mean they’re going to like any of the possible outcomes. Allowing them to think they have a choice in order to circumvent basic responsibilities is completely and utterly counter productive! I had to do homework when I was a kid whether I liked it or not! I knew this even as a small child. Children historically do not make the best decisions on their own. There’s a reason we have an age where it’s considered by society that you’re officially an adult. Until children reach that age, they don’t have a choice!

I am a special education preschool educator. Yes, I do send homework home for the following reasons:1. It starts good habits relating to reinforcing skills taught at school.

2. It allows me to educate and inform parents on what skills children need to be learning.

3. Some skills need more effort to be learned- such as name writing.

4. I want my kiddos to have a headstart and school is important! Homework is a way of getting kids ahead.

Hands down- my kiddos who learn skills at home- for example "economics homework" are more likely to master this skill when taught at school AND at home! It helps! Trust me! and all kiddos undergo assessments when entering kindergarten and often it is considered a predictor in success for the year!

georgeesmith Very methodical, can give a try to make it possible :)

lisakelper9 Sounds good but very hard to implement in reality. But still its a good attempt.

JackRusso1 I disagree with this as a whole. This person has no idea what children are really like. Children are stressed a lot, nagging them won't help. They don't want to talk about homework at home because then the parent asks irritating questions. It's not that they don't care, it's that More they need to do things on their own. When a parent is constantly on their backs the child gets stressed out. In my eyes, few parents understand this. Believe it or not...I'm 13 and I can do better then you. This isn't a helpful list of tips, it's a list of how to make the situation worse!

Oh my goodness!   This all sounds very charming but has no real application!  

Let me give you my scenario of raising a "Defiant" child:

Our homework structure is that she work at her well organized desk...quite charming in fact.  

She is expected to work 15 minutes per subject which is a grand total of an hour and 30 min.

No tech unless all work is complete and no matter what, no tech before 6:30 pm.

Down time for reading (which she loves) is after homework and her home chore is done.

we have a rewards currency.  We have a consequence system.  

Guess what?  It is not that simple.  She will waste her time "studying" so we require her to log notes on what she is reading so does not just sit and stare at her books for an hour and a half (which she will do).  We periodically check her log as she is working and help review info.  Again...quite charming.

She is failing most of her subjects because she does not bring ANY assigned work home.  None.  And then she lies about the work that we track down.  

She is not internally nor externally motivated. 

Sometimes a child is not emotionally mature enough to handle things like this and their brains are unable to really connect action and consequence.  Sometimes you need to let your child fail.  I hear from her teachers "I have no idea what to do with _________"  My response is....there is nothing YOU can do.  Only what ______ can do and she chooses not to.

A child who is unable to focus on learning is focusing on something else instead.  For my daughter it is the undying need for acceptance....peer acceptance.  So how to retrain the brain is tough.  Wish me luck because THERE IS NO ANSWER!  THERE IS NO FIX!

I often wonder about the value of homework. While I appreciate the article and noted some key takeaways here that will be very helpful to me, such as "Learn how to inspire, not control" and "Measure your success as a parent by how you behave"...I often find myself yelling at my seven year old angel because she just doesn't have an interest in learning..and then I spend the rest of the night disgusted with myself for being angry with her. She is the sweetest, most lovable little girl filled with street smarts. But she's behind in school, slow with reading, and fights me constantly with her homework.

I stepped up over the summer and had assignments all summer long so she could hopefully catch up. But little has changed. She continues to have no interest, which I interpret as lazy. She would much rather watch Netflix or play; something I try to balance. I wasn't a great student in school but I did love homework. I hated the "institution" and rebelled against control. But I've managed to make a good life for myself because I've been highly motivated, driven and disciplined. My concern is she doesn't seem to have those traits...yet. It might still be too soon. However, I struggle to push too hard (contrary to how it sounds) because I'm a big advocate of work-life balance.

She is busy all day with school and activities and the idea of having her do more when she gets home before she rests, plays or unwinds, seems like corporal punishment. Yes. And I'm not dramatic. But really? I get the importance of establishing a good work ethic. However,  I work all day. When I get home, I'm tired. I take a break before I tend to house chores. Nothing gets neglected but I pace myself. I also take home work but that's done later in the evening, after I've tended to my family AND had some down time. Don't kids deserve down time too?

I hate putting this pressure on my child, yet I know the pressure she feels being a slower reader, struggling with phonetics, etc. is as great if not worse. I can see her as a very successful person later on because she has very strong social skills and a kindness that far surpasses most of the other kids I've seen. But I struggle with finding that balance between pushing academics and just letting time prove itself. I am a big advocate of moderation and balance, yet I really struggle with applying that value in today's academic world which starts as young as kindergarten!

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• 1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
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• 3. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
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• 5. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
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Should I Homeschool My 14-Year-Old?

Currently almost two million children are homeschooled in this country. The fastest growing segment of this homeschool population are teens. Kids who learn at home consistently outperform their schooled peers on standardized tests, including the ACT test (a reliable indicator of future college success), and are welcomed at just about every college and university.

Many teens who had difficulty in school do exceptionally well as homeschoolers. Once they are no longer subjected to the peer pressure, negative influences, mindless busywork, and hours of homework, these kids thrive. For more resources and helpful advice, please read Homeschooling Teens and Leaving School and Learning at Home . You'll also find Cafi Cohen's book, Homeschooling: The Teen Years to be very helpful. Good luck!

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Positive Parenting Tips: Young Teens (12–14 years old)

• As a parent you give your children a good start in life—you nurture, protect, and guide them.
• Learn about developmental milestones, including emotional and social changes for children who are 12 to 14 years old.
• Help your child with positive parenting tips, which include topics such as child safety and healthy bodies.

Developmental milestones

This is a time of many physical, mental, emotional, and social changes. Hormones change as puberty begins. Most boys grow facial and pubic hair and their voices deepen. Most girls grow pubic hair and breasts, and start their period. They might be worried about these changes and how they are looked at by others. This also will be a time when your teen might face peer pressure to use alcohol, tobacco products, and drugs, and to have sex. Other challenges can be eating disorders, depression, and family problems. At this age, teens make more of their own choices about friends, sports, studying, and school. They become more independent, with their own personality and interests, although parents are still very important.

Here is some information on how young teens develop.

Emotional/social changes

Children in this age group might

• Show more concern about body image, looks, and clothes.
• Focus on themselves; going back and forth between high expectations and lack of confidence.
• Experience more moodiness.
• Show more interest in and influence by peer group.
• Express less affection toward parents; sometimes might seem rude or short-tempered.
• Feel stress from more challenging school work.
• Develop eating problems.
• Feel a lot of sadness or depression, which can lead to poor grades at school, alcohol or drug use, unsafe sex, and other problems.

Thinking and learning

• Have more ability for complex thought.
• Be better able to express feelings through talking.
• Develop a stronger sense of right and wrong.

Positive parenting tips

Following are some things you, as a parent, can do to help your child during this time:

• Be honest and direct with your teen when talking about sensitive subjects such as drugs, drinking, smoking, and sex.
• Meet and get to know your teen's friends.
• Show an interest in your teen's school life.
• Help your teen make healthy choices while encouraging them to make their own decisions.
• Respect your teen's opinions and take into account their thoughts and feelings. It is important that they know you are listening to them.
• When there is a conflict, be clear about goals and expectations (like getting good grades, keeping things clean, and showing respect), but allow your teen input on how to reach those goals (like when and how to study or clean).

Child safety first

You play an important role in keeping your child safe―no matter how old they are. Here are a few tips to help protect your child:

• Make sure your teen knows about the importance of wearing seatbelts. Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death among 12- to 14-year-olds.
• Encourage your teen to wear a helmet when riding a bike or a skateboard or using inline skates; riding on a motorcycle, snowmobile, or all-terrain vehicle; or playing contact sports. Injuries from sports and other activities are common.
• Talk with your teen about the dangers of drugs, drinking, smoking, and risky sexual activity. Ask them what they know and think about these issues, and share your thoughts and feelings with them. Listen to what they say and answer their questions honestly and directly.
• Talk with your teen about the importance of having friends who are interested in positive activities. Encourage them to avoid peers who pressure them to make unhealthy choices.
• Know where your teen is and whether an adult is present. Make plans with them for when they will call you, where you can find them, and what time you expect them home.
• Set clear rules for your teen when they are home alone. Talk about such issues as having friends at the house, handling situations that can be dangerous (emergencies, fire, drugs, sex, etc.), and completing homework or household tasks.

Healthy bodies

• Encourage your teen to be physically active. They might join a team sport or take up an individual sport. Helping with household tasks such as mowing the lawn, walking the dog, or washing the car also will keep your teen active.
• Meal time is very important for families. Eating together helps teens make better choices about the foods they eat, promotes healthy weight, and gives your family members time to talk with each other.
• Keep television sets out of your teen's bedroom. Set limits for screen time, including cell phones, computers, video games, and other devices, and develop a family media plan.
• Make sure your child gets the recommended amount of sleep each night: For teenagers 13–18 years of age, 8–10 hours per 24 hours (including naps).

For more information

CDC's Adolescent and School Mental Health can help you learn how connection is key to good adolescent mental health.

CDC's Parent Information (Teens 12–19) has information to help you learn how to guide your teen to be safe and become a healthy and productive adult.

CDC's Healthy Weight Information has tips and ideas for parents to help children maintain a healthy weight.

CDC's Youth Physical Activity Guidelines has information on how to help children be active and play.

CDC's BAM! Body and Mind is a website designed for kids 9 through 13 years of age to give them the information they need to make healthy lifestyle choices. The site focuses on topics that kids told us are important to them—such as stress and physical fitness—using kid-friendly lingo, games, quizzes, and other interactive features.

CDC's Information on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth Health has information about the physical and mental health of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth.

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry Guide has many fact sheets for parents on child and adolescent health and development.

My Plate by The U.S. Department of Agriculture provides information on health and nutrition for children over 5 years of age.

AAP's Healthy Children website provides information on feeding, nutrition, and fitness for all developmental stages from infancy to young adulthood. Visit this website to learn more about emotional problems , learning disabilities and other health and development concerns.

Just in Time Parenting's site provides quality, research-based information to families at the time it can be most useful.

National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) has information on safety recalls and safety tips for children riding in motor vehicles, walking, biking, playing outside, waiting at school bus stops, and more.

National Institute of Mental Health has information on mental disorders affecting children and adolescents, including anxiety and depression.

StopBullying.gov provides information from various government agencies on how children, parents, educators and others in the community can prevent or stop bullying.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) works to improve the quality and availability of substance abuse prevention, alcohol and drug addiction treatment, and mental health services.

Teens Health site for information on healthy eating for children and teenagers, safety tips for your child when you can't be there, and other important health and safety topics.

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The early years of a child’s life are very important for their health and development. Parents, health professionals, educators, and others can work together as partners to help children grow up to reach their full potential.

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Mind Your Decisions

Math Videos, Math Puzzles, Game Theory. By Presh Talwalkar

The Time Albert Einstein Went Viral For Helping A 14 Year Old Student With Homework

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Posted October 26, 2021 By Presh Talwalkar. Read about me , or email me .

I came across a very interesting story in Physics Today . I will summarize some of the main points, but do read the entire article because the story is quite fascinating.

In May 1952, a 14 year old student Johanna Mankiewicz was having trouble with math homework.

She wondered where to get help, and she decided to write a letter to a 73 year old Albert Einstein, asking:

“I realize that you are a very busy man, but you are the only person we know of who could supply us with the answer.”

And quote incredibly Einstein wrote back! Apparently Einstein often did write back to students with genuine questions. While Einstein did not solve the problem explicitly, he did give some nice hints and a general construction that would be helpful.

Interestingly the American media learned of the story and over 82 newspapers covered the exchange! If this sounds a bit like a Hollywood story, then there’s some interesting trivia too. Johanna’s dad was Herman Mankiewicz, a writer who wrote the screenplay for Citizen Kane , and her uncle was Joseph Mankiewicz, a famous movie director and producer.

So what was Johanna’s question? It is actually a standard geometry question.

What is the length of the common external tangent to two tangent circles of radii 8 inches and 2 inches?

As usual, watch the video for a solution.

When Albert Einstein Helped A 14 Year Old Student With Math Homework

"All will be well if you use your mind for your decisions, and mind only your decisions." Since 2007, I have devoted my life to sharing the joy of game theory and mathematics. MindYourDecisions now has over 1,000 free articles with no ads thanks to community support! Help out and get early access to posts with a pledge on Patreon .

(Pretty much all posts are transcribed quickly after I make the videos for them–please let me know if there are any typos/errors and I will correct them, thanks).

Imagine we have two circles with radii a ≥ b that are tangent to each other. When two circles are tangent, their centers and the point of tangency are collinear. Thus the distance between the two centers is equal to a + b . We can then construct a right triangle where the hypotenuse is the line segment between the two centers, and the two legs are the horizontal and vertical distances between the two centers. In the diagram below, the vertical distance between the centers is a – b , and the horizontal distance has the same length as the common external tangent.

In the right triangle, we can solve for the horizontal distance, x , as follows:

x 2 = ( a + b ) 2 – ( a – b ) 2 = a 2 + 2 a b + b 2 – a 2 + 2 a b – b 2 = 4 a b

Since x is a non-negative length we take the non-negative root:

x = 2√( ab )

In Johanna’s problem, a = 8, b = 2, so we have the length of the common external tangent is equal to:

2√(8 · 2) = 2√16 = 2 · 4 = 8

While this is not the hardest problem in the world, it is an interesting story. Even in the 1950s students struggled with math homework, and in frustration they might seek out the help of someone famously good at mathematics. It is incredible that Einstein even answered back, and then the media made a big hullabaloo about it–even in those days simple math problems could go viral!

Physics Today . “Albert Einstein and the high school geometry problem” David Topper, Dwight E. Vincent, 19 Dec 2017, 1945-0699 https://physicstoday.scitation.org/do/10.1063/PT.6.4.20171219a/full/

Image of Albert Einstein https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Einstein#/media/File:Einstein_1921_by_F_Schmutzer_-_restoration.jpg

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Presh talwalkar.

I run the MindYourDecisions channel on YouTube , which has over 1 million subscribers and 200 million views. I am also the author of The Joy of Game Theory: An Introduction to Strategic Thinking , and several other books which are available on Amazon .

(As you might expect, the links for my books go to their listings on Amazon. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. This does not affect the price you pay.)

By way of history, I started the Mind Your Decisions blog back in 2007 to share a bit of math, personal finance, personal thoughts, and game theory. It's been quite a journey! I thank everyone that has shared my work, and I am very grateful for coverage in the press , including the Shorty Awards, The Telegraph, Freakonomics, and many other popular outlets.

I studied Economics and Mathematics at Stanford University.

People often ask how I make the videos. Like many YouTubers I use popular software to prepare my videos. You can search for animation software tutorials on YouTube to learn how to make videos. Be prepared--animation is time consuming and software can be expensive!

Feel free to send me an email [email protected] . I get so many emails that I may not reply, but I save all suggestions for puzzles/video topics.

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Book ratings are from January 2023.

Mind Your Decisions is a compilation of 5 books:

The Joy of Game Theory shows how you can use math to out-think your competition. (rated 4.3/5 stars on 290 reviews)

40 Paradoxes in Logic, Probability, and Game Theory contains thought-provoking and counter-intuitive results. (rated 4.2/5 stars on 54 reviews)

The Irrationality Illusion: How To Make Smart Decisions And Overcome Bias is a handbook that explains the many ways we are biased about decision-making and offers techniques to make smart decisions. (rated 4.1/5 stars on 33 reviews)

The Best Mental Math Tricks teaches how you can look like a math genius by solving problems in your head (rated 4.3/5 stars on 116 reviews)

Multiply Numbers By Drawing Lines This book is a reference guide for my video that has over 1 million views on a geometric method to multiply numbers. (rated 4.4/5 stars on 37 reviews)

Mind Your Puzzles is a collection of the three "Math Puzzles" books, volumes 1, 2, and 3. The puzzles topics include the mathematical subjects including geometry, probability, logic, and game theory.

Math Puzzles Volume 1 features classic brain teasers and riddles with complete solutions for problems in counting, geometry, probability, and game theory. Volume 1 is rated 4.4/5 stars on 112 reviews.

Math Puzzles Volume 2 is a sequel book with more great problems. (rated 4.2/5 stars on 33 reviews)

Math Puzzles Volume 3 is the third in the series. (rated 4.2/5 stars on 29 reviews)

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